Completely out of touch with my friend
So I have a friend I've hung out with for a good 20+ years and since last year things have just felt like a mess
It started last year during the summer when I noticed him being absent more and not really initiating contact to hang out (previously we'd hang out every week). I kind of took it personal and was hurt but later learned apparently he had beef with another friend which cause him to be withdrawn (no idea why he didn't tell me). In my frustration I responded less to his apps but didn't drop communications, just kept to myself
Fast forward to this year. I felt a lot better given I was in therapy and it was going great so I started hanging out with our mutual group of friends again. It seemed cool but whenever I asked him to hang out again he just seemed a lot more aloof? Sometimes he'd respond but it felt reaaaally difficult to get in touch and often he'd not respond or just respond at the last minute which was frustrating
A few weeks ago I called him to kind of talk about it. I was already just feeling *** situation but though as a last ditch effort I'd just call him and explain how I felt. I told him I felt really bad about my actions last year (being more withdrawn) and apologized and he seemed enthusiastic. He didn't really comment on his actions which kind of made me feel bad but hey at least it was a step in the right direction
Problem is it's been another 2 months since and I still feel like he's leaving me hanging a lot of the time. Last Wednesday might've been the worst of them: he DM'ed me telling me he got a new guitar part and whether I wanted to come hang out with him and jam a bit (I play guitar he plays bass). We had played music together and I was up so I mentioned to him sure. He DM'ed me back saying he was available from thu-sunday so I said I could hang out on friday/saturday but as soon as I said he dropped communications again
It felt kind of hurtful. Today, in a mutual group chat we are in, he answered to another person asking to hang out tomorrow only he'd interpreted it that they ask today (saturday) instead of tomorrow (sunday). He said he could hang out today and meanwhile still hasn't answered my DM which I know he read wednesday which just makes me feel really bad.
At this point I'm not sure what to do. I feel bad about my actions last year but apologized and don't know what else to say. I'm not sure he's angry or what else but his behavior like the last example just seems so erratic and I noticed just feeling really bad and ignored. I could call him again but I feel like at this rate I'm just calling him over and over and am not sure what else to say.
Tips, advice? I've known him for such a long time but it just feels like crap being treated liked this and I'm halfway there just to let him known I've appreciated our good moments but the current situation is not working for me. I just feel horrible about the whole thing
@easyOak7689
Ok follow-up, I DM'ed him this morning whether he'd be up for contact on the phone to talk things over and it of course turned into a complete mess. He initially responded in a message he could talk at 3 PM (he said he was in the car driving but could talk hands free). I DM'ed him at 2 PM back saying sure, though asked him whether his gf would be with him since I'd prefer to talk 1-on-1. He didn't DM back so that already felt a bit iffy but at 3 PM I called him anyway and of course he didn't pick up the phone. I waited 15 minutes whether he'd call me but didn't nor said anything in his DM's so at this point I'm just totally over this for the moment. He'll probably send a message in an hour again saying like "sorry we can talk later" but I'm so done and feel like I'll NOT reply or contact him for at least a while since this just keeps happening over and over. Am just so *** still atm and not sure whether it is justified but feel this has been going on for such a long while and just needed to vent and put this in a message here because UGH this whole thing is so stupid
@easyOak7689
I can imagine how painful that has got to be- after 20 years of such a solid friendship and so much time spent together.. you must have countless great memories and many in your position would be experiencing grief over a loss as major as this.
When you were left in the dark about his absence, that had to have been so confusing and even painful as he was a staple to your social routine- the friendship sounds like it meant so much to you both. How did you feel when you found out the reason why?
PS. I also greatly admire that you went to make amends and held yourself accountable. That isn't easy to do for many people.
@zaatarHoney
Thank you for the kind words! When I heard it was like an "aha" moment. I also felt bad and realized I dropped the ball back then by not calling him and talking over WHY he was out of touch since if I had done so he would probably have opened up (we used to be able to talk pretty well) and said he was dealing with stuff and I'd have realized it wasn't that he didn't want to hang with me (which is what I was assuming).
Right now I'm just taking my distance and feel like it's a good thing to do - I don't hate him weirdly (I've been very frustrated it seems but right now not so much) and don't blame him too, but I feel I'll just blur my boundaries if I continue to engage and don't even know if it'll lead to anything. I'm not sure if I just will leave the mutual group chat we are in (he was my closest connection) or just hold off but I feel I at least really tried and am glad I took the choice to try and establish contact today even if it didn't lead to anything. Not sure how this whole thing will end but for now I feel weirdly okay (though not at ALL happy of course).
@easyOak7689
Of course, close friendships are a gift - and to watch a friendship we valued unravel and become complicated is a thorn placed in the perfect place to feel deeply every time we set a foot on the ground to move forward.
I'm hearing that it felt personal and being someone with boundaries, as you'd mentioned, and naturally you would allow him to create the space he needed- then of course, time flies by us all with how much we deal with on a daily basis.
When you said "but for now I feel weirdly okay (though not at ALL happy of course)," I felt that. While this current circumstance you're in with your friend is not ideal, you have done what is in your power to do and I respect so much that you are aware of your boundaries, as you'd mentioned, and are analyzing what other precautions you can take at this time without acting first.
In a situation that is frustrating and disorienting, you are handling it incredibly well. This friend may have detached emotionally to you due to how they felt about that other individual though may not recognize it consciously themselves, as it seems in their heart they remember the closeness you two have shared- hence their excitation when you'd called to apologize. A lot of the behavior is contradictory for whatever reason though, and it's understandable that you're frustrated. "Are we okay or aren't we? What does our friendship need now? Do we have a friendship?"
Hanging out with someone they have had issues with doesn't make you the enemy especially when you were unaware - you were never meant to be a mind reader and that's not a responsibility that should be placed on any single person, no matter how well you know someone, or how long you've known them. Communicating when we feel hurt to someone is difficult, but if we don't communicate, there is no chance for resolution - only inevitable series ofconsequence.
Feel welcome to continue discussing things here and process them. ♥︎ And if you have another update and you'd like me to see it, please tag me! (Just type " @zaatarHoney ") and I'll be notified. *offers hugs*
@zaatarHoney
Thank you very much for your comment again. Really appreciate the insights.
So, after my friend DIDN'T pick up last sunday he of course started spam-messaging me about wanting to call in the evening. Also even tho I asked in the morning if he'd prefer talking in the evening, and he said like nooo I can only talk in the afternoon, in the evening he started spam-calling which just hurts. Like, feels just like a complete disregard.
Today I left the chat group of our mutual friends and it was hard. My best friend started apping me like "noo I hope it's not something I did" and I had a weak moment and responded like "I guess it's some frustrations I have about meeting and also scheduling the talking about it" and he responded like "yeah we didn't really communicate well last sunday want to schedule a new talk" which again frustrated me and I know trying to set up a call again will just have the same outcome. Also he said "I should tell him if I want to hang out and jam" which just feels like a giant slap in the face because I DID tell him I wanted to hang after he invited me last week and then completely dropped communications and didn't respond afterwards. Just, hurtful.
A number of mutual contacts in the group reacted really supportive though after I left the chat. I stated in the group chat I needed my space and don't blame anyone and my best friends brother DM'ed me saying "good on you, do what you have to do man!" which I'm really appreciative of. Also another person was also encouraging. 1 other person started asking me a whole lot of questions about why I left the group etc. which I feel really bad about but don't want to answer her I have trouble with my friend since she's also friends with him and don't want to drag her into it. So I'll just DM her that I need my space but appreciate her message which I kind of hate since I wish I could answer questions but just don't want to bring her into the drama.
Was really hard handling that but I do think it's for the best weirdly. Hate cutting contact but see nothing is gonna change also trying to respond to my friend. No hate towards him either just doesn't work the way we're doing this now. Just hate hate how this unfolded but definitely see we might hang out in the future but just not now.
Feel this is a lot of a ramble post but just really need to vent I guess since this is so so hard. I'm glad I'm doing this but will feel better in a few days when hopefully the dust has settled a bit. Just, UGH so difficult
@zaatarHoney
Yes, thank you for getting back again. I think you are right, I have cooled down a bit. It's not just them, a lot of things have gone a little bit awry as of late but I felt this was just compounding things. I don't blame him and realize some of these frustrations also reflect on me. Also told everyone in the group I don't mean ill towards any of them, just need my own time and that holds up regardless (and may be the overall message in this topic). But the way things were going were just not favorable anymore, no fault no harm (which I know may seem weird given the spewing of frustrations from my side but I hold it like that). Also apped my friend I just need some time and space and I think that is what is foremost for me the case.
Also to your last point, reaching out if he ghosts a bit proved to be a sour point since me asking more, inquiring more didn't real bring about much. There was also (and is up until I left) some drama going on between other members of the group, also including my best friend so it didn't really feel like a safe place fully to open up. But even tho I don't feel good about leaving I feel a little more peace and room for myself and I think that while not ideal it gives me some peace and removes a lot of pressure which I welcome and think may do me some good.
Again thank you for your replies, they really have helped make sense of this and appreciate the feedback in a confusing spot in my current life without much certainty in different respects. Helps truly.
@easyOak7689
I admire so much your ability to not just admire your situation with this group of friends, but also for your own needs and boundaries. And that, you don't ignore your needs, but choose to set healthy boundaries for yourself to have that time and space your spirit is needing at this time. ♥︎ I also can't forget to acknowledge how you also communicate your boundaries with your friends too! 🥹
If you'd like to receive active support so you can talk about how things have been compounding lately, feel welcome to share here or reach out a Listener for a 1-1! If you'd like to reach out to me specifcally, let me know and we can set up an hour to process it together. 🌸