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mich765
1,273 M Little Steps 4
PathStep 4 Compassion hearts132 Forum posts72 Forum upvotes98 Current upvotes98 Age GroupAdult Last activeJune, 2024 Member sinceJuly 8, 2023
Bio

Just another human trying to make it through this world.

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Back
Eating Disorder Support / by mich765
Last post
 June 24th
...See more Welp, I’m back. I took a break from here for a bit—not even really intentionally, I just stopped logging in. It’s difficult for me to see that I’m in the same place I was when I was here last. Even though I’ve met with my therapist and dietician regularly, I still battle beliefs about myself that I feel will never go away. I can stop purging (and I have) but I don’t have hope of stopping the self hatred. My entire life has been controlled by my hatred of my body, and I’m afraid that’s what the rest of my life will be too. Sorry. This isn’t very positive or uplifting, and I don’t want to make anyone here feel worse. I just needed to “enter back in” and be honest about where I’m at.
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Rate Your Depression
Depression Support / by mich765
Last post
 September 13th, 2023
...See more I think one of the hardest things about depression for me is that it’s all self reporting. When I go to my psychiatrist, she has me “rate” my depression on a scale from 1 to 10. I freaking hate that. I don’t know—am I a 6? A 7? What’s the dang difference? I'm going through a med change right now and I’m constantly like, “Am I more depressed? Less? Am I just thinking about it too much?” My fear is that I will not self report accurately, and then there will be a med change because of it. And then I will just be worse off. I wish they could just do a blood draw and see if you’re depressed and how much.
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Separating Myself from ED
Eating Disorder Support / by mich765
Last post
 September 6th, 2023
...See more Hi All. Sharing something I’ve been working on recently. My therapist will often say things like, “that’s your ED talking” or, “Your ED causes you to believe that.” I’ve never been good at separating myself from my disorder. I’ve always believed that I am the cause of everything bad in my life, and I alone make the choices that harm me. It had always felt to me that blaming my ED would mean not taking responsibility for my own actions and choices. Over the last week, I’ve tried to look at things from a different perspective. Taking the screaming ED voice out and looking at the quieter truths that are underneath it. For instance, I’ve been feeling really smothered by my care team, almost like I’m trapped in a corner and need to fight my way out. But if I stop listening to what my ED is saying, I am able to see that I am cared for and supported by my team, and they are in my side. I don’t know if this will be helpful for anyone else. Just something I’ve been thinking about. Be well!
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Exercise
Eating Disorder Support / by mich765
Last post
 August 21st, 2023
...See more I downloaded a couch to 5K app and started it. And then I got my *** handed to me by my therapist and dietician. They say that because I just recently stopped purging and restricting, that is seems like I’m trying to grab onto something else. They’re not wrong. Exercise in recovery is so freaking hard. On one hand I need to lose weight, I have high blood pressure and depression. Exercise helps with all that. But because those desires are also coupled with ED thinking, it makes it dangerous. My care team actually said that it’s not recommended to workout at the beginning of recovery at all. So now I get to the place where I sound like a petulant child…It’s not fair. It’s not fair that a person without an eating disorder can diet, exercise for weight loss, and track their calories and movement. It’s times like this I hate my brain. I’m fighting against the urge to say “F it” and just exercise anyway. With the hope that I can focus on the good things and not the ED thinking. But I may just be fooling myself.
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White knuckling it
Eating Disorder Support / by mich765
Last post
 August 9th, 2023
...See more Hi all. Hope I don’t post too much here. I have a restrictive purging disorder—meaning I restrict and purge without binging. I have not purged or had alcohol (which was an extension of my ED) for more than 2 weeks. And while I know that’s a good thing, the weight gain that’s happening is terrifying. I know all the facts—that after restricting the body doesn’t trust you and will “hoard” what you eat until it trusts you again. So the worst thing to do is to go back to restricting and purging. I know that in my head, but seeing the weight go up makes it difficult for me to want to keep doing the healthy and right thing. I am very close to a number on the scale that I said I would never be. I need to get out of my house today for my own sanity. It scares me because going past fast food places, liquor stores, and into stores is a trigger. I’m afraid I will fall back into old habits, but I’m going crazy in my house right now. So I guess I just wanted to come on here and say to someone, I’m committing to not purging or drinking today. Even though I don’t know any of you IRL, just putting it out there helps hold me accountable. Appreciate everyone here. We can do this.
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Do I Want It?
Depression Support / by mich765
Last post
 August 5th, 2023
...See more Hi all. Just seeing if anyone else can relate to this. I’ve been diagnosed with 2 types of depression. One is with me constantly and has been since I was a teen. The other is episodic, and these happen twice a year for about 3 months each. So half the year I’m depressed, and the other half of the year I’m REALLY depressed. I tell ppl that my depression gets depression lol. the thing is, I’m coming out of a depressive episode and starting to just feel “normal” depressed. And, I feel dumb saying this, but every time this happens I wish that I could just stay really depressed all the time instead of going up and down. I feel like it’s easier for me to know what to expect and how to cope with it, and whenever I start to feel better I just know it will end. It’s hard for me to enjoy it because I know another episode is coming. I feel bad even saying this because there are probably a lot of ppl here who would love 6 months of relief from deep depression and just be “normal” depressed. But if anyone relates to this, I’d love to hear your thoughts and how you manage this.
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Vent
Eating Disorder Support / by mich765
Last post
 July 29th, 2023
...See more Hi all! just need to vent a bit if that’s ok. I’ve been in a relapse for quite a while now. I work with an amazing therapist and dietician, and am beginning to work with a new psychiatrist for med management. She has a reputation of being wonderful at med management because she doesn’t chase symptoms and tries to find the least amount of medications that will work. My last psych kept piling on the meds, which I hated. Last week I purged the fewest amount of times I have in months, and I was feeling proud of myself. Then I had an appointment with the new psych and she wasn’t impressed. She said that I needed to stop purging altogether IMMEDIATELY. I’ve only met with her 3 times, but there’s always this underlying threat that she’ll terminate if I don’t do exactly what she tells me. I mean, if I could just stop cold turkey I would? I’m not doing this for fun. I wanted to tell her to grow her hair 10 inches IMMEDIATELY. I always walk away from our appointments feeling bad and guilty, and it takes both my dietician and therapist to pull me out of the shame ditch. Not really asking for anything. Just wanted to share with a group that would understand. Thanks for reading.
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Issues keep compiling
Alcohol & Drug Addiction Support / by mich765
Last post
 August 11th, 2023
...See more Hi all: I have an eating disorder, but never thought I had an issue with alcohol even though they are often co-occurring. I knew that when I drank it was way too much, but I thought that if I was only doing it on the weekends and not during the day, I was ok. I’m starting to meet with a new psychiatrist soon, and she said that I am not allowed to drink while we are adjusting medications because the results won’t be accurate. And she said that she would be doing surprise random drug tests, and will terminate our professional relationship if I am found to be drinking. Since she told me this, I’ve been drinking even more. Kind of like a “last meal” mentality. I’m realizing that I have a bigger dependence on alcohol than I thought, because the idea of not drinking scares me. I use it so much to numb out and quiet the eating disorder thoughts in my brain. I know I need to find new coping skills, but nothing compares to using alcohol. I hope this isn’t too much. I just wanted to put it out there to a community that hopefully understands.
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