Looking for an accountability friend
Hi everyone,
I am starting my recovery journey from anorexia.
I should eat more, but I find myself constantly restricting and saying "no" to adding what I should be adding on my plate.
In the last few days I really struggled with my energy levels and with my wellbeing in general, so I said to myself I must start doing something otherwise if I continue going down this path I don't know where I'm going to end...
So I had this idea. I would like to find an accountability friend. If it's someone who wants do do the same with me, maybe it would be better because we could help each other and "push" each other. But if you're not struggling with this, no problem, just please make sure you will not be triggered by any of this because I don't want my problems to become your problems.
Ok going back to my idea - sorry if I lost my trail of thoughts - I imagined like daily messages saying what we managed to eat, if we managed to reach the specific quantities indicated by the dieticians or not, if we allowed ourselves something extra, whatever. Each single step would be celebrated, and each single misstep would be understood and we would offer each others' kind words of encouragement for the following day.
Is there anyone here interested in something like this?
You could also send me some private messages to get to know each other and analyze a little bit better this idea, and then we can decide if we want to proceed or not.
Thank you, I wish you all a good day!
A little bit of an alarm.
Since finding the group, which has been helpful for accountability, I have been adding one small meal a day per dietician instructions. But whether it's the anorexia or OCD, I still weigh myself every day.
And I found that even after adding an extra meal, my weight has dropped by a pound. And I had a very large dinner. I never eat chicken. I ate chicken, we had pasta, and my wife made a Brussels sprouts with bacon dish, which is a favorite, but fatty, so you would think there would be plenty of calories.
I never would have expected to lose weight, rather than the opposite, which I was expecting to gain weight. It's only a pound, maybe it'll come back, but still a concern for today.
It's still early, breakfast has just ended.
Hi,
My dietician said it happens,
I haven’t experienced it, but she said sometimes our bodies realise there’s more fuel to burn and they start working more than usual (after being used to being in an energy saving mode).
So weight might drop.
I know it is difficult but please try not to think about your weight for a few days. If it will still drop, then check with your doctor. But otherwise I would give you body some time.
I know it might be my ED brain talking, but if you really want to focus on your weight, just use this morning’s information to your advantage. What I mean is: I ate more and lost weight, so I should keep eating more!
I am proud of you for what you did yesterday and for your courage. Keep up the good work!
Proud of you for adding in some meals and trying! Those meals subs delicious and healthy, fats included.
Your body probably appreciate the fuel and your mind/brain need calories as well. Additionally our bodies retain water in different ways which may be a reason for all the weight changes.
Try and focus on the great progress your making and know I'm cheering you on!
Accountability for Wednesday, July 17th
I started my day with a nice run (fast intervals) and then went through my day eating what I was supposed to eat.
But when dinner came, my brain started to tell me I was wrong and started to tell me I should use a little bit less carbs, way less fats… In the end I pushed myself and ate everything. But it wasn’t easy and I am not happy. I feel my strength is starting to fail after a few days of eating more, and I feel my ED brain is constantly trying to tell me I am getting fatter and fatter. It is getting more difficult to shut it down as I have been eating more and I know the scale has been moving up.
I hope I will be stronger tomorrow. Today I have been headstrong but not “convinced” about what I was doing.
@Turtleonmyledtarm
I'm really proud of you for sticking it out and eating all you were supposed to! Celebrate this small win, even if it doesn't feel right.
It's interesting how you say you feel your strength is starting to fail, as I would think it would be the opposite. In what ways do you see it failing? It sounds like you had a great run!
It will take time to "convince" yourself that it is appropriate to eat more so know that it's natural. How long would you say it has been since you have had your ED? For me roughly 10 years... So I try and tell myself it will take a long time to "rewire" my brain. But from all I have read it is definitely possible.
Keep being strong, doing your best, and have courage.
Sending love and patience your way
@Turtleonmyleftarm
I noticed that my previous post didn't have the right name mentioned 😅
You are doing so well! And thanks for sharing the phrase "ED Brain" I think that is something we all struggle with. Keep up the good personal work and leadership of our little group!
Thanks @Phoenix22k and @enigmaticOcean8813
I really appreciate your comments and how you’re cheering on me.
When I write I felt my strength was failing I didn’t mean it in terms of my body – you’re right, I had a great run.
I meant my mental strength. I see the weight increasing, I feel my belly is bigger than it was, I constantly have my mind telling me I am eating too much… And it’s piling up. So if on the first days I could eat more and tell myself “nothing’s going to happen”, now I eat more and immediately get waves of “you’re getting fatter by the minute” from my entire body.
So that’s why I said I feel I might be getting closer to giving up.
There’s
actually only one thing making me resist.
My personal trainer. He’s not a normal PT, he is actually a super highly
trained mix between a trainer and a post-surgery rehabilitator, plus he’s studying
physiotherapy to get even better in what he does. I started working with him a
year and a half ago, after I had my hip surgery.
I don’t even remember if I wrote you about my hip surgery… If not, it will be a good topic for another
time.
Anyway, when I met him I wasn’t able to do anything. He made me realize I could
actually do sports, I could actually run, I could actually get out of the idea
of myself being the chubby, clumsy 6 year old who was always the last one to be
chosen during gym classes at school.
He was the first one to realize there was something going on, and supported me
while I found the courage to ask for help. And he still cheers on me, and keeps
an eye on me.
And when I eat more, I try to think about it as more fuel to use when I train
with him, to show him I can do more – I can get better.
Yes, you can and will get better.
And by strength, I assumed you meant mental strength, not physical. You're meal reports sound like your intake is proper so I had been assuming that physically you were f doing ok. ED is one of those insidious things that are both physical and mental and we have to balance and work on both.
Keep going!
Yes you can! We all can.... Dare I say we will!
Ahhh yes, mental strength that makes more sense. I was responding post workout so had physical on my mind haha.
Just think of how far you've come since that age of 6. While there is still work to do, you have done an incredible amount for yourself and have shown that you are capable of being picked first!
Hope your day is still going well.
Accountability 7/17
I woke up feeling really good. A little extra sleep after appropriate meals was great. I don't know why I can't just remember this each day, that when I eat right, I sleep and wake much better. Instead sometimes I forget and have that late session like the other day and way up miserable.
Lunch and the afternoon went well. Did my extra little 10 minute cardio and stretching when I got home and this boosted my energy for a time. I just don't want to feel like I NEED this new routine. But I guess I'll take whatever works to fend off boredom and a binge.
Dinner went well but I had an extra portion besides feeling full. I kept it down, but I could feel the waves of "keep going". It was rough. The portion was "healthy" really just another bit of salad, but it was a trigger.
For today, I want to put down my dinner and recognize if I'm truly full and satisfied and not have an extra bit so I don't encourage binge thoughts.
Thanks for sharing your encouraging and great report! 💯
@Turtleonmyleftarm
Hi, I’m really happy for you to see how you are trying to become a better-self! I think just coming up with this kind of idea and having the courage to do it is already something great. I might not be the kind of friend you are looking for but I bet you will find that friend. Also for you to become a better you sooner, I guarantee you to think of a gift to give yourself after like a week eating usually. At last I wish you happy everyday!
Hi @magnoliahua,
Thank you
for your kind message!
I really appreciate it!
It’s a very
good idea planning on a little gift for the weekend if I “behaved”.
@Phoenix22k and @enigmaticOcean8813 what do you think?
Should we think about small gifts we should give ourselves for sticking with
our goals? From what I’ve read, you both already deserve it.
It could be an idea writing each other’ what we might gift ourselves and then
check if we actually did it. We could decide the gift on Monday, and then on Sunday
we’ll update each other on the results!
What do you think?
Yes, yes, I like the "gift" idea a lot. You are so creative, and again, showing great leadership.
Now I am going to have to think what mine would be.
I know I told all of you that I had been lying to my wife about my anorexia, well, yesterday, I finally told her the truth and made the appointment with my PCP that she and my neurosurgeon wanted me to make. I shared with her some articles about male anorexia, as well. That is my victory for the week. Now I have to pick a gift!!!
I like the gift idea as well! For me though it wouldn't be food related. I want to see the new Deadpool movie next week so maybe I'll hold off on my gift until it comes out next weekend and use that as my motivation.
I have a regular day off tomorrow so that is a gift in itself!
@enigm
@Phoenix22k
This is such a good idea!
I will keep it for myself too for next week, as here in Italy Deadpool will come out in cinemas later on.
I think I might buy myself a new pair of shoes, something summery and fresh.
But let's see if I deserve it, since yesterday I reduced my portions a little bit... If I get back on track, I think new shoes will be my gift!
@enigmaticOcean8813
You've taken a huge step in telling your wife of your challenge and I'm proud of you!
If you're like me, it likely feels like a huge weight has been lifted off your chest. Keep trying and know you are not alone.
Also, not that it matters, but are you a male? The only reason I ask is because I am and know that ED's are typically stereotyped with females and makes it hard for me to relate to other guys about the topic. It's not something that is often thought of with guys, but definitely is out there.
Yes, @Phoenix22k, I am male and I am aware of the stereotyping. What I think we both know is that a full 25% of anorexics are male - not a percentage to be neglected or ignored.
The challenge for me right now is that I am in the middle of a move. I recently retired and my wife wants to return to her hometown where she still has siblings and extended family. Our daughter is not far away. My care team is here PCP, GI, Neurologist, Neurosurgeon, Neuropsychologist -and would be 8 hours away. It is stressing me out and the outlet, of course, is poor eating hygiene.
I have been battling with weight control issues since wrestling in high school and college. Sports like that is a risk factor for all.
@enigmaticOcean8813
I'm sorry to hear about the stress and how it's impacting your diet. You seemed to have found a decent support team and you may be leaving that. I would be hopeful that if you do move you will find another supportive group.
Know that we're all here in whatever capacity we can provide.
Also, it means a lot to know about another guy out there struggling with diet and being honest about it. Thanks for the reminder that I'm not alone.
Oh and certainly no disrespect for all the women as well!
We can all help lift one another up and try to do better each day.
Yes, you are right, @Phoenix22k. No disrespect intended towards the women in our group or those struggling with ED. Just an acknowledgement that men can face the same challenges too.
@enigmaticOcean8813
Hi Ocean,
I am so proud of you for finally letting this out and sharing it with your wife.
It is a real injustice that certain problems are not considered, or are more likely to go unnoticed, because they are experienced by a man rather than a woman. There is not one gender affected by ED, just as there is no one way of experiencing it, or one type of physical appearance associated with people with ED. And the fact that we do not fit society's stereotypes does not make our suffering any less valid or important than anyone else's.
I understand that it is difficult to break away from the doctors who have followed you up until now. But can I ask you if you really get on well with them, or is it just a matter of habit or not wanting to talk about your ED with someone you don't know? Because I was thinking that maybe that could be a good thing. It would be new specialists who don't know you and with whom you could start from scratch - without preconceptions, without them knowing what you've done (and not done) before. When you think about it, what is the most frightening thing about this change?
There has been some real freedom in being honest with myself and my wife about ED. Yes, a real burden lifted from my shoulders
My story is more complicated than just ED. I have an extended metro team because I had a tumor j inside my spinal cord - not my spine, not the bone, but the spinal cord itself. I had 2 surgeries, I to s remove it and à second, 3 years later to fix complications. I also had 1 head injuries along the way, I have 2 hip replacements and a shoulder replacement, I have other mental health issues, but they are now in renovation, according to the psych.
My balance sucks and I need mobility aids and swiping a keyboard is easier than typing. Too bad the 7 cups app really stinks and it's so prone to errors.
Sorry for not seeing this message sooner. Sometimes I don’t get the notifications, I am sorry!
I am sorry to hear about your extensive surgeries and health issues. I can understand all of this has taken a toll on you and on your family too. The fact that you can now be more open about your ed struggles I am sure will help you and will also get you and your wife closer together.
I keep reading the list of injuries and replacements and let me tell you, I am in awe at how strong you must be! You went through so much, and you keep fighting and overcoming new challenges. With this of finally confessing your anorexia being the most recent one.
How is it going today? Did you manage to eat? Did you ibs symptoms get better after yesterday?
Accountability 7/18
Had a rather good day. Ate all my meals reasonably, stopped when I thought it was appropriate. My triggers were not as powerful. Just confusing why some days they're like a hurricane and others not. To help curb by evening triggers, after dinner, decided to come here and type up my day. It was a good choice and a reminder that I'm not alone.
Tomorrow I will have off from teaching summer school. A nice break, but also means I'll have extra time to myself which may be a trigger. My goal is to remember the progress I have made and think about how I want to feel in the future.
@Phoenix22k
I'm really glad to hear you had a good day and managed your meals well. It's awesome that your triggers weren't as strong today. It's definitely confusing why some days are tougher than others, but what's important is you're finding ways to cope. And I am particularly happy that this accountability group is becoming a useful strategy for both of us.
Enjoy your day off tomorrow! It's great that you're aware it might be a bit challenging with extra time on your hands. Just keep focusing on the progress you've made and how you want to feel moving forward. Remember, I'm here for you anytime you need to talk. You've got this!
Accountability for Thursday, July 18th
Started my day with a little training session (arms and shoulders, since my legs were a little sore from Tuesday's gym session plus yesterday's run).
For lunch my husband was home and insisted on cooking for both of us. Because I find it so hard to trust, I only agree to this once in a thousand years. Even if I tell him the exact quantities and he tells me to respect them, I know he would never be as precise as I am. For me, if I should eat 50 grams of a food, I weigh it perfectly. 50. Or 49. But not 51! He's much more relaxed about these things than I am, so even though he assures me that he checks all the weights properly, it's really hard for me to trust him. Partly because I'm afraid he might try to squeeze out a few more grams because 'it's good for me'. Not that he's ever told me or seen him do it, it's all in my head. And I trust my husband.... My ED brain is playing tricks on me though!
Anyway, lunch was on him, and I agreed because he decided to play it a little bit lighter than our diets say, so I knew I already had something "less" that would keep my brain slightly less worried. But anyway I kept oil on my vegetables to the bare minimum.
Dinner was on me, and I reduced a little bit that too. Not much, not as I would do in the past, but you know the occasional gram here, twenty grams there...
All in all, I didn't reduce huge quantities of food. I think it was a positive day in any case. But I could feel my inner voice taking over more than in the last days.
I hope tomorrow I will be able to get back on track!
Nice start to your day! I think it's incredible that you had the courage to trust your husband with lunch. Even though it may not have felt "perfect" the small victory of giving it a chance and seeing it through is huge. I'm sure it meant a lot to your husband as well. Then having control over your dinner was a nice way to balance it out. Know that just these seemingly small things are huge. Just like running and working out it will take time.
I think you did a wonderful job at balancing trying new things and respecting your boundaries. Have a great day!
I have to agree with @Phoenix22k. I have come to learn that balance and trust are highly important for all of us, especially in recovery.
Accountability, 7/19
All told, a terrible day.
As you know we are planning a move and decided last night to visit a favorite restaurant for a 4 course wine pairing dinner, followed by breakfast this morning at a favorite haunt when we used to be on a motorcycle.
Too much food, all we all know the symptoms. It is awkward to say, but I spent as much time in the bathroom last night and today. Typically 1 hour after a meal, I am back in the bathroom because of constipation and IBS.
I'm pretty mad at my GI doctor. He always criticizes my weight loss (nearly 40lbs since I have been seeing him) but says I have IBS.
You would think he would make the connection, or stop threatening putting in a feeding tube.
I apologize for the awkward subject, but it is a reality of our lives.
Hey @enigmaticOcean8813
I'm sorry to hear about your how your day went. While it may be awkward sharing it with us is a big step. Just curious, but does your doctor know of your anorexia? Perhaps he would make more appropriate connections if he did, or if he does maybe it would be worth getting a second opinion. Perhaps if you do end up moving you'll find a more helpful one.
Do your best to shake off the day and try to have a better day tomorrow. I'm thinking of you and wishing you peace.
You are right, @Phoenix22k. The GI does not know about the anorexia, but I would have thought he might have made the connection himself. I am due to see him soon, so I will say something for sure.
And thanks for the good wishes. It means a lot to have found a community that cares
Certainly! And I understand not telling the GI. Worth exploring may be looking into delving into why you feel bad about eating. Is it a certain body image you are desiring? You also mentioned it is a stress/coping mechanism.
Just trying to give you some things to ponder and yes I, we, do care and are here for you in whatever way we can.
I am sorry for how your day went.
I understand how you feel after eating more than normal…
It really makes me sad that a doctor isn’t able to do a 1 + 1 = 2 and understand there are some underlying issues!
I experienced the same with my dietician, I was basically telling him all the standard anorexia symptoms and it was like I wasn’t telling him anything. I really hope that moving makes you meet better doctors and that they can help you…
Accountability 7/19
A rather pleasant day. Kept down all my meals and ate appropriately. Had some urges after lunch but just ended up scrolling through *** looking at silly videos for a time. The feelings eventually passed and I went on to do more productive things.
While I hardly ever post or use *** regularly, I do find that watching shorts of things I enjoy helps boost my mood. While it may not be the healthiest thing to do, at least it's not binge eating.
Feeling pretty good and hoping to keep a new streak going this weekend.
Good for you. I think that scrolling or watching videos in this manner is a healthy coping strategy and not always a bad thing. Consider the alternative, right?
Accountability for Friday, July 19
The day went well, it started with a 8 km run that gave me a good boost as I felt quite good and strong so it made me feel better about the facet that I am eating more.
For dinner my husband said he wanted to go out and eat pizza. I normally have to plan dinners out because I want to be in control of what I eat before and after, so I would have normally told him “no” but I accepted. Another thing I did differently, is my choice of pizza. It’s normally a mixed vegetables pizza without any cheese or other toppings. Yesterday I said f it and got a normal pizza with cheese on top. And when we got home I spent the night on the sofa watching tv instead of moving around as much as possible just to consume calories.
it has not been easy, I could feel my body fighting to digest such an extra meal, but kept telling myself what I did is normal for everyone else so I just had to wait until the feeling passed…
Awesome run! I'm glad that you had a good experience with that and recognize how your nutrition can help your performance. I encourage you to reflect on how despite making some difficult choices and eating more, that you are still excelling.
In my book, I consider your pizza a MAJOR WIN! Personally that would have ruined my day entirely and likely led to a binge, I commend your resolve and courage.
I'm hoping the feelings passed quickly, but also know they are persistent. Keep up the positive self talk and know that you're inspiring me and that I am proud of you.
Thank you for your comment! You have no idea how much your support is helping me ❤️
and I hope mine towards you can be even a fraction as good!
How was your day?
Here’s my accountability post for Saturday 20th
No sport for me today, except for a walk with my dogs. In the afternoon I even had a little nap, which is something I used to avoid as I thought I didn’t deserve and always replaced with moving around or doing sports.
For dinner I remained at home as I didn’t feel like eating out after yesterday’s pizza, while my husband went to a dinner at friends’ house. He covered up for me, saying I had another dinner already planned with colleagues. It makes me feel a little bit guilty but I love it that he understands…
@Turtleonmyleftarm
I'm glad you were able to get a nap and enjoy it! It has been refreshing reading about your journey as I also often feel guilty for just napping or "sitting". I think it's great also that your husband respects your decision. You are in the healing process and yesterday was a big win! In the end you are doing what is best for your health in the long run, perhaps thinking of it in this way may alleviate the guilt. You get to relax more with your pups!
Accountability 7/20
I had a nice day today, I have been feeling much better about myself and situation knowing that I'm not "alone" in my challenges. Know that when temptations arise I now think of my 7 cups friends.
Around lunch today... I was on my way to binge. BUT mid drive I said to myself, out loud, "I don't want this". I had a moment of clarity, made a U turn, came home and had a healthy lunch. This... Was a big moment. I noticed that I can change paths and decisions. It empowered me through the rest of the day.
Feeling good this evening and hoping you all experience a victory today no matter how small it may seem.
@Phoenix22k, hooray! great job today and it's good to think of our little group here. well done!!!
👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
You did such an amazing job today!!!
So proud of you for recognising the temptation and being able to say “no” anche change how your ed brain was making you behave.
I love how this group is becoming a real help for us, as we think about each other and use this accountability posts as a push to make some changes in our lives.
This post is making me so happy!!! Thanks @Phoenix22k keep up the good work!!!!
@enigmaticOcean8813
@Turtleonmyleftarm
Thank you guys! Hope your days go well today.
Also just a thought, should we make a new *main thread" maybe for each week. It might be easier to respond and find our messages then. I'm fine either way but since this is Turtle's great idea I will let them decide! 🙂
I think it would be an amazing idea! Yesterday I replied to a post from Ocean saying I was sorry I almost missed it. This thread is getting a little bit too long and there are sometimes replies “in the middle” and it gets easy to lose track of all of our posts
It would be nice if it posted them with the most recent on top. But sounds good!
