feelings about eatting trigger warning
we not sure were to put this
last week or so we been having issues with eating more not been this bad in a long time. so feeling shame over it in away.
we have eating disorder nos
as we at time over eat even binge eat but other times we like go without eating for hours and most the day at times. it bad for us as we diabetic. as we been having so low blood sugars.
but when we feeling like we did something bad, we starve self go without eating. it a form of self punishment in away. based on how parents withheld food as a child when they said we was bad. we know it not healthy too. but it like mental programing for us.
other times we binge eat due to like when we sneak food as a child that parents did not allow. as child we was very limited on things like candy, pop, chips so what most call junk food.
so we seem to either starve self or binge eat a lot of the time. feel bad we do this as we know should not. we should eat healthy and at least 3 times a day.
our blood sugar been as low as 54 and as high as 260 so it seem we bounce it a lot. we take insulin and few meds for the diabetic too.
not even sure why it got bad again just like last two days we not eat much food always been a issue for us. people think seem that only underweight people can have eating disorders. so we a lot of the time not seen and even called fat yes we over weight by a lot. but we been told that it can be due to the bouncing in eating.
we really not know that much about eating disorders and well things go along with type of eating disorder we have. been told it related to the abuse we been through from young age up.
we mostly not talk about the eating disorder as feel so bad that we have it and well we try to hide it from others.
@stormieandpaws
I'm really glad you posted. It is challenging to struggle with the many faces of eating disorders. Particularly when they our behaviors are rearing up and creating a bigger struggle than at other times. You are definitely not alone.
Your feelings are valid and the struggle you are having others can relate to here. Please post as you need to and want to.
@KristenHR
thank you many things are hard to talk about as related to years of abuse. but we been starting to feel again from years of being numb so feelings coming up even about why we struggle with eating issues. so thank again for the support and caring
@stormieandpaws
Abuse definitely causes a lot of challenges and complicates the eating disorders, and more so when food or lack of it was part of the abuse. I'm glad you are sharing.
@KristenHR
thank you it kinda scary sharing but we kinda right now feel if we not take risk to share allow others to support us we going to crash into things we use to do more and more. so better to share then to go back to all the bad coping skills that were very unhealthy today we did eat more then we been we treated our self to KFC so that was good
this weeks been hard and well our ED been acting up a lot. we have diabetic so the alarm been going off for low blood sugar a lot. when it does we do eat a little but it only so it stop going off. we been told just eat it not that hard. people who not have ED. they really not get it at all. they think it easy to just get over. many not see us as having ED due to we over weight. but what we have is kinda a mix of what most see ED as. we like this week starve self eat very little when we do eat. other things we over eat too. with the under eating we know it a form of self punishment we even know what it stem from. it was kinda programed into us from very young age. if we was seen as being bad. they would not allow us to eat dinner that night. this forms us into doing the same when we think we been bad. but it also attached to flashbacks and memories. that was main issue this week with the ED. we was having very bad flashbacks related to our kids being taken. also some of looking back with what we learned about parenting and how bad we missed up when we had our kids. 14th was our oldest birthday that what triggered us in this all.
so now we feel very bad about missing up and going into back things the ED. we learned when you have ED even when we been free of acting on it you still have it. this hard lesson to learn. yes it get better and one can go a long time without acting on the thoughts. but it always seem to be a battle within us.
the other part to our ED is we over eat or binge eat at times. we no longer when we do this make our self puke. so that has got way better. but we still have times we do deal with this part of our ED too. this also stem from our childhood. this more related to we thought if we got fat they not do the sexual abuse to us. also growing up when under age 7yr. we was not allowed to have candy, pop and junk food much it was a treat we got very limited. so we started sneaking them things and got them when out. think it the root of the binge eating as it unhealthy things like candy, pop, chips and other junk food. some say they do it when emotional as emotional eating. we not see what we do it for as that. due to we spent most of our life emotionally numb. it more for us about when we get that kind of stuff we eat it all fast. almost like we afraid it be taken from us.
so this is the type of eating disorder we have. at times we very ashamed about our eating or lack of eating. we do not talk about this offline much at all. truth is until we came to 7cups we did not talk about it other then with our online friends who have training in mental health things. we only have one of them left due to deaths and other things out of our control. so even with the one friend we do have that trained in mental health we really not talk to about this. she stopped working in like 1997 due to her JRA so we feel in away she out of date with a lot of mental health things. she say she not but we see things she say at times that are out of date. she been great to us over last 20 years, but we find at times it hard due to her mind set and beliefs on mental health stuff. so we glad we found 7cups. but still scared about what we opening up about here. but so far we got support not judgment.
