Accountability THread 8/19 - 8/25

@Phoenix22k

YIKES THIS SHOULD BE ACCOUNTABILITY THREAD!!!!!

I definitely did not mean to "threaten" you all! But you should join in :)
Not sure if I can update this.... @KristenHR are you able to do this? 

**Note to self, have more coffee before making new threads**

Ahahahhaa 😂 love it Phoenix 😅

Accountability for Monday, August 19th

Started my day with my “heaviest” breakfast option (oats flour and egg whites pancakes) and a short walk with the dogs, then we left for Slovenia to go sightseeing some caves. But when we got there we had the bad news all tours had already been booked for that day. So we had a small walk around the caves’ park and then went to Lipica to see the horse’s farm (they are very nice completely white horses that they breed and train for dressage) and finally we went to see “grotta gigante” (giant cave) in Trieste, so back in Italy. Actually that is an area full of caves all around the border between Italy and Slovenia so it was quite easy to find a plan B. Anyway my workout today was having several walks around, and going up and down the cave (500 steps down, 500 steps up). Even if we spent the entire day out, I brought with me snacks and lunch “according to plan” and was able to stick to it.

I just had dinner and was quite good (I used two thirds of fat, 50 out of 60 grams of carbs and all of the proteins).

All in all, I’d say it was a good day. I didn’t reduce my intake much, I didn’t feel weak or tired during the sightseeing. And even if we lost the opportunity to try local Slovenian cuisine, having my own food made me feel better and didn’t ruin my day as having lunch out did a few days ago. So I will definitely rate this day a 9!

@PeriwinklePeppermint this is the post Phoenix was telling you about

Monday 8/19

Started off the day with my chest/back workout, I was a little "nervous" to see if I would still be able to push the same weight as I did last time... and I was! Had a good run afterwards as well.

Afterwards I helped to set up the food stand my church has for the Fair in my town. It was a nice way to start to get "involved" more, meet people, and build a sense of community. I'm proud of myself for trying to "get-out" more and getting involved with things.

After that, I went to learn about a new part-time job I was considering. It involves using CAD software for a engineering group. The lead engineer is a friend of an old co-worker of mine. Despite being a little rusty with the software, she seemed impressed and wants to continue to have me help her during the week. I'm rather excited about this! I used to love drawing/designing things on CAD and had originally thought about becoming an engineer. I do love teaching, but am glad to be able to work a few hours each week on some new tasks. 

I came right home afterwards ( just like before the "drive" can be a challenge in itself). I noticed that I did not get the "steps" in for the day that I had hoped. I'm feeling a little guilty about this, but was just a bit mentally drained when I got home and just wanted to relax.

Healthy eating all around as well.

Overall I feel good about the new connections I have made, for trying new things. I feel a bit guilty about the step thing still, but just try to keep telling myself that I crushed my AM workout, had my run, and that it is okay to relax. My brain just likes to tell me I'm not good enough or that I should always be doing more.

I'll take the victories, but know there is always room to improve and that I just need to give myself grace and forgiveness.

Accountability for Tuesday 19th 

Before I start, yesterday I forgot to mention I weighted myself. I know I shouldn’t, both my therapist and the dietician said I must throw out the scale as I “must” add some weight and I must not fixate myself on the number on the scale, but I did. And even if I have been eating less strictly (both in more and less quantities) and have been sometimes seen myself fatter or felt bloated, my weight hasn’t actually changed much. I am still in my lowest weight range, 300 grams more, 300 grams less. I am quite happy for this. I think it’s probably because I am also training with more energy so I am burning more, I don’t know. Anyway I am happy - my therapists probably not so much 😂

In these days I have been thinking about you guys (Phoenix, Ocean) and about how lucky I was to “meet” you here. But I also realised I am not giving you the same amount of support/help you are giving me. I always write a lot about myself, but then when it comes to helping you I feel like I am unable to find the right words. It’s not just a matter of language barrier, I really feel like I am not as good as you are at being helpful, at giving the right support and understanding how to really give you useful inputs. I wish I could do more to show you how much I care and how much you mean to me, but I have always sucked at putting into words my feelings and keeping friends so… I guess this is just to say even if my messages sometimes convey a message that from 1 to 10 is a 3, in my heart I mean it to be an 11! 

Going back to the reason why we use this thread, nothing to say about today. Went to the gym, did some stuff around the house, ate 90% of what I had to… A positive day. 

Sending  love to you all! 

Aug 20

A pleasant start to the day with my Shoulder, Bicep, Tricept workout and run. Helped set up the fair again and got more training for my new part-time job. It has been really refreshing again to use the CAD programming ( I loved playing with it in high school) and despite it being computer work, I found myself invested in learning and that the time went by quickly.

In fact, I was working on a project well past my "snack" time I usually had, and even came home a bit later than usual. All the while I did not think of food or how "late" I was coming home. My steps were far lower than I wanted, but I actually felt like I wanted to go for a walk when I got home! Not out of guilt, but just as something healthy to do. I got home around 5:00 ( used to 3:30) and still had energy and drive to do this.

I also listened to a few more podcasts from Marcus Filly, and they have inspired me to rethink of my relationship with food. The Good/Bad carbs episode got me thinking about how I have been "labeling" food good or bad. It really is a narrative I have just put into my head and I'm going to try to stop thinking of food in this way. That being said, I know there are a few things I still want to stay clear of as I recover, but I want to be more open to experiencing foods again.

One thing I'd like to do again is start tracking my macros a little more. At least to see how much I am eating on a "typical" day and see if I can add in a little treat here and there. I used to be a very diligent tracker so I am hesitant to do this again, but I'm also in a much different frame of mind. 

*Sorry if this triggers you @Turtleonmyleftarm as I know you are trying to NOT track

I think that at least getting a baseline for myself, and have goals to "hit" for my calories/protein/carbs/fat will help me recognize what snacks I may be able to add in a healthy manner.

All to say, a great day again.

Tomorrow starts my meetings and new school year. Kids do not come back until next Monday. I will likely have to adjust my comments and postings here to the evening/afternoon. This will actually be nice and give me something to do as I close out my day.

Hope you are all doing well and have a great day!!!

Today was my last day of "summer vacation" before meetings and school begins.

Accountability report, Wednesday, August 21st, roughly 2:45 PM.

I just finished my telehealth appointment with my primary care physician. What a busy day! I interviewed the new eating disorder counselor this morning, just got home from physical therapy, and immediately the doctor called for my appointment. She has been reviewing my diet and is nominally very pleased.

Over the past two weeks, which I recorded for her and have shared with you all, I have been eating reasonably well. I've been consuming 90-95%, maybe even 100% of my goal. However, I have to be honest that last night I binged on cashews. Calorie and protein dense, it was way out of line.

Over the years, I haven't binged too many times, but last night was one of those times. I'm ashamed of it and can't get it out of my head. I don't know when I'm going to get my exercise routine in today because I wasn't able to do it this morning. We've just been so busy.

I don't know what to say about the incident. The doctor was helpful in her limited way, but I think all of you reading can understand the shame and embarrassment that comes with binging, and for me, less so with restricting.

My immediate reaction upon doing it was that I had to share it with the group. Not that I had to share it with my wife or had to share it with any of my doctors, but it was this group, this family, that I wanted to share it with or felt the need to because you understand it better than anyone.

I'm sure it'll pass with time. I'm going to try a new Pilates routine tonight, which excites me a little bit. That might make me feel a bit better after it's all over. And like Phoenix has said, I may have lost the battle, but the war is not over.

The brain may have gotten the best of me last night due to the stress of trying to pack up and move, but I will be able at some point to get control of my eating.

Aug 21

Day started with a great leg workout and run. Then my first day of in-service meetings. These went well and were not too "boring" (usually its the same thing each and every year).

It was nice to see my peers again and get back into a regular 7:20-3:00 schedule. 3:00 and the drive home is usually when ED brain kicks in, but not today. It was calm... I found myself at home and just wanting to relax some. I started playing an old video game I enjoyed and lost track of time, so much so I didn't have my little snack! Which is fine. My energy levels were good.

Dinner came and I again found success. I also found a good free macro/calorie app, Chronometer, that I put in my meals. I found that I generally eat plenty of protein, a fair amount of carbs, and that my fat intake was decently lower than the macro goals I was given. Overall, the calorie allotment was nearly right on what I should be having. So... it is no wonder why I feel good when I am eating the right things, keeping them down, and fuleing myself well.

I don't plan on using the app a ton, but I actually found some joy in tracking again. I estimated some amounts and don't plan to go back to weighing every ounce or worrying much about that, but being a numbers guy it was neat to see.

Going to play around some more with this app in the future and still focus on clean, healthy days, especially as my stress levels will likely increase next week with students.

One day at a time!

Hi Phoenix and Ocean, 

Thank you for your kind messages! I am so thankful for your support and understanding. 

I am sorry I haven’t had the chance to write you yesterday so I “lost” a few posts and if I reply to each of them I am afraid I will only cause confusion, so I am going to write this separate post. 

@enigmaticOcean8813 

I am sorry you did not click with the new therapist. It’s not easy to find the right person! They can be amazing professionals but sometimes it’s more important to have the right feeling with the person, rather than just focusing on the curriculum vitae. If you don’t think you like him/her and would not be able to open up with him/her, maybe try one or two other options. You deserve the best possible therapist to help you!

I was so happy to read in the last period you’ve been eating better and has reached a high percentage of your foods. Great job!!! 

I am sorry you had a binge episode. And I know you feel bad for it, and I would like to be able to take that pain away from you… But may I say something even if you might not believe me? I think it’s actually a step forward. I remember you once wrote you didn’t actually feel hunger as in the past, since you have been so used to not eating. I think your body has actually reset itself and is now trying to understand how to give you inputs on how much and what to eat, since it has seen that food is now (finally!) more available than before. There are going to be good days and bad days, as you will learn how to listen to your body, but you will learn. 

@Phoenix22k 

I am glad to read your day was very good and productive, and that you went on a walk because you felt like moving a bit, and not for your step count or to distract yourself from food thoughts. It’s an amazing step forward from weeks ago!!! 

I listened to that episode about carbs too. If I am not wrong, it’s the one where he mentions broccoli as a carb source. Anyway it’s true that nothing is good or bad, it’s the quantity that makes a food good or bad and there is space for everything. At the moment I am still unable to make my ED brain believe it for all foods, but I am trying, slowly day by day… 

Regarding tracking (don’t worry you do not trigger me) I used to do it using “MyFitnessPal”. I don’t know if it’s available in the US too, but it was quite easy to use so maybe it could be worth checking it out if you want an opinion to compare with Chronometer. 

It’s amazing you can use the apps to have an actual confirmation you’re eating “right” and hopefully it can also help you identify if there is something “not right for you” some days that might lead you to have bad thoughts, so you can learn how to fix those days before your ED brains gives you bad messages. In the podcast I recently heard about feeling the need to binge, for example, when he had not been eating enough protein. Or not drinking enough. So I think if you track for a while and “study” your feelings, you might be able to identify what makes your brain go “we need this or that” and help you fix your nutrition before it goes bad