Navigating Through Eating Disorder: My Personal Journey
This is probably my first time opening up about my eating disorder. I'm a 25-year-old student pursuing my degree in art therapy. Up until now, it's been close to 10 years of on-and-off abnormal eating behaviors and bingeing. I used to tell myself that I just lacked willpower or had bad habits, but the more I learn about the nuances and information related to psychology, the more I realize that it's so much more complicated than that.
I've made some notes of my eating behaviors and potential causes. Initially, I intended to keep it just for self-reference, but I thought maybe I should share it here too in the community in case it could be of some help for other people too. (Though I want to highlight that I'm not a licensed professionalist, the notes below are just my personal experiences/diagnoses as a psychology student.)
- Reasons: Gives me a sense of control: Growing up in an inconsistent childhood environment, I often felt powerless. Seeking control from various sources, my eating disorder became one of the means I utilized.
- Gives me a sense of intimacy: My attachment style falls between avoidant and disorganized, making it hard for me to be vulnerable and connect genuinely. Food became one of the biggest sources of solace and intimacy for me.
- Familiarity with shame: Growing up as an extreme introvert, I was familiar with feelings of shame. Part of me wants to experience it again and again, as it feels wrong not to and have a"normal life".
- Unresolved grief: Losing my mom at a young age left me with unresolved grief. I often feel hesitant to stop eating because it gives me a sense of comfort and safety, like I'm not ready to let go.
- Coping mechanism: I associate food with comfort due to instances in my childhood where I was given food to soothe my distress.
- Fawning/low self-esteem: My low self-worth stems from various sources, including parental and peer rejection. I placed too much emphasis on looks for validation and belonging, leading to extreme dieting and a focus on appearance.
Despite not having fully recovered from these behaviors, looking back, I realize I've come a long way in terms of mental health recovery. I still have faith and believe there's light at the end of the tunnel.
Feel free to comment or reach out to share your thoughts. Let's grow, learn, and feel better together:)
@healingRose9881
Hello Rose, lovely to meet you.😊
It takes a lot of strength to share about your struggles, and I'm super proud of you for opening up here, that too with such a noble intent to provide some comfort and remind people they aren't alone either.
Sending lots of love and strength your way. I hope more people can continue holding onto the hope of the bright light at the end of the tunnel as well.💗
@Sunisshiningandsoareyou
Thank you very much for your kind words and warm welcome - they mean a lot to me! I believe it will happen if we keep spreading hope and reminding each other of the fact. Sending you loads of love and positivity in return 💖
@HealingMoonlight
Indeed, and you're so welcome.🤗💗
@HealingMoonlight
Thank you for sharing this. I'm sure that many can relate and I appreciate that you are being open and vulnerable with what you've been through and have struggled with so that others can understand. It takes a lot of courage to share so openly and I want to thank you for that.
I wish you continued strength and recovery. I hope you will continue to post!
@KristenHR Thank you for taking the time to read and for your words of encouragement. I'd like to continue engaging with the community and offering support where I can. Wishing you all the best on your journey as well!
@HealingMoonlight
omg thanks so much for sharing this. i’ve been stuck in a restrict binge cycle for so long and im still tryna recover. it feels good to know that im not alone, so thank you😭🫶🏻
@notharinn Aw, you're so not alone in this! I believe the urge to control our diet could be quite common nowadays, but because it often comes with feelings of shame, people don't always open up about it. I just hope we can all be more compassionate with ourselves through this journey because it's not a reflection of personal failure; there are various factors at play, like biological and environmental. Have you been exploring coping strategies for these symptoms? I've been finding some progress with CBT myself.
@HealingMoonlight
aw thanks so much! well my parents still don’t know how serious this is and im so scared to open up to them. i feel like they won’t understand me, but reading ur message made me realise there r other ppl dealing with this too and maybe i can get help?
but my parents have never been open to therapy, and they often neglect mental health issues. so I don’t know who to ask for help, i really wanted to give cbt a try but im sure my parents won’t let me, considering im pretty young too. ik i need help because my ed is getting worse day by day and i don’t think i can deal with it all my own anymore
@notharinn I'm really glad to hear that my message resonated with you and made you feel less alone in your struggles. 💙💙💙 It's completely understandable that you might feel hesitant about discussing your situation with your parents, especially given their past attitudes towards mental health issues.
Have you tried seeking help elsewhere? You could consider reaching out to a trusted teacher, school counselor, or another adult in your life who may be able to provide support and guidance. I've also heard that there are therapists offer confidential services for minors, so you may be able to explore therapy options independently.
Feel free to make decisions that feel right for you, as long as you're getting the help and support you need. Remember, you're definitely not alone in this journey. You're always welcome to reach out to me or anyone else on 7 Cups if you ever feel like you need someone to talk to and just be heard. :)
@HealingMoonlight
aww stop that’s actually so sweet. I think i’ll try exploring some other ed support options like the ones u suggested. but thanks so much, it really means a lot to know there r ppl to support me😭🫶🏻
