Good moments 🌈

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i'm sorry i wasn't able to post last night and the one before. life's been quite a mess lately. i'm posting my good moments of the past two days now. for today, my day isn't over yet, so i can't share right now. but i'll try coming on later today if possible, or else post it tomorrow.

so, my good moments from the day before yesterday, 18th september.

my mother and i were doing some maths and she was reading something aloud from the textbooks. while doing that, i just randomly sometimes mentioned that our teacher pronounced certain words differently, because hearing the different pronunciations makes me confused about which one is the correct one and which one is wrong. (we have a maths teacher who pronounces a lot of words very differently and often incorrectly.) so while my mother read, a certain word came ('treatise') and she paused to ask me how the teacher had pronounced that. i asked "how else would you pronounce that?" and she said "perhaps 'treat-ice'?" that made me think that we could really pronounce any word in a funny way if we wanted to. so i said "well then, i can call mathematics 'mat-he-mat-ics'." and we both had a good laugh over it.

also, i solved a mock test that we were given to solve at home. when i solved it, i thought it went terribly. i just wrote whatever on earth came to my mind. but when my mother corrected my paper, she said that i didn't do too badly. she didn't really give me marks, but if she would have, i believe it'd have been something between 68 and 72 out of 80. that's not good at all, but i think for me, it's not too bad.

i made an interesting discovery. i was doing maths all day, literally. to the point my brain had nothing left of it. and i seriously dislike maths and find it super hard, hence i called it a h3ll of a day. but how early i started and how long i did it, how bored i got doing it, and the fact that my mother didn't even let me take any breaks, made me realise that a day can have *only 24 hours* or *24 looong hours*, depending on how we spend it. if we spend it doing something boring that we don't like doing, if we do a lot of different things, maybe get a lot of work done, or if we have a lot of things happening around us, then it feels like a lot longer. and the less time we spend online, the longer the day feels. this realisation makes me feel better because i'm generally always the person who feels like the day is always so short. but i can now see that it is all the same for 24 hours and just feels different depending on what we do during those hours.

woah i just wrote down so much good stuff even for what was truly a terrible day.

now onto my good moments from yesterday. it was an extremely tough day and i had to face an unbelievable amount of criticism and what not, and of course it felt horrible. but here's the good that i have. all my good moments from yesterday have to do with little kids.

in general, i sleep on my bus ride home from school. but yesterday, i just felt so anxious from the maths exam i just gave, that i couldn't sleep on the bus. so i sat and looked at all the little kids sitting around me. i was all surrounded by them with where i sat in the school bus yesterday. i haven't observed those kids much in quite a while, but they look really cute when i do observe them. many of them yesterday had their textbooks out, and anyone remembers what 1st or 2nd grade textbooks look like? they're all colourful and full of pictures and large print. fun to look at those now, with the textbooks we have in 9th grade. and of course all the cute kids themselves and good to see.

and other than just looking at the kids, something really unusual happened too - someone talked to me. that quite never happens because i'm the quiet kid and never initiate convos, have no friends in my bus, and am usually asleep too. but yesterday, this 4th grader sitting next to me asked me what exam i had and how it went. i said it went well, which was a lie, but it's okay, what else was i supposed to say? anyway, i asked her what exam she had had, and how it went. and she also asked me what grade i'm in. i didn't ask hers because i knew it, so i just confirmed it.

oh, and later at home in the evening, i stood at my window and watched two kids from our society play in the little society lawn that we have. they seems to have so much fun. and i also saw them petting a cute cat who lives in our society.

i really love little kids. (of course only the innocent and well-behaved ones, so i can't generalise). i miss the days when i used to actually play with little ones. it used to be so much fun...

my good moment from yesterday would be watching two cute cats from my window. in the evening i looked out and saw a kitten and its mother probably doing some stuff that was really fun to watch. initially, the kitten and the mom were a little far away, then the kitten approached the mom who was looking in the opposite direction. when the mom turned to look behind, the kitty ran off and the mom ran after it. i dunno what was going on with them, but i liked watching them.

also, my mother and i had a few funny moments while she explained some physics things to me. yeah, a lot of bad stuff between us happened too but i guess it's fine. i was somehow able to not let her harsh words affect me too much yesterday, and i'm glad i could do that.

for today, i have quite a lot of good moments to share hehe.

first off, my science exam went a lot better than i expected. given that last night i tried studying till 3 am, then gave up and got 3 hours of sleep, and the fact that i really hadn't studied, my exam could have been a lot worse. but despite being so unprepared, it went fairly okay and wasn't too hard.

of all the questions that i feared, none of them were actually there in the paper. i was able to write something that made sense for every question. the physics section was quite fine though i expected it to be the hardest. on the contrary, the chemistry section was super tricky when i thought it should be straightforward. it wasn't hard though, just very tricky. and for biology, most of the answers were hidden in the paper itself!

also, in spite of being on 3 hours of sleep, i was able to stay alert during the exam thanks to being anxious to just the right extent. i finished writing 15 minutes before time, so that definitely sounds like the exam went okay. i came home and discussed the paper with my mother and i think i got most of the mcqs right expect one in chemistry. i dunno about the numericals and if they went correctly, but i guess it's fine. for the longer questions i believe i wrote fair enough explanations but i just hope i used the right keywords because last time i lot a lot of marks to that.

other than the exam going okay, my mother has been quite alright today. she seems to have calmed down a bit after all the maths related drama that's been happening for all of this week so far. today my mother explained some english lessons to me, and generally speaking, we have a lot of arguments whenever she's doing english with me, but today it went pretty well. the lessons she explained were sorta funny so we laughed and it was good.

also, i got 1.5 hours of sleep after lunch. before going to sleep, i cleaned up my room a bit. and when i woke up, i made my bed and cleaned up the rest of my room, which makes me feel good because my room has been a mess lately. and i'm generally very sleepy for a very long time after i wake up, but today since i moved about a lot to do the cleaning, i was awake in just about 30 minutes.

and the weather today is lovely. it honestly feels like spring even though it's technically still rainy season. but whatever, i like the weather. it makes me feel super nostalgic though. been thinking of the past a lot and i just really miss those times.

@exuberantBlackberry9105 wow it feels great to read it. My good moment is that I am on the path to being myself and expressing my feelings easily to everyone. I used to repress my feelings, but now I can express them freely. 

i apologise for consistently posting everyday. i'm here now to post yeaterday's and today's good moments.

for yesterday it'd be some laughing in the morning with my mother as she explained an english lesson to me. also, enjoying the really nice weather. the wind's great and we got some heavy rains last night which were lovely.

and i've somehow been able to naturally cry since yesterday. i guess that's a good thing? lately, in general, whenever i feel the need to cry, i must watch something on youtube for the tears to actually come. but since yesterday, i can just think of something and start crying without needing to intentionally do anything to force the tears out. i think i just naturally cried thrice yesterday. but this crying isn't bringing me any real relief, so i dunno if it's really good.

i don't seem to be able to recall any more good about yesterday. i do think i had some more good moments but i can't remember what it was. i'm sorry.

so today has been a really rough day but i feel a little better as i write this, and fortunately have some good things to share.

in the morning, as my father was dropping me to school, i saw my friend while her father dropped her. we were sorta stuck in traffic and i saw her in her car and waved at her, she waved back and then rolled down the window. so i said "hi" and wished her all the best with her exam. she responded with "thank you, i need it. english exam." and wished me all the best. so a tiny interaction before her car went ahead. but this little thing of smiling and stuff helped as a bit of a distraction because i was feeling my absolute worst and worrying and overthinking the exam that i was really unprepared for, in addition to being half asleep.

another good moment would be when i started feeling a little better after feeling terrible for most of the day. what contributed to feeling a little better was youtube, music, and funnily enough, my parents. my mother laughingly told me about how my uncle is literally crying over the phone and asking us to go to his place, he's even willing to pay for our tickets, lol. i find it amusing, it's amazing what all people can be willing to do when they want help from someone who they hurt before on multiple occasions.

as for what my father did, today he brought home the frame he made for a mirror in my room. he made it himself and he made it quite well, which i wasn't really expecting. he still has to frame the mirror in it, but i think when it's done, this might make my room look better because the tiny mirror i correctly have looks bad and it totally useless.

that's all i got for today.

i realise haven't posted any good moments since monday. i've not been doing my work on time and because i still want to go to bed on time, this is the thing i've been deciding to skip over the last couple of days. i probably will today too, because it'll take time as i have a lot to type. but i promise i'll do it tomorrow. if i don't y'all can come scold me, feel free to. currently just trying to fix my messy sleep schedule, lol.

okay, so i was supposed to post yesterday, but it was a really horrific day. i'd been feeling really depressed and not just depressed, but a lot of emotions - anger, frustration, sadness, tiredness (is tiredness an emotion?) - and i had a lot going on in my head and outside it. i felt like giving up on even trying to feel better because somehow it always just crashes down again and something bad just has to happen, so i just couldn't get myself to post here yesterday. i hope that makes sense.

thankfully, i do somehow feel better today. i successfully convinced myself that i can't just stop trying to feel better, and that i need to keep trying even if it doesn't seem to work. because i don't truly want a life like this, either don't want one at all, or i want one where i feel good. so i'm here to post today, as my attempt to try to feel better again. however, i must admit, i don't really remember much to be able to share from tuesday, wednesday and thursday, so it's probably gonna be short.

tuesday (24th sept): the only good thing i can remember right now is that i actually studied for my exam a bit. i started at about 8 pm, and i know it sounds really bad to start studying at 8 pm the night before the exam, but for me this time feels quite early compared to what i had been doing before my other previous exams. also, when i did start, i was pretty focused and felt good actually studying like that. i also managed a bedtime of 1 am, which i feel is pretty early in comparison to what i had been doing. and i'm pretty sure i also had a couple of more good moments on tuesday, but i've forgotten them by now.

wednesday (25th sept): so it was the day of my french exam and let's not talk about it. after i came home though, and when i was having lunch, the sky got really dark. like it's 2:30 pm and indoors, we cant see a thing without turning the lights on, it was that dark. then came a huge downpour. it's been years since i ever saw this kinda heavy rain, and it was great since i love rain (and i was home, would've been a disaster otherwise). i asked my mother if i could just sit and watch the rain, and she let me. so i sat on my bed and just looked out my windows and saw all the water gushing down from people's balcony awnings and everything. it was so good to look at. when i went to look at our own balcony, there was a whole pool of water in there and a ton of soil that had been washed out of our potted plants. i mean it, it rained cats and dogs.

i had skipped my afternoon nap on wednesday because i had washed my hair and it was wet, and my mother wouldn't let me sleep with wet hair, and i didn't want to use a hair dryer. but looking back, i am very glad i skipped. if i napped, i'd have missed witnessing half of this wonderful rain. which actually turned out to be something really unique that hasn't happened in a very long time. (i'm sorry i can't be specific about this, because if i were to be, it would give away my location with a simple google search of where this happened.)

also, another big good moment. my mother was explaining a history chapter to me. we were doing this chapter of french revolution and the part of women's political clubs and movements and stuff, like how they wanted political rights. so there came this little box my mother read aloud that was basically someone trying to defend why women shouldn't have any right and how they should just stay home, take care of children and do household chores, and how only men should do all outside-home work and how duties are distributed like that. so when my mother read it, i laughed and said "this makes no sense". and my mother replied, "don't be surprised, even your father thinks this way."

then i'm like "what?!" and then she said "yeah, he does. he just doesn't say it much anymore because you're here." i questioned "why would me being here make him not say it if he really thinks that way?" she then told me "because he knows that if he says something like that to me, then you're going to start to fight that and won't stop fighting. and he knows he won't be able to fight back well because even he knows that logically his beliefs are wrong, but he doesn't want to change." she continued, "you being here and fighting for me whenever your father says something nonsensical saves me from hearing a lot of his nonsense these days. god has given me a good 'lawyer', you. having a daughter and not a son has been quite a good thing for me." i asked "why? can't boys stand up for their mothers when their fathers make fun of their mothers?" she said "they can, but girls can better feel what it's like to be made fun of like that."

okay, that's the way she thinks, and it does make some sense. but this conversation made me realise that she does feel quite grateful to have me stand up for her when my father's not treating her well. i dunno why exactly i even stand up for her even after the way she treats me, but somehow i just do. i guess i just don't want her to be hurt more by my father... anyway, she seems really happy that i do this for her, i bet everything would have been a lot worse if i didn't do this. i'm glad my mother told me this though so i know i should keep doing what i do. and the fact that we went from history to this is so funny, lol.

and finally one last good moment, i went to bed at 12:05 am even though i hadn't really finished all my work and my room was a mess. i just decided to go get some sleep and try in the morning. going to bed at 12:05 am is super early for me!

okay so i seemed to have remembers almost all of the good from wednesday. not for thursday.

thursday (26th sept): hmm so it was one of my cups friend's birthday and i really enjoyed making them something. they also let me know that they loved it, and i felt really good hearing that. i also attended the mindful minutes session (it's a teen session on cups that happens a couple of time every week - we share our silver linings, glimmers and things we did to take care of ourselves and others). i hadn't been able to attend one in a very long time, not a full session at least, and i'm glad i could do it on thursday because it was a lot of fun and made me feel good. so that's the cupsing part of thursday that felt good.

other than that, i don't remember much, but i do remember that i had to go to the dentist. it is honestly no fun, and the ride there was a disaster with my mother being super mad at me and everything. and of course, being at the dentist/orthodontist itself is never fun. but the good thing is, i was told that i've been brushing well and it's all proper and clean. this is always the part i'm super worried about, and this time i was particularly worried because my mother had been telling me that my teeth look dirty and yellow and that i'm not brushing well. and i felt she might be right because i know i've skipped brushing at night sometimes and feel guilty about that, especially with braces. so when we went and the orthodontist was taking a look at everything before actually doing anything, my mother asked the doctor if i'm brushing and she said yes, to my relief. i dunno why my mother kept telling me that i'm not - i feel like she considers it her job to make me worried and to bring me down. anyway, i was happy to hear that my teeth are fine. also that they just needed to place some rotation corrector thing on one tooth and do nothing with the rest, meaning that only two teeth are gonna hurt and not my entire upper set of teeth.

friday (27th sept): so this was an awful day, but i do have two really good moments and some bits of other stuff.

so in the morning, i was feeling really frustrated and terrible. but i happened to see something on cups that made me smile and i was able to calm down a lot. i'm super grateful for that, even though the sense of calm didn't last very long.

also, i was able to cry and lot and i guess that's supposed to be good? but i dunno, because crying wasn't really bringing me much relief. but after a lot of crying, i did feel some relief for a short bit in the evening, before things got bad again. i dunno if i should count it though. but a part that really is good is that there's this short film on youtube that i really love and it successfully makes me cry every time i watch it, it really is a nice one.

another moment that i don't know if i should count or not, some little bits of laughing with my mother. it feels so utterly insignificant and meaningless because my mother also hurt me a lot yesterday and made me feel really horrible.

but now onto a real good moment. one youtube video that i watched at 1:30 am that really brought over me a sense of calm i couldn't have imagined after all that pain and crying. but i made me feel okay again, made me feel a little hopeful, and motivated me to continue trying. watching it made me feel unusually calm and ready to go to bed. i'm really glad i watched it, even though it was late at night. because i might have only gotten 6 hours of sleep, but i feel less emotionally tired and fed up of life, and i've regained my motivation to try to feel better.

woah, this is such a long post, nobody needs to read it.. i'm so glad i could write it all down though, it helped me. today is saturday and my day has been going pretty well so far. i will hopefully come back to this thread tonight and post all my good moments from today. i've had quite a bunch of them already, but i'll send them all at once at night, this post is long enough already and i wanna keep one day's good moments all in one post.

seems like all my major good moments for today were concentrated in the morning and then it's just gone straight downhill and i'm very down again. but yeah, i'll share my good moments tonight.

so when i woke up this morning, i felt pretty good even with 6 hours of sleep which isn't quite great. but somehow i felt like i had some energy, i wasn't so sleepy and stuff. the sleepiness came in the afternoon and lasted all evening.

normally my mother makes my bed before i get a chance to do it, and i cant really stop her from doing it though i don't like it when she does it. today though she was running late so i got to do it myself, which i like. it means i can make it the way i want it to be and i don't need to fix it after my mother's done it. i was also able to tidy up some stuff in my room today morning, and felt good about it.

in the morning, writing down my good moments from the past couple of days felt good, honestly. also some other cups stuff made me feel good.

i was able to request my mother not to come teach me in the morning because i really wanted to be alone for a bit while i felt okay. and she agreed, so it was all good. she came to explain stuff in the afternoon though when i was super sleepy, and i dunno how good that is, but whatever.

my mother was in a good mood during lunch and she was laughing and singing and stuff, which was kinda fun.

i got myself to study a bit. i only did one chapter and i have eight more to do before monday, but what i did do, i did it well so i won't have to look over it again. i am totally prepared for this one chapter at least. i guess that's good? i wish i'd have done more though.

and finally, for the photo we need to submit to the school, i could convince my father to click the photo on monday and not tomorrow. i'm supposed to look better on monday with my hair trimmed and stuff. i'm glad i could convince him.

i think that's it.

now i haven't posted since saturday. sunday night, i was up late studying. on monday, i was so caught up with cleaning that i didn't come on cups at all. last night, i decided to leave everything and just sleep. today, i thought i'd do this at night, and now it's only 10:56 pm and my mother's mad at me and yelling at me really bad to go to bed, so i can't write everything down because it'll take a while. i'll see if i can do it tomorrow, but i might not be able to if i decide to really study and avoid cups. i'm sorry. i promise i'll post by friday though.

alright, i haven't posted in a week, and it really isn't supposed to be this way and i should be posting daily. but yeah, i've been skipping this for a week now, and it hasn't been helping my mental health, so let's try to catch up (and let's hope i can stay on track from now on). of course i don't remember everything, but i'll try and post whatever i remember. so here you go, finally!

note: this is a very long post of all the good moments that i remember from from 29th september to 6th October.

sunday (29th sept): so i remember starting to study seriously at around 3 pm that day, and i'm super glad i was able to do that, even though i did stay up atill 2 am and still didn't finish studying. but whatever that i did study, i studied well. i remember that for economics, i read both the chapters really well, though i didn't do much for history, political science, and geography.

monday (30th sept): so my exams finally got over, and that's supposed to be a good thing, right? so i gotta mention it in spite of it not really affecting my mood immediately and me not feeling any immediate sense of relief. i also did a lot of other good stuff on monday and i'll mention them even though they sadly didn't make me feel good immediately. 

i did a bunch of things to try to fix my hair while had been a whole new level of a disaster for the past few days. so i oiled my hair because it's been to rough and weird and my scalp too because it's been so flakey. left the oil in there for an hour and a half, and washed it out. and oh my god, i'm so glad i did that, because it made a huge difference – after i washed my hair and it dried, it felt a lot softer and the flakes went away. i realised that i do need to oil my hair once in a while, i've been super lazy about it for months now because i thought it's useless, but now i know it isn't.

and i also trimmed my hair. i'm no stranger to trimming my hair by myself, but i still mess up sometimes. this time it went pretty well though and it turned out the way i wanted. plus, my hair looks a lot better and fresher now with this much needed trim. i love it when my hair feels good.

okay, my hair aside, i did a lot of cleaning, yay! i cleaned my bathroom really well, all the parts of it i never clean too. and i also cleaned the floor and i was actually shocked to find out that it was actually so dirty dispite me rinsing it on an everyday basis. anyway, i cleaned the bathroom ceiling sorta thing too which had been dirty for months since my father did some work in there. happy that i was able to clean it.

i also cleaned a lot of things in my room, such as my bookshelf, some random bunch of shelves, and my bed – changed the sheets and all the pillowcases and got the blanket washed too. and i cleaned the dusty ceiling fan, which i've never cleaned before, and it led me to an interesting discovery but it's kinda dark, so i won't share it here (vase, if you'd like to know, lemme know and i'll tell you in our space).

oh, and how could i forget? my hair oiling, hair washing, showering, bathroom cleaning and stuff took so long that i showed up in the kitchen for lunch at 3 pm. i was prepered for a whole bunch of yelling from my mother, but somehow she didn't seem to mind and was so cool about it. she didn't say anything about me being so late, although even she hadn't had lunch till 3 pm. this is so good! what saved me from all the bad stuff was probably the fact that she herself was really busy because the maid didn't come that day, so she didn't have to sit and wait for me and just went about her work.

i was just so caught up with cleaning on monday that i didn't come to cups at all that evening. this almost never happens unless i'm just outside home all day, because i'm so addicted to 7 cups, i can't go 1 day without it. yeah, really. but that day i was just so busy and running around the house to do things and getting cleaning done and getting to bed became the priority over cupsing. i think that's good because spending so much time on cups isn't exactly a great idea?

oh, and my mother and i had decided that we'd have ice cream that night. when i asked my father if he wanted to have some and he nodded 'yes' like an innocent little kid and it was honestly really cute and funny. of course i knew he'd say yes, he can never refuse ice cream. in fact, he got so excited that he finished his food so quick and headed off to go buy some ice cream.

tuesday (1st oct): it was a really tough day at school, especially the first four periods – i felt overwhelmed, sleepy, worried, and seriously regretted even going to school that day. but it got better later in the day. the fifth period was PE and i really hated it standing in the scorching sun and not doing anything because i dunno how to play so my job it to just stand and do nothing. but somehow being there and looking at others play distracted me from my overwhelming thoughts, and that's a really good thing.  after the class ended, i talked to my friend and discovered that the same thing happened to her – PE class distracted her from her exam related thoughts. i somehow felt so good hearing that, i can't explain why. maybe because i realised that this phenomenon didn't only happen to me.

the following period was also pretty good, geography, though i usually hate it. i was regretting my decision to go to school that day and that feeling stopped as i realised going to school hasn't been so pointless after all, because the geography teacher gave us our papers. yes, she corrected the papers in one day, which is very impressive, and showed them to us. i didn't score very well, thanks to two really stupid mistakes, but i guess 18/20 is still kinda fine. just mad at myself for the stupid mistakes i made... i could've done better. anyway, why am i talking about the bad?

history class that day was way better than it generally is. normally the teacher just reads out of the textbook and says some additional stuff, and it get's really boring that way. but on tuesday, she came to class without a textbook, just with her water bottle and pen drive. she introduced the new chapter (nazism and the rise of hitler) and discussed hitler's childhood. she told us that he had a really disturbed childhood and how that made him the person he became. i find that interesting and i feel, it makes me realise something. anyway, she also showed us a video about some photo album and the video was analysing some photos and of course that that interesting. i can happily say that tuesday's history class was quite fun.

and in english, we did a wonderful new lesson. i quite like it and feel like the lesson covers a lot of emotions in a good way, like that of being left out or treated unfairly. i wasn't really expecting it to cover things like that, given that this lesson is an extract from the autobiography of a famous indian scientist. but yeah, the lesson's good, the techer likes the lesson too, and the teacher was in a good mood that day and shared one of her stories.

on the way home, a little kid in the school bus asked me to move from where i sat because she wanted to sit together with her friend. when i moved, the little one said "thank you didi" and that was sooo sweet. being called 'didi' nowadays is so rare these days. but yeah, some polite children do exist and i love them and of course i like being called 'didi', sometimes i wish i could be someone's real didi. (didi is hindi for older sister, it is also used to address anyone else who's slightly older than you.)

i came home that day to finish cleaning the rest of my room – my wardrobe, study table and dressing table. i felt good when i was done. and i also got to a bit of studying. some french work for 25 minutes only, but i was super focused and got a lot done in that 25 minutes, and i feel good about that. and the best part is, i got to bed by 11:54 pm, and that's amazing! it meant i got a full 8 hours of sleep since the following day was a holiday.

wednesday (2nd oct): i don't seem to remember much from wednesday to be honest, i have no idea why. i remembered so much from monday and tuesday even though that was longer ago. anyway, here's what i do remember.

my father and i had gone out for the photograph thingy and that went terribly in my opinion and it was too hot outside too. but on the way home, my father needed to buy some medicines and i went with him. outside the medical story, i saw two really cute cats. as i bent down to look closely at those cute little beings, one of them got up and started meowing and when i walked away, it followed me for a bit. so cute and so sweet hehe! it lifted my terrible mood.

i think i also went out in the balcony for a bit that day and took some pretty nice photos and experimented with something too (blurry foreground). it was nice. 

i also chatted with a cups friend, and that was really nice since i hadn't talked to them much in a while. i found out that they had had a good, productive day that day and hearing that genuinely made me so happy. 

thursday (3rd oct): tough day, but i do have some good moments.

we got four of our exam papers - physics, chemistry, biology, and economics. they were overall really disappointing as i didn't score well enough in physics and chemistry (i lost 3 whole marks in physics and 1.5 marks in chemistry). in biology i got 25/25 but so did almost half of the class, so nothing special at all. for economics though i got 20/20 and i feel good about it. because first off, i actually studied for it and didn't score by some random good luck. secondly, only about 5-10 people along with me got 20/20, so a little something to be happy about, i guess. and most importantly, when the economics teacher was giving us our papers, she was actually saying something to every student and didn't have that super rushed uncaring attitude that most teachers do when they give us our papers.

for me, she told me that my paper was well-written, very neat and well-presented, and that my handwriting is good. then she said that my paper's got everything a good paper needs. now i seriously wonder how much of this she really means, but somehow my paper seems to have met her expectations, so that's good. whether she really means it or not, hearing good stuff from a teacher is always nice for me and it made me feel a little better when i was drowning in my thoughts of how badly i did in science. and she gave me a bit of a side hug too hehe.

then when i came home, i found out my mother had calmed down and wasn't so mad at me anymore like she had been the night before and that morning too. i thought she would be, because she was when i left for school, but i guess being alone let her calm down a bit so she wasn't super mad when i came home.

i finished tidying my room fairly early that day, and i think that's good. when it came to getting started with homework, i didn't exactly do that and started after 7 pm. before that, i chatted with a wonderful cups friend (not the same one that i chatted with on wednesday) and they really made me feel better when i was honestly not feeling good at all. i enjoyed talking to them, especially since we haven't talked too much in some time.

i got most of that day's homework done and i think that's good. i only left a bit of it for the next day. yeah, i wanted to complete some older work today too, and that didn't happen, but i guess it's fine at i at least did most of that day's work, especially since i hadn't been feeling good and was pretty unmotivated.

friday (4th oct): school was pretty boring and not much good stuff happened expect we got our french papers and i'm happy with my marks for once. i think 78/80 is fair enough for french. some bad stuff related to this happened too, and it made me feel like a really bad person, but let's not talk about it here.

and i got a really good nap on the bus ride home, and that's supposed to be good, right?

yeah, and i washed my hair again so that's one thing that felt good. and i don't really remember the rest of my day, it was probably just something ordinary, nothing that stood out to me, and those are the things i don't tend to remember.

but one amazing thing i remember very well is that i got back to my cups work after a break from it during my exams. i'm part of the peer appreciation team and i really enjoy helping out there. making the graphics and all of the stuff, it just makes me feel so good. i missed doing this during my exams and i'm so happy i can finally do it again. it's really fun.

i also had ice cream and it felt good. i had ice cream on tuesday, wednesday, and thursday too but it only felt good on friday.

saturday (5th oct): so i woke up with a little less than 7 hours of sleep, but i somehow still felt like i had some energy and it felt good. of course the energy came crashing down in the afternoon, but that's a different matter.

one really great thing that i've gotta share is that my mother yelled at me a fair bit in the morning. like how i messed with her schedule and how that messed her day up. but i was able to ignore it really well and didn't let it hurt me. that means that it didn't affect my mood or my behaviour towards my mother. i acted normal, like nothing happened. i didn't frown at my mother like i usually do when i feel mad after being yelled at. i went about my morning ignoring her and acting normal.

and you know what? my mother calmed down pretty quick (not frowning really helped there, lol). her mood got better pretty soon and everything came back to normal. that was lovely. ignoring my mother is so crazy hard but when i'm able to do it, it's so nice. just unbelievably nice.

yesterday i tidied my room pretty quick in the morning and showered in the morning too. i generally shower every day in the afternoon. it feels a little different in the morning and it does feel good somehow. i also felt really good for a bit and sorta danced around. and i also had some lovely ice cream after lunch yesterday.

in the afternoon yesterday, i started feeling so very sleepy. i told my mother that, and she said she's sleepy too. so i suggested we hug each other and sleep for a bit. and she agreed. so i went to her bed, hugged her, and fell asleep pretty soon. i dunno about her, but i remember a little moment when i woke up in the middle of my sleep and saw my mother get up and it woke me up obviously because my head was resting on her arm. but i feel asleep again and just kept on sleeping. in the end i got about 2, maybe more, hours of sleep and it was so nice.

after i woke up from my ultra long nap, my mother and i were supposed to watch a movie. so she searched for one. and i watched it, she only watched parts of it. the movie wasn't the best, but it was still fair enough and some parts made me laugh. the good thing is, just the idea of watching a full big movie for the first time since may 2024 is amazing.

i also saw some nice stuff on cups yesterday, and sweet messages from a few people. they made me smile.

today (6th oct): so i took a while to get ready today morning, but my mother wasn't mad, so that's one good thing. things were mostly going well, and i was on track to get a bunch of homework done today, until i got the news that my father would be doing some work in my room today, like installing the mirror. and also one rack to keep my whiteboard markers. so yeah, that seriously disrupted my homework plans, and i was able to do nothing all morning and afternoon.

but the good part it, this new mirror makes my room look pretty nice. the mirror itself it awful though, it's very bad quality. my father says he didn't know about it. anyway, let it be. because he drilled into the walls and the entire floor got dirty with all that dust. so i had to mop my room. i felt good when i got it done because now the floor's even cleaner than before. i haven't mopped my room in a while, and i probably needed to do it anyways because the maid doesn't do it well enough.

also, my father had asked me to clear up some storage on an old computer we have at home, because apparently it's too full with my files and that makes it slow. he's been asking me to do it for months just i just kept saying i'd do it later. finally today, i at least started to look over some stuff and see what to do with them, haven't started clearing anything up yet. in the process, i came across something beautiful i wrote when i was 11 years old. i wrote about how i was growing up and how my body was changing,  how i didn't want to grow up but had no choice. most importantly, i wrote that i loved myself, and that i thought i still looked 'beautiful'. it's funny. it's so crazy funny. i can't believe i wrote all that at 11 years old. but i did write it, so now i realise that once upon a time, not too long ago, i loved myself and my body. how things have changed...

anyway, i saw something really nice on cups today and smiled. i also saw a super sweet message from someone. it all makes me feel really good. also, i was able to vent somewhere about something that was bothering me and somehow writing it down feels like such a relief. and of course, i'm so happy i've finally managed to catch up on missed writing good moments. yay!

that's all i got for today, my day isn't exactly over yet because i'm gonna be up late doing homework, but i don't expect anything good to follow. in case something does come, i'll make sure i write it down tomorrow.