Complex relationship with father
I don't know how to put this, but basically, I'm pretty conflicted.
I want to reconcile wit my father, at least I want to make peace with myself on how he treated me and how I've felt hurt by him, now that I'm an adult and I have more awareness and maturity, and I'm responsible for myself, and I'm trying to know myself better.
I want to give myself the possibility to accept his love and to give him my love, maybe hug him and say I love you and spend more time with him to know him more, but at the same time, I want to make him suffer or to at least stay away from him, both emotionally and physically. Because I feel like he doesn't deserve my love nor my respect and I still hate him on some degree though I'm understanding.
I have 20 years of bottled up rage toward him. Even if I express it, and I expressed it a lot during the last years, it stays there anyway, maybe it fades a bit, but it never goes away completely and sometimes I don't even want it go away because it became a part of me.
I spit venom every time I try to talk to him about how I feel. And his replies never satisfy me anyway.
My father used to yell a lot when I was little, he raised his voice and made us kids scared of making mistakes and told us not to cry when he did this, or at least this is what I remember. My mother and father used to fight for every little thing. Surely this all hurt me, maybe it hurt me more than my two younger siblings, but I mean, it was okay. I have had a good childhood. My parents love me and provide for me, they are good people, no one abused me in any way. Yes they made mistakes, but everybody does, I don't expect them to be perfect, they did and still do their best. So why I feel this rage?
I feel like I'm not entitled to be this angry and I don't know how to let it go, I suppose it is a long process, it takes time.
Thank you to whoever will read this.