To cut or not cut the hair of my nephew.
I know that by the title you can tell this is a dumb issue.
I wish it wasn't an issue at all.
Context:
I live with my grandparents, along with my younger sister and her baby boy.
He is 1 year and 8 months old.
And his mother has never cut his hair, not once.
And the issue is, that the kid is really unhappy with long hair.
It is a mess, he cries every time you have to fix his hair a bit, he hates how long it takes to dry it after a bath, he gets food on it constantly, etc.
Any parent will understand, that a little boy with long hair is a nightmare for both the parent and the little baby.
He can't even walk sometimes without his hair getting on his eyes.
So, literally everyone in the family has told the mother to just cut his hair!
But she won't do it, because she just loves to have a boy doll to play with. She doesn't care at all about the kid crying and feeling bad, she just wants her friends to praise her for being "a brave mom that let's the boy have long hair" and to use him to take pictures and get likes on Instagram.
And she also spends most of her time away from home with her boyfriend and friends.
And when she is home she barely even pays attention to the baby.
Like, right now she is not home. Has not been for the whole weekend.
And my grandparents are old and tired. And I cannot live my life because I have to do the nanny job.
All I want is for the job to be easier, and for the baby to not cry anymore because of his damn hair.
I told everyone I would cut it, but they don't want me because "she could get angry and they don't want anyone to fight"
And all of this makes me really angry, coz the really care more about a "fight" (not saying we will fight) over the wellbeing of the baby.
He doesn't deserve that.
And hearing him cry stresses me out so much more I want to cry too...
What should I do?
I want to just go and cut it, but no one will back me up...
And she just won't do it, no matter what anyone says.
I know it is not the worst problem in the world. But I really need the opinion of someone and I have no one...
Thank you so much if you read it all!
Why do you think she doesn't pay attention and doesn't care about her son? Is his hair such an important thing to you all?
@MidnightMoon90 I know it's hard to believe that a mother doesn't care about her son. But I am literally the one doing the mom job, while she is always out.
Plus I know it's just hair, it's not that important, it will grow again.
But no one else seems to understand that, nor help on keeping the boys hair short and comfortable.
All I really need is a bit of moral support.
I am here to listen I am not judging you in anyway. What in getting at is does the mother need help? Do you think she struggles with being a mother? Have you tried talking to her about it?
@MidnightMoon90 well, she did got pregnant by mistake and could not abort. But she receives all the help in the world. My grandparents and my uncle are the ones that pay for everything. Everyone takes care of the kid, while she does whatever she wants.
But I don't know if I would call it a struggle. She doesn't even try to be a proper mother.
Our mother was always, and still is, very abusive. And she is just like her.
Except that instead of beatings, when she gets a bit bored or annoyed she grabs her phone and backpack and goes away. It is exhausting to see her leave the kid there alone like he was a dirty rug.
She neglects him all the time, she doesn't mind what we do with the kid or how. She only pretends to care when it's something superficial that she can use for a picture to post online. And after the picture she goes back to neglecting.
Like literally: goes out of her room, snaps a video, goes back to her room.
Its like she doesn't care to be better than our abusive mother, she just needs to make her friends believe that she is a good mom.
And yes, my family has talked to her, and is constantly trying to make her understand. But she won't hear a word.
And i am here, helping on whatever I can, I just want to do what is best.
But I can't just go and do something to the appearance of the baby, because I am not the mom. I can't have the last word on those decisions. And I don't want to! I wish she was the one caring. But she wont listen, and we have been trying to make her understand for months!
I'm sorry if I'm writing too much. I really don't know how to deal with this situation...
Please don't be sorry that's totally ok it sounds like she has her own troubles as well. It sounds you like you are the one parenting the child. Well done you for stepping up. It's a hard task.
@MidnightMoon90 thank you for reading me and saying some kind words.
Its hard, but writing it made me feel a bit better, and to think that maybe I am drowning too much on a glass of water...
I will keep trying to do my best and hope that this situation gets solved in the best way possible.
Thank you again ♡
@Deadbug
Who bathes the baby? Who feeds the baby? Who takes the baby to the doctor? Who puts the baby to sleep each night? Who plays with the baby? Who is with the baby taking care of him?
The person who does all of that is the one who gets to determine what is done with the baby's hair, his clothes, etc. Because that person is the parent. Birthing a child doesn't make anyone a parent. It's the day to day life and loving of that baby that makes a parent.
@thoughtfulmomma My grandmother and I are the ones doing all that everyday...
Thank you for writing. I tried talking with my grandmother about it and she still doesn't want to do it.
But my sister just arrived. I will tell her now to do it or I'll do it myself. So she will have a last chance to change her mind. I hope everything goes well...
And again, thank you for your words! ☆
Ok, I told her (with my grandpa as a witness)
"cut the hair of the baby, or I will do it, you have a week to do it"
And she told me "no, I don't want to. He is my son, not yours. You can do whatever you want with a baby if you make one. But he is mine and I don't want to do it"
Me:" you don't take care of him at all, you don't care about how he feels at all"
She:" you don't brush his hair"
I was literally home all day caring for him. So I asked her.
"when was the last time you brushed his hair, or gave him food?? When????????"
And she couldn't answer, she doesn't even remember the last time she cared for him at all.
I got angry and screamed at her a bit because of the stupid things she says to pretend to be right, when her only argument is" he belongs to me".
So after some screaming I made my point clear. "I'll do it if you don't do it. And you cannot stop me"
After that my grandpa told me not to fight with her bc "she could get angry and go away with the kid, that would be bad for the kid, you have to talk to her and softly and nicely, that way maybe she will understand..."
Me:" everyone has beed doing that for MONTHS"
And argued with him a bit bc the things she is doing are the same our mother did with my grandparents.
So, my grandpa doesn't want me to cut the kids hair bc it would make her angry.
She controls my grandparents through the baby.
And now I feel really bad because I hate arguments. I really wish none of this was happening...
I really don't want to argue anymore, I really really wish she would change her mind and do it...
@Deadbug
I'm sorry you have to deal with this when you really shouldn't. Can I ask how old you are? Your sister can threaten to take the baby and leave, but I really doubt that would happen. She has a free place to live, free daycare, free everything. She's not going to give that up. Your grandparents should file for custody of the baby so that they have proper say in what's going on.
It's not a dumb issue, and it's not, "just hair", to everyone. For some people hair is more of a religious talisman. So I would ask first if she or her son are from any culture that considers hair in this way before I could make a statement about the appropriateness of it or the rights of a part time mother. Also his age is important. Personally, my son has long hair, and it's a pain to keep clean and brush, but it's also a time of bonding when I sit him down with his dry erase markers (he draws on the mirror while I braid his hair, only way to keep him sitting still). My husband and I discussed his hair before he was born, because our son is multi-racial Potawatomi and in that culture hair is not, "Just hair". (We decided to keep it long until he was old enough to decide for himself.)
@brioforever We are not from any religion.
What you do with your son sounds beautiful, what a lovely way to bond ♡
But his mother does not use his hair to bond. She barely fixes it into a tiny bun, that takes her a minute. And five minutes later it's all messed up and tangled.
We all try to just keep it in a bun because if we brush it too much he kicks and cries and screams, it's no good for him...
And he loves rubbing his face and head on everything, plushies, pillows, sofa, the bed, the dog, etc.
He is too little to understand, all he knows is that brushing his hair is annoying and hurts :(
I am sorry to hear that. If he is not native or any of the other cultures with a strong long-hair tradition than to her it might just be feeling like she has some control. The thing with everyone else running your life for you, aside from it being exhausting for the people who also are trying to run their own lives, is that you also have to know on some level that you have also given up control of your life to those running it for you. Who knows what it would take to get her to wake up and see a need to change. Unfortunately it makes this poor boy feel like a pawn in the situation, reading this at least. My advice, get legal rights to the boy, or learn to love bonding over hair. (Also boar bristle brush from the bottom and oil helps those tangles, few small children like their hair detangled, boy or girl.)
