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The unexpected after fight

Dwarfancy February 13th, 2019
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If you are still struggling with any ED please dont read, it may be discouraging for your healing progress. Healing is never not worth it. Kick your EDs ass loves !

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Its been almost a year since I came out of the hospital for anorexia. Every doctor told me that battling it while I was submerged by the illness was the hardest part, butting definitely wasnt to my mind.

ED are so vicious, and they still control my life today. I eat normally, but I still know the calories of each food, I still count how many calories I had in a day, I still want to do better than everyone in sport because I want to be the one that lost the most calories, all of this without punishing myself if I had too many calories or didnt do sport because I was tired.

I know that not everybody lives his after illness the same, but it just feels like I never see recovered people struggling like I do in a basic day to day life. The hardest part is definitely the guilt of not being sick anymore (for some odd reason) and the safety that I felt when I was recovering in the hospital, I just feel so endangered now that I am in the real world, its like someone poked my safety bubble. Am I the only one experiencing this a whole year after ? Am I doing something bad on journey to complete recovery ? I dont know anymore, I am lost. Feel free to share you recovery experiences in reply, Id love to learn what youve been through and if I am the only one living this :)

3
Dwarfancy OP February 13th, 2019
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@Dwarfancy (also I posted this somewhere else but dont know how to erase it so here I am posting it in the good section hehe)

carolinemary817 August 6th, 2019
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@Dwarfancy

EvilRegalsReadToo August 7th, 2019
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@Dwarfancy I have been in and out of recovery once. The first time I tried to recover, bc I wasn't eating at all, I was hospitalized but not in a ED center but a normal mental hospital. Anyhow I was there and I learned to eat again, little by little, but as soon as I was eating they kicked me out bc they thought I didn't need the help anymore.

So somehow I was recovered anyways, and I learned it little by little by myself and with little help from my therapist at the time. It was all good and I was recovered for like 1.5 years. I still wasn't eating lunch, but I didn't really count calories or anything and I didn't work out at all. But... then I decided I could weigh myself, and when I did my weight said that I weighted all too much. I was fat. And when I realized that, I was back to my ED.

And I have been there ever since. I can't recover, bc I can't get any help. And why do you ask? Bc I'm not skinny enough to have an ED, they say, and therefor I'm not sick enough. So I am working on getting skinny enough to get help, and in the journey to that I lost myself to my ED.

Point is: You should just be happy that they will offer you any help. Bc I can't get any. I just gotta get worse and worse, and hope that when I'm underweight I can have help.

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