Accountability thread 9/23 - 9/29

Sunday/Monday 9/22, 9/23

Going to start recapping Sunday. After having a really pleasant morning again and feeling so "motivated" to make a "new season" in my life... well... It started. Back to day 0.

Not sure what it was really. Boredom? Anxious about the lofty goal of a whole season of being binge/purge free? Whatever it was, I had a binge session in the late afternoon. After dinner I had a second helping again and I just felt over-stuffed and a little uncomfortable. I didn't eat anything "bad" just really another helping of salad with chicken, but this was enough. So I purged some of that and found some other goodies, and just... failed.

Went to bed much later than I would have liked, disappointed in myself, feeling like a failure. Woke up with similar thoughts and figured it would be a long day.

Monday Morning

With less sleep, woke up, and gave myself a little pep-talk. Then to my surprise, had an excellent workout. Higher weights, stronger reps, decent run. It was a little shining light that got my head straight. I am still strong, still healing, and getting stronger, physically and mentally, even if it is by a tiny amount.

Still I thought I would be extra tired during school. While I wasn't quite as energetic, the day went well and I feel pretty good even now. I anticipated really needing to take a nap to recharge, which I still might do, but overall still feel good.

Disappointed in myself, yes. I guess this won't be a "perfect" season. But I need to give myself grace. What I also am trying to say is that technically today is the first FULL day of fall... Just a twisted little mind game.

Bottom line, I just want to have more success. I need to continue to tell myself how good it feels when I eat the right things and have the proper routines.

So picking myself back up again, trying to keep a positive mind, as I get through this first full day of fall. I feel good and like I can handle dinner coming up and the evening that follows. I definitely want to get more rest tonight.

Love you all, sorry for failing you, but thanks for the support <3

@Phoenix22k

Aw man I’m sorry. Please don’t beat yourself up. You are most definitely not a failure. You have had so many hard days and you have always made it out even stronger so use this as a learning experience and keep pushing on! You’ve got this!

@Phoenix22k

First of all, I just want to say that you're not failing anyone. In fact, it takes so much courage to open up and share your experiences like you do. I know this isn’t easy, but what stands out to me most is how you keep picking yourself back up, even when things don’t go as planned. That resilience is powerful, and it’s a sign of real progress.

It’s completely okay that this season isn’t "perfect"—recovery is messy, but it’s also a journey where every step, big or small, matters. You’re right that giving yourself grace is key. It sounds like you’re doing just that, and that’s something to be proud of.

I'm so glad you had that shining moment with your workout—it’s a reminder that even on the hard days, there’s strength in you, both physically and mentally. Those little victories are huge, and they show just how far you’ve come.

As for Sunday, don’t be too hard on yourself. You recognized what happened, and you’re already refocusing. That’s progress. One day doesn't define your whole journey, and you’re learning every step of the way.

You’ve got this, especially with your positive mindset going into the rest of the week. I'm rooting for you, always here if you need anything. You are doing amazing, even when it doesn't feel like it. Keep taking it one day at a time, and be kind to yourself along the way. You deserve that rest tonight, and you deserve grace too.

Sending lots of love your way

Hi Phoenix22K

I want to thank you for being such a wholesome and wonderful individual, and though I'm new here , I just want to tell you that you haven't failed at anything. The fact that you try every single day , that your eating healthy , that you keep working out in the mornings , tells me just how much you have actually SUCCEEDED not to mention how you are so kind to everyone with your sweet words and inspiration.

Never give up , and don't tell yourself you have failed because you haven't failed at all.

And yes , keep up with your healthy habits and you will do very well.

Hi everyone! I know it’s been almost 4 days without a post because I was backpacking which was so amazing btw. I had so much fun!! I’m happy to say that my binge free streak is still going strong !! I leave for college tomorrow night and that’s usually when my mental health kind of drops so I’ll probably be posting more on here. Hopefully it doesn’t trigger anything. I really don’t want to break my streak! Anyways, feeling great right now trying not to think about leaving tomorrow but will keep you all updated!

@orangeSpruce9113

Glad to hear backpacking was fun and that you're still crushing it with your streak!

Good luck going back to college! A new routine is can be challenging at first but I'm sure you'll continue to find success. 

@orangeSpruce9113

So happy to hear you had an amazing time backpacking! That sounds like such a great experience, and I’m even more excited to hear that your binge-free streak is still going strong! You’ve been doing such an incredible job, and I know how hard you’ve worked for this.

I totally get that going back to college can bring up a lot of emotions, but you’re already aware of that, which is a huge strength. Just remember, you don’t have to go through it alone—lean on us as much as you need to. You've got a strong support system here, and we’re with you every step of the way.

Take it one day at a time, and be kind to yourself as you transition. You’ve shown so much resilience already, and I believe you’ll continue to handle things with that same strength and grace.

Hello everyone, this is my first time trying this app , so I'm a bit nervous. But I am rather excited to have a place where I can express my feeling , where it doesn't effect my family.

I am 17 and I have been recovering from Anorexia for maybe 5 months now? It was rather hard to change my habits , but now it seems like I've gone the other way? I did a bit of research on the subject, and I read about a phenomenon known as extreme hunger. Has anyone else experienced this? And how do you know whether you have become addicted to food or not? Since I am now almost overweight , but I don't know what to do because I still don't have a period. Any information would be appreciated.

But thank you so very much for reading, and give a space to speak freely and safely. It means the world.

@Sweetdisposition6571

Hi Sweet! I'm proud of you for seeking out help and recognizing your ED.

I'm not a doctor by any means, but we here are all recovering/healing from different types of ED. Bulima for me. Some others are more aware of anorexia.

I am not able to provide accurate medical advice, but can say that eating disorders come in a variety of forms. I'm not sure what you mean by "Extreme Hunger" but if you are anorexic it could be your body desperately trying to get calories in to eat. I know body image is a big factor, and self-esteem, with many eating disorders. 

I encourage you to try and find a "healthy" routine of eating and adding foods into your life that you enjoy. Also, if you are able, try and find a way to make exercise part of your routine. It has great mental and physical health benefits.

Please continue to check in with us! You may also find more help in the general ED forum.

@Sweetdisposition6571

Hi! I’m glad you’re here and I hope we are able to provide you with a little bit of support and guidance. I was in a similar situation to you just a few months ago and I’ve only recently broken out of my disordered eating. What you’re going through is incredibly difficult mentally and physically. If you’re not in therapy already I would highly recommend seeing someone because a lot of the time disordered eating stems from mental challenges. I would also recommend decreasing your screen time especially on social media and spending a lot of time with other people like family and friends. You’ve got this and we’re here for you!

@Sweetdisposition6571

Hello Sweet, 

Thanks for joining our group here, and for finding the courage and strenght to face your anorexia. 

I know you’re feeling  anxious about what you're going through right now, especially with the extreme hunger. It’s totally understandable, but from what I've read this is a normal in recovery if your restriction has been particularly hard/strict. I remember when I first started eating a little bit more, it was so frustrating feeling hungry all the time - especially right after finishing a meal! It still happens to me to this day too (I am still recovering) and it's the worst feeling for me. So I get you. 

Extreme hunger can feel overwhelming, but (again, from what I've read) it's actually your body’s way of trying to heal and replenish itself after being in such a state of restriction. I've seen people saying you should try to listen to it, even if it feels weird or uncomfortable. It this can help you, you’re not alone in this, and so many people have gone through the exact same thing. When I used social media more (Orange is right, if possible please try to avoid it) there was this girl I used to see on ***, Emily. Her name was emsrecovers. She experienced extreme hunger and I fond her inspiring for the way she was going through her experience. Maybe she could be worth checking out?

Be kind to yourself, and trust the process. Recovery is not a straight line, but every step forward—no matter how small—is progress. You’re incredibly strong, and I believe in you every step of the way.

Tuesday 9/24

I had a really nice night and caught up on sleep. Great morning workout, and School went well. I feel good still and motivated, yesterday was a "clean" day so starting off back on track.

That in itself is a success as sometimes I find it hard to get back to a "clean" eating streak after a binge/purge. So little itty bitty victories!

Home now and just planning to relax some this evening, have a healthy dinner, keep it down, and be in bed at an appropriate hour.

Best of luck to you all on your journeys!

@Phoenix22k

I’m happy you’re feeling better. It’s good to get back into a routine and getting enough sleep is the first step. You’re bouncing back so quick I know you’re going to keep doing great!

@Phoenix22k

Hi Phoenix, 
It's so nice to read you're feeling better, even if it's difficult to get back on track. 
But YOU'VE GOT THIS! You've proved it to us time and time again, and I believe in you.
You are stronger than you know... And I know it 😊

Monday 23rd/Tuesday 24th

Hi everyone,

Sorry if I haven’t been very consistent these days, but work has been a bit crazy. I feel like I’m constantly inside a blender, being tossed around from one thing to the next without a moment to stop. As a result, even my memories of what I’m doing seem hazy and unclear...

Monday, for example—I know it sounds strange, but I honestly can’t remember everything I did or ate. It’s not that I’m experiencing memory loss, but the “usual” things (getting up and walking my dogs, going to work, having lunch, going back to work, coming home to make dinner and prep meals for the next day, then going to bed) have become so routine that it feels like my brain doesn’t store them in much detail. It’s as if my head doesn’t want to waste space on things it deems unimportant. On top of that, my mind is always so preoccupied with thinking about what I’ve just eaten, what I’m going to eat next, or how my body seems to be changing, that these thoughts leave no room in my mental “hard drive” for anything else.

Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that Monday ended up being a pretty “normal” day. I didn’t eat everything I was supposed to—but I also don’t recall any major restrictions. I do remember feeling hungrier than usual, but that was probably due to the higher physical activity the day before. Since Monday was more of a “rest” day, I didn’t honor that hunger or allow myself any extras, especially knowing what would happen the next day.

Tuesday (yesterday) was like the “blender effect” on overdrive.
I went to the office at the crack of dawn because I had several urgent things to take care of. Then I had to head to the airport to pick up some clients and spent the whole day with them—including lunch. At lunch, with both them and my CEO, I couldn’t afford to come across as someone with anorexia or food issues, so I chose what seemed like the healthiest, lightest options, but still forced myself to eat everything. I tried to reassure myself that I would make up for it by skipping my usual morning and afternoon snacks.
When evening came, these clients asked if we could all have dinner together to strengthen our relationship outside of work and to return the favor for the lunch we had hosted. And of course, since they were foreigners in Italy, they suggested pizza. I couldn’t back out, but in my head I was already trying to figure out what/how much to eat and how to compensate the next day. Luckily, the CEO’s wife stepped in and saved me at the last minute! She told the CEO that I had been there all day and was probably tired, and there was no need to make me drive so many kilometers just for pizza, especially since it was pouring rain. She also thought it would be wiser if I didn’t drive unless absolutely necessary. Honestly, I could have kissed her!!!!!!

So, I managed to get home, prepare a “normal” dinner for my husband, and had a light salad with mixed veggies and tofu for myself (no carbs, minimal oil). Being able to eat something light after that lunch was a blessing. I don’t think I fully compensated, but if I compare how I would’ve felt after eating pizza to how I felt after the salad, there’s no comparison.

Today it’s back to the normal office routine with my pre-prepared meals and the quantities (more or less) as recommended by my nutritionist. I’ll also be heading to the gym during lunch, so hopefully that will help me get rid of this “I feel obese” feeling, even though I know it’s just my ED brain talking, and not reality. But this damn ED brain won’t shut up, especially knowing that tomorrow I’ll be at a trade fair with my CEO and we’ll have to eat out again. It feels like the same thing that happened yesterday will happen all over again...

In any case, I hope I can at least write today’s report (Wednesday 25th) later on, because tomorrow (Thursday 26th) I’ll be at the fair all day and definitely won’t be able to check in—except maybe for a quick response here and there. If I don’t manage to write and you don’t hear from me, don’t worry!

Sending love to all of you. You are my inspiration and support, and I am really glad I found all of you.
I’d also like to send a thought to @enigmaticOcean8813  who we haven’t heard from in several days because he’s been super busy with his house move. I hope he’s doing well and that his adventure with the new house is turning out to be a positive one.

Hello Turtleonmyleftarm

From what I am hearing , you are going through dlot of stress at the moment . I can't imagine having to go through an ED while going to work aswell! And if you don't mind me asking , are you recovering from Anorexia? Because when I hear your thought about your meals and having to eat out , these thoughts sound very familiar. I hope you can be z little softer on yourself in the future , and instead of dreading it , treat yourself to some pizza after a long day's work! It most definitely will not make you unhealthy or obese . I am here to talk if you need to , and may you stay strong .

@Sweetdisposition6571

Hi Sweetdisposition657,

Thanks for your response and for your understanding. You really do have a sweet disposition! Your username couldn’t be more fitting. But don’t get too used to it, I rarely type out full usernames, and you’ll see that before long I’ll start calling you Sweet (actually, I might have already done so in the first message I sent you!). For me, it’s a way to shorten the distance and build a better connection. i hope you don't mind! 

Yes, it's a bit of a stressful period, but honestly, I feel better when I’m under pressure at work rather than in times of too much calm, because they give me too much time to think. The worst times for me are during vacations, when my brain has too much time to create mental dramas or to dwell on the same thoughts for too long.

You asked me about my recovery. I realized something was wrong last year in September, after the summer holidays in August, during which I had a really negative and stressful relationship with food and my body. But I didn’t immediately find the right professional to guide me through this journey. In January of this year, I found an excellent psychologist, specialized in treating eating disorders, but she’s quite expensive and could only help with one of the many aspects of anorexia. In June/July, however, I started being followed by a specialized center for eating disorders, where there's a team consisting of a psychologist, psychiatrist, nutritionists, and a general practitioner, all working together to help patients overcome this issue. I’m still at the beginning, and like you said, many of my thoughts are still very much aligned with those who suffer from anorexia—because I still do, even though I’m trying to recover. But little by little, I’ll make it. And so will you.

With each other’s support, we will make it!

Hello Turtleonmyleftarm

thank you for your warm words , you must be such a lovely person , I can tell by the way you talk.(I got my username by the name of one of my favourite songs xD) Perhaps I can call you Turtle if that's okay?

I understand what you are saying , often some distraction can give you a little break from that voice in your head .all I can say us that when you have those quiet moments , where those thoughts creep in , perhaps try to invision something that makes you happy , a fond memory , or even what your dream dress would be? I know this sounds silly , perhaps it is. But it's worth a try

I am very glad to hear that you have found a place to help you get through this , especially after it torturing you for such a long time.And , I am sorry to say , but you have may have a long way to go still , with many hard days , but I assure you , once you finally start to break free , it is life changing.

Thank you , your support is very dear to me

@Turtleonmyleftarm

Hi Turtle! Great to hear from you :) Life has a way of getting busy so absolutely no worries about your posts. I have been busy as well!

It sounds like your days have been pretty positive. Having more to do in some ways may be helpful in the moment at keeping ED brain "silent" but it is always there. I dread eating events with my coworkers and can relate to your situation with the pizza. On one hand you want to be a good host, but on the other you are trying to heal and make better decisions for yourself. I'm glad to hear your coworker came to the rescue and allowed you to have a more "normal" dinner.

Sorry for the short response, but I'm super proud of you as always and sending you love! I'm just trying to catch up on everyone's stories :)

9/23 Tuesday

Another day added to my streak! I’m currently on the plane leaving for college so keeping this short but so anxious to be going back ahhhh. I’ll keep you guys updated on my mental health as I adjust to college life again.

I am so very happy to hear this!

It makes me smile to read that you are doing well especially during this hard time. Just remember to be kind to yourself and keep going

@orangeSpruce9113

Have a safe flight! Looking forward to reading your stories from college 🫂

I just want to say thank you do much to all who have read , and respond to , my message . It is people like you that brings me hope for humanity.

I hope it's alright to rant about my problems here , but I will try to respond to others aswell. If anyone needs advice with their ED I may or may not have some knowledge xD

This morning was rather hard , I woke up regretting how much I ate yesterday, only to proceed to eat a large amount for breakfast, which also happened to be quite unhealthy. But I got myself to do a workout , which made me feel better. I haven't excercised in a while because I still get anxiety about it being wrong , even though I know it's just my own fault. But I plan to eat healthy for lunch , and just try to keep going forward without giving up , or breaking down . For in reality I have alot to be thankful for and there is so many good things in my life that I wish I would rather focus on them . Thank you all for reading , I hope you are all doing well today <3

@Sweetdisposition6571

Hi Sweet!
(See? I've alread shortened your name, as promised in my previous post here above 🤣)

It's perfectly okay to rant here—this is a safe space for all of us to share our struggles.
And you can reply to our posts, or just write your own, there's no rule! Just do what you feel is right for you. 

It's really great that you managed to work out, especially considering how much anxiety exercise can cause sometimes. It's not easy to push through those feelings, so you should definitely give yourself credit for that! May I ask you what's causing you distress about exercise? You mention anxiety about "it being wrong", what do you mean by that? Is that because you used to exercise only to burn calories, so you're afraid you're doing it for the wrong reasons?

(Note to self - I should read what I am writing to you and try to live with this too)
Don't be too hard on yourself about what you ate. Recovery is a process, and it’s normal to have ups and downs. The fact that you're still pushing forward and focusing on the positives in your life is such a strong and inspiring mindset. And you're right—there's so much to be thankful for, even though it can be hard to focus on that when we’re dealing with these challenges.

Sending lots of positive vibes your way, and I hope you're having a better day today! <3

Thank you Turtle!

I feel overjoyed finally having a place to speak to others who understand me , and such wonderful others aswell!

The distress comes from past experience I suppose . There were instances where everytime I would excercise, I would just feel absolute dread , I'm not sure why. And not only that , but the only way my parents could keep me safe was by banning me from it , so everytime I would do it in secret , they would be very very disappointed. And it broke my heart whenever I made them sad. So I suppose I feel guilt in a weird way , like I could spend that time doing something better, to make them proud.

I know you may not like what I say , but sometimes in recovery it is recommended that you completely stop exercising. Just until you are better! The point of this is not only to give your body a break, but to train your mind that food should not be 'earned' with excercise. But as long as you do it for the right reason, I'm sure it's alright.

Thank you though , I will try my best to just listen to my body , instead of my mind. Harder than it sounds am I right?

Thank you again. It is so lovely talking to you , I don't understand how I can deserve such a wonderful life!

I definitely am feeling positive, thanks to your support.

And I hope you have had a beautiful day today!

@Sweetdisposition6571

Hi Sweet! I'm so glad you joined us here and have found it to be a safe place to talk. That is what also drew me to the site. It is so refreshing to feel "heard" and most importantly to not feel alone.

I'm really proud of you for trying to add some exercise into your life. Notice that feeling you said, it felt good! You are doing something good for your body, and your mind. Nutrition is important as well, but take small steps.

@Turtleonmyleftarm is truly amazing and has done some incredible in her journey with anorexia. I'm sure you'll find her as an inspiration!

Keep trying to exercise and adding healthy things to your diet. I find that making a "routine" is helpful. Not full-proof, but it helped calm down my ED brain for most of the day. Until boredom sets in that is haha. But nice work and looking forward to hearing more of your story!

Hi everyone,

I promised I’d update you about my day, but there’s actually not much to share about this Wednesday. However, as Phoenix has said a few times, sometimes the best days are the ones we don’t have much to say about. It doesn’t mean they were boring, but rather good days!

I’m so happy to see new people joining this thread and sharing their thoughts and experiences. It really feels like we’re creating something meaningful, and it motivates me even more to keep trying to recover and get better. I’m sending you all lots of love, and even if I’m not able to write tomorrow, I’ll definitely make an effort to check in and follow your daily adventures.

9/25 Wednesday

Hi guys! Today was pretty exhausting. I didn’t binge but I did overeat which is fine just doesn’t feel awesome. I’ve been feeling a little more anxious than usual just because I’m back at college but so far not too bad. I hope this feeling just goes away within a few days.

@orangeSpruce9113

Nice job orange! Getting back into the groove of college is stressful, been there! But hopefully the time also allows you to build some new healthy habits and meet some great people. I imagine some of the anxiety will go away. Just remember how far you have come with your diet and try not to use food to "comfort" yourself. Be strong!

@orangeSpruce9113

 I totally get how exhausting those days can be. It’s really great that you didn’t binge, even though you might not feel awesome about overeating—it’s okay to have those days, especially with everything you’re juggling right now. Going back to college can bring up a lot of feelings, but I’m sure with time things will settle down and feel more comfortable. Be kind to yourself as you adjust, and as Phoenix said, you’ve made such amazing progress already! You’ve got this, and we’re all here for you

Wednesday/Thursday 9/25 and 9/26

Hi all! Sorry for missing yesterday. My days have gotten busier as well and there really wasn't too much to report. All "healthy" meals. Most significant has been regularly getting to bed early and in turn waking up feeling much better about everything.

I worked on a new evening routine which has been helpful. This has been the time ED brain is more active. I'm trying to "hold off" my dinner until around 6:30/7:00. This has helped as afterwards its pretty close to when I try to go to bed (8:30/9:00pm). I have also started watching Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy :) (starting to sound like an old-person!) But hey, it's helped keep me in and not binge.

Workouts have been great. Today was chest/back and I have kept up with the heavier weights and challenging myself. Yesterday was legs and that too improved. I used to dread that workout but am starting to find more joy in it which is nice.

School has been good as well. Just tiring by the end of the day. ED brain likes to kick in once I get home but I just need to remind myself that some of what I'm feeling is just withdrawl from sugar rushes/binge/purge sessions. 

Anyway, finding some more success and "back" on track which feels good. Saturday is a big 15k tough mudder so I'm glad to be healing and fueling myself properly for a challenging run ahead!

Stay strong everyone and love you all!

@Phoenix22k

Sounds like you’re finding a rhythm again. Super proud of you and keep up the good work. You are inspiring me!

@Phoenix22k

Hey, it sounds like you’re really making some great strides! I’m so glad to hear that your new routine is working and that you’re finding joy in your workouts—especially the leg day! It’s also amazing that you’re able to recognize and push through those ED thoughts, especially in the evenings. The small changes like adjusting your meal times and finding relaxing things to do, like watching "old people tv" seem to be working, which is awesome. 

I bet the 15k Tough Mudder is going to be such a great experience for you! It’s fantastic that you’re fueling and taking care of yourself to be ready for it. Keep up the amazing work, and remember that I'll spend Saturday thinking about you and your race, and cheering on you from a distance!
Sending you strength and love!

9/26 Thursday

Hi everyone! Another day binge free however it was another day of overeating. I’m starting to notice that I’m using food to cope again as I feel pretty anxious/uncomfortable/on edge right now with college starting up again and just being away from home. I also haven’t gotten much exercise in for the past few days because of moving so that defeats isn’t helping my body image. I know I need to get back into a rhythm which @Phoenix22k is motivating me to do. I haven’t binged in so long so I really don’t want to break the streak but I can feel the same feelings I used to get before. I’m a bit scared :(

I am so happy to hear that you had another good day! But I understand it must be really nerve-wracking to go through this time in your life , and it's a good going ghat you are able to spot your emotions so well. You can use that skill to try and overcome your fear. I'm definitely not an expert , but from what you say , I think you are doing an amazing job.I have done a bit of overeating myself this morning, but I am going to try to not let it bother me somehow. You must also remember to be kind to yourself, and perhaps find something to enjoy that can distract you from this

Wishing you all the best , and may you have a wonderful day

@orangeSpruce9113

Hey Orange!
I really understand you. Dealing with all of these things at once can be super stressful. It’s already a huge achievement that you've stayed away from binge eating, so give yourself credit for what you're doing! Even though you're struggling with anxiety and the urge to use food to cope, it’s great that you're aware of what's going on. Maybe you could try taking small steps, like a short walk to feel more active, or finding something that helps you relax a bit? And if you ever feel like talking, we are all here for you. You're not alone in this!

@orangeSpruce9113

Hey Orange! I'm really proud of you for coming here and sharing your emotions. You have been doing an INCREDIBLE JOB. The fact that you are recognizing your situation and how you may be using food to cope is huge.

If you feel yourself about to slip, just think of all the great progress you have made. How good you have been feeling, the extra energy, the happiness and joy. (NOTE TO MYSELF).

Maybe opt for an extra protein shake instead if you are able. I remember you said you found those satisfying and a nice treat!

Sending you a hug and cheering for you! We are always here and you are an inspiration to me!

Hello everyone,

As promised, I read your messages yesterday, but I couldn’t find the time to write back. Sorry! Now I’ll catch up on everything, going back through the conversation and replying to everyone.

My day yesterday (Thursday the 26th) went… Well, all in all, it was okay, I think?
We left early to attend this industry trade show, so I had breakfast and packed an “emergency” snack bar in my bag. But in my mind, there was this constant battle between one part of me thinking, “If you eat the bar mid-morning, you’ll be less hungry at lunch and can eat less,” and the other part saying, “You’ll likely eat more than usual at lunch, and without knowing exactly how the food is prepared, how much oil and dressing is in it. Don’t eat the bar.”

In the end… I didn’t eat the bar. And looking back, I’m glad I didn’t (although I realize this is my ED brain talking) because the lunch was heavier than I expected. At lunch, it was me, the CEO of my company, and two colleagues. As soon as the food arrived, my CEO started commenting, “Do you think you’ll manage to eat it all?” and while I was eating, “I didn’t think you’d make it that far into the dish.”

His tone was light, playful, and in no way negative. In fact, it was almost positive, as he’s complimented me more than once in the past on how I’ve gotten in shape (obviously, he has no idea what’s behind it) and how I’ve become athletic. His comments were mostly directed towards the idea that I could afford to eat a lot because I’m fit and exercise a lot.

I know his intentions were positive, but I couldn’t help but think about how distorted people’s perceptions are (including my own, I admit) regarding others’ bodies. We don’t realize if someone is healthy or not because we tend to tie it so closely to their physical appearance. If a heavier person eats an entire plate of food, we think they shouldn’t and that they’re overeating, being greedy. But if a thinner person eats a whole plate, we look on with envy, and the comments are more playful and lighthearted.

Honestly, it was almost more painful to experience firsthand how differently I was treated before, when I was heavier, than the pain of receiving comments on what I was eating at the height of my anorexia. I remembered how hurtful those looks were from people who saw me as overweight and thought I shouldn’t be eating. I remembered how I was seen as different, ugly, or overlooked, just because my body didn’t fit what people considered right or attractive. And yet, the person inside that body is the same person inside this one.

To finish up my recap, after lunch, we headed back to the office. When I got off work, I went home and went for a run. Just 5 km to loosen up my muscles, which were sore from the previous day's workout, and to release some tension from the day. Then, dinner, a shower, and straight to bed.

While in bed, I reflected on my eating throughout the day, and all in all, even though lunch was heavier than I would have liked, I think I balanced things out pretty well with my other meals. Sure, I admit I didn’t have any carbs or fats at dinner (just protein and veggies), but if, as my dietician told me at our last appointment, what really matters is the overall daily or even weekly intake, and not to obsess over a single meal, then I think it was okay to handle it that way.

Sending you all a big hug and lots of positive vibes! I hope your days are nothing short of perfect...

@Turtleonmyleftarm

Sounds like an interesting day indeed! Foremost, I think that yes indeed you had a successful day with your eating, especially with ED brain in the background. You have become so much more flexible with your diet since we first started talking and also managing to balance things out! I like how you also went for your 5k run to clear your mind, no doubt you felt even better afterwards!

You bring up some excellent points about other people's perspectives. Sadly, we do live in a world of comparisons and judgements. I think that is something we are just hard-wired to do. The issue is that there is so much more to people than appearances. As you very well know, it is a struggle each day for us to make the right decisions and a battle. People see our "fit" outsides but have no idea the mental efforts and stress we are undergoing beyond the physical working out part. While comments like the CEO's probably seem harmless to them, they do not realize the damage they can cause.

I'm sorry for the emotions that it brought up for you but proud of you still and sending you a hug for all that you have accomplished and become. If anything, your journey now gives you a place where you can help others and be an inspiration. I keep telling myself that is the reason I am experiencing these challenges too, in order to improve myself and be a light to others.

Friday 9/27

A really nice Friday! Workout and normal routine in the morning was good and I had a good-night sleep. Making that a priority moving forward as I have noticed just how important getting enough sleep is. I feel better in the morning, better workouts, better throughout the day, just happier overall. Something I know but in the throes of ED brain just throw out the window sometimes... but that was the past.

School went well. I did not have to teach today and we had meetings amongst teachers instead (in-service) which was productive. Lunch was provided for us, a thoughtful gesture, but I brought my own and nobody mentioned it or bothered me about it. In fact, another teacher brought hers as well and talked about how she is never satisfied with what is provided for us. She is also a health-conscious person, but I admire how open she was about it.

Came home to catch up here with you all and relax this evening. I am having second thoughts about doing the 15k run tomorrow. I'm definitely in shape for it, and not worried about obstacles ect. but the forecasted weather is not looking good. While it is a tough mudder and I expect to get muddy, it is also going to be in the low 50's, rainy, and wet. It's a 2 hour drive to get there. So I'm having some second thoughts about heading all that way. I am NOT a cold weather person 😝. While 50's isn't perhaps that cold, wet/rainy/muddy... eh I'm just not sure.

Debating just having my usual workout in the morning and 5k run around where I live. Perhaps I'll make it longer instead. 

So if I choose not to go, well I hope you are not disappointed in me. That is the biggest thing! And I'll be a little disappointed in myself as well. Just wrestling with these thoughts.

Hope you all have a wonderful evening!