Sanity or Sacrifice?

@Justme1225 I can hear how difficult this is for you.

Unfortunately I do not know your situation and what the consequences of any advice may be, so I can only suggest that you consult with a therapist and that may be a helpful support for you as well.

@soulsings

Thanks for your response. For the record, I had been working with a therapist on problems with another adult child. The result was that it was healthy (not unloving) to set boundaries via distancing. This situation just became another extension of that ... and we had a very pleasant Easter afternoon.

@Justme1225 sounds great. Glad it was a good afternoon.

I understand how you feel about the situation with your daughter. You feel that inviting her to family get togethers or having her over for a meal will bring chaos into your life. You have your idea of how she and her life should be and she has her idea of how she and her life should be. Since you and her see things differently, there is that separation. I am certain that she feels that you are very judgmental towards her. But that doesn't mean that she doesn't want to have a relationship with you. She probably feels that your expectations are way too high of her. And perhaps that's the reason why she is the way that she is today. The expectations were way too high for her to reach so she just didn't strive to have a more orderly lifestyle. It sounds like that you have focused mainly on the material things with her and she has been missing that genuine and loving connection with her mother for her whole life. She probably wants her mother, but she wants her to be more loving and accepting. I'm glad that you do genuinely care about her though and you are caring about her in the best way that you have known how and learned how.

@peacefulIris56

I know this is an old post, but I just saw it ... been off 7 Cups for a while. Regardless, I need to comment back. You said, "She probably feels that your expectations are way too high of her. And perhaps that's the reason why she is the way that she is today." Not so, she is the way she is today due to her experiences with her biological family, before rights were terminated by the state, and she was adopted by us. Even the doctors and counselors told us there was nothing they, or we, could do to get her past it. It is called Reactive Attachment Disorder. It is not about a focus of my own on material things. She is always invited to full family events. There are just times the rest of the family needs a little respite from the chaos. Without judgement, you would have a better understanding with a quick google on that condition.

@Justme1225 I wish this had an easy answer. This sounds like it could escalate if she finds out. On the other hand I know many people that steer clear of the conflict only to let it fester and grow. Kids and young adults can be very oblivious sometimes. I do bite my tongue for the peace at times. I do wonder if you had a truthful conversation with her about your feelings and fears. Its ok to be different from each other that doesn’t mean we should force ourselves on the people we are supposed to love. Have you ever forced your beliefs on her? If not she shouldn’t do that to you. If you have, she could be acting out her feelings of suppression. What ever happened I believe you deserve to be the one in control until you can find that common ground. Good luck

@hellopusher

I've been away form 7 Cups for a while, but still want to respond. Thanks for your thoughts. Just wanted to say that I am the one that is bothered by feeling guilty for my own loss of patience - and I worry that her feelings will be hurt; however, she is generally unaffected. I continually have conversations with her about everything, but it is water off a duck's back. She is incapable (truly) of being any other way. The conversations are mostly for my own benefit, so that I know that I did try. As I mentioned to another commenter, she has a condition called Reactive Attachment Disorder. Its a difficult condition to understand from the outside looking in. It isn't that uncommon with children from foster care; but still not well known or recognized. Her acting out is from her experiences with her biological family before the State terminated their rights. Now that she is of age, all we can do is set boundaries to maintain our own sanity ... in fact, our defense of her actions to other family members ... and insistence that she not be excluded from special events ... has caused problems on the flip side. It is a tough situation.

One quote that may help you, "Charity if it brings dependency is violence"

@JK8287

Thank you.