Accountability THread 8/19 - 8/25

@Phoenix22k

YIKES THIS SHOULD BE ACCOUNTABILITY THREAD!!!!!

I definitely did not mean to "threaten" you all! But you should join in :)
Not sure if I can update this.... @KristenHR are you able to do this? 

**Note to self, have more coffee before making new threads**

@Phoenix22k

Corrected.  lol

Ahahahhaa 😂 love it Phoenix 😅

Accountability for Monday, August 19th

Started my day with my “heaviest” breakfast option (oats flour and egg whites pancakes) and a short walk with the dogs, then we left for Slovenia to go sightseeing some caves. But when we got there we had the bad news all tours had already been booked for that day. So we had a small walk around the caves’ park and then went to Lipica to see the horse’s farm (they are very nice completely white horses that they breed and train for dressage) and finally we went to see “grotta gigante” (giant cave) in Trieste, so back in Italy. Actually that is an area full of caves all around the border between Italy and Slovenia so it was quite easy to find a plan B. Anyway my workout today was having several walks around, and going up and down the cave (500 steps down, 500 steps up). Even if we spent the entire day out, I brought with me snacks and lunch “according to plan” and was able to stick to it.

I just had dinner and was quite good (I used two thirds of fat, 50 out of 60 grams of carbs and all of the proteins).

All in all, I’d say it was a good day. I didn’t reduce my intake much, I didn’t feel weak or tired during the sightseeing. And even if we lost the opportunity to try local Slovenian cuisine, having my own food made me feel better and didn’t ruin my day as having lunch out did a few days ago. So I will definitely rate this day a 9!

@Turtleonmyleftarm, This is great news! Glad to read a good report..  We each need to celebrate the small victories.

@Turtleonmyleftarm

Sounds like it turned into a nice day! I can imagine the first part being a little disappointing, but you made the most of it! I am sure the sights in Slovenia will be there another day, and perhaps will be less crowded the next time you try.

Sometimes these "changes" in my own schedule ED brain likes to kick in, but you seemed to have transitioned really well and still stuck to your plans! Victory indeed!

The egg-white pancakes sound delicious! I generally always make an egg omlette, 2 parts egg whites 1 egg, and love using the whites in other things.

@PeriwinklePeppermint this is the post Phoenix was telling you about

Monday 8/19

Started off the day with my chest/back workout, I was a little "nervous" to see if I would still be able to push the same weight as I did last time... and I was! Had a good run afterwards as well.

Afterwards I helped to set up the food stand my church has for the Fair in my town. It was a nice way to start to get "involved" more, meet people, and build a sense of community. I'm proud of myself for trying to "get-out" more and getting involved with things.

After that, I went to learn about a new part-time job I was considering. It involves using CAD software for a engineering group. The lead engineer is a friend of an old co-worker of mine. Despite being a little rusty with the software, she seemed impressed and wants to continue to have me help her during the week. I'm rather excited about this! I used to love drawing/designing things on CAD and had originally thought about becoming an engineer. I do love teaching, but am glad to be able to work a few hours each week on some new tasks. 

I came right home afterwards ( just like before the "drive" can be a challenge in itself). I noticed that I did not get the "steps" in for the day that I had hoped. I'm feeling a little guilty about this, but was just a bit mentally drained when I got home and just wanted to relax.

Healthy eating all around as well.

Overall I feel good about the new connections I have made, for trying new things. I feel a bit guilty about the step thing still, but just try to keep telling myself that I crushed my AM workout, had my run, and that it is okay to relax. My brain just likes to tell me I'm not good enough or that I should always be doing more.

I'll take the victories, but know there is always room to improve and that I just need to give myself grace and forgiveness.

Hi Phoenix,

Its so nice to see you had another good day!

Eating better has really given you more strength in the gym, and resting well is another very important thing. So please do not feel guilty about the steps! You had a very good day, and I am sure helping setting up the food stand has been a workout in itself too, so please see it like this: you had less steps but you’re allowing your leg muscles to relax a little bit and repair themselves and grow, to allow you a better workout tomorrow.

I also love how you’re expanding your community and getting more involved in stuff that will give you more purpose, motivation and “things to do” that will take the attention out of food, in favour of other better things. The YA community, the old gentlemen’s biography, this part time new job… The more you keep yourself active and find new things you love, the more this will become important for you and will take the place that until today was occupied by binging.

I am so proud of you!!!

Accountability for Tuesday 19th 

Before I start, yesterday I forgot to mention I weighted myself. I know I shouldn’t, both my therapist and the dietician said I must throw out the scale as I “must” add some weight and I must not fixate myself on the number on the scale, but I did. And even if I have been eating less strictly (both in more and less quantities) and have been sometimes seen myself fatter or felt bloated, my weight hasn’t actually changed much. I am still in my lowest weight range, 300 grams more, 300 grams less. I am quite happy for this. I think it’s probably because I am also training with more energy so I am burning more, I don’t know. Anyway I am happy - my therapists probably not so much 😂

In these days I have been thinking about you guys (Phoenix, Ocean) and about how lucky I was to “meet” you here. But I also realised I am not giving you the same amount of support/help you are giving me. I always write a lot about myself, but then when it comes to helping you I feel like I am unable to find the right words. It’s not just a matter of language barrier, I really feel like I am not as good as you are at being helpful, at giving the right support and understanding how to really give you useful inputs. I wish I could do more to show you how much I care and how much you mean to me, but I have always sucked at putting into words my feelings and keeping friends so… I guess this is just to say even if my messages sometimes convey a message that from 1 to 10 is a 3, in my heart I mean it to be an 11! 

Going back to the reason why we use this thread, nothing to say about today. Went to the gym, did some stuff around the house, ate 90% of what I had to… A positive day. 

Sending  love to you all! 

Actually Tuesday 20th not 19th 😂

@Turtleonmyleftarm,

@Turtle, I beg to differ. I think you give us quite a bit of support just by being here. Let's not forget, you were the one who reached out first and started the group. Phoenix and I had responded to you. I feel more comfortable discussing my issues with the two of you than with anyone else. I want you to know that you are being helpful and providing the right support and understanding.

By comparison, I just got off the phone interviewing a possible new therapist. I'm not so enthusiastic about it. When I compare what she had to say to the kinds of raw, detailed discussions that we have here, this is much more valuable to me. One, to know that I'm not alone. And two, to know that I have the support. I'm so glad to hear that you had a positive day.

The funny thing is that I've been confused about the actual date, too, because we are in the process of moving, as I may have mentioned. We're busy packing and throwing things out. I've just completely lost track of time, all the while trying to eat. But I do want you to know that you are here for us, and it's greatly appreciated.

Hey Turtle!

I am so happy to hear that your experience on the scale was a positive one!! Do not worry I won't tell your therapist 😅

Though it may be what they directed, I think that it helps give you evidence that your changes in your diet, and eating more, are not causing you to blow up like a balloon and get "fat".

It's been so nice to cheer you on and hear of your success, and now that you have more proof that it works, from the scale, it will hopefully motivate you even more.

So I say that overall it was helpful! Just try not to hop on the scale too often and remember your victories "off the scale"

Also, you do an incredible job of supporting me turtle! I really have appreciated our connections here and conversation. You've helped me get refocused, help validate and challenge my thoughts (in positive ways) and are just amazing! Never feel bad about long or short responses. And you are doing great with the language as well! I appreciate you doing your best for us, and feel selfish not knowing more Italian to help you.

.. sei fantastico ! ( Blame Google if that is wrong )

Aug 20

A pleasant start to the day with my Shoulder, Bicep, Tricept workout and run. Helped set up the fair again and got more training for my new part-time job. It has been really refreshing again to use the CAD programming ( I loved playing with it in high school) and despite it being computer work, I found myself invested in learning and that the time went by quickly.

In fact, I was working on a project well past my "snack" time I usually had, and even came home a bit later than usual. All the while I did not think of food or how "late" I was coming home. My steps were far lower than I wanted, but I actually felt like I wanted to go for a walk when I got home! Not out of guilt, but just as something healthy to do. I got home around 5:00 ( used to 3:30) and still had energy and drive to do this.

I also listened to a few more podcasts from Marcus Filly, and they have inspired me to rethink of my relationship with food. The Good/Bad carbs episode got me thinking about how I have been "labeling" food good or bad. It really is a narrative I have just put into my head and I'm going to try to stop thinking of food in this way. That being said, I know there are a few things I still want to stay clear of as I recover, but I want to be more open to experiencing foods again.

One thing I'd like to do again is start tracking my macros a little more. At least to see how much I am eating on a "typical" day and see if I can add in a little treat here and there. I used to be a very diligent tracker so I am hesitant to do this again, but I'm also in a much different frame of mind. 

*Sorry if this triggers you @Turtleonmyleftarm as I know you are trying to NOT track

I think that at least getting a baseline for myself, and have goals to "hit" for my calories/protein/carbs/fat will help me recognize what snacks I may be able to add in a healthy manner.

All to say, a great day again.

Tomorrow starts my meetings and new school year. Kids do not come back until next Monday. I will likely have to adjust my comments and postings here to the evening/afternoon. This will actually be nice and give me something to do as I close out my day.

Hope you are all doing well and have a great day!!!

Today was my last day of "summer vacation" before meetings and school begins.

@Phoenix22k,

I'm glad you had a good day. I really appreciate your sharing the link to the Marcus Filly podcast. Had you not mentioned that to us, I never would have found it, but I am enjoying them every chance I get to listen. It's so valuable for us, for the community. I am surprised - I guess I don't really know how popular they are, but we should make an effort to let more people know about them. Tell me which number is the "Good/Bad Carb" episode so that I can find it. That would be very helpful.

I also wonder, and I pardon my ignorance, what do you mean by tracking your macros? I'm not sure what you mean by that. I'm tracking what I eat, but that's at the request or direction of my primary care physician right now. 

The important thing is that you had a great day yesterday, and today started a new school year for you. I'm glad you have a few in-service days before the kids come back and a chance to adjust your schedule. I look forward to hearing from you shortly.

@enigmaticOcean8813

Hey ocean! So the "Good/bad Carbs" episode aired on April 5th. I'm using Pocketcasts as my app, so am not sure how yours might organize them.

I have found the podcast enlightening, and also encouraging. Marcus seems to have struggled with some of the same ED thoughts I have had. He talks about going through a period of time when he thought all carbs were bad, and some of the other thoughts he had around food and exercise. The guy is really fit still but has adopted a new approach to eating and thinking. I find his words helpful.

Macros, are the makeup of the calories we eat. So Protein/Carbs/Fat. How these are divided up in your diet can lead to muscle gain/loss (protein), adjust our energy levels (carbs) and promote good general health and energy (fats). There are many different plans for macros out there and can be tailored to one's needs.

For example, I used his calculator and found that I should aim for 155g protein, 191g carbs, and 128g fat. A nutrition app/calculator can help with this but you have to log in your meals and sometimes estimate some quantities.

I'm going to look into the best app to do that, one I used to use was free but now is not. I also do not want to focus too much on it, but just get a general "sense" of how I'm doing.

Hope that helps! 

Accountability report, Wednesday, August 21st, roughly 2:45 PM.

I just finished my telehealth appointment with my primary care physician. What a busy day! I interviewed the new eating disorder counselor this morning, just got home from physical therapy, and immediately the doctor called for my appointment. She has been reviewing my diet and is nominally very pleased.

Over the past two weeks, which I recorded for her and have shared with you all, I have been eating reasonably well. I've been consuming 90-95%, maybe even 100% of my goal. However, I have to be honest that last night I binged on cashews. Calorie and protein dense, it was way out of line.

Over the years, I haven't binged too many times, but last night was one of those times. I'm ashamed of it and can't get it out of my head. I don't know when I'm going to get my exercise routine in today because I wasn't able to do it this morning. We've just been so busy.

I don't know what to say about the incident. The doctor was helpful in her limited way, but I think all of you reading can understand the shame and embarrassment that comes with binging, and for me, less so with restricting.

My immediate reaction upon doing it was that I had to share it with the group. Not that I had to share it with my wife or had to share it with any of my doctors, but it was this group, this family, that I wanted to share it with or felt the need to because you understand it better than anyone.

I'm sure it'll pass with time. I'm going to try a new Pilates routine tonight, which excites me a little bit. That might make me feel a bit better after it's all over. And like Phoenix has said, I may have lost the battle, but the war is not over.

The brain may have gotten the best of me last night due to the stress of trying to pack up and move, but I will be able at some point to get control of my eating.

@enigmaticOcean8813

I'm really glad that you had the opportunity to meet up with your new dietician and that they were pleased! Also, I am really proud of you for the success you have been having and for being 90-100% on your diet. Hopefully more good news and some goals can come from your nutritionist. I know that the thought of having to "start new" was bothering you, but again you are so strong to look into this so quickly with your move.

Ahhh cashews! Nuts and peanuts, oh my they are so tasty! But very caloric dense, and the feeling after you eat too many, oh I know that feeling well. Stuffed, I'm guessing some bloating, the idea of "feeling fat". I can think back to that feeling many times and empathize with you. Then the shame for doing so comes in, it's not a fun place to be.

Thanks for sharing this with us and know we are here to cheer you on. The battle was a loss, but you have been doing very well overall. Try to think of it as a lesson on how you feel and use that to maybe curb the temptation next time. 

I also love how you called us "family" and it brought a tear to my eye. Prior to this group I felt totally alone in my struggles. I never thought other people had this much struggle with ED's and have the same thoughts/behaviors that I do. I know now that I was wrong, and have never been happier to be so.

I'm here cheering you on and always look forward to reading your posts!

@Phoenix22k, we are a family. No doubt about it.  

Aug 21

Day started with a great leg workout and run. Then my first day of in-service meetings. These went well and were not too "boring" (usually its the same thing each and every year).

It was nice to see my peers again and get back into a regular 7:20-3:00 schedule. 3:00 and the drive home is usually when ED brain kicks in, but not today. It was calm... I found myself at home and just wanting to relax some. I started playing an old video game I enjoyed and lost track of time, so much so I didn't have my little snack! Which is fine. My energy levels were good.

Dinner came and I again found success. I also found a good free macro/calorie app, Chronometer, that I put in my meals. I found that I generally eat plenty of protein, a fair amount of carbs, and that my fat intake was decently lower than the macro goals I was given. Overall, the calorie allotment was nearly right on what I should be having. So... it is no wonder why I feel good when I am eating the right things, keeping them down, and fuleing myself well.

I don't plan on using the app a ton, but I actually found some joy in tracking again. I estimated some amounts and don't plan to go back to weighing every ounce or worrying much about that, but being a numbers guy it was neat to see.

Going to play around some more with this app in the future and still focus on clean, healthy days, especially as my stress levels will likely increase next week with students.

One day at a time!

@Phoenix22k,

Phoenix,

I tried using the Chronometer app today and found it a bit difficult because it was hard for me to identify the foods I was eating. We had sold the house, so my wife and I had to leave this morning and went out for breakfast. I couldn't find the foods I was actually eating in the list, and there was nothing really very close. I didn't know how to enter it.

I'll have to see if I can find the one that Turtle mentioned, MyFitnessPal.

What I did like about Chronometer was that you could count the number of glasses of water. Another nice feature was that you could set it up to read barcodes to identify foods that weren't in the list. However, this morning we had gone to a breakfast place where they had small quiches that were really for one to two people that we shared, and it was impossible to identify the fact that I had one-quarter of this quiche.

I haven't given up on it. I really like it, and it's much easier than writing down a list for my primary care physician, which is the way I have been doing it.

So, thank you very much for the reference, but I'll take a look for MyFitnessPal as well. There is a lot of good in the app, and I really appreciate that you've shared it with us. Thank you once again.

@enigmaticOcean8813

No problem! Sorry that you couldn't find the foods. It is tricky if you eat out. I generally eat the same things, or use estimations if I go out to eat.

Myfitnesspal did not allow me to see the "macros" such as protein/carbs/fat, unless I used the paid tier. But if you are just looking at calories it is great!

There is another one I used to use, FatSecret. But I believe they also added things behind a pay subscription.

Good luck with the move!!

Hi Phoenix and Ocean, 

Thank you for your kind messages! I am so thankful for your support and understanding. 

I am sorry I haven’t had the chance to write you yesterday so I “lost” a few posts and if I reply to each of them I am afraid I will only cause confusion, so I am going to write this separate post. 

@enigmaticOcean8813 

I am sorry you did not click with the new therapist. It’s not easy to find the right person! They can be amazing professionals but sometimes it’s more important to have the right feeling with the person, rather than just focusing on the curriculum vitae. If you don’t think you like him/her and would not be able to open up with him/her, maybe try one or two other options. You deserve the best possible therapist to help you!

I was so happy to read in the last period you’ve been eating better and has reached a high percentage of your foods. Great job!!! 

I am sorry you had a binge episode. And I know you feel bad for it, and I would like to be able to take that pain away from you… But may I say something even if you might not believe me? I think it’s actually a step forward. I remember you once wrote you didn’t actually feel hunger as in the past, since you have been so used to not eating. I think your body has actually reset itself and is now trying to understand how to give you inputs on how much and what to eat, since it has seen that food is now (finally!) more available than before. There are going to be good days and bad days, as you will learn how to listen to your body, but you will learn. 

@Phoenix22k 

I am glad to read your day was very good and productive, and that you went on a walk because you felt like moving a bit, and not for your step count or to distract yourself from food thoughts. It’s an amazing step forward from weeks ago!!! 

I listened to that episode about carbs too. If I am not wrong, it’s the one where he mentions broccoli as a carb source. Anyway it’s true that nothing is good or bad, it’s the quantity that makes a food good or bad and there is space for everything. At the moment I am still unable to make my ED brain believe it for all foods, but I am trying, slowly day by day… 

Regarding tracking (don’t worry you do not trigger me) I used to do it using “MyFitnessPal”. I don’t know if it’s available in the US too, but it was quite easy to use so maybe it could be worth checking it out if you want an opinion to compare with Chronometer. 

It’s amazing you can use the apps to have an actual confirmation you’re eating “right” and hopefully it can also help you identify if there is something “not right for you” some days that might lead you to have bad thoughts, so you can learn how to fix those days before your ED brains gives you bad messages. In the podcast I recently heard about feeling the need to binge, for example, when he had not been eating enough protein. Or not drinking enough. So I think if you track for a while and “study” your feelings, you might be able to identify what makes your brain go “we need this or that” and help you fix your nutrition before it goes bad 

@Turtleonmyleftarm

Thanks for checking back in! MyFitnesspal I do not believe provides macros (protein/carbs/fat) unless you use the paid version now. I'll double check but I have used it in the past! It has a lot of foods registered. 

I do find that ED brain likes to chime in at certain times. I know thirst is a big thing, and it is often said that sometimes hunger/thirst are recognized similarly in the brain. The challenge is once I have "food" thoughts, or ED thoughts, it is hard to get them to quiet down.

Have had some more success, and yes it is refreshing knowing that I am on the right track... and that I can be successful and resist/face temptation.

Hi Phoenix,

yes, you probably need to pay for more precise data. I know it gives you the percentage of carbs/protein/fats in the free version but it’s not that precise…

Accountability for Wednesday 21st and Thursday 22nd 

Wednesay 

Started my day with a 9k run with five 800m sprints, I was particularly proud of myself for running such a hard training session. Then we went to my parents’ place up in the mountains, they were renting it out for a few days and asked me to take care of cleaning it up and giving the keys to the guys that rented it. Since we were quite far from home, we stopped at a restaurant to eat. I chose a dish that I knew I would have liked, even if it wasn’t the lighter option. my morning run helped me feel a little less guilty (but not completely guilt free). I avoided having my snack in the afternoon and went a little lighter on my dinner but all in all I didn’t restrict too much and didn’t feel as guilty as I would have felt in the past. I would give my day a 6 out of 10. 

Thursday 

We went sightseeing two hystorical cities about 2 hour drive from home. So we walked a lot, also uphills. My husband proposed we eat out, but I told him I wasn’t feeling confident about eating out again so we took our lunches with us. It made me feel better and I managed to eat what I was supposed to eat. When dinner time came, I couldn’t make my ED brain shut down and slightly restricted carbs and fats, but not much. 

I noticed I always restrict dinner, while breakfast is always ok, and lunch is almost always fine. So maybe I should start thinking about adding something to my breakfast to compensate? What do you think? I am afraid it will make me think I lost control, but if I add something “the morning after”, considering what I reduced the night before, maybe I could convince my brain that I am not going to blow up like a balloon? What do you think? Could this be a good strategy?

@Turtleonmyleftarm,

It's funny, @Turtle, but I am exactly the same way. I always restrict dinner. Breakfast is always okay, and lunch is always fine.

I've added calorie-dense, high-carbohydrate dark bread to my normal routine of a high-protein shake and banana. The bread was actually a gift from a graduate student I work with; his wife made it for me. This combination provides quite a bit of calories in the morning, along with a lot of protein and carbs, but then it tapers off during the day.

I don't think you've lost control, and I don't think that restricting in the evenings is so bad. I eat as much as I can in the evenings until I'm full, and then I stop, but it's not a lot. My wife must eat nearly twice as much.

You asked if this could be a good strategy. Yes, I think it's very similar to mine, and I think it's a good strategy. I don't think you're going to blow up like a balloon.

It's the way I eat, and I've been eating 95% to 100% of what I put on my plate at all three meals, plus snacks throughout the day. So I think you'll be doing fine with this strategy.

@Turtleonmyleftarm

Great workouts! The runs and sprint routine sounds tough and like you really pushed yourself. It likely had some to do with your thoughts / eating through the day. Your hard workout, and a well deserved meal (as you said not the lightest option) but then you compensated in the evening.

I think this is great. As Marcus Filly was saying on his podcast, its like we have a "bank" of calories. You felt like you used up more of your account earlier so adjusted it later in the day. I would say to give yourself more credit than a 6/10! But know that we all have our own ideas/goals. Either way I'm proud of you and think it was healthy and responsible ( assuming you ate something for dinner).

Dinner is also my "challenging time" but for different reasons. On the opposite side of the spectrum... it's when I may over-eat and say "f it" and purge. Something that has helped, aside from just generally eating better, is having a protein shake at the end of the day right before bed. It's tasty, something I enjoy, healthy, and it has not caused me to gain any "fat" or anything significant. I think it's actually one of the things that has helped me make some progress in my workouts.

So maybe think about adding in a little healthy treat for yourself. But the main thing also is just trying to conquer the fear of getting "fat".  Something we are all working on!

Keep up the good work!

Thanks for your feedback! Yes, yes, I ate that night 😉

Thank you for the idea of the healthy treat, I will definitely think about it and see if I can add it to my routine

Aug 22

Another excellent Chest/Back routine with the higher weights! Getting more confident in that I have gained some muscle. Proud of myself for doing so, and being more on-track with my diet.

School was tiring today. I had forgotten how much energy it takes to interact with so many people, not to mention get my room ready, take care of paperwork, ect. Compared to yesterday I felt very tired when I got home. I also noticed how much quicker I've been getting my steps in. I'm realizing that while it may not be a hard workout, just walking around it really does add up and contributes to energy loss.

I was tempted on the way home with the grocery stores but drove past, came home to my cat, did some cleaning, and relaxed (as I intended). It felt good.

Snack/Dinner and all were kept down.

I'm getting more comfortable with myself, but keep trying not to get "too excited" knowing that I may slip eventually. But, I also have confidence and support from you all that support me when I'm down. Thank you so much!

Feeling good, just tired, and trying to get a hang on a new routine to check in here, provide feedback, and cheer you all on.

Hope Friday has been well for you all!

Hi Phoenix,

Great job today too!

Its amazing to see you’re doing so well with your workouts and also in day to day activities. I am sorry you’re not allowing yourself to feel excited about your results because you’re really doing great! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

Aug 23

Workout/quick run, breakfast all good! Went into school earlier for a club I'm helping with but was able to leave a little earlier than a regular day which was nice.

Getting used to the "tiredness" again I typically feel after a day of teaching. It is a different kind of fatigue, one that I hope to manage better this year. I have finally been more consistent and successful over the summer, so it is time to put that practice into action as I transition back to a regular work week. I'm a bit anxious, but also excited.

I still feel "guilty" about laying down and relaxing. I even had to tell myself today JUST CHILL but my mind just wouldn't let up. It did not lead to any binges, but the feelings were strong to do so.

This weekend I'm looking forward to just relaxing and practicing that. I have some minor obligations but just want to enjoy the last two days of "summer" and be prepared for Monday.

Main goal, to not feel bad about relaxing, to let my body recover, and to not binge/purge when bored.

Hope you all are doing well!

Hi Phoenix,

Today I am “forcing” myself to not train and just chill, as I’m trying to make myself believe the importance of rest and recovery. I also listened to an episode of the podcast about that. Do you think it would help you? If so I’ll find out the number of that episode and I’ll write it to you.

Please try not to feel guilty about giving yourself some love, you absolutely deserve it for all the good work you’ve done in the last weeks!

@Turtleonmyleftarm

I hope you have had a relaxing day as well! I will try and find that episode as well. It's nice knowing that I'm not the only one who feels bad about "relaxing".

But so far it has been a great day!

Sorry my responses have been late/shorter. It has been quite a busy week!

Friday 23

Started the day with a 7 k easy run plus a 1 k walk with the dogs. Then had breakfast, did some chores around the house and baked some bread and a sweet loaf too. I used to be very good at baking cakes but completely stopped when I started having an ED and only cooked “real meals” or healthy stuff. Well, bread is healthy but we know how difficult carbs can be for us…

Anyway, I also tried a little bite of the sweet bread too, so in the end I’d say it was something that almost took me back to months and months ago…

In general there isn’t much I think I need to report about today. It wasn’t perfect, but it wasn’t bad either. It’s probably my current “new normal” I need to adjust to, before I can make new variations to my routine…

@Turtleonmyleftarm

I love how a 7k run is "easy" for you! That is awesome!!! I'm sure the dogs enjoyed a nice walk too :)

Aside from my long mud runs and obstacle course races, 5k's are plenty long for me!

I think it is a huge victory to get back into baking and having the awareness of how far you have come since you did it in the past. I am really proud of you for allowing this joy back into your life. I/we developed such a "fear" of carbs and I know it is hard to allow them back in. 

As I become comfortable with my "new normal", I am treating it like making a new friendship. With kindness, acceptance, and curiosity. Also understanding that it won't be perfect. These are challenging things, but I have found much more joy in things I used to do, as it sounds like you are as well.

Glad to hear the love you are finding for yourself again :)

Ahahah I meant easy run as in “slow run”, by no means 7 k are easy! Thank you for appreciating my return to baking, it really means a lot to me having your support. I will try to use the same approach as you, trying to see my new normal as a new friend…

@Phoenix22k,

Hi, @Phoenix. It's wonderful to hear that you've coined this phrase that I think we should all consider: "the new normal." It's true for all of us. If you read what I wrote to @Turtle, my wife and I have used it during my recovery period after my spinal cord surgeries. I'm pleased to read that you're approaching this school year by being less hard on yourself and letting yourself chill a little bit. You're probably right that if you let yourself relax, you won't have the pressure and you won't have the binge-purge cycles if and when you get bored. I guess school starts tomorrow; we'll find out. But do keep the new normal in mind. I think it's a good way of coming out of the summer and going into the school year. You've done great in that regard. Keep it up!

Accountability for Saturday 24

Today I forced myself to rest, I didn’t train or run as on Sundays I always have the “long” runs and  I’ve noticed that they never go as well as the other runs I have during the week. The main reason for the lower performance is heath (during the week I train before 6 am so it’s colder than having to run from 8:30 am on) but I am afraid the training load could be playing a part too. So I decided to take it easy and see if it will improve my training tomorrow. 

Do I feel guilty about not training? Yes. But do I feel as guilty as I would have felt a month ago? No, I can feel it’s gotten better. 

My ED brain of course was telling me to eat less today, as I did not train. I tried not to listen to it, restricting very very little - we’re talking a few grams, not much. Enough to shut the voice in my head, not enough to hinder my energy levels for tomorrow. 

One of the thing I find more difficult is to “understand” my body’s messages. For example I ate grapes this afternoon and felt quite bloated and as if I had exaggerated with the amount I had. But after a while I was feeling hungry! And I don’t understand how that could be possible, since I even paired them with 10 grams of pistachios (my dietician always had me pairing fruit with nuts in order to increase the sensation of fullness and avoid sugar level crushing and increase hunger after having just fruit/carbs). So it is really confusing and frustrating and difficult to try to “trust” my body and its hunger clues if they’re not reliable… 

Anyway, I hope you had another great day and I’ll read you tomorrow! Sending lots of love 

@Turtleonmyleftarm

Sounds like a nice relaxing Sunday! I can relate to you (again) in so many ways! I have noticed it getting much cooler in the mornings, which is nice, but it takes more motivation to get out and running.

I am really proud of you for listening to your body and using the day to recover. I really need to take that note... (I plan on listening to the recovery/rest podcast today). Even better is how you feel less guilty than you had before. Despite it still being there, this is still a big victory!

Grapes and pistachios sound like a great treat! I am with you though and not sure as to why that might have given you a bloated sensation. Perhaps the water content of the grapes? Sorry that you had those feelings, but great job in still eating!

Hopefully with some more time and consistency your (and my) hunger cues will be more reliable. It could be many different things that our minds are telling us, but as you said the key is trust. You work your butt off during the week and have excellent runs/workouts! Your body will appreciate the rest/healthy snacks in the end.

Great job Turtle! I hope you have a great week!

We should plan on setting some more "victory treats" for ourselves! I have a few in mind for surviving this month and school starting back up.