Anxiety begets Anxiety
Hello all, this is my first time posting. I honestly didn't know this place existed until I stumbled on it during a web search. That being said, I'll get right too it. I am married to a woman who has General Anxiety Disorder. I've met several people over the years that have GAD, but hers is one of the more severe cases. She regularly sees a therapist and is on medication. However, from what I've read, people with more severe cases either get clingy or they move into avoidance. In her case it is avoidance. She rarely talks with me. She doesn't love human contact and veers away from it. She doesn't want me to sleep in the same bed, or sit next to her on the couch. For the most part I have been able to cope. The real problem is that her anxiety symptoms seem a lot like someone who is emotionally disconnected, it is a red flag in the relationship, and so I just live my life with red flags blaring in my ears constantly. Recently, two of our close friends started having marital problems. I won't go into a lot of details, but my wife has been having a lot of conversations with the husband. In the end, my guess is that they will be able to fix their marriage, and my wife is truly only trying to help a friend. However, over the last two weeks, it is enough to send me over the top. I say this, because among all my other insecurities and red flags in the relationship, now I am dealing with her talking for long periods of time with another man who is having marital problems, all the while I barely get two words out of her. The other day I completely broke down, the anxiety got to me, I couldn't help it. When I looked to her for assurance and help, I got the cold shoulder, it's not her fault, my anxiety heightens her anxiety and she is barely hanging on. Anyway, my brain is whirling. I've been married to her for over 15 years, and for the first time, I think I am going to seek therapy. It's a hard pill for me to swallow, to realize I've reached this point. Being so new here I don't know what to expect, answer, don't answer, I just needed to say something, and I don't want to set her anxiety off in the process. Thanks for reading.
@happychipmunk
wow (amazed at your ability to cope as good as you are)... You are everything good behind the vows of "for better, for worse, in sickness and in health." I am totally behind you getting yourself some help. And hopefully, a trained therapist can help bridge a gap between the two of you to open up more communication. I suffer from anxiety, PTSD and depression. I've been therapized for years and I'm pretty good at handling my triggers and emotional downs now. I think I've learned a good set of emotional tools to use through the help I've gotten in the past. I know from experience how important it is to have someone to communicate with. I'm so glad you are here! Don't be afraid to tap into a listener now and then. It's all confidential. They are not pros, but they've had enough training to give you some good solid communication. Sincerely hope things get opened up for you soon. ❤️😊
@happychipmunk Just read your posts as I just joined last night. You are an amazing husband and a very kind hearted gentle soul. I was thinking to myself is this man for real? We’re all anonymous here so you have no agenda to pretend. Honestly, I’m sad for you for what you had to endure your entire marriage. I can’t imagine my spouse telling me the things your wife has told you.I would be heart broken and leave. It’s a dagger in the heart. You have every right to feel every kinds of emotions. It’s hard to comprehend or even accept. And even with her saying all that you’re still thinking about her well being and how to help her and keep her safe. You’re a saint of a man. You deserve the best. You deserve it all. I know you love your wife but she was honest with you about how she feels for you. Maybe she doesn’t have the guts to leave or she’s giving you the power to choose. For you to choose to leave or choose to accept how she feels and continue living together being unfulfilled.
I was married once. We were together for 9 years. Towards the last couple years I started to feel what your wife felt for you but not to the extent of not wanting to be around him. He just became annoying. I started to resent him and was quick to get upset with him. I married him thinking it would fix it but it didn’t it so I divorced him a month later. I loved him so much. He was my best friend. I left him so he could have what he deserved. Like you he was an amazing partner. That’s why it was hard to leave him, I was comfortable and he catered to me. But the codependency from both of us had to go. And it wasn’t fair to him at all.
If you choose to stay you know what your life will be like. You may not like it but at least it’s predictable and it gives you comfort in knowing that. If you leave, your kids wont be ruined. It would actually be beneficial for them to someday see their adults model what a healthy relationship look like. Don’t give your self anxiety thinking about dating. You will need to work on yourself first. If you really meant that your life revolved around your wife then you will need time for yourself. Make friends or rekindle friendships, find hobbies, truly find yourself. Dating will happen once you heal and know your boundaries.
You’ve gone through so much so it’s a good thing you’re in therapy. I hope you are getting the help and getting some insights to help you figure out what is the best decision to make for you.
Thank you all that reply here. I do appreciate it. It is a rough go. And while she is still gone on her trip, and really nothing new is emerging in terms of our relationship, I still sit here and stew in worry and anxiety.
Many of you have given a great amount of good advice. As I mentioned, I have been seeing a therapist, and I use the listeners during the off times. I am looking for a long-term listener, but haven't had luck quite yet, but I will find one that fits eventually.
I have now received the thought from several people that this feels like fiction, and I agree, it is hard to believe, and even harder to live out. However, I also wondered if I wasn't being biased, that is, sharing my side without hers. Below I will give some of her words on some of this. The conversation is around the first time we said, "I love you" to each other, well before we were engaged, at least a year before we were married.
"I truly DID believe I was in love at the time, so it wasn't a lie in the moment. I "felt" it, and it felt so real. But, after a few months, when those feelings started to dissipate, I panicked. I was left with two possibilities. 1. I wasn't really in love with you, and it was simply the excitement of infatuation. 2. There was something wrong with me, where this was going to happen with EVERY guy, no matter WHO I ended up with....
I went with the second possibility, because it was much easier for me to stomach, and saved a lot of people from pain. I could just accept that it was MY problem, and go on with our lives. If it's going to happen with EVERY guy, then I might as well stick with the great one I already have. Because, you were, and ARE, a great guy!
But, after years and years of introspection and self reflection, I've come to learn that there are many components to love, and they have to be present, in order for me to be truly in love with someone. Mainly, physical attraction, personality, sense of humor, intellect, and emotional/psychological connection. I'm sure love means different things to different people, and I'm sure everyone has their own set of "qualifications" to determine their love for someone. Maybe most people don't need all of those factors to line up..... But, I know now, that I do. "
As a maybe final, concluding comment, I will also let you in, if you care to know, that if she leaves me, the impact to my life will be much larger than you realize. In another post, I mentioned that I am a very religious person, I am, and in fact, I am a religious leader of sorts. I talked about this with my superior recently, if nothing else to see what happens. Basically, I could potentially lose my job, my house, insurance...etc. Assuming I don't lose all those things, depending on how my other superior views things, I could be banned from ever marrying again, so maybe dating isn't too much of an issue. The probability of either of those things happening is very small, maybe 30%, but that is not 0. What would be more likely, is that I would be asked to move somewhere else. If I would be allowed to stay, it would include a, 2-year, guided process for all those around me.
I love my wife, and I feel like I always will, if she leaves me, it will devastate me beyond my own capacity for understanding, even the idea of it has shaken me to my core. And now I am learning that it will impact me in other ways as well.
I had anxiety since I was a little kid. Before bed back then, I couldn't fall asleep because I felt anxious (at time I didn't know what it was) and my heart would beat the hell out of itself or skip a beat. I would also have chest pains & I couldn't stop thinking about dieing (I did not spell that right lol) Now, I get that feeling of anxiety when I overthink certain situation such as my health, future, current situation... And then there's feeling of being lost. Like my mind is full of thoughts and they need to be on its place but they are all over the place & they also need rest as much as I do. I don't know how to fix that yet but I do know I will. Anxiety I had as a little kid actually had a good side: I started reading before bed which is really good. Also wanna try delta8 as many resources like https://delta8questions.com/does-delta-8-help-with-anxiety/ say it works fine
Last night, was truly the first night in almost 3 weeks where my wife and I were both home and there was no one else like in-laws present. It was truly awkward. On the one hand, I finally get to see the true, "her" for the first time, on the other, it is weird. There's just nothing there, she is very cold and distant. She was always cold and distant, but now, and maybe my own context plays a roll, in fact I know it does, it just seems worse than ever. When we finally met yesterday, she walked right by me to tell the kids she loved them, it seemed very purposeful. Anyway, we have our first appointment on Friday, maybe she was just tired from the journey (not to mention, I am reading into everything).
My never-ending saga continues, and I am hopeful that some therapy will help us. We meet for therapy on Friday. My wife and I went on a walk last night. Outside of re-stating all that is written above, she did mention that she could possibly stay married to me, as long as I stay celibate, and never hug her, sit next to her, or what have you. I think that's progress...maybe. I am still curious if she had a childhood trauma of some kind. I keep asking her if this is something I have done, only to get the response that no, it has nothing to do with me.
That being said, she still wants to seek a person that she can connect with, which in her eyes is obviously not me. She sees the situation above as a compromise, that is, neither of us will get what we want, but we would stay married. I am hopeful that with therapy we can change that, and we can draw closer together. This compromise might work for a temporary fix, but I have lived long enough without human contact from the one person who should be willing to give me human contact. I really want my marriage to succeed but living a life without human contact will become a deal breaker if we can't overcome it.
Are you staying for 'the sake of the kids?' Because what they see is what they will live. What kind of lessons in life are they getting with this situation? Very good to see you are in therapy. Keep going. (And yes, human contact is very important for every human being. . . that's why solitary confinement has such a bad reputation in prisons).
@EmbStitcher33 my situation is complicated. If I were to stay, or actually if she would stay, we don't own the house and it is tied to me, it would be due to the absolute love that I have for her more than anything. However, there are other factors as well, my job is tied to all of this, as well as the kids' school and other such things. It will be a lot to process. As I said above however, I don't think I could live with a no contact relationship. I love this woman; I am attracted to this woman. How could I, having been with her all this time, and having been physical with her, albeit limited in scope, then just shut down and never be that way again. No, that would breed resentment and contempt, and that would be very damaging for the children and for me.
To say your situation is difficult, is an understatement. No one but you can decide what to do. It's hard to figure out what to say to encourage you, but know you're in my thoughts. I've read through most of what you've written. Reach out to a listener when ever you feel the need. I can at least send you a (((virtual hug))). Hope your therapy helps you too.
@EmbStitcher33 I appreciate your support. It is complicated to its core. I really never thought I would be here. I never in my wildest dreams thought that I would be dealing with this. And to boot, My emotional roller coaster. I think deep down I knew this kind of thing happened to others, but somehow imagined I would never face a complete mental breakdown, so it is hard to wrap my mind around it all. My therapist has been great, she has really challenged me to actually feel my feelings and not just sideline them. Which sucks, but it is good form me. My doctor put me on a medication, so eventually that might help even me out, but still, just the shock to my system that all of this has caused. I'm living in a soap opera; this doesn't feel like it could really be my life.
@happychipmunk
Just one thought about medication... I would encourage you to research what ever you have been put on to make sure that its doing exactly what you want it to do. Make sure you check out the side effects. You don't need to add anything to your situation. I'm glad your therapist is helping. Take care of you. I know sharing all this online must feel strange at times, but there are people who care and will at least listen to you. Complicated? Another understatement. You sound like a very strong person. I have confidence in you that you will figure this out, one way or the other. In the mean time, keep paddling.
@EmbStitcher33 yeah, I originally didn't think I would need medication, but after talking with my wife and therapist it was agreed. Once prescribed I talked with my therapist about it briefly, and she liked what they put me on. I'm only on day 4, it takes at least 14 days, if not 6 weeks to go into full effect, but I have already experienced some residual effects. Nothing too bad. The big concern of my therapist was that she wanted me to continue to experience the grief, again, she wants me to feel my emotions, so this one should, hopefully, do what we want it to do.
Sounds good. Very happy to see the conversation about medication is so open in your circle. Don't be afraid to reach out for help, even immediately if you ever feel like, 'something just doesn't feel right.' Looks like you're on a solid path. Not an easy one for sure, but you're doing what you have to do, with your eyes open.
The end of a saga, well maybe, probably. She confessed to having an affair with the married man. So many things make sense now. I'm pretty sure they are going to go away with each other. Yeah. Life is about to suck a lot.
@happychipmunk
This is the first time I read your posts. You are such an amazing person dedicated to your family.
You have been trying it all. Whatever this new chapter of your life brings... keep trying it all to be well and find happiness.
I hope you see how valuable you are and note all the people listening to you.
You are not alone. Take care.
@happychipmunk
Didn't you kind of think that was going on already? Well, you've got a new journey ahead of you. Don't wrap up your worth in her failure to be true to you. That was her problem. There's nothing more you could have done to change her mind. We can't do that anyway. It was her choice. Time to let go? Like the other person who just posted... so many people here care and are listening to you.
Time to be brave and start a new path? Time to look deep inside and find what else makes you happy and pursue that?
Only you know your process for dealing with this "saga" as you put it. Just know you are a precious soul and deserve to be happy. Go find what makes you happy.
You said that a lot of your life is tangled up with this relationship... Well, maybe this is the Universe saying that there's something less stifling out there for you. Don't use blinders going forward. The world is your oyster. Be it painful at first. But you are free to choose what makes you happy.
You are right, I suspected, but could never prove and so yes, I kinda knew but I hoped and prayed that it wasn't true.
I'll be honest and say it wasn't as upsetting as so many other things that happened this last month, I think because I kinda knew.
Today it was finally stated out loud. She will be divorcing me. Now the rest of the mess begins.
@happychipmunk
I hope you take this in the right way. The life you live with her is miserable. I wouldn't wish that kind of life on even my worst enemy. I could never live in a relationship where I couldn't depend on human touch. And that's just one thing.
The near future won't be easy, but it's opening up a door to a better life for you. Give it some time. Keep going to your therapist and working on yourself to get through this. And keep coming here. There's always someone here who will listen to you. Take care.
And do some day dreaming...what else could you do in life and be happy doing it?
@EmbStitcher33 you are correct, the life we were living was not right. Even my therapist has made this point. And now that it is official (we haven't filed yet, but it is coming) she will be moving out tomorrow. She is leaving everything. The kids are staying with me. She doesn't seem concerned at all about her things. She will pack a bag or two and be going. I have heard of situations like this, but never in a million years thought I would be experiencing it. She still wants to see the kids from time to time of course, she does love them, but right now she is only thinking of her and her future, possibly with the other man. To that effect, I guess I wish them well, I have been broken for over a month and yesterday's announcement awkwardly came as a relief, a relief to know it was over and there was nothing more I could do. It is still very sad, and I am definitely grieving. I don't know what will happen with my job, but my superior assured me that I would be ok, which was great comfort for me. He thinks they will give me a couple weeks off to figure some things out. My real stressor right now is the kids. We are going to tell them tomorrow afternoon, before she leaves, and I am not looking forward to the conversation and their reaction. I am pretty sure I will be crying most of the day. The therapist gave us some helpful advice on how to move forward with that discussion, but that does not make it easier.
The other stressor is that the explosion hasn't happened yet. The other spouse doesn't know yet, I gave the man the ultimatum of after his family vacation. They come home tomorrow, once that happens, that will be the other ball dropping. Right now, I have been able to contain the mess, but once she knows she will be very vocal. Being a semi-public figure, this is going to go off like an explosion. I'm not looking forward to that either.
@happychipmunk
Well, take a breath and move forward one moment at a time right now. This will all pass in time. It will be like walking through a fire (you said the explosion is about to happen). But you can insulate yourself with strong self-talk. And insulate your kids by letting them know that you both still love them very much, and nothing that's happening is their fault. (Kids sometimes take on this burden).
So glad to hear about your job being okay. You're not the one leaving. You're not the one who left this relationship in the cold a long time ago. Not trying to point fingers, but this is a fact. Stay kind, stay strong for the kids....lots of hugs in order there. You're on the way to a better, more happy life, for both you and your kids. They may even show some relief because kids can sense the tension between you two.
Sending hope and wishes for all the best things to happen for you and your whole family. 😊 ☀️ 🌈
I can say all this because I have been through the storm of divorce with children too. It's not easy. But you will live through it. 🌈
(((hugs)))
This will be my last post to this thread, anything more and it will just be me rambling with details. She has officially filed for divorce and now I wait for the court date in a couple months. She has not moved in with the other man, whose wife filed for divorce a week ago, but it will happen eventually I imagine. The married man told his wife that she never made him happy, but, my wife makes him happy. My wife has said pretty much the same to me in a manner of speaking. I've been told this will be a long process, but hopefully, it won't be too long, I'm just ready to move on in a way. This has been among the roughest two months of my life, and it blows my mind that just over two months ago, I thought my marriage was fine, needed some work, sure, but not in terrible shape. And now, I'm a single father (and will be legally in a couple months) while my wife runs off with another man. At least she plans to live semi-close by to still be with the kids, we did agree on a 50/50 split. Man, crazy. Thank you all for the support you have given me here over the last couple months, I can honestly say it was everything I needed during this crisis. God's Blessings to all of you.
@happychipmunk
Please don't go away. Don't leave us with a 'cliff-hanger' lol.
No one is judging you. We're here to support you all the way through. You don't have to post every day... just come back any time you need a little boost, or a listening ear.
Take care. ❤️
@EmbStitcher33 I know you aren't judging me, and I appreciate it. I just didn't want to turn this thread into a ramble session of me going through a divorce. I started this thread just over 2 months ago because I was having anxiety attacks fearing for my marriage, and now that she has officially filed for divorce it is kind of an end point of sorts. Definitely not the one I had hoped for, but the one I got anyway. Now I begin a new journey, I am trying to be as amicable as possible with her, but admit it is hard. It is hard knowing now that she walked on me in certain ways for years and years, to not continue to let her do so, it just feels normal and natural. And yet, I need to hold my own during this time. I also have to deal with the explosion that is happening in my life all around me, from work, to family, to friends, even at school where she taught, but resigned over the affair. My court date is in a couple months, maybe I can write how that goes after the fact. I just don't want to ramble on and on with endless details that no one cares about.
