Back at Cups and my story

I used to have an old account here around 2 years ago and just left for like a year I guess. When I came back here it's so quiet and not as fun. I still remember the pikalution and the 💙💙💙 if you wanna know how long I have been here. 

Tw: Bad friendship circles and self doubts

The reason why I got here is because I used to deal with a condition where I feel like daydreams are better than reality (maladaptive daydreaming). In my case, it was caused by loneliness and I got tired of school. But now I'm not as bad as before. I can get a little more organized and a little more attentive... 

I recently made a new bestie at school (thank God) and yea we relate, we understand each other. And the thing is, I'm not sure if I should feel concerned or just ignore them when I found out about the **** behind my back.

Me: "But how did you and her knew about me back at 8th grade"

Her: "So there was this circle of gossips and they were talking about you pacing back and forth (I guess when I wait for my mom to pick me up) and yk other stuff... They thought that you're autistic"

The people who talk behind my back about it probably don't fully understand autism but I act odd... I have self doubts about it. 

I mean, the thing is, I can pick up on basic social cues. However I feel the need to stim a lot like if theres nothing to do for a second, I'll lose focus and probably either pace back and forth or play with stuff. My mom also told me that I lack self awareness. Like "Look, this person is doing A, why don't you do B?"

My mom thought I'm just ignorant but I feel different. Since I was little (elementary school) , my classmates think I'm weird since I don't initiate social interactions and I stim a lot. And when I wrote a letter to my school counsellor (cause I am good at writing but awkward at speaking), she was like "I dont think you're autistic, you have good grades and you dont seem to struggle in your studies"

Bruh...

I mean, I don't have to be autistic to have these traits but like... I'm so confused... Why do I feel the need to do these stuff? Why do I feel the need to stim? Why is it when I write the words cone out but when I speak it just got automatically held in by fear? Is it possible that I have some kind of neurodivergence?

Also, not only classmates reported about this. Adults had also talked to my mom about this. The people at church reported about this. But my mom thinks I'm normal.

I mean, other people might not be entirely correct but... This concerns me...

And what do I do if I couldn't get tested cause my mom denies it? It's like no matter what I say, my mom is like "You're normal, you're just bla bla bla"