Help me with my wife!
I spent the last 2 1/2 years on a work project, 10+ hours a day, 6+ days a week, with no days off but Sundays. I am the sole provider for our entire livelihood, and I put my work first & foremost, above all else, especially all my wife's needs.
The individual I worked for was a total narcissist, and a complete sociopath (the very definitions), and I went from the most positive and cheerful person, to struggling just to heal every day. I was very little fun to be around, no use to her before work because I was getting ready, no use to her after work because I was physically and mentally and emotionally exhausted from his brutality, and my day off was me trying to recover and rejuvenate first, and quality time with her second.
She became so unhappy. She felt completely alone. She was managing all the household, cleaning, and chores alone. None of her needs were being met, not physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually. When she told me she can't do it anymore, I woke up. I opened my eyes to see what I had done, who I had become, and how I was treating her (or rather wasn't). I immediately quit my job, and focusing entirely on her (with the exception of trying to find more work).
I am putting her first & foremost again, and now I am committed to rebuilding, but she has been sooo unhappy for sooo long. She has huge resentment in her heart, she is overly critical of everything I say and do, she is uber-sensitive to the slightest bit of adversity, she is extremely defensive about everything, she is confrontational, skeptical, cynical, pessimistic, and negative (and can you blame her), and she has given up on trying to tell me what she needs because she has been doing so for the past 2 1/2 years, and it went in one ear and out the other, so there is very little sharing of her feeling, emotions, wants or desires now. She reacts to everything with sarcastic remarks and curt comments, which is how I know she's still harboring all the aforementioned issues.
I NEED HELP! I need real-world, practical advice on specific steps I can take to bring back her joy in our relationship, her trust in me, her calm and her peace of mind in general, her optimism and positivity. How do I overcome her resentment? How do I gain her trust again? How can I satisfy her needs if I'm not sure what to do? How can I not make her feel so defensive? How can I stop her constant criticism? How can I make her happy again?
(...side note) We have been married for 16 years. Our love is so much stronger than this, we both agree. We are still completely in love with each other. She is not thinking about leaving me, or wanting a divorce in any way, shape, or form. She just misses me and wants her husband, partner, and lover back. We have a beautiful life together, and a beautiful home. She has an amazing side business that fulfills her completely. She's an artist, a medium, a reiki master, and a spiritual healer. Thank god for that because it is what has kept her occupied while I had my priorities all wrong!
@betrue21self You mentioned that you wasted two and a half year of your marriage because of your vampiric job and a toxic boss. But you didn't say how long it has been since the things were back to normal.
Maybe your wife needs some time to re-adjust? Maybe she is not yet believing the change in you? Or maybe it's a kind of a well-deserved "woman's quiet revenge", and you should take it like a man? Have you tried to look at the problem from such points of view?
On the photo you seem to make a beautiful couple 😊 Congratulations on so many years together! It is valuable. Have you tried just an open-hearted, sincere talk about your and your wife's needs, expectations or current attitudes?
@betrue21self
Do you feel you both need to create some distance from the past 2 1/2 years of living which was bad for you? Perhaps you could try seeing things in a different perspective or a broader perspective by putting some (physical) distance between the present and the past.
@belami2024tneres only one person who thinks the past it’s my dad it was abused by his mother . I try to distance myself always from past I can’t go back ever kn choosing not to be in a romantic relationship because of trauma I had a lot going on in the past as well as my future my dad is my main problem he makes it worse it’s his behavior verbal mental emotional abuse he’s older he gets angry personally he doesn’t listen change understand behave
Hey.
So I'm going to say a few things that might seem a bit off and odd at first. Bear with me.
Her huge resentment is valid. But it's also hers that she's been carrying around. Your responsibility here is to do as you have been consistently. Show the change. Make amends. Do right on your end. Stay consistent. Commit to that process.
Her healing is partly her responsibility. Partly. She has to do the work to heal her resentment, even if it's entirely justified and understandable. It plays out in her behavior, as you've noted. I've BEEN sort of where she is, in that resentment trap, and when I tell you, no matter what anyone else changed or did differently, I still wasn't happy... because I hadn't taken the time to address, process, and deal with the resentment at its roots. I, too, had given up speaking on what I needed, because I'd be left with disappointment and heartbreak when it didn't get met or didn't happen. Not everyone is the same, and not knowing her personally, I can only speak from certain aspects of my own perspective.
The only thing you can really do, my dude, is be super consistent, patient, and committed to the process of trying to mend that bond as she deals with her resentment, hurt, and pain she's got to process and understand.
"How can I make". Simply put, you can't. That isn't within your control. She must overcome her resentment. You gain her trust by being consistent, but she has to be willing to re-establish that trust in the first place. (That's an extremely difficult struggle. It can be done on her end, it's just difficult and hard, so patience is required, it might take twice as long to heal it as it did to break it.) You have to understand what is within your control and what isn't. What you do, say, and act upon is within your control. What she does, says, and acts upon is not within your control.
She has to communicate most of her needs in order for you to satisfy them. Figuring out which needs she needs to meet herself and which needs you help meet are really individual and unique to each relationship. You can't make her feel not defensive, but you can introduce certain kinds of communication (such as "I" statements, like "I feel x when y"). You cannot stop her constant criticism. That's not within your control. That is her behavior, and therefore within her control. It sounds a lot like some kind of coping mechanism to deal with the hurt she's carrying around. I've used that as a maladaptive coping mechanism in the past. Many around me have, as well.
Remember the things she communicated to you in the past that contributed to her feeling loved, safe, and valued and cherished, and perhaps slowly reintroduce those things, carefully. Take things one day at a time, one situation at a time. You sound really empathetic, and that's going for you. She's hurt. Wounds take time to heal... they need to be dressed, medicine applied, and tended to with comparison and care, especially by the person who is wounded. She must also participate in the healing of her wounds.
I would let go of the idea of making her happy. Perhaps a way to reframe that would be to consider how you might contribute to her happiness and well-being? One person cannot "make" another person happy... they can meet in the middle, though.
You've already taken steps forward in healing your marriage, e.g. quitting that job, taking steps to be consistent, present, and available to her. Time heals where actions can't, sometimes. It can feel like things need fixing right away, but you sound like you're already doing the most of what you can.
Take time to have compassion on yourself and forgive yourself. This is extremely important. Nourish that part of yourself so you can meet her in love, and not guilt or shame. Feel those things, but allow them to teach you and instruct you in wisdom, and then allow them to pass. Don't beat yourself up or sit in the guilt too long. Make sure you're caring for yourself, too.
@betrue21self
Your post started with the explanation of what you went thru ... feeling all that pressure being the main income and dealing with bad work situation. Did you include her while this was happening and discuss changing careers/ what that means to finances and plans etc........or did you wait until it reached a point and just quit the job?
I will speak as a person closer to your wife's position.
My spouse also threw himself into work without regard in many ways disregarded my feelings on whole thing and once he left a job he said was killing him mentally/ physically etc he thought all would be good ....
It wasn't good ....... because I grew tired of the bad job stories ( excuses). He tries to pick up and do things i asked to do years ago but that ship had sailed. I did those things Myself or with friends... now he is making me feel like how / why did you do all this without him?
Because his JOB was first and i was lucky if i was second ....and I feel it can happen again.. so I no longer trust efforts to put me first even for short times.
I see you have figured that out but damage was done and it does not snap back like it never happened.
You look beautiful together. I am a baby compared to you both and don’t think I can answer very well, but one thing that stood out to me which you wrote in your post was about her complaining. I wonder what a therapists (male or female) would think about trying to “stop” her from complaining. I can see how you view it as destructive for her. I think it’s a human response to try to come to someone’s aid if they are complaining. Maybe there is a technique you can work on with her so she can both be herself and you can feel safe and more comfortable in the relationship with her. I can tell how much you care about this person and I wish you all the best. I really hope there is a good professional who has some workable ideas because you really care and try to do the right thing. Good luck with things together. I can see how much you want to heal and grow together with her and I think that is personally amazing.
@diplomaticWater8954
I agree, couple's therapy could work, if it's not too late. In my case, it was too late and hence a divorce.
Buy her flowers
Take her out to her favourite place
Go out on dates
Express often That you love her
Appreciate her often ( let it be genuine)
Firstly, that's a nice picture!!! I think she has a lot of anger in her coz of the things that were in the past. She has to let go of everything that is troubling her and the best way for that to happen is that you listen to her actively by responding to her in a positive and friendly way.
Hello there!
First of all, I'm sorry you went through an abusive and toxic job, with the worse kind of boss IMO, causing so much distress for you and your wife.
So, one thing I think is important in that situation is you forgiving yourself. The situation may have caused a lot of pain for both of you, yet you were doing your best at the time. It's not easy to see and quit any type of abusive relationship, especially work since we, unfortunately, need money at some form to live in this society. The critical part is that you recognize the issue and took initiative to fix it. You're working on making things right. It may take a while, but you'll get there. You're doing your part, that's important. After you forgive yourself you'll have more energy, thought and time to help your wife to do the same. Otherwise you'll may be constantly beating yourself, using the time to feed negative thoughts about yourself and the situation itself, instead of just focusing on the solution.
The next step would be communication and understanding, for both of you. I'm sure your wife is in so much pain she can't help stop feeling all these negative emotions she couldn't fight by herself after these years. It's hard. You know that, and you understand her side, so you respect her personal space, yet trying to bring her back. That's amazing. In addition to that, everytime she gets defensive, remember her that you acknowledge her pain, you feel bad for what happened but you're actively trying your best now to keep taking care of her and making amends. What's probably happening is that she had so much heartache and maybe also heartbroken that she's worry to be hurt again, because she felt that way constantly for the past two and a half years, so you need to show her that your fixing the path and that is safe to walk on that path. Explain to her how was your mindset during that time, the hardships you endured with your boss, what happened to make you see how much you hurt her and what you did to make it right, to get to the point you're now. Share your plans, your feelings and you're sorry. It's not giving excuses and asking for passes. Go for facts, you pain source, it's effects, and now your solution phase. It's about the history, not excuses.
Everytime after you try to show her is safe again, it's up to her to also understand and emphasize with you. Absorb the situation and let her guard down to trust you. That part is entirely up to her and there's nothing more you can do to make her accept your redemption, remember that. It's not your fault of you fail, she needs to be open. Hopefully she will eventually understand, forgive you and also give you support for what happened and what is yet to come. She has to be open and whiling to make amends as well. If she's too afraid but just a little whiling, it will take time but you'll get there, so keep showing her it's safe.
I don't want you to think that is all your fault and you have to do it all by yourself. No. Relationship is not like that. It's not accountable for one side only. It's healthy for her to understand and support you, especially when hurts her (in a personal note, I know how hard it is to do that but the outcome is very worth it). This relationship is not about only her to feel safe, cared and loved. Should be for both of you.
I hope you guys sail through this storm together, with more love than ever!
Best wishes,
SaddyMary. 🌻
It's a little bit, every day.
When one person does something wrong/bad to another, the wrongdoer apologizes, and can move on. Wants to move on immediately. But the wounded person can't do the same thing. They're hurt, and hurt takes time to heal, whether it's a big hurt or a small hurt. But big hurts take a lot longer.
It takes a little bit, every day. Show up for her every day. Be consistent in your actions every day. Don't expect her to be "Ready" immediately. Each action you take will add to her bucket of trust. Right now that bucket is massive and 99% empty.
Patience. Understand she's hurt. Don't get upset when she doesn't seem like she'll ever forgive you. She wants to, but she needs to protect herself because she's scared that this is temporary. That all this good stuff isn't going to last. And that's a very scary thing. So, she's keeping her walls up. She's staying outwardly mad - because she has to protect herself because she has been so wounded.
Do you see a therapist in real life? Does she? Do you want to both go together?
Ask her out on a date. What did you do for her when you first me? How did you court her? Start with that. It's a new part of your relationship - so make it new. Make it better.
@betrue21self I think you need to accept its been years of you being one way, and its going to take years to undo that and build that trust again. The fact that you can see and admit to your influence in the situation is a big thing, as many stay in denial. So make the changes, be consistent, and dont talk about changing, show the change.
Good Luck!