i just need to let this out
07/30
i was in a restroom yesterday at school. i sat and thought about the bread i ate for lunch. my first meal of the day. i thought i shouldn’t have eaten that bc now i feel like i can eat anything that’s in my way. then, i thought i Should eat bc food is fuel. and it hits me that whether i didn’t eat that bread or not, i would still feel miserable abt myself and my body. i didnt really have a choice but i tried my best not to cry at school and not let this affect my studies but it’s soo hard. i thought it would be easy that i would get over it once summer is done but here i am, the second day of school and cannot function well bc of all of this i just want to stop hearing the voices i was so filled with love and positivity in the past esp to myself and now im having a hard time not to look at the mirror and think too much about how visible i want my collarbones to be i check them from time to time including my shoulders. i thought that once im skinny enough, i would be happier but i dont really know tbh i just want to feel peaceful for a second
@berrysbs08
Hi Berry!
I am so sorry you're going through this.
I know how hard it is to feel this way, it drains you of all the energies and doesn't let you concentrate on anything else. It's like your brain works in a closed circuit, where nothing else than food and your body image are allowed to be in your thoughts.
But it fills me with joy reading that in the past you were able to love yourself, that you were happy and that you knew how to treat yourself with kindness. Because it means you know how to do it! It's just hidden underneath your ED voice, but it's still here. We can try to get that part of you back!
Do you know how you still know how to ride a bike, even if you haven't done it for years?
If you knew how to love yourself in the past, it's easier than learning from scratch how to do it.
So I am confident you can make it!!!!
And if you'll allow me to, I would love to help you move all the debris and boulders that are blocking the way and lead you to love yourself again. So please, write me here whatever you feel like sharing. Don't keep anything in. Let it all out.
Do you have anyone you can talk to, when your brain only gives you bad messages? Do you have the help of any loved one, or a therapist or anything?
@Turtleonmyleftarm
thank you for leaving such kind words !! it means a lot to me, really <333
unfortunately, i do not have any access to official therapy i only have this which is kind of helping me cope at the moment
i try to get better everyday and as much as possible, i do not want to put myself on too much pressure cos then i would remember the voice that was telling me back then not to eat and basically showering me with negative words to “motivate” me to fast longer
thank you again and i hope you’re having a great day !
@berrysbs08
Hi Berry,
I am sorry you don’t have access to actual therapy, but I am happy you’ve got
7cups for support.
And you’ve got me, cheerleading you and rooting for you!
It’s amazing to read you’re treating yourself with kindness and accepting to do
small but continuous steps.
You’re on the right path if you treat yourself with love!
08/02
if i were to graph how i feel about my physical appearance lately, i would end up having a very inconsistent graph with lines going upwards and downwards
there are times when i feel confident about my body i even compliment myself by saying that i look beautiful in the mirror however, there are also times when i do not feel satisfied with the way i look and it’s very scary to me how it easily changes my mood of the day one thing that i do is that i simply do not care anymore but it’s not like not caring about what other ppl think bc i know for myself that i am beautiful kind of mindset but it’s more of not caring bc im tired of constantly thinking abt the same topic in my head every single day i just simply do not gaf if that’s how i look like in the picture and if i think i do not look good in it, i do not care anymore bc it can no longer be changed thinking about it for too long takes so much from me it’s physically and mentally draining
@berrysbs08
Hi Berry,
I think that’s probably normal…
We all go through days where we actually like ourselves, and don’t like ourselves
like 10 minutes later.
And with an eating disorder it’s completely amplified.
If I can point out a “positive” thing about this, is that you’re still able to see the good in you. You can still see you’re beautiful and you can still love yourself. It’s not something we all manage to do while suffering from an ED.
So kudos to you!!! Please keep up the good work and you’ll be back to loving yourself
@Turtleonmyleftarm
thank you so much for the support ! you’re right, i also think that it’s normal to feel like that sometimes i guess i just got too tired of having to check my appearance every chance i get when i wrote this
i hope you’re also making positive comments about your body even just for a second i may not know you personally but you deserve all the positivity, kindness and care in the world if you can say things like these to other people, im absolutely sure that you can also do the same to yourself (: thank you for responding again i appreciate it a lot 🤍
@berrysbs08
I am so happy I'm helping you, even if just a little bit 🥰
Unfortunately not, I am not able to treat me with kindness or appreciate my body or my appearance. I still have a loooong way to go... I used to be the fat (really fat), clumsy and nerd girl at school, and even if a lot has changed when I grew up, my brain still makes me think I am the same girl I was then...