Accountability THread 8/19 - 8/25
Hi everyone,
I hope you are all doing well and finding success with managing your ED's or any challenges you may be facing. @enigmaticOcean8813 , @Turtleonmyleftarm , and I have been sharing our days and experiences for the past few weeks and have found tremendous support in one another.
We would love to have more people join in on the thread! So feel free to post what you are facing, any goals you have for yourself, or just simply reach out for help.
Sending love to you all and have a great week!
Accountability for Wednesday 21st and Thursday 22nd
Wednesay
Started my day with a 9k run with five 800m sprints, I was particularly proud of myself for running such a hard training session. Then we went to my parents’ place up in the mountains, they were renting it out for a few days and asked me to take care of cleaning it up and giving the keys to the guys that rented it. Since we were quite far from home, we stopped at a restaurant to eat. I chose a dish that I knew I would have liked, even if it wasn’t the lighter option. my morning run helped me feel a little less guilty (but not completely guilt free). I avoided having my snack in the afternoon and went a little lighter on my dinner but all in all I didn’t restrict too much and didn’t feel as guilty as I would have felt in the past. I would give my day a 6 out of 10.
Thursday
We went sightseeing two hystorical cities about 2 hour drive from home. So we walked a lot, also uphills. My husband proposed we eat out, but I told him I wasn’t feeling confident about eating out again so we took our lunches with us. It made me feel better and I managed to eat what I was supposed to eat. When dinner time came, I couldn’t make my ED brain shut down and slightly restricted carbs and fats, but not much.
I noticed I always restrict dinner, while breakfast is always ok, and lunch is almost always fine. So maybe I should start thinking about adding something to my breakfast to compensate? What do you think? I am afraid it will make me think I lost control, but if I add something “the morning after”, considering what I reduced the night before, maybe I could convince my brain that I am not going to blow up like a balloon? What do you think? Could this be a good strategy?
@Turtleonmyleftarm,
It's funny, @Turtle, but I am exactly the same way. I always restrict dinner. Breakfast is always okay, and lunch is always fine.
I've added calorie-dense, high-carbohydrate dark bread to my normal routine of a high-protein shake and banana. The bread was actually a gift from a graduate student I work with; his wife made it for me. This combination provides quite a bit of calories in the morning, along with a lot of protein and carbs, but then it tapers off during the day.
I don't think you've lost control, and I don't think that restricting in the evenings is so bad. I eat as much as I can in the evenings until I'm full, and then I stop, but it's not a lot. My wife must eat nearly twice as much.
You asked if this could be a good strategy. Yes, I think it's very similar to mine, and I think it's a good strategy. I don't think you're going to blow up like a balloon.
It's the way I eat, and I've been eating 95% to 100% of what I put on my plate at all three meals, plus snacks throughout the day. So I think you'll be doing fine with this strategy.
@Turtleonmyleftarm
Great workouts! The runs and sprint routine sounds tough and like you really pushed yourself. It likely had some to do with your thoughts / eating through the day. Your hard workout, and a well deserved meal (as you said not the lightest option) but then you compensated in the evening.
I think this is great. As Marcus Filly was saying on his podcast, its like we have a "bank" of calories. You felt like you used up more of your account earlier so adjusted it later in the day. I would say to give yourself more credit than a 6/10! But know that we all have our own ideas/goals. Either way I'm proud of you and think it was healthy and responsible ( assuming you ate something for dinner).
Dinner is also my "challenging time" but for different reasons. On the opposite side of the spectrum... it's when I may over-eat and say "f it" and purge. Something that has helped, aside from just generally eating better, is having a protein shake at the end of the day right before bed. It's tasty, something I enjoy, healthy, and it has not caused me to gain any "fat" or anything significant. I think it's actually one of the things that has helped me make some progress in my workouts.
So maybe think about adding in a little healthy treat for yourself. But the main thing also is just trying to conquer the fear of getting "fat". Something we are all working on!
Keep up the good work!
Thanks for your feedback! Yes, yes, I ate that night 😉
Thank you for the idea of the healthy treat, I will definitely think about it and see if I can add it to my routine
Aug 22
Another excellent Chest/Back routine with the higher weights! Getting more confident in that I have gained some muscle. Proud of myself for doing so, and being more on-track with my diet.
School was tiring today. I had forgotten how much energy it takes to interact with so many people, not to mention get my room ready, take care of paperwork, ect. Compared to yesterday I felt very tired when I got home. I also noticed how much quicker I've been getting my steps in. I'm realizing that while it may not be a hard workout, just walking around it really does add up and contributes to energy loss.
I was tempted on the way home with the grocery stores but drove past, came home to my cat, did some cleaning, and relaxed (as I intended). It felt good.
Snack/Dinner and all were kept down.
I'm getting more comfortable with myself, but keep trying not to get "too excited" knowing that I may slip eventually. But, I also have confidence and support from you all that support me when I'm down. Thank you so much!
Feeling good, just tired, and trying to get a hang on a new routine to check in here, provide feedback, and cheer you all on.
Hope Friday has been well for you all!
Hi Phoenix,
Great job today too!
Its amazing to see you’re doing so well with your workouts and also in day to day activities. I am sorry you’re not allowing yourself to feel excited about your results because you’re really doing great! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻
Aug 23
Workout/quick run, breakfast all good! Went into school earlier for a club I'm helping with but was able to leave a little earlier than a regular day which was nice.
Getting used to the "tiredness" again I typically feel after a day of teaching. It is a different kind of fatigue, one that I hope to manage better this year. I have finally been more consistent and successful over the summer, so it is time to put that practice into action as I transition back to a regular work week. I'm a bit anxious, but also excited.
I still feel "guilty" about laying down and relaxing. I even had to tell myself today JUST CHILL but my mind just wouldn't let up. It did not lead to any binges, but the feelings were strong to do so.
This weekend I'm looking forward to just relaxing and practicing that. I have some minor obligations but just want to enjoy the last two days of "summer" and be prepared for Monday.
Main goal, to not feel bad about relaxing, to let my body recover, and to not binge/purge when bored.
Hope you all are doing well!
Hi Phoenix,
Today I am “forcing” myself to not train and just chill, as I’m trying to make myself believe the importance of rest and recovery. I also listened to an episode of the podcast about that. Do you think it would help you? If so I’ll find out the number of that episode and I’ll write it to you.
Please try not to feel guilty about giving yourself some love, you absolutely deserve it for all the good work you’ve done in the last weeks!
Friday 23
Started the day with a 7 k easy run plus a 1 k walk with the dogs. Then had breakfast, did some chores around the house and baked some bread and a sweet loaf too. I used to be very good at baking cakes but completely stopped when I started having an ED and only cooked “real meals” or healthy stuff. Well, bread is healthy but we know how difficult carbs can be for us…
Anyway, I also tried a little bite of the sweet bread too, so in the end I’d say it was something that almost took me back to months and months ago…
In general there isn’t much I think I need to report about today. It wasn’t perfect, but it wasn’t bad either. It’s probably my current “new normal” I need to adjust to, before I can make new variations to my routine…
@Turtleonmyleftarm
I love how a 7k run is "easy" for you! That is awesome!!! I'm sure the dogs enjoyed a nice walk too :)
Aside from my long mud runs and obstacle course races, 5k's are plenty long for me!
I think it is a huge victory to get back into baking and having the awareness of how far you have come since you did it in the past. I am really proud of you for allowing this joy back into your life. I/we developed such a "fear" of carbs and I know it is hard to allow them back in.
As I become comfortable with my "new normal", I am treating it like making a new friendship. With kindness, acceptance, and curiosity. Also understanding that it won't be perfect. These are challenging things, but I have found much more joy in things I used to do, as it sounds like you are as well.
Glad to hear the love you are finding for yourself again :)
Ahahah I meant easy run as in “slow run”, by no means 7 k are easy! Thank you for appreciating my return to baking, it really means a lot to me having your support. I will try to use the same approach as you, trying to see my new normal as a new friend…
@Phoenix22k,
Hi, @Phoenix. It's wonderful to hear that you've coined this phrase that I think we should all consider: "the new normal." It's true for all of us. If you read what I wrote to @Turtle, my wife and I have used it during my recovery period after my spinal cord surgeries. I'm pleased to read that you're approaching this school year by being less hard on yourself and letting yourself chill a little bit. You're probably right that if you let yourself relax, you won't have the pressure and you won't have the binge-purge cycles if and when you get bored. I guess school starts tomorrow; we'll find out. But do keep the new normal in mind. I think it's a good way of coming out of the summer and going into the school year. You've done great in that regard. Keep it up!
Accountability for Saturday 24
Today I forced myself to rest, I didn’t train or run as on Sundays I always have the “long” runs and I’ve noticed that they never go as well as the other runs I have during the week. The main reason for the lower performance is heath (during the week I train before 6 am so it’s colder than having to run from 8:30 am on) but I am afraid the training load could be playing a part too. So I decided to take it easy and see if it will improve my training tomorrow.
Do I feel guilty about not training? Yes. But do I feel as guilty as I would have felt a month ago? No, I can feel it’s gotten better.
My ED brain of course was telling me to eat less today, as I did not train. I tried not to listen to it, restricting very very little - we’re talking a few grams, not much. Enough to shut the voice in my head, not enough to hinder my energy levels for tomorrow.
One of the thing I find more difficult is to “understand” my body’s messages. For example I ate grapes this afternoon and felt quite bloated and as if I had exaggerated with the amount I had. But after a while I was feeling hungry! And I don’t understand how that could be possible, since I even paired them with 10 grams of pistachios (my dietician always had me pairing fruit with nuts in order to increase the sensation of fullness and avoid sugar level crushing and increase hunger after having just fruit/carbs). So it is really confusing and frustrating and difficult to try to “trust” my body and its hunger clues if they’re not reliable…
Anyway, I hope you had another great day and I’ll read you tomorrow! Sending lots of love
@Turtleonmyleftarm
Sounds like a nice relaxing Sunday! I can relate to you (again) in so many ways! I have noticed it getting much cooler in the mornings, which is nice, but it takes more motivation to get out and running.
I am really proud of you for listening to your body and using the day to recover. I really need to take that note... (I plan on listening to the recovery/rest podcast today). Even better is how you feel less guilty than you had before. Despite it still being there, this is still a big victory!
Grapes and pistachios sound like a great treat! I am with you though and not sure as to why that might have given you a bloated sensation. Perhaps the water content of the grapes? Sorry that you had those feelings, but great job in still eating!
Hopefully with some more time and consistency your (and my) hunger cues will be more reliable. It could be many different things that our minds are telling us, but as you said the key is trust. You work your butt off during the week and have excellent runs/workouts! Your body will appreciate the rest/healthy snacks in the end.
Great job Turtle! I hope you have a great week!
We should plan on setting some more "victory treats" for ourselves! I have a few in mind for surviving this month and school starting back up.
@Turtleonmyleftarm,
Hi, @Turtle. Hello. It sounds like you've had a couple of good days. I love the idea of a new normal. I have to tell you that after my two spinal cord surgeries and the ensuing disabilities that I was left with, and the impact that it had on my life and my wife's life, we couldn't do what we had normally done. I couldn't ride my motorcycles, and we couldn't take trips and so forth. We too used the term "new normal" for our lives, and we had to find different things to do. So yes, new normal is a good way to think about things.
I have to tell you that my physical therapist always told me that a day not training or exercising is okay. It's a good day. We should not feel guilty. I don't know what it is, but you ate grapes yesterday, that's Saturday. And today I had raisins, not much different. It's good you were feeling hungry. You had pistachios, and I had walnuts. I always love nuts and raisins. It's one of my favorite things, and I always put on weight when I was eating it. So I'm trying to get back in the habit of eating it again.
It's interesting that your dietician is having you pair fruit with nuts to increase the sensation of fullness. So you and I should both feel better about this. Sounds like a good weekend. Keep up the good work. You're doing great.
Sat 8/24
Woke up a bit tired but my workout woke me up and got me through the morning. I have a usual full body circuit that I do on weekends and I have noticed some of my rep counts improving! I then do a 5k run, not at a super challenging pace, but decent.
The remainder of the day was not anything too crazy and I did some extra reading and played some old video games. While I'm not a huge video game player, I have begun to find them much more enjoyable and "relax" with them like I used to. I began to just think of them as I'm being lazy or I should be doing so many other things, but I allowed myself to just sit back and relax. I even beat a "boss" on the game that I never thought I would! So a little nerd victory there!
Food choices were all good. Hard to believe that August will be through in a couple of days and this has been my "best" month in a long time as far as diet is concerned. It feels great, but I have noticed it is like another "mental workout" that I have to think about. But at least I'm making small steps to progress.
I just need to keep believing in myself, allowing myself to do things again like video games and not focus on "burning" calories every minute.
Hi Phoenix,
I am so glad you’ve had another good day and that you’re starting to allow yourself to relax and play! And forest job beating the games’ boss! May I ask you what you’re playing at? I am sure I don’t know the game but I’m curious anyway…
I understand what you mean by seeing this as another mental workout. Let’s just hope that sticking to it, it will become another source of energy and motivation as your physical workouts, and they will become normal and something you will do everyday and naturally…
Thanks! The game is called RuneScape. It's an online game and my account is a good 15 + years old haha. It has a big community of people that play and updates frequently.
I'm hopeful as well that like you said, sticking to it will make it more natural. I guess that's really how anything is at first, I just never thought I would have to apply it to eating. But we are all on our own journey of discovery ❤️
Accountability for Sunday 25th
I don’t know if it was a placebo effect, or the fact that I didn’t train yesterday, or not restricting carbs yesterday night. But my run today went better than the other Sundays! I managed to run all 12 k without having to do walk breaks and feeling quite good after.
I snacked on a peach and then got home for lunch, and didn’t restrict. I even had my afternoon snack, even if I knew what was going to wait for me for dinner…
In the afternoon we went horse riding. I used to ride horses when I was a little kid, my husband never did it and was actually a little scared of horses, but this year he said he wanted to try so I organised this small lesson + ride around a park for him. I was very proud of him for getting out of his comfort zone and try something new. So I did too, for him. We “celebrated” his accomplishment by going to a pizza place and we got two normal pizzas, I didn’t get my safe option with vegetables without cheese, and we shared them. Half and half. With the cheese, the sausage, all of the unhealthy stuff normal people get. Now I don’t feel at my best, I cannot lie. But it’s the kind of discomfort that I think it’s probably normal when people go out and gets that kind of food… I am telling myself it’s just normal and that one meal will not change me. During the week I have probably been eating less than I should have, so this meal is probably just going to even out my caloric intake for the week.
I am glad I already prepared breakfast and lunch for tomorrow, so I will not be able to listen to my ED brain that will tell me to restrict.
And that’s it for this week from me 😊
Wow what an incredible day!
I just finished the podcast on rest days, and it sounds like the success with your run is exactly what they were talking about. How giving yourself that time to recover actually helps in the term. Amazing job!
Then horseback riding and enjoying some of your old "fun" activities. That really warms my heart and I'm so happy that you had this day. Pizza and all!
I'm glad you recognized that while you don't feel your best, that's a normal thing and you're right that "other" people likely do feel it. The thing is they just don't attach it so closely to their image or emotions. You've really worked on your approach to your diet, your emotions with food, and your commitment to healing.
YOU ARE AWESOME!! It is also inspiring me to start planning rest days... I can't remember the last one I had when I truly relaxed...
Great job Turtle! I'm so proud of you!
Very quick accountability report on Sunday, August 25th, around 6:20 PM my time.
I've been eating pretty well. I would say 90 to 95% of everything in front of me.
I've held back on some protein shakes the last two days, but have had cashews and raisins yesterday, one-eighth of a cup each, small amounts. And today, walnuts and raisins. Nuts and raisins are a big favorite.
We are so mired in cleaning up the house and packing and getting ready to move that it's unbelievably tiring and just crazy, physically demanding to the point that one would think that I'm losing weight, but I'm not.
My weight is steady. My diet is steady. My primary care physician is happy with what I'm eating.
So the end of the brief report is that everything is good at this end!
Sounds like some positive news and victories for you ocean!
I'm really proud of you for your progress in eating more and am glad to hear that your physician is pleased. I'm sure that helps you feel better as well.
Hopefully after your move your stress levels will lessen and you'll adapt back to a new "normal". I really appreciated your feedback earlier about how we often need to make these "new selves".
Also glad to hear probiotics have helped some with your digestive system. I was having some of the same challenges and added some fiber mix to my drinks which has helped some, but maybe I'll look more into the probiotic supplements as well.
Keep up the good work ocean !
Hi @enigmaticOcean8813
It's amazing to read you're doing so much good progress, and in such a difficult moment of your life while moving houses, changing your care team etc.
You've taken a moment of great stress and decided to use it to tackle also the stress of your anorexia and cover both things at the same time! And you're having amazing results! Great job!!! I am really in awe at what you're doing, in moments of stress I would probably react in a bad way while you're really thriving. Keep up the good work!
Prebiotics - I've used them for a while during my worst ED period. I hoped they would help me solve some digestive issues I had, and I think they helped quite a lot. And in general I think they help with lots of things, so you did a great thing adding them into your daily routine. I'll remind myself to do another round of prebiotics now that fall approaches so I can move towards the colder months without having issues... Thanks for the reminder :)
Sunday Aug 25
Woke up and did my Sunday routine and a run. Went to church and came home for a walk, listening to a podcast about rest days. It really resonated with me and I know I need to work on building these into my life.
In general my workouts on Sunday are "easier" but they are still a workout and it would be nice to just have a day of no expectations and not feel guilty about it. That's where my mind would go now.
I've been doing better with my diet and no purging so finally feeling more confident on that front. Perhaps after another month or so I'll start tweaking my exercise regimen and add more full on rest days.
Otherwise the day was calm. Prepped my breakfast and lunch for the week, checked up on materials I'll need for tomorrow, and otherwise did not do much AND I didn't feel bad about that. So a small victory allowing myself to just sit, lay, and relax.
Sunday evening at the moment here, probably the new time that I'll.be checking in here with the busier days ahead. But it will give me something to look forward to hearing all your stories and being a source of support!
Hoping for a restful night and a great start to the new academic year tomorrow!
@Phoenix22k
Hi Phoenix,
Coming here and seeing your accountability thread with another good day has become my favourite moment of the day! I love to see how you're getting better and better not just with food, but also reading your thoughts and feelings, and how you've added more chances to spend time out with people.
From what I've come to understand of you and your relationship with movement, I can understand rest days will be a slightly more difficult step to include into your routine. Sport has saved your life, has been your most trusted companion during the bad times and has brought you fulfillment when nothing else seemed to help. So, just like you, I think it would be wiser for you to adjust to your "new normal" for a little longer, before you include them. But in the meanwhile, maybe you could trade one of your workouts to something less demanding that could almost pass for an active rest activity? Such as a thorough full body stretching and mobility session, or a walk. Maybe that could be a way to start doing it gradually...
Sending lots of love!
D.
@Turtleonmyleftarm
Thanks Turtle! It is also a highlight of my day coming here and reading of your success!
You are exactly right in understanding my feelings around rest. Exercise really has "saved me" and I am afraid to let off the gas and get out of rhythm. Now when I first started this journey though I did have dedicated stretch/recovery days. I just lost track of them.
I'll keep improving and when I feel a little more comfortable plan on putting them back into the routine. I know deep down they would be helpful in a variety of ways.
Thanks for making the new thread!