Sanity or Sacrifice?
I am torn between showing unconditional love for a problematic (non-minor) daughter and keeping my own sanity in check.
We took her in (and her two younger siblings) when she was 7. Coming from foster care, there is always going to be baggage; but from that point forward she has lived in a stable two-parent home with Christian values.
I will also add that we adopted the six after our biological children were grown. So, we were not inexperienced parents when we took them all on. Out of a total of six that we adopted; and she has been the biggest challenge of them all … and believe me … that is saying something.
This particular daughter left home (and abandoned college) for a lifestyle she knew was against everything we had modeled and tried to teach her; has always been - and continues to be - incapable of telling the truth about anything (whether there is reason or benefit from doing so or not); perseveres in totally irresponsible life choices; and has no concern for the consequences (that impact not only her, but others). On a side note, she usually dresses in an embarrassingly inappropriately manner and her mouth has no filter.
Although she left town for a time, she moved back last year. She is now 24; has recently given birth to a fourth illegitimate child (calling from the hospital to gush about that being the hospital she wants to use when she has her next child); and is content to live on public assistance and misplaced charity from others. Child Protective Services has been involved from the birth of the first child; but has done little more than monitor. The kids are totally unmanaged; and the toddler wreaks havoc when they visit, while she (and the current boyfriend) just let it happen, think it is funny and make excuses … doing little to reign him in.
With all that, having them visit is a chore, not a pleasure. I avoid inviting them for a meal, as the resulting mess is indescribable … picture three high chairs, with unrestrained food throwing and finger painting. When I do invite them, they are the only ones here besides us … as it is all I can handle.
We have truly tried to provide guidance and help her improve her situation. In this last year, we gave her a car (I say gave, since she isn’t making the agreed payments), bought her a brand new washer and dryer (yet they are always in dirty clothes), bought a kitchen table and chairs … as well as 2 high chairs to help manage the children. I have bought cookware, clothing, general household items, cleaning supplies, groceries, and numerous other things. Her apartment remains dirty and disheveled; and she continues on the same path as she did without any of that. This is her chosen situation.
Now the quandary of the day … it is Good Friday and my son’s family is coming for Easter dinner and an egg hunt for his children. I don’t want to invite this other daughter and her children (+ boyfriend). If they come, nobody else will be able to enjoy the afternoon … because she and all of the above issues will suck the air out of the room. The entire time would be spent on damage control, rather than any form of relaxation and enjoyment by anyone else. Only one other family member is being invited … as he is also in the same town … is 20 years old … and lives alone.
I wouldn’t ostracize this daughter from a true “family celebration” … in spite of the concerns … and would be critical of anyone who wanted me to do so. This, however, is not a full-family event … none of the other (out-of town, albeit nearby) family has been invited. Would you invite the problem daughter (et al) just because she is family and local … but making it a miserable time for everyone else? Or would you not invite them, and enjoy the company of the others … knowing her feelings will be hurt and you will feel selfish afterwards for doing so?
@Justme1225 I can hear how difficult this is for you.
Unfortunately I do not know your situation and what the consequences of any advice may be, so I can only suggest that you consult with a therapist and that may be a helpful support for you as well.
@soulsings
Thanks for your response. For the record, I had been working with a therapist on problems with another adult child. The result was that it was healthy (not unloving) to set boundaries via distancing. This situation just became another extension of that ... and we had a very pleasant Easter afternoon.
@Justme1225 sounds great. Glad it was a good afternoon.
I understand how you feel about the situation with your daughter. You feel that inviting her to family get togethers or having her over for a meal will bring chaos into your life. You have your idea of how she and her life should be and she has her idea of how she and her life should be. Since you and her see things differently, there is that separation. I am certain that she feels that you are very judgmental towards her. But that doesn't mean that she doesn't want to have a relationship with you. She probably feels that your expectations are way too high of her. And perhaps that's the reason why she is the way that she is today. The expectations were way too high for her to reach so she just didn't strive to have a more orderly lifestyle. It sounds like that you have focused mainly on the material things with her and she has been missing that genuine and loving connection with her mother for her whole life. She probably wants her mother, but she wants her to be more loving and accepting. I'm glad that you do genuinely care about her though and you are caring about her in the best way that you have known how and learned how.
@peacefulIris56
I know this is an old post, but I just saw it ... been off 7 Cups for a while. Regardless, I need to comment back. You said, "She probably feels that your expectations are way too high of her. And
perhaps that's the reason why she is the way that she is today." Not so, she is the way she is today due to her experiences with her biological family, before rights were terminated by the state, and she was adopted by us. Even the doctors and counselors told us there was nothing they, or we, could do to get her past it. It is called Reactive Attachment Disorder. It is not about a focus of my own on material things. She is always invited to full family events. There are just times the rest of the family needs a little respite from the chaos. Without judgement, you would have a better understanding with a quick google on that condition.
@Justme1225 I wish this had an easy answer. This sounds like it could escalate if she finds out. On the other hand I know many people that steer clear of the conflict only to let it fester and grow. Kids and young adults can be very oblivious sometimes. I do bite my tongue for the peace at times. I do wonder if you had a truthful conversation with her about your feelings and fears. Its ok to be different from each other that doesn’t mean we should force ourselves on the people we are supposed to love. Have you ever forced your beliefs on her? If not she shouldn’t do that to you. If you have, she could be acting out her feelings of suppression. What ever happened I believe you deserve to be the one in control until you can find that common ground. Good luck
@hellopusher
I've been away form 7 Cups for a while, but still want to respond. Thanks for your thoughts. Just wanted to say that I am the one that is bothered by feeling guilty for my own loss of patience - and I worry that her feelings will be hurt; however, she is generally unaffected. I continually have conversations with her about everything, but it is water off a duck's back. She is incapable (truly) of being any other way. The conversations are mostly for my own benefit, so that I know that I did try. As I mentioned to another commenter, she has a condition called Reactive Attachment Disorder. Its a difficult condition to understand from the outside looking in. It isn't that uncommon with children from foster care; but still not well known or recognized. Her acting out is from her experiences with her biological family before the State terminated their rights. Now that she is of age, all we can do is set boundaries to maintain our own sanity ... in fact, our defense of her actions to other family members ... and insistence that she not be excluded from special events ... has caused problems on the flip side. It is a tough situation.