Unloved
I feel so unloved, like the pain of being alone in this world is too too heavy on me
How do I keep going?
I'm just so overwhelmed, I've been crying daily for like 3 days now
I lost it, I'm not doing anything good, I'm lashing out on others.
Whenever I try to make a friend I end up being selfish, and I hurt them
I can't make friends, but I still need them.
I've been alone almost all of my life, nobody cares about me, how do someone like me function without any of the important feelings that everyone gets? love, kindness, joy, enthusiasm, passion, ambition, humanly connection with others, nostalgia (As I never had good childhood memories, never went to any parks, zoos, oceans, traveling for fun, cinemas, or any of those places that are memorable memories for people in their childhood), and hope.
I just wanted a hug for too too long, ever since I was a child, but nobody gave it to me, and now I'm a broken guy reaching adult age, and I will be blamed for my trauma as if I chose this.
Unloved by parents, siblings, and everyone else who starts to know me hates me, in one way or another.
2 failed relationships, 1 blocked me, and one cheated on me
I tried making a friend here, and I ended up hurting them, and now they dislike me.
I wonder when they'll either block me, or use me for being too weak, I just don't think that they'll treat me any well after being this vulnerable to them, especially when they have issues themselves that could lead them to using me, or hurting me, and I understand that.
I'm already a failure of becoming a man, and even a human being.
Just a narcissistic who pretends to care.
And I don't know what to do.
Don't even have money for therapy, and I'm too broken to even go into this journey of college and jobs, I can barely survive while I'm with myself.
I literally wrote this an hour before a final exam that I barely studied for, I didn't even know what was the subject till I checked it last night.
People say that men can show their emotions, but that is a pathetic lie that gets told, just to pretend that we're equal, but nobody actually cares when a guy shows their emotions, unless they have a good amount in their bank account, or I guess a fancy wolf cut, or a six pack.
@sensitivePal85266 How to keep going? I don't know, that's a question that crosses my mind a lot as well. At the end of every breakdown, I just have to pick myself up again and somewhere in the strength that I gather to stand, I find a bit of hope and that hope feels like a good enough reason to atleast make it to the next day. Sometimes we don't get enough, it is not fair but giving up won't be fair as well.
I'm sorry that the nice memories that you deserved were never given to you<3 We can't change the past but you still have the chance to make new ones. You can give the love and care to your inner child. People can stay with us and hold our hands but they can't be a solution for our life's pain. The only thing permanent is our own self.
I see that you're hurting and that's turning into self blame, I hope you be able to forgive yourself and learn to love yourself again. And for those that blame you for your trauma, I hope someday they learn what's it like, maybe then they'll understand how much words can hurt.
All I can say as a stranger is that I care and can relate to the feeling of not knowing where to step next. Let's take it one day at a time, you've survived till now and you will figure things out from here onwards too but right now just focus on You and your mental health. I'm glad you were able to write this and share your feelings, you are a human and deserve to share your story just like anyone else. I hope you find some peace<3
It’s really good that you write this down and post it. At least you get to process your feelings despite people telling you man can’t show how they feel.
as a stranger I can’t say I understand or even near to understand. But as I read this post. I see you. And I believe you.
I believe that it hurts and it’s hard. And as a human, you need someone in your life to get you through things even when people said you are the only one that can help you. those feelings sure suck.
I’m quite alone in life myself. I’m sorry that you don’t get things that you supposed to get as a kid and also now. I hope it will get better or at least easier after this.
(PS. maybe it’s my country or my environment, but I never have a mind set that man should hide their feelings or can’t be vulnerable at all. I actually learned as I grow up that there are people who don’t want man to do so. So believe me. I think it’s perfectly fine and good that you show your feelings.)
Yeah, it sucks being told to "Love myself"
Like, I accept that there are skills I have that are better than some others, and that others have skills that are better than me, I accept it, because we are different.
But at some point, most people have connections to others, even if it's 1 person.
The people who say to love yourself are people that already get love from people in their life, like their family, partner, or friends.
They don't understand.
I'm just too tired of being alone, it has been this way for years and years, and now I fail to even keep one person.
As for the being vulnerable part, a lot of people lie about it.
My 2nd ex said that it's okay to show my feelings, and she was cold everytime I have shown them, not a single time where she cared, or even pretended to understand.
The day I found out about her cheating, she got on a video call with me pretending to emphasize with me.
But when I cried in front of the camera to her, she laid her head on her pillow, and closed her eyes, right in front of me.
I am so sorry to hear that about your ex ㅠㅠ that was really insensitive and shallow of her. I hope you will met someone better then that,you are just 17 aren’t you ?
I don’t know why did your post disappear from my notification,I’m so sorry I try to find you and send this message but I can’t until now 😭😭, I checked back here because I did something and I think of you !
yesterday(from the time I wrote this massage) was a festival in my country, I know it might sound silly but in this festival we hope for bad things to flow away with water. I ask our river goddess to take emptiness and loneliness away from you even if only a little, and may you find something important and beautiful in your life.
and I join a *** server for finding friends earlier, and I find (rather people found me lol) some sweet people on there. (It was first new friend I make in so long 😭 felt a lot better, so I thought of you) maybe you can try one of those !
(seem like I can’t post a link here, but the one that I’m in is just called ‘Make New Friends Here’ I think it’ll came up first on google !)
🫐
@sensitivePal85266 I understand that it feels like you are all alone in this life and it's extremely difficult to find a reason to keep going. The fact that you are on this website, making a post, shows that you still have a spark of hope in you. You are reaching out, you are trying. Your words in life may seem to be affecting others around you in a bad way, but it sounds like they hurt you first. You have a right to be happy in this life, but sometimes, others can't give that to you and you have to search for it yourself. So my suggestion is this: keep yourself healthy, become the person you would look up to, don't put all your faith in other people, and finally, keep trying. There is always hope, never forget that.
Keeping myself "Healthy" is what's difficult for me.
I can stay alive, not a big deal, but I have no will or energy to do good habits.
How do I function without having a goal that I can see?
It always has to be for someone.
A partner, own children, family, a good friend.
And since I can't see any of them right in front of me, I'm unable to fight, and it would be meaningless if I fight, then I end up alone at the end, the same way.
I've been lonely all of my childhood.
The people who say "Love yourself" surely have someone in their lives, no matter how small they may see it, surely there is atleast 1 person.
I can accept myself, but I can't ever fight for myself.
It's not in my system.
@sensitivePal85266 So you say it's hard to "stay healthy"? Yes, that is very hard, I struggle with "staying healthy" all the time. And "staying healthy" isn't always physical. It includes mental health and social standing as well. This means how you feel, how you treat others, how those around you treat you, and what you do with your time. These may not be helpful to you (because our situations are different, we lead different lives), but here are some ways I try to keep myself healthy: write down (or type up) how you feel as often as you can (which could be once a month, once a week, every few days, or even every day if you can); use websites like 7cups to get your emotions out with a listener, but don't become attached to them because they might not always be there when you need them; and finally, if you can, get a pet (it doesn't have to be a dog/cat, I have a snake) so you have something to care for and something to keep you on schedule. Like I said, these might not be helpful to you, but these are some things that keep me motivated. I'm not fighting for a good life, I'm just trying to keep myself from being depressed. Thank you for responding to my reply. I hope you see this reply as well.
I agree with the attachment thing, I think I went through that with some of the listeners I talked with.
I guess I have this feel of: "They know my past, they know my backstory, I made effort in telling it, then they should treat me like how I want it, and be my friends."
I don't tell myself that, it's not a mindset, but it's probably how I feel about it, considering my feels of disappointments whenever I talked to them.
And also the pet thing, I've had cats ever since I was 8, and my latast 6 year old cat just died 5 months ago, right before my second relationship with the narcissistic cheater.
I don't think I can get any more pets, as my father won't allow it, and he used to abuse the cats we had aswell, hated every one of them for some unknown reason.
Right now I just don't have the will to do anything at all.
I unconsciously try to numb my pain by playing video games, and I guess I end up falling into that certain addiction, starts with a p.
I've had nightmares that contained my second ex, she just keeps popping in my head, even when I don't.
And the images that creeps up into my head about her being with that guy...
It hurts...
I don't know what to do anymore.
It's like I'm a walking zombie, with no will to do anything useful at all.
I'm exhausted.
@sensitivePal85266 I have been in that state before, the feeling of being a walking zombie. I was so depressed and tired of everything. I didn't want to get up in the morning and then when I finally did get up, all I did was watch tv. I eventually snapped out of it, but I was like that for about three months. It took my own realization that if I don't set goals, I'm never going to do anything with my life. I wanted to become the person I would look up to, be a person that other people would look at and say "I want to be like that." And I couldn't do that if I never set any goals. They were small goals at first: get out of bed every morning, drink 3 cups of water every day, write a journal at least once a week about what I accomplished and what I wanted to get done, stuff like that. But now, it's been a few years since that time. I'm going to college now, I'm talking with my mentor every week, I'm doing small exercises every other day, and I have a goal of what I want to do with my education. I may not achieve that goal in the end, but I'm working towards it and I'm not going to give up, not when I've come so far.
I understand that this might not mean anything to you (as I am a total stranger giving you this story), but I hope it helps you to see that this current place you're in isn't the end. You say you feel useless and abandoned right now, but this is not the end. Maybe it will take time for you to find motivation again and maybe it will be a while before you find someone who you can truly trust. Just take some time for yourself (it could be a few days, it could be a few weeks, it could be months) and try to create goals for yourself. Small ones first, remember that, and when it feels like you can create bigger goals, go for it. Time and space for yourself can be very helpful.
Once again, thank you for responding to my reply. I hope this helps in some way. And if it doesn't, let me know. We can keep talking through forum posts.
I get not having the will power to do anything I hope everything will get better thank you for sharing
@sensitivePal85266 i can relate to this alot acctually, like everything you have said in ur post is everything ive ever wanted to say. only difference is im not male. im looking for friends on here and will always listen if u ever want :)
Heyyy You got this okay? youre loved and im always here up gor a talk always 💕
@sensitivePal85266
Im so sorry you're feeling all of this 💙
How do you keep going? You're doing it 💙 Keep reaching out, keep trying, keep fighting 💙
It's so difficult being in the world, especially when you feel so alone. When we're hurt, sometimes we hurt others 🙁 Trauma can be so debilitating, and when we find others that get it - that changes things. You are in the right place here with us 💙 There are many people here who can relate, who are needing this connection, don't give up please 💙
No one has the right to blame you for what happened to you, and that includes yourself.
One of the strongest things a human being can do is be vulnerable, so you're already showing your strength of character 💙
Please keep reaching out, you'll find those people who are your people, don't give up.
Big hugs coming from another stranger across the world who understands 💜
This.
Also in addition to reaching out is to try to add a little bit of working out like walking outside for a few minutes while listening to your favourite uplift music or sounds to put your mind at ease and heal.
Or maybe join a fitness class or learn a new hobby to channel that energy into positive (if that makes sense). Hopefully you may meet new friends.
Sending love and hugs 🤗
Heyy how are u feeling? I thought to check up on u, i know things are really tough rn but im here i got u, Just know that everything is gonna be okay and youre strong enough and crying doesnt make u feel any less weaker. You got this and youre loved. Im a message away 💕 we can talk daily and discuss everything
Your acc is on adult, and I'm still a teen, so it's not possible.
Thank you though.
I will try to fix this dont worry 💕
I'm not sure if this will be seen, but update: it got worse.
The friends I mentioned on this app stopped talking completely, and the other one too, and a third friend outside of this app started talking with me at a time, then they stopped.
It's like a never ending cycle.
I know nobody lasts, but I don't even have a chance to connect at all, or have memories.
On another side, I found a potential partner, for the first time in my life that I find someone that compatible with me, in the same country too, we were like soulmates.
But I got heavily rejected due to unclear reasoning, they told me at first that I'm mature for my age, then at that time they said I'm not mature enough for them.
It made me cry yesterday, the entire day.
I'm constantly experiencing abandonment on a daily basis, it just doesn't stop.
Due to certain strictions in my country, I'm not allowed to just find a partner in anywhere just like that, nor date.
It's a ruling here that there should never be any physical connection between opposite genders, unless they're like old, and just straight up go for the marriage. (A Muslim country, just saying).
All of this just created a massive distrust in females for me, I understand why a lot of guys choose to be alone.
Like, I looked up on what's wrong with me as a partner, and I discovered that being the "nice guy" is a whole flaw that even good females will unintentionally take for granted, and use it, because it feeds off their ego, untill they don't need it anymore and move on.
And I guess a certain number of them have a thing with having a strong sense of control.
My second ex wanted to keep me under her control, even after she cheated on me.
Imagine threatening a partner you cheated on to leave them, it's not even human. (And that was why I did the block myself, I blocked her just for that, but otherwise I would have given her other chances if she agreed to breakup with that guy, but she refused)
My first ex kept me under control for months with the ghosting method, untill they blocked me
When I was younger, I always wondered why girls chase the bad boys, and why others chase the abusive guys, and here I got my answer, in the hard way, twice.
Also, I got 2 nightmares today about the cheating incident with my 2nd ex, one of the nightmares were about reaching out to her, and funny enough even in the dream she did not admit that she cheated, such an emotionally immature person.
Do I really have to be a bad person to gain friends and a partner?
Also, I'm self aware that I seem to tell a lot of people about my poor state, I guess it might be due to my childhood traumas, that makes me want attention.
When it comes to making friends, guys are not really emphasatic.
Tried reaching to 2 male cousins.
1 of them started talking about how horrible and evil females are.
And the second older one blamed me for it, says that he warned me not to find anyone, and then he started talking about his own issues.
Even if an emphasatic guy reached out to me, I have a sense of envy that I'm unable to stop whenever I see guys in a higher position than me, so it hurts my musculine pride in a way.
And the issue with talking to females too is that I get attached easily, and that attachment doesn't end up well.
I'm sure you know what I mean with that.
@sensitivePal85266
Love yourself.
Love yourself extra, especially if you're all you have.
Doing self-care is not being greedy.
You must care for yourself so you can be your best ultimate self to take on the responsibilities and supporting the people around you.
As they say in the airplane cabin safety briefings, put on your own oxygen mask and make sure air is flowing through before assisting others with their mask. Why? Because otherwise you could both pass out while you are helping.