Complex relationship with father
I don't know how to put this, but basically, I'm pretty conflicted.
I want to reconcile wit my father, at least I want to make peace with myself on how he treated me and how I've felt hurt by him, now that I'm an adult and I have more awareness and maturity, and I'm responsible for myself, and I'm trying to know myself better.
I want to give myself the possibility to accept his love and to give him my love, maybe hug him and say I love you and spend more time with him to know him more, but at the same time, I want to make him suffer or to at least stay away from him, both emotionally and physically. Because I feel like he doesn't deserve my love nor my respect and I still hate him on some degree though I'm understanding.
I have 20 years of bottled up rage toward him. Even if I express it, and I expressed it a lot during the last years, it stays there anyway, maybe it fades a bit, but it never goes away completely and sometimes I don't even want it go away because it became a part of me.
I spit venom every time I try to talk to him about how I feel. And his replies never satisfy me anyway.
My father used to yell a lot when I was little, he raised his voice and made us kids scared of making mistakes and told us not to cry when he did this, or at least this is what I remember. My mother and father used to fight for every little thing. Surely this all hurt me, maybe it hurt me more than my two younger siblings, but I mean, it was okay. I have had a good childhood. My parents love me and provide for me, they are good people, no one abused me in any way. Yes they made mistakes, but everybody does, I don't expect them to be perfect, they did and still do their best. So why I feel this rage?
I feel like I'm not entitled to be this angry and I don't know how to let it go, I suppose it is a long process, it takes time.
Thank you to whoever will read this.
@Sonnenschein2000
I can understand how your emotions can be confused and conflicted when it comes to your relationship with your father. It sounds like it's been a complicated relationship for you as you were growing up. You feel how you feel. There's no condition of entitlement or not when it comes to how you feel. You mentioned, when you do talk with him, you're spitting venom. How would you feel about writing down how you feel? As you write, you might find the essence of what you want to tell him and what you want him to know about you and your thoughts about your relationship. Do you think it might be helpful to choose a time or a place to speak with him in a more relaxed setting next time you are face to face? Do you have friends and/or neutral family members to listen and support you? You mentioned it's hard to put away your feelings of anger and rage. Do you think you might benefit from talking to a therapist?
@PeaceLoveandPaws
Thank you for your reply! I apprecite it!
I'll try writing down how I feel and see if it works.
I already talked with my father two weeks ago, we talked with my psychologist, and it was good, but not enough I guess, in just an hour you cannot say all you want to say, but it's a start. Maybe I'll talk more with him in the next weeks.
And yes I'm seeing a therapist and I talked with her about all of this, I hape I'll be able to work on m feelings. And yes I have friends who support me and I talk with them sometimes.
@Sonnenschein2000
I'm glad to hear you have so much support around you. I agree, an hour isn't long enough to get your feelings out but, as you said, it will take time.
@PeaceLoveandPaws
Thank you! yes, sure, I'm just scared I won't ever be easier, it feels like I should be able to move on, I want to move on, but it's hard and I end up thinking I'm being childish and immature for it.
@Sonnenschein2000
I don't think your feelings are childish or immature. You feel the way you feel and what you feel is valid. Period. Attaching negative labels on your feelings could be making it harder for you to move forward. It's like kicking yourself down when you're already struggling. I applaud your efforts to move forward and the bravery it took to for you to open up.
I can relate. My mom wasn’t abusive per se, but she name called, told me to grow up when I was suicidal, and yelled at me for putting things away incorrectly or eating left overs. Once she even told me I wasn’t her golden child anymore after failing the first class due to tardies.
I’m 32 now and our relationship is much better at a distance. It’s my goal to be self sufficient so I’m not under her thumb. We get along, have phone calls, talk during family events, but I don’t like to keep her in my support system.
I would honestly recommend accepting that your dad is who he is and adjust for that. If you want to pursue more and make him a part of your support system then I would highly recommend putting family therapy down as the ultimatum. If he doesn’t want to the simply getting along may be the goal.
@Wencanan
Thank you for replying and sharing your story, I appreciate it.
I'm sorry to hear you mom treated you like that, at the same time I'm happy that now your relationship is much better!
Yes, I know, I have to accept things as they are, and make peace with them. I guess with time I'll be able to do it some day.
I don't know honestly, if I want to have him in my support system or not, I really don't know, we have never been that near emotionally, though I know he believes in me and loves me. When I say to him that his behaviors hurt me he just says that he is sorry for me, because I feel bad, like I'm just bad for no reason and not due to some specific behaviors he has. Like it's not his fault. I know, I know that I don't have to blame him and to point my finger at him and tell him it's his fault, but what else should I do? It's like he dismisses everything I feel, it's like everything he does is never wrong enough and so my reactions are always overdramatic and exaggerated. No wonder I end up dismissing myself.
@Sonnenschein2000
Hello! I can absolutely relate to your post in many ways.
Forgiving my parents it something that I struggle with. They did a lot of messed up things. If I go into it I’ll get upset.
I did try talking to both of them at the hurt I felt but they are very filled with pride and righteousness and they truly believe they did nothing wrong. So I didn’t really connect with them or feel like talking with them did anything for me.
I think talking to other people in my support system about my feelings helped. It alleviated the feelings a little bit. Deep down all I wanted was to feel cared about and heard and validated. When I got that satisfaction the feelings began to shift and heal in their own ways. I still struggle with it but in a different way.
Also, I guess for me, using everything as a strength and a positive. How has your dad being hard on you helped strengthen you? What do you have in your life as a result? Good grades? A great job? A loving spouse? A good work ethic? I am sure there’s some good to take out of it. So changing your rage into gratitude is the best suggestion I have.
@warmheartedPlace887
I'm sorry to know your parents didn't listen to you nor understand you, and didn't made it easy to have a dialogue, but at least I'm glad talking with a good support system helped you.
I know I have to shift my anger into something positive, but that's the hardest part, I really don't know how. Sometimes I manage, other times I don't, it depends. Even though I don't feel entitled to have all this rage because other people have it worse and all that stuff, still a part of me clinges to it and it's attached to it.
If now I have something good surely it's thanks to me and not to my father bad temper. I refuse to give him gratitude for his mistakes.
What I am scared of is that this anger might ruin me, and maybe it already ruined me, If I let this rage destroy myself I don't know how good that is.
@Sonnenschein2000
hmm I hear ya, I have been there.
I am not really there anymore though.
I don’t know exactly what helped me to change. The fragility of life, the understanding that even though parents are flawed they aren’t going to be around forever so you and I can either chose to accept them as is and try to have a relationship with them or hate them the rest of our lives.
I would not say have gratitude for his mistakes, more like have gratitude in your life because of what you have as a result of his mistakes. You can say yes he gets angry and it wasn’t right of him to treat me like that and I am hurt by that but because of his anger, I am a kinder more compassionate, more hard working, more ethical person. That’s how you turn a negative into a positive.
as far as letting your rage ruin you… well find a healthy outlet for it - create art, listen to music, join an activity like a specifically sport (because it lets you channel those feelings while simultaneously being focused on improving). For example, hiking or walking or kick boxing. I know it sounds like I am just listening hobbies but what I am trying to do is show you how you can find healthy ways to deal with your negative feelings and I think that is different for everyone. Find something you can lose yourself in that makes you feel so good that the hurt he gave you and the desire you have for him to be a better father fades away.