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turquoiseGrapes5391
182 M Embraced 1
PathStep 10 Compassion hearts29 Forum posts11 Forum upvotes19 Current upvotes19 Age GroupAdult Last activeJune, 2022 Member sinceMay 11, 2022
Recent forum posts
Be ready to be your best self.
Positivity & Gratitude / by turquoiseGrapes5391
Last post
 May 15th, 2022
...See more Get ready to be your most healed version of self. The Universe is looking out for you and though you may have struggled or be struggling with some difficult things, it has all been to push you to do the inner work. You're about to feel lighter and happier than ever before. Own it. You deserve it.
Past family issues disrupt my relationship
Family & Caregivers / by turquoiseGrapes5391
Last post
 May 13th, 2022
...See more I have 2 living parents and 3 siblings, none of which I really have a relationship with. I love my father and he lives close but his aloof personality creates difficulty having a real relationship. I have not seen him in a year and have had maybe 4 phone calls since then. My mother is a narcissist who cannot accept any faults of her own. She was manipulative and manic in my youth and shamed me as a teen. My younger brother who I always adored has a severe drug problem and I have stopped speaking to him as he refuses treatment. My sister is my sister, we just have differences and aren't close. And my older brother got wise that our family was toxic along time ago and moved away and we have a pleasant but minimal relationship. As a young girl I was quiet and went unnoticed amidst my siblings. I learned to throw tantrums to get attention. But this didn't really work. So I grew angry. My tantrums turned into fits of rage and I became progressively violent. Now I try to accept that those people while biologically my family, aren't the family I have created for myself as an adult. I have a wonderful partner and I adore our life. I read a lot of self help books, I eat healthy, I exercise, I meditate but I still get these fits of rage. And I take them out on my partner. I believe that I am so used to it being normal. My family was so jaded by violence no one ever told me it wasn't normal and wasn't ok to behave like that. I think I just go into fight mode trying to be heard and trying to gain attention but I don't need to. I just don't know how to unlearn this with the snap of my fingers.
I don't know that I'm bipolar but,
Bipolar, Schizophrenia & Psychosis Support / by turquoiseGrapes5391
Last post
 May 19th, 2022
...See more I have always had very manic behavior. I attribute a lot of it to upbringing where my parents were not attentive and I learned to throw temper tantrums to gain attention, saying things like I wanted die even if I didn't feel that way, I just wanted someone to listen. The temper tantrums got progressively more violent. Now, I have no relationship with my family but I find I still throw these tantrums toward my partner (who is never anything but attentive and caring). The other day I had an outburst and grabbed hold of the car wheel from the passenger seat. I don't remember doing this. I "woke up" kneeling on the floor of the passenger side of the car and we had drove into a median. I don't understand why I could do something that I genuinely wouldn't mean to do in my right mind? Or how I could possibly have blacked out and lost all control of my body? Things usually start to blur when I am angry but this has never happened on such a level.
What if cutting back makes me not fun
Alcohol & Drug Addiction Support / by turquoiseGrapes5391
Last post
 June 12th, 2022
...See more I enjoy drinking on days off... the beach, shopping, the pool, out to eat... whatever. I also drink at night after work most days. I do take days where I don't drink at all but I am drinking about 6-10 drinks 4-5 days a week typically. Often even if I've had a fun day, I will wake up with my heart racing feeling anxiety for something I may have said or done. It often takes me awhile to even recall what TV show I watched that evening. But the real problem is maybe every 1-2 months I will be drinking and be triggered by something and unable to control my behavior. I have an outburst and say and do things I do not mean, things I have no memory of later and be mortified and confused. I know alcohol doesn't cause this anger but it prevents me from being able to control it. I have damaged relationships with those I truly love. But I am afraid to cut back on drinking for fear that if I don't continue to drink during these day off activities I will no longer be seen as fun and people will not want to be around me as much.
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