White knuckling it
Hi all. Hope I don’t post too much here. I have a restrictive purging disorder—meaning I restrict and purge without binging. I have not purged or had alcohol (which was an extension of my ED) for more than 2 weeks. And while I know that’s a good thing, the weight gain that’s happening is terrifying. I know all the facts—that after restricting the body doesn’t trust you and will “hoard” what you eat until it trusts you again. So the worst thing to do is to go back to restricting and purging. I know that in my head, but seeing the weight go up makes it difficult for me to want to keep doing the healthy and right thing. I am very close to a number on the scale that I said I would never be.
I need to get out of my house today for my own sanity. It scares me because going past fast food places, liquor stores, and into stores is a trigger. I’m afraid I will fall back into old habits, but I’m going crazy in my house right now. So I guess I just wanted to come on here and say to someone, I’m committing to not purging or drinking today. Even though I don’t know any of you IRL, just putting it out there helps hold me accountable. Appreciate everyone here. We can do this.
Hiya @mich765 you're allowed to share here as often as you like, no worries on how little or much we post on here!
I'm really proud of you for acknowledging your thoughts and allowing them a space, sharing with someone/ here can definitely help in keeping yourself accountable also!
Sending lots of strength and love your way as you continue pushing forward!💛
@mich765@mich765
You are not posting too much. This is exactly what we are here for, and what this community is here to post for.
How did you do yesterday? I'm glad you made the commitment to take care of you and to not purge or drink.
I hope today is a better day for you.
Days like you described is when I had to put the scales away for an extended period and only weighed when I went into the physician's office.
@KristenHR thanks for your support! I did ok. No drinking or purging. I went to my brother’s house for dinner. My cues are still off and my body is trying to work out how to send me hunger/fullness messages. I HATE to be full, which is usually a trigger for me to purge. I did get too full last night and was panicky, knowing that purging would make me feel better. But I was able to navigate through it. Basically came home, did what I needed to do to take care of my pets, and put myself to bed.
As far as the scale…ugh. I know it’s not good. You’re echoing what my therapist and dietician are saying. It’s so hard to let go of the control. But I am going to talk with my dietician about a blind scale that will send the info to her and I won’t see or know my weight. I’m THINKING about it, but not to the point yet where I’m willing to do it. It’s definitely a day at a time. But I’m grateful for each day I have under my belt.
@mich765
Congratulations on doing well yesterday and on finding a safe place to go!
I recently heard about the blind scale. I love the idea. I haven't really looked into it as I'm past that point now, but I should look into it just to understand better how it works and where it's available just for resources. Thanks for bringing that up.
I think that your thoughts of discussing it with your dietitian is a great idea and I hope you have a great discussion. Just remember, it is the one step at a time. You're doing it. That's the part to hold on to, good and difficult days, you are taking forward steps and working on your recovery!
@mich765
Just checking in on how you are doing.
@KristenHR how sweet—thank you! I’m doing ok. Still behaving myself and haven’t engaged in any behaviors but MAN IT FLIPPIN’ SUCKS. I’m just trying to get through every day so that I can go to bed and shut everything off. And then do it again the next day. I know it will get better over time, but right now? One star.
@mich765
I hear you on how much it sucks, but you are doing an awesome job, even if it doesn't feel like it! I'm so glad to hear you are continuing one day at a time, step by step. I'm cheering you on and sending you warm thoughts for continued wisdom and discernment on this journey.