TheRandomEMT Member Profile

Christmas and the EMS

Trauma Support / by TheRandomEMT

December 16th, 2022

...See more Holidays have always passed leaving nothing behind for the EMS but PTSD. Not to mention, Christmas is no wonder the worst. With all decorations around, there is not a better reminder you're performing CPR on someone in front of their family next to a Christmas dinner table and of course not to mention the amazingly decorated tree lying right there. I have barely been in the EMS for 3 years but already got enough ghosts around me trapped during this time of the year. People wish me "luck" by wishing me off for holidays but they don't get the fact that being on shifts isn't the worst to happen. Instead I'll be getting visits from my ghosts wishing me a happy Christmas. After a tough several months already, I'm destined to again be working Christmas this year, my 3rd since I joined the EMS. No matter how I try, there are no words to describe how it is to tell a family who were just celebrating to start planning a funeral. Or just get them to the hospital not having an idea about what's to happen next. Or get the question of "Are they gonna be OK?" which absolutely leaves you speechless because you either don't know or are afraid of speaking the worst. With not only the house decorated, but us blasting the streets with our lights and sirens in the middle of the brightest and most colourful Christmas lights fearing the worse to happen. It's true that I'm dreading working this Christmas but what I dread more is the few hours I'll be off work where everyone is out there enjoying while I'll get to celebrate with my ghosts and PTSD. And I'd appreciate if you guys stop telling me to quit my job because this isn't how it works. Stuff are getting heavy on my chest so I had to let them out. I did consider quitting but no, I'm not quitting. If every paramedic quits after a bad call, there won't be anyone responding to emergencies so think twice before telling me to quit. And if anyone's planning to tell me that I'm supposed to handle a job I chose, also quit saying that because you don't want a monster treating you. After all, we're humans, we get affected and I guess you'd rather have a human treating you than an emotionless monster who enjoys seeing you suffering.

Broken

General Support / by TheRandomEMT

November 10th, 2022

...See more Been working and training as a medic for more than two years. Loved it as I always did and I still love it. I genuinely love being there for people during their most critical times but the system is broken in too many aspects. The long hours as if we aren't even human, we aren't allowed to walk out of shifts even if we've seen some true ***. I said it once and I'll say it again, I think the EMS finally broke me. I dealt with some of the worst calls but the day I got to be the first responder on my coworker's death, I knew I was officially broken. Forget about the fact that we get paid in peanuts; money was never my number one priority. But the shifts, the mental, emotional and physical aspect which has been ignored. The amount of anxiety and feeling over the edge before every shift of mine. The bullying and competition for ranks forgetting about the patients' actual wellbeing. Being looked down by nurses and doctors. "Why have you done this?" or "Why haven't you done that?" I feel a great insecurity of actually being able to save anyone anymore. I don't feel like I'm doing the right thing. I constantly feel like doing more harm than good. I question my ability to actually be able to help anyone. I'm exhausted...broken, mentally and emotionally. I'm numb, numb to bones. I became more numb than ever and can't get myself out of it. It's been months I'm still in the same state. It got so bad, the thought of me taking away my own life has been constantly in my head. I can't feel a thing and I can't even care. I thought about quitting but I don't know. "I'll never quit the EMS" is something I always said. Yes, I love it, I *** love it but I can't. Something is wrong. I know I didn't break the industry, it broke much long ago before I joined and before we all did. No support, no actual empathy...just bullying and aimless competition with blaming everyone else to get away with it. Mistakes happen and they feel horrible. They cost a lot and end up with someone blaming everyone else. Our chiefs don't give a *** and no one cares. You get into the ring to fight death, you see some truly traumatising scenes which are enough to emotionally k*ll someone. Then you just restock the ambulance to get ready for the next call. Yes, the next call, because there's always a next call. There's always whole night to work if not 48 hours. It gets too bad. Responding to a su*cidal emergency feels like seeing myself in the mirror, only difference is that I never seeked help like my patient did. If I ever demand to be sent home after a tough one "wait till you days off" is what I get. When I talk about it with people, I'm told that I chose a career which I'm too weak for...and if one of us actually commits suicide, "why didn't they speak up earlier?" How's that even a question? It's too hard to shut it off. However it's almost impossible to talk about the stuff we see with friends and family. How could they understand? I'm worn out, I feel overwhelmed and alone. The healthcare industry is broken, the front line is broken, everything else is broken. I can't, I *** can't anymore. It's too much. It's too much but I love my job, I genuinely love it. The thought of quitting doesn't feel right. It makes my heart skip a few beats. I don't know if I should quit, or maybe take a break...maybe retake my paramedic courses and training to start a fresh new start. I don't know, I just don't know anymore.

"Trauma"

Trauma Support / by TheRandomEMT

July 28th

...See more I've been saying this for a while now but I'll be saying it again. Isn't it interesting that during an emergency, a chaos let's say, there is always this scene which traumatises everyone ranging from victims to bystanders. The casualties are always helped off, bystanders are offered support, the injured is treated, the deads' families are consoled. However there's one category of people who are also a part of this "trauma" yet they're never helped off. Apparently they're the first responders. The only difference between them or let's be more specific, their response...The difference between their response and the public's response isn't about how well they are when dealing with s**t It's that they only get to leave this scene, just leave the scene as the scene never leaves us by the way, so we leave the scene to respond to another call just right after. Talking about trauma, a bystander seeing this was enough to get traumatised for life, yet we see this on daily basis yet are expected to function normally. I posted about this before but I'm again mentioning it here, I developed this numbness which is apparently a mechanism to protect me from all this s**t. But..this isn't right though. I realised that now feeling could actually be much worse than not feeling but at the same time not feeling doesn't feel right. I'm traumatised and numb to the bones. When I ever talking about it, it's either that people are comparing "trauma" to see who's worse or tell me to quit my job. Comparing trauma is actually triggering and pretty often compelling to make me talk about all what I went through or what I experienced to actually show them what actual s**t is, which isn't great for me. Yes I get they're in pain, I get they're "traumatised". Yes, a paper cut is indeed painful but don't compare that to an amputated leg. That's the same s**t with comparing "trauma". Telling me to quit my job? That's another point. Just imagine going to every paramedic out there and telling them to quit. If we actually do listen to them, it's time to kiss the ambulance service goodbye and let the world burn down. So please instead of telling me to quit, know that this is my choice. Whether I quit or not, I know what I'm doing. I just wish I had support, never wished to be in a different career though. I'm a paramedic, I'm EMS, f**k whomever tells me to do otherwise.

Healthcare Workers Session Reminder

General Support / by TheRandomEMT

September 14th, 2022

Can't end this numbness

Trauma Support / by TheRandomEMT

June 12th, 2023

Session Reminder

General Support / by TheRandomEMT

September 7th, 2022

DNR: He was at peace, but I wasn't **Trigger warning**

Trauma Support / by TheRandomEMT

August 20th, 2022

...See more I was working a 48, first 12 hours were OK, next 12 hours I lost a patient and I don't know if the other would make it, third 12 hours were OK and the 4th 12 hours... Well, here's the thing. 44 hours into the shift, we got another call from dispatch: a middle aged male with severe chest pain which radiates to the left arm, classic MI symptoms. We classified this as a category 1 call and rushed to the scene. We arrived, connected the patient on a 12-lead ECG, confirmed it indeed was an MI in our preliminary diagnosis, admistered oxygen to help with his sats, morphine for pain relief and gave him aspirin. Everything sounds good till now. We then load the patient into the ambulance and I sit next to him in the back as my partner jumps in behind the wheel. In the meantime, I'm taking vital signs, writing a quick report and trying to comfort the patient with a little conversation in which during he kept talking about his two kids and wife who live in a different country. He talked about how he loves them and about how they mean the world to him. During this conversation he mentioned a very important detail, that's he's a DNR. Why was he a DNR though? No medical reason, it's just his will. Now we're still on our way to the hospital, my partner driving and I'm in the back monitoring and comforting the patient. Suddenly, his heart rate rises, the ECG rhythm changes to a VT, the patient slowly starts to code and I'm just there. My mind is screaming "PERFORM CPR", it's just the instinct, it's impossible to act against your instinct but what do I have to keep in mind? That my patient is DNR and legally there's nothing I could do. I just stood there, watching his heart rate then dropping from a 200 to 0, watching the rhythm changing to asystole, hearing him let out his last breath. He was peacefully passing and I had to let him go. The monitor beeping sounds were unbearable. My partner watching everything through the mirror, I slowly cover the patient with a white sheet from head to toe. My partner turns off the sirens and the ambulance slows down. I just sit down next to the deceased body till we arrive to the hospital. The body I was sitting next to was the same person I was talking to moments earlier. I've never seen anyone pass so peacefully before but I wasn't at all in peace. I could've just attempted resuscitation but I decided to act upon his will. I pushed hard to pull through the last couple hours of my shift. When it was finally over I went back home. Even after working 48 hours, I wasn't able to get myself to sleep for 16 hours later till I knocked myself out with Benadryl to be able to get some rest before my next shift. Just a really minor part the life as a first responder.

"Moving on"? Warning: Graphic Description

Trauma Support / by TheRandomEMT

August 15th, 2022

...See more For the past three months, I've been feeling really numb after an extremely horrible and graphic trauma code. I've been having flashbacks almost everyday and nightmares every single night. Since I left the scene that day, its been stuck with me. "We could always leave the scene but the scene never leaves us" is what we always say and there doesn't exist a more accurate description. Once I was back from this call, covered in blood and ashes, I didn't want to talk about, look at myself nor acknowledge the fact that it happened. I didn't want to believe what I saw, I didn't want to remember what I heard, the screams, the sirens, the blood, limbs and organs which are far away from the body...this seemed impossible to me, impossible to forget, impossible to overcome, impossible that Id be the same person again, impossible to feel happy, impossible and impossible...that's all what I had in mind. I talked to many people about that, here and in real life, people with similar experiences and I'm really thankful that they exist and I got to talk to them, no matter how much I thank them I wont be able to thank them enough. To skip past most details, I woke up today morning to think about it again as I do almost every single day. I started thinking again of what do I exactly mean by wanting to "move on". Is it that I wanted to forget everything about? Well that is impossible! I realised that this was an experience and that I wouldn't like to forget an experience no matter how horrible it was. I realised that I never acknowledged that this is the type of experience I needed to prepare myself for what's still to be coming. Now I feel so much better about it, especially the fact that I did my best to try and save all the victims. Its true that I didn't "succeed" in reviving them but there was nothing more to be done. I'm now certain I gave all what I could, and I got to experience something unique...in a bad way but I know I cant let this negatively affect anymore. That's life, not everything goes as we want it to, we cant save everyone and we cant do the impossible because after all I'm still a human. So in conclusion, I now feel much better about it and yes I'm still numb but in a good way.

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