Broken
Been working and training as a medic for more than two years. Loved it as I always did and I still love it. I genuinely love being there for people during their most critical times but the system is broken in too many aspects.
The long hours as if we aren't even human, we aren't allowed to walk out of shifts even if we've seen some true ***. I said it once and I'll say it again, I think the EMS finally broke me. I dealt with some of the worst calls but the day I got to be the first responder on my coworker's death, I knew I was officially broken.
Forget about the fact that we get paid in peanuts; money was never my number one priority. But the shifts, the mental, emotional and physical aspect which has been ignored. The amount of anxiety and feeling over the edge before every shift of mine. The bullying and competition for ranks forgetting about the patients' actual wellbeing. Being looked down by nurses and doctors. "Why have you done this?" or "Why haven't you done that?" I feel a great insecurity of actually being able to save anyone anymore.
I don't feel like I'm doing the right thing. I constantly feel like doing more harm than good. I question my ability to actually be able to help anyone. I'm exhausted...broken, mentally and emotionally. I'm numb, numb to bones. I became more numb than ever and can't get myself out of it. It's been months I'm still in the same state. It got so bad, the thought of me taking away my own life has been constantly in my head. I can't feel a thing and I can't even care.
I thought about quitting but I don't know. "I'll never quit the EMS" is something I always said. Yes, I love it, I *** love it but I can't. Something is wrong. I know I didn't break the industry, it broke much long ago before I joined and before we all did. No support, no actual empathy...just bullying and aimless competition with blaming everyone else to get away with it.
Mistakes happen and they feel horrible. They cost a lot and end up with someone blaming everyone else. Our chiefs don't give a *** and no one cares. You get into the ring to fight death, you see some truly traumatising scenes which are enough to emotionally k*ll someone. Then you just restock the ambulance to get ready for the next call. Yes, the next call, because there's always a next call. There's always whole night to work if not 48 hours.
It gets too bad. Responding to a su*cidal emergency feels like seeing myself in the mirror, only difference is that I never seeked help like my patient did.
If I ever demand to be sent home after a tough one "wait till you days off" is what I get. When I talk about it with people, I'm told that I chose a career which I'm too weak for...and if one of us actually commits suicide, "why didn't they speak up earlier?" How's that even a question?
It's too hard to shut it off. However it's almost impossible to talk about the stuff we see with friends and family. How could they understand? I'm worn out, I feel overwhelmed and alone.
The healthcare industry is broken, the front line is broken, everything else is broken. I can't, I *** can't anymore. It's too much. It's too much but I love my job, I genuinely love it. The thought of quitting doesn't feel right. It makes my heart skip a few beats. I don't know if I should quit, or maybe take a break...maybe retake my paramedic courses and training to start a fresh new start. I don't know, I just don't know anymore.
@TheRandomEMT
Hello, EMT.
I am so sorry the field is wearing you down. From what you are describing, it truly sounds like there is lacking so many safety nets for you, and your coworkers. I am very sorry this is the case. I deeply sympathize with your situation.
I have no experince in your field, but as to my imagination there must be plenty of impressions during a rough shift. I find it only reasonble to expect some accomadations on place, for the times you need to look after yourself. No one should be expected to shoulder these things, without a support system available.
I understand you feel conflicted about wanting to quit, or not. It definitely sounds like these current cicumstances are wearing you down. If I may ask, do you feel like your experience is common for EMT workers all over, or are there some hospitals that have better structures in place, to take care of their workers?
@Sib88
Hey. Thanks for reply. To answer your question, I believe the problem is common to all or at least most, that's why paramedics/EMTs usually only work a few years before quitting. The mental health aspect behind it is pretty well-known. Oh and we don't work in hospitals but in stations because we're the ambulance service. That's how we're unique from everyone else in the medical field.
The main problem is I know I love this job and the thought of quitting hurts. I honestly don't know what to do anymore. It's true that I have an alternative option as I'm still young, but again I don't think I'll be able to quit
@TheRandomEMT
Thank you for your follow up. I can see that there are some complex, underlying defaults in place. I also hear that you really love your work. I am sorry this situation is so tough to navigate.
I don't want to sound like I am suggesting mumbo-jumbo, because I've only just looked into this myself. My suggestion may not resonate with you, but in the off chance that it does, I am putting it out here.
For a quick background, I am generally open to the idea of energy work. Concepts of our being consisting of more than flesh and blood. Reiki is a generally well known healing method, that works with concepts such as the energy body. I am no expert in this field, I am just generally open to how our health can be supported in additional ways.
Because of this, I've just recently started exploring something called morphogenic fields.
"A quick explonation to this would be: Morphic resonance works through morphic fields, which organize
the bodies of plants and animals through vibratory patterns, and
underlie their abilities to regenerate and heal after damage. Morphic fields also coordinate the vibratory activities of the nervous system, and are closely connected to mental activity."
Again, I only have a superficial understanding of this concept. For what it's worth, the idea is that our bodies and minds can be susceptible to different types of specifically programmed fields. There are many, many fields, freely available on youtube. A well known maker is Sapien Medicine. In his channel description, he writes:
"Heal and empower yourself with hundreds of free, energized audios, that
direct changes in your mind, body and spirit. Thousands of users have
enhanced their lives, with the touch of a button, for years. And now, maybe
you should as well.
As with the general trend in human societies, it is particularly
difficult to go beyond the accepted beliefs of one's world view. When a
new thought or idea is presented, the first response is usually not
'pleasant', mockery abounds. New ideas have to be around for a while
before anybody will support it.
As we persist in growing this ever
evolving library, and as more of this knowledge spreads, we can see the
effects of what defines a Morphogenic field. (100th monkey effect) An
undeniable idea that is proven to be solid. Unshakable and imbedded deep
into the world views of society.
Those who grow with these concepts and ideas as a normal part of life,
will undoubtedly be the ones to shape a new world as old dogmas fall
away.
The future is yours."
Another great creator is Maitreya Fields. They use energetic programing instead. I will link both channels for you, in case you feel like taking a look. Perhaps you can find some support through their work. Or perhaps it will guide you to an opposite approach. Either way, I wish a positive change and hope for you to keep your passion.
https://www.youtube.com/c/SapienMedicine/about
https://www.youtube.com/c/MaitreyaFields/about
@Sib88
That's totally new to me to be honest with you. But I appreciate you sharing. 💜
@TheRandomEMT
It's my pleasure 😊
@TheRandomEMT
I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. Being in that field is incredibly hard even with good support and a cohesive team. It takes a special kind of person to be able to do the job you do every day.
I know that it's not like you describe everywhere. Would it be possible for you to transfer?
@kayleebee
And about transferring, I'm still young and I have too many options in life. But there's something about the EMS which is making me stick to it so bad. I don't know what is it but as I said, I love the job too much to quit.
@TheRandomEMT
I've thought on your thread a bit and I apologize if I ramble on.
As I said, it takes a special kind of person to do the job you do. It takes a passion for it, a calling if you will, which I believe you have. It also takes the ability to compartmentalize. As you said, take care of one, turn it off, restock the bus and get ready to go again. That's not easy, many people can't do it at all and I don't believe anyone can do it all the time.
I've had many friends and relatives that worked as EMTs and other first responders. It was a career I considered at one time and decided against for the very reasons you state here. I decided against several career paths that I know I could have done well at. I also know they would have gradually taken something from me that would have destroyed the very things I value most about myself. Because I CAN turn it off and do it all too well.
I do know that not all departments are like where you work. Some are amazing, others not so much. Far too many are abysmal. It is the system that's flawed. My thoughts on transferring are not necessarily to do something different, although it might be that you'll find a way to still help and serve in a different role. Some enjoy the fast paced mostly anonymous hustle of a metropolitan area. Others enjoy the more personal slower pace of a suburb or rural community. Some clergy like their small community parish while others aspire to the cathedral. Perhaps you're just hearing the call from the wrong direction.
@kayleebee
I personally enjoy metropolitan areas but rural EMS is no joke. I know a couple people there and even though it's a small region, it's still pretty messed up. For now, all I know is that I love the EMS but as I said, one specific emergency I was dispatched to broke me so bad. Most probably I will consider a career in medicine but not the ambo service anymore but that isn't my final decision. I totally understand why you avoided that career path. To be honest with you, when I signed up, I never knew the unglorified side of it. Even if I knew it, I'm pretty sure I would've still went with it. I have a weird passion for the job and I kind of feel that there's an unknown force keeping me despite wanting to quit. I think I'll just give the thought a few months with thorough thinking and planning before I decide. Thank you for your reply.
@TheRandomEMT
I did know the dark side of it. I was immersed in it growing up and thankfully I realized my own limitations. I wish the reality was clear for anyone. It's not all glory, far from it.
I had a friend that felt very much as you do. He was an EMT for a bit over 10 years, metro and rural. He finally had to give it up. He spent a few months trying to heal and thinking of what to do. I listened to him talk often while he was struggling with the same decisions you are now. As you said, one call that broke him. He tried for awhile but simply couldn't. There's no shame in that. It makes you human.
My friend is working now as a high school athletic coach and very involved with youth programs. He also teaches first aid, CPR and swimming. We talk rarely but he's found fulfillment in making a difference another way. A lot of soul searching led him there. He's also much happier. I do hope you find your way, whatever it may be. Much love to you.
Having many family working in this field, I would say you're not alone feeling this way, and it's awful seeing talented caring people driven to stress and destruction by a system thst breaks people.
Sadly, my field, teaching is very similar- the role and system has changed unrecognisable over the years. Do you talk to colleagues about it. It's fairly taboo I think, but it shouldn't be.
@Cradlehag93
I do talk to my colleagues but unfortunately talking it out won't fix it. Just go to the bar, have a few whiskies after a tough shift to numb it out.
Numbing is such a common coping strategy. I think the hero narrative can be quite damaging as it's a extreme behaviour that's unsustainable.
@TheRandomEMT your a hero ❤ thank you ❤ your kindness and love for people, gives us hope gives me hope. That there are more good than bad people. I know times are hard in the world right now we need more heros like you!❤ It is definitely not fair the hours you work the stress your out under not being paid as much as you deserve to be. ❤ I will never forget the doctors and nurses who saved my life I could never thank them enough for their help. One-day you will get more than you deserve. Know that every person you help will forever be in your debt. Please keep going you are amazing and loved by everyone you've helped ❤ thankyou you are a hero
@Tinywhisper11
Thank you, Whisper. But honestly I ain't no hero.
@TheRandomEMT
I understand why you say that and how you feel that way.
Know this: you are loved and appreciated beyond what I can express in words. All of you are, by so many.
To those in need, you provide care and comfort.
To those who wait anxiously, you bring hope.
You bring joy, even if it is only for a brief moment.
You do it tirelessly, urgently, without selfishness and pay a heavy price do do so.
These things may never make you a hero in your own eyes, but you are a hero to those who look for you.
Even Superman had to take his cape off for awhile now and then. Be kind to yourself. You deserve the same things you offer so freely to others.
@kayleebee
Honestly, that sounds so much more than I ever deserved. I'm at lack of words. This is too much I just don't know what to say.
