Past family issues disrupt my relationship
I have 2 living parents and 3 siblings, none of which I really have a relationship with. I love my father and he lives close but his aloof personality creates difficulty having a real relationship. I have not seen him in a year and have had maybe 4 phone calls since then. My mother is a narcissist who cannot accept any faults of her own. She was manipulative and manic in my youth and shamed me as a teen. My younger brother who I always adored has a severe drug problem and I have stopped speaking to him as he refuses treatment. My sister is my sister, we just have differences and aren't close. And my older brother got wise that our family was toxic along time ago and moved away and we have a pleasant but minimal relationship.
As a young girl I was quiet and went unnoticed amidst my siblings. I learned to throw tantrums to get attention. But this didn't really work. So I grew angry. My tantrums turned into fits of rage and I became progressively violent.
Now I try to accept that those people while biologically my family, aren't the family I have created for myself as an adult. I have a wonderful partner and I adore our life. I read a lot of self help books, I eat healthy, I exercise, I meditate but I still get these fits of rage. And I take them out on my partner. I believe that I am so used to it being normal. My family was so jaded by violence no one ever told me it wasn't normal and wasn't ok to behave like that. I think I just go into fight mode trying to be heard and trying to gain attention but I don't need to. I just don't know how to unlearn this with the snap of my fingers.
@turquoiseGrapes5391 I'm so sorry for all of the pain and abuse you experience. Your feelings are valid.
I am glad you have been able to find supportive friends and a relationship. Your triggers may take time to work through and that's okay. I think you are on the right track with the books, meditating, and being on here. Is counseling something that is accessible to you? If not maybe a support group or meditations particularly aimed at trauma or anger?
I’m new here, this is my first post so please forgive me any errors, just speaking emotionally after reading your post. I’m so inclined towards your story but what’s really interesting is it seems like such a similar family story yet I was the child the withdrew into silence and my sister is the one that reacts with rage. I mostly joined the group for general wellness but I forced myself to become active because after 25 years my sister and her family are moving back home and I’m so fearful of the dynamics I will have to navigate and how to build healthier adult relationships. I don’t want to put the blame on her, but like you, I’ve made myself a life that lets me feel comfort, but she gets so angry and hateful and it is really hard on everyone so I’m just hoping for resolve and coping skills so that maybe I can relieve some of that for her and everyone and not make anything worse. I wonder what you wish your family would do or say to prevent your rage or alleviate some of it once you reach that breaking point? She has two preteens and our other sister has four children and it is so terrible to see them witness these things. We didn’t have the chance for healthy relationships as children but I hope the cycle is broken.