Accountability thread 9/23 - 9/29
Hi everyone,
Welcome to the safe space where @Phoenix22k @enigmaticOcean8813 @orangeSpruce9113 @ClaraRoseDreamer and I share our journey together to overcome eating disorders.
Everyone is welcome to join and share their stories and thoughts.
Sending positive vibes and lots of love
9/26 Thursday
Hi everyone! Another day binge free however it was another day of overeating. I’m starting to notice that I’m using food to cope again as I feel pretty anxious/uncomfortable/on edge right now with college starting up again and just being away from home. I also haven’t gotten much exercise in for the past few days because of moving so that defeats isn’t helping my body image. I know I need to get back into a rhythm which @Phoenix22k is motivating me to do. I haven’t binged in so long so I really don’t want to break the streak but I can feel the same feelings I used to get before. I’m a bit scared :(
I am so happy to hear that you had another good day! But I understand it must be really nerve-wracking to go through this time in your life , and it's a good going ghat you are able to spot your emotions so well. You can use that skill to try and overcome your fear. I'm definitely not an expert , but from what you say , I think you are doing an amazing job.I have done a bit of overeating myself this morning, but I am going to try to not let it bother me somehow. You must also remember to be kind to yourself, and perhaps find something to enjoy that can distract you from this
Wishing you all the best , and may you have a wonderful day
@orangeSpruce9113
Hey Orange!
I really understand you. Dealing with all of these things at once can be super stressful. It’s already a huge achievement that you've stayed away from binge eating, so give yourself credit for what you're doing! Even though you're struggling with anxiety and the urge to use food to cope, it’s great that you're aware of what's going on. Maybe you could try taking small steps, like a short walk to feel more active, or finding something that helps you relax a bit? And if you ever feel like talking, we are all here for you. You're not alone in this!
@orangeSpruce9113
Hey Orange! I'm really proud of you for coming here and sharing your emotions. You have been doing an INCREDIBLE JOB. The fact that you are recognizing your situation and how you may be using food to cope is huge.
If you feel yourself about to slip, just think of all the great progress you have made. How good you have been feeling, the extra energy, the happiness and joy. (NOTE TO MYSELF).
Maybe opt for an extra protein shake instead if you are able. I remember you said you found those satisfying and a nice treat!
Sending you a hug and cheering for you! We are always here and you are an inspiration to me!
Hello everyone,
As promised, I read your messages yesterday, but I couldn’t find the time to write back. Sorry! Now I’ll catch up on everything, going back through the conversation and replying to everyone.
My day yesterday (Thursday the 26th) went… Well, all in all, it was okay, I think?
We left early to attend this industry trade show, so I had breakfast and packed an “emergency” snack bar in my bag. But in my mind, there was this constant battle between one part of me thinking, “If you eat the bar mid-morning, you’ll be less hungry at lunch and can eat less,” and the other part saying, “You’ll likely eat more than usual at lunch, and without knowing exactly how the food is prepared, how much oil and dressing is in it. Don’t eat the bar.”
In the end… I didn’t eat the bar. And looking back, I’m glad I didn’t (although I realize this is my ED brain talking) because the lunch was heavier than I expected. At lunch, it was me, the CEO of my company, and two colleagues. As soon as the food arrived, my CEO started commenting, “Do you think you’ll manage to eat it all?” and while I was eating, “I didn’t think you’d make it that far into the dish.”
His tone was light, playful, and in no way negative. In fact, it was almost positive, as he’s complimented me more than once in the past on how I’ve gotten in shape (obviously, he has no idea what’s behind it) and how I’ve become athletic. His comments were mostly directed towards the idea that I could afford to eat a lot because I’m fit and exercise a lot.
I know his intentions were positive, but I couldn’t help but think about how distorted people’s perceptions are (including my own, I admit) regarding others’ bodies. We don’t realize if someone is healthy or not because we tend to tie it so closely to their physical appearance. If a heavier person eats an entire plate of food, we think they shouldn’t and that they’re overeating, being greedy. But if a thinner person eats a whole plate, we look on with envy, and the comments are more playful and lighthearted.
Honestly, it was almost more painful to experience firsthand how differently I was treated before, when I was heavier, than the pain of receiving comments on what I was eating at the height of my anorexia. I remembered how hurtful those looks were from people who saw me as overweight and thought I shouldn’t be eating. I remembered how I was seen as different, ugly, or overlooked, just because my body didn’t fit what people considered right or attractive. And yet, the person inside that body is the same person inside this one.
To finish up my recap, after lunch, we headed back to the office. When I got off work, I went home and went for a run. Just 5 km to loosen up my muscles, which were sore from the previous day's workout, and to release some tension from the day. Then, dinner, a shower, and straight to bed.
While in bed, I reflected on my eating throughout the day, and all in all, even though lunch was heavier than I would have liked, I think I balanced things out pretty well with my other meals. Sure, I admit I didn’t have any carbs or fats at dinner (just protein and veggies), but if, as my dietician told me at our last appointment, what really matters is the overall daily or even weekly intake, and not to obsess over a single meal, then I think it was okay to handle it that way.
Sending you all a big hug and lots of positive vibes! I hope your days are nothing short of perfect...
@Turtleonmyleftarm
Sounds like an interesting day indeed! Foremost, I think that yes indeed you had a successful day with your eating, especially with ED brain in the background. You have become so much more flexible with your diet since we first started talking and also managing to balance things out! I like how you also went for your 5k run to clear your mind, no doubt you felt even better afterwards!
You bring up some excellent points about other people's perspectives. Sadly, we do live in a world of comparisons and judgements. I think that is something we are just hard-wired to do. The issue is that there is so much more to people than appearances. As you very well know, it is a struggle each day for us to make the right decisions and a battle. People see our "fit" outsides but have no idea the mental efforts and stress we are undergoing beyond the physical working out part. While comments like the CEO's probably seem harmless to them, they do not realize the damage they can cause.
I'm sorry for the emotions that it brought up for you but proud of you still and sending you a hug for all that you have accomplished and become. If anything, your journey now gives you a place where you can help others and be an inspiration. I keep telling myself that is the reason I am experiencing these challenges too, in order to improve myself and be a light to others.
@Turtleonmyleftarm
Proud of you for keeping up a positive mindset. Keep up the good work!
Friday 9/27
A really nice Friday! Workout and normal routine in the morning was good and I had a good-night sleep. Making that a priority moving forward as I have noticed just how important getting enough sleep is. I feel better in the morning, better workouts, better throughout the day, just happier overall. Something I know but in the throes of ED brain just throw out the window sometimes... but that was the past.
School went well. I did not have to teach today and we had meetings amongst teachers instead (in-service) which was productive. Lunch was provided for us, a thoughtful gesture, but I brought my own and nobody mentioned it or bothered me about it. In fact, another teacher brought hers as well and talked about how she is never satisfied with what is provided for us. She is also a health-conscious person, but I admire how open she was about it.
Came home to catch up here with you all and relax this evening. I am having second thoughts about doing the 15k run tomorrow. I'm definitely in shape for it, and not worried about obstacles ect. but the forecasted weather is not looking good. While it is a tough mudder and I expect to get muddy, it is also going to be in the low 50's, rainy, and wet. It's a 2 hour drive to get there. So I'm having some second thoughts about heading all that way. I am NOT a cold weather person 😝. While 50's isn't perhaps that cold, wet/rainy/muddy... eh I'm just not sure.
Debating just having my usual workout in the morning and 5k run around where I live. Perhaps I'll make it longer instead.
So if I choose not to go, well I hope you are not disappointed in me. That is the biggest thing! And I'll be a little disappointed in myself as well. Just wrestling with these thoughts.
Hope you all have a wonderful evening!
@Phoenix22k
Wow you are making me want to start running again. So impressive! Great work keep it up!
9/27 Friday
Thank you guys for the kind words yesterday. Today went a lot better. I went on a walk to get coffee with my mom this morning and ate well. I even finished with half a chocolate bar which eating the same amount last night made me feel guilty whereas tonight it made me feel good. Interesting how your mindset can change the feelings behind the same action. Anyways, keeping my streak going and proud!
@orangeSpruce9113
I'm so glad that your day turned out well orange! Know that your emotions and feelings are normal and there is nothing wrong with them. You are right though, it is really interesting how one moment our feelings around food can be "scary" but at other times they are "normal".
You are doing a great job!
As for running/exercise. I say start small! Just go for a light jog for even just a mile if you can. Do not have any "expectations" of a certain time or anything. Just do it for the sake of accomplishing something and feeling good at the end. Well, tired, but emotionally good :) After some time you may feel comfortable adding some more miles to your jog. Just start somewhere!
Perhaps there are some other friends on campus you can meet with to run? Just some thoughts.
@Phoenix22k
Yes I actually do have a running buddy! I’ll definitely be giving her a text!
@orangeSpruce9113
I’m really happy to hear that your day went better. It’s amazing how our perspective can change how we experience certain situations, right? The fact that you felt good after eating that chocolate is such a huge step forward! Continuing on this path with kindness toward yourself will take you far. You’re really strong and have every reason to be proud of yourself
Sat 9/29 AM
Early post! I'll finish up later. But, I did decide to not travel out to the Tough Mudder. 2 hours there, 2 hours back, dreading having to go through some of the obstacles and being wet/miserable. Mainly all just to "prove" to myself that I am worth something.
I do enjoy the races, do not get me wrong, but I know that part of me doing them is always that I am trying to "prove" to myself that I am capable of great things. I'm starting to recognize that I am still this, even without doing super tough obstacle races. Additionally, it has been about a year since I injured my shoulder at the same race last year and it is finally feeling great.
That being said, I did have a great morning workout, upped some of the weights, and had a great run. Then did some stretching. So, am I a little disappointed I didn't go, yes, but overall I feel fine about it. Also saved 4 hours of travelling/gas money :)
So no tough mudder, BUT I'm making the real tough choice to live with this decision and have another binge/purge free day. That honestly... may be tougher than the obstacle course races. But I'm confident :)
Hi Phoenix,
You shouldn’t even think that any of us could be anything but proud of you! In fact, I believe it’s incredibly wise of you to recognize whether something is beneficial or could lead to negative outcomes (like getting cold, overexerting yourself, or risking a slip and injury). If anything, your doubt only increases my admiration for you! You truly are an example to me!
@Phoenix22k
The rest of the day went really well! Came to terms with skipping the Tough Mudder. Was able to go to my local cafe, read, and enjoy just a relaxing afternoon.
I watched Inside Out 2 on Disney plus and really enjoyed the movie! I like how it gives personalities to the emotions and just was wondering to myself what ED brain might behave/look like. It also just made me stop and think, it really is just an emotion that likes to try and take control, but I have all my other emotions to help keep it in check. ED is just powerful at times...
Regardless, made healthy choices and had a nice day overall. Hoping you all had a great day as well!
Hi Phoenix,
I’m so glad that your day turned around and that, in the end, you had a positive weekend! You didn’t have anything to prove—not to yourself or anyone else. Pushing yourself physically, out in the cold, away from home, just to prove your worth doesn’t make sense if it’s not something that brings you joy. You’d only risk ending up with a miserable day. Besides, we all know how valuable you are and how much strength you show every day in battling your ED.
As I mentioned the other day (sorry if my previous response was brief, I was on my phone), I actually think your decision to skip the race shows even more strength. To me, it demonstrates just how much self-awareness you’ve gained—knowing what will make you feel good and what might not. You’ve learned how to truly listen to yourself and make a difficult decision without it leading you into the trap of binge eating.
Months ago, a choice like this might have spiraled into something like, "I skipped the race, I failed, so I’m going to throw everything away, including my healthy eating, and binge on whatever I can find." But not now! Now you took a step back, evaluated the situation, and made the best decision for yourself. That’s a massive achievement, and I couldn’t be prouder of you for handling it the way you did!
One thing that made me smile when reading about your Saturday is that you mentioned watching Inside Out 2 on Disney+. You know what I did on Saturday? I watched Inside Out 2 on Disney+ too! Hahaha. I know we’re in completely different places, with different time zones, so we weren’t technically watching at the same time, but I like to imagine that we were! I love the idea of us both sitting there, watching the same thing, feeling the same emotions together.
Honestly, I was really excited to see it because I was curious how they’d portray Anxiety, and I think they did an amazing job. You’re absolutely right—there’s probably another animated character inside our heads, one named ED, who tries to overshadow the other emotions. I imagine it being large and dark, maybe a bit like Riley’s "secret" character. What do you think it looks like?
Maybe if we picture ED as just another one of the emotions inside our minds we can find a way to keep it more in check. What do you think? Could visualizing it this way help take away some of its power?
9/28 Saturday
Today was good and binge free yay! I was busy doing more moving in stuff and shopping. I’ve been feeling a little more settled in as well which is nice because the anxious feeling is going away! Hoping for a good first week on my own.
@orangeSpruce9113
It’s so great to hear that your day was binge-free and that you’re feeling more comfortable in your new space! Change can be stressful, but it seems like you’re handling everything really well. I hope your first week on your own goes wonderfully—you’re already off to a great start!
9/29 Sunday
Today started off rocky as my mom left but it ended up being super awesome. No binges and I even pulled myself out of an anxious episode! Made a lot of new friends too!
@orangeSpruce9113
It’s totally normal to have tough moments, especially when you’re separated from someone important like your mom, but you handled everything so well! Pulling yourself out of an anxiety episode is a huge achievement, and making new friends makes it even better. Congrats on getting through the day without binging—keep it up, you’re doing an amazing job!
Hi everyone,
As usual, I struggle to write over the weekend, so I always end up sending you a summary of everything that happened over the past few days. Actually, this time it’s even more than that since I realize I stopped at Thursday, the day I attended the fair.
Let’s just say it’s been a pretty normal few days, so I won’t bore you with a detailed account of each one. The time I felt most challenged by my mind and body was yesterday (Sunday) afternoon. I felt bloated, I felt fat... Part of me knows I’m not, but I couldn’t turn off that malicious little voice that kept insisting otherwise.
On weekends, I usually eat a little more than I do during the week. Since I’m home with my husband, he might suggest we have a coffee, and we end up making frothy milk like a cappuccino. Or I might have a few extra grapes or a piece of fruit. Nothing dramatic or excessive, but on Sunday, I just felt awful about it. Not awful in terms of guilty (well, a little) but just awful in terms of bloating and fat.
I’m still not eating everything I should. I’m not restricting as much as I used to, but I’m also not eating as much as I should according to my dietician and psychologist.
Lately, I’ve been thinking more and more about how much I dislike myself. It’s not that I ever really liked what I see in the mirror, but recently, it’s gotten worse.
It’s not about one specific flaw (like not liking my hair, for example), because if it were, I could work on that. Instead, it’s more general—I just see myself as ugly. And no matter how hard I try to improve things, nothing seems to help. For instance, on Saturday morning, I put on nice makeup because I had an errand to run. During that errand, I bumped into an old colleague, and we chatted for a bit. After we said goodbye, I turned around to continue my errands and realized I was in front of a mirror. The moment I saw my reflection, I thought, “Oh my god, did my former colleague really have to put up with this face while we were talking? I look so awful! I wonder what they thought of me and how much I’ve let myself go.”
I know that looks don’t really matter in life. What truly matters is who we are inside, as people. Maybe the fact that I don’t have many close people in my life who see me for who I really am leaves me feeling like I need to be better on the outside, to create a positive impression on those who don’t really know me. I’m not sure if that’s true or just a passing thought. I’m writing this out impulsively as I tell you about my weekend.
I hope the new week brings you lots of positivity and many days where everything goes well! Now I’m off to prepare the post for the new week!
@Turtleonmyleftarm
Hi Turtle , I hope you are having a good day , I must admit your post made me rather sad , hearing how you see yourself, surely you must know it's not true? I understand how you would think someone who isn't close to you would base their opinion on your outward appearance, but what they think doesn't necessarily mean it's true , in my opinion, each and every person is beautiful, because the human being is a great creation from God . I don't know if you are religious, but one of the ways I finally stopped hating myself was to love my body for the complex , and miraculous creation it is. And I am quite sure you are not as ugly as you think you are , perhaps you have a bit of body dismorphia? But I truly hope one day you won't hate yourself so, perhaps someday you will be just as kind to yourself as you are to others.
I hope you can have a bit of compassion for yourself today , and may life treat you well.
@Turtleonmyleftarm
Hey Turtle, sending you a hug!
What you are sharing, really resonates with me too. While I'm "checking the boxes" of trying to live healthier, I still feel my mind/emotions are not on board with the new person I am working to become.
I think it is still rather early into your new "diet" and getting used to less restriction. You have been doing so well with it, and no perhaps not perfect, but still you are a wonderful work in progress. All things considered remember that you are working on changing eating habits/thoughts around eating that are years old and have all sorts of emotions tied to them. It has been 3-4 months? roughly at least since you have shared your journey here. I'm proud of you, imperfect diet and all.
I'm also working on finding/defining myself beyond my fitness. I do take pride in being in shape, as do you, but I am slowly realizing it is not everything. I'm also hard on myself for not looking a certain way, when it's completely out of my control. What I find myself fixated on now is my jawline/face, and how when I binge/purge it swells or looks different. In fact it may not even look different but in my mind it does.
Trying to find compassion and forgiveness for ourselves... is hard. I wish I had more to say about it and a magic way to do it, but just know that I'm working on it too and just slowly trying to think of myself more positively. Or at least live up to how everyone else sees me...
Hoping you find some peace and love for yourself!
New thead: https://www.7cups.com/forum/eds/General_2454/Accountabilitythread930106_337561/
See you over there!