Exhausting with my Son

@bestEast2648 is there any particular reason why he resists what you say or do?

It is exhausting for sure walking on eggshells with people :(

@Optimisticempath I am a teenager myself and I think I can share a few of my experiences to see if it could help, so Im kind of the same, I would sometimes oppose my parents' words, but going through it I think its the communication problem that is really the thing, As a teenager I am growing up and starting to form some sort of decisions on things that my parents usually decided, while these may not be the most wise decisions, I believed they were correct and opposed anything else, I would say to give him/her some space to think and to reflect, and I hope everything works out!!

We have many similarities. He is the 4th of 4 boys and I am the 4th of four girls. Maybe that’s what it is more about then I want to admit….We are a lot alike. He got frustrated that I texted him last evening after I had taken them supper and asked if my niece was still there visiting them. My Son & his wife just had a baby 2 weeks ago and I know they didn’t like people visiting long so I was basically just checking in on them since my niece was there when we got there and was there when we left. My Son said we like my cousin and this is my house. I thought oh nooooo I was just checking in to be sure she wasn’t over staying. I apologized to him. I feel no matter what I say or do I have to be so careful with every word. He got upset about me saying that it will be cute someday that the 3 of his (meaning the new baby) girl cousins will be playing and telling him what to do. My Son immediately said we his parents will be the only ones telling him what to do. My other Son defended me saying in the group text that Mom didn’t mean it in a bad way. I appreciated him coming to my defense and helping me. I was told before we went to the lake not to say anything about his wife getting on the wave runner pregnant. She was 8 months at the time sooooo I didn’t say a word. Well, my Son picks on me about her riding and I am like what? You told me not to bring it up but you can joke about it? I am getting to the point of just not saying anything because I will be told what I said wrong. It’s exhausting. Thanks for replying. It is tough. I have 4 Sons and 3 Daughter in-laws. I work VERY hard to make DIL/MIL relationship work and it does BUT I am the one to make it work. Also, I have had a challenge with my MIL so I have learned what to do & not do, what to say and not say to my DIL’s. Been a journey for sure.

Thanks.

Hi @bestEast2648, I'm a (single) parent but also estranged from my own parents. So, I'll give perspective from both sides...though my case is a bit different, since my son is still a toddler/closer to grade school age and my parents were abusive (verbally from both parents and physically, and SA from mother...)

My son went through a traumatic event this year, where he was separated from myself and his alcoholic father(who turnt his life around, is now sober). He gets frustrated easily, and either hurts himself or he hurts me by hitting me in the face or pulling my hair or throws my stuff around. He sometimes screams and yells, doesn't listen. He's upset when he can't articulate his words or feelings well. Sometimes I do get upset and irritated with him. There are days I wish I could scream out of anger and frustration...But I stop myself.

My son can't help feeling this way after experiencing such a difficult year. Plus, it could be that he's simply tired and hasn't napped yet, is hungry, or needs a diaper change, but has difficulty expressing that. He's bilingual, but goes to speech therapy, because he is a little behind, but they told me the older he gets, hell catch up and be ahead of other kids. Furthermore, I took some parenting classes and learnt better ways of discipline, and gave my son more attention -- more in the moment instead of on the phone...now...if he was an adult, and treats me similar? I would question if I did something wrong in raising him or if I hurt him badly. My parents NEVER listened to me, and NEVER apologized for any wrong doing and NEVER tried to understand me. I want to be there for my son, and do the best I can. If he requests space away from me when he's older, I'll respect that.

Really, I think the best thing to do is ask your son "what's going on?". And even if he does say something rude to you, I would try and listen with an open mind. It'll hurt, it'll sting, but sometimes it may be something we need to hear. My brothers are quite blunt and harsh whenever I blunder or make a mistake, at first, it makes me ANGRY, but I stop to think about if it's true. If it's true, I apologize to them and try to improve my ways. If it's not... I try to explain what's going on in my life or I'll just wave their criticism off, they might just be having a bad day. Us siblings never really hold grudges, we just let go, usually within a couple hours or the next day...

BUT I do not know your son...as long as he is not being (verbally/mentally) abusive [ex. "You're an idiot!" , "You're lazy, you're blah blah blah"] then I'd try to consider what he tells you and see if you guys are able to mend your relationship.

It's funny you mention that you and your son are similar, it could also be a personality clash, where both of you are not patient with the other person, despite being similar. Maybe there are some traits you both have, but are irritated by? My dad was mischievous and ornery as a lad, my younger brother is like that right now, always in trouble. My old man yells at him to stop getting into trouble, but that's moreso because he wants to make sure my younger brother doesn't even up in the same trouble as my father... So, maybe you're both frustrated with each other, based on similar traits you guys have, and take it out on one another?

Maybe, you can schedule some one-on-one time to spend with your son, to really connect with him and see if things are going alright in his life. Having a new baby can be stressful, maybe that's why he's lashing out on you? Maybe he's working more hours at work or works in a toxic environment or maybe he's having issues with other friends/family.

I would just talk to your son, and see if he's okay. Ask him if there's something bothering him and let him know you're always there to listen, with no judgement. Let him vent or rant, only offer advice if he asks for it. I think he'd appreciate it a lot.

I hope things work out for you and your son's relationship.

Thanks so much for listening. I appreciate your comments. I will work harder and listen. He works with my husband on our family farm. That can also add a lot of dynamics. I didn’t want him to come back after College because it is a hard life. His older 3 brothers don’t work on the farm. It adds a whole different dynamic with him being here and the others not. It will work out. God will continue to help me. Thanks again. Sometimes it helps just to have a place to vent. My husband listens but he is not female. Glad he’s not. Lol. I just like to talk about it over and over and get it out. Have a great day.

Bella

My Son is a grown man with a wife and a Son of his own. It is difficult to not be treated with more respect. I have to constantly be careful what I say and how I say it. I understand because I have had a challenging Mother in-law and I do not want to add any more stress to their lives. That is why I am trying to find a group of Mother’s with ONLY Sons and it seems very difficult to find that group. Maybe these women do not want to share since they are dealing with being so careful what they do and say.

Thanks for your words of advice. Take care and enjoy your little Son.