I hate my body
I hate my body.
I was kinda chubby as a baby and as as kid. I was honestly kinda chubby until I was about 13. The heaviest I've been is about 130 lbs/59 kg.
I'm almost 15 now. I've collectively lost about 10 lbs/4.5 kg. My weight has bee fluctuating on and off between 110 lbs/50 kg and 120 lbs/54.5 kg. I'm 5 ft 2 in/157.5 cm by the way. I've been trying to get down to 95 lbs/43 kg. It's really hard though.
I have an array of mental issues. Depression. General anxiety and severe social anxiety. Insomina. Narcolepsy. I have nightmares sometimes. I hear voices and ringing in my ears from time to time. I was clean for about 1.5 years before I started cutting again a few weeks ago. I have issues with relationships with my family, friends, and whenever I'm in a relationship, my gf. Now I have to add some eating disorder on top of it.
It's really hard. I have really big dreams. I want to be a kpop idol so badly. I'm working really hard towards it, as hard as I can. I dance and sing and workout everyday, and I practice Korean and Japanese when I can. I manifest, and I trust the Universe and whoever is guiding me. But something is wrong with my mind. I don't know what or why. Why am I sick?
I had to secretly see a therapist last year. We lost contact once school closed for covid and she switched companies though. I wonder how she's doing.
I don't like to tell people about my problems. When I was a kid, I learned to keep my problems inside, and to keep my opinions to myself. I learned that no one can be trusted. Especially when it came to my mental health. When I get really bad, I close off. I ghost people. I lie and say I'm okay. I don't talk to anyone.
I hate my body. I don't like the way I look. My body doesn't suit me. Think Nana of After School, Jennie or Lisa of BlackPink, Wheein of Mamamoo, or Gayoon of 4Minute. That's what my body is supposed to look like. Not a pretty face, a small chest, a thicker torso, thicker thighs, weirdly shaped calves (they're small and then halfway up theyre not).
I've really been trying to lose weight. Just so I can be happy with my body and wear my clothes and finally be the skinny friend and to feel beautiful. Everyone tells me that I'm beautiful and that I'm perfect as I am. But I don't feel that way. I don't. I want to feel that way. Not for you to.
Food is scary, but comforting. I like to eat. I like cooking and baking and the taste and smell and satisfaction of food. But I hate the feelings of guilt and disgust after I eat. I can't go into my bathroom to throw everything back up though, we only have one. I can't get my hands on laxatives either. I can't not eat, my friends and my mom get on me about eating way too much. I exercise a lot. But I get stressd a lot, which doesn't help too much. My depression doesn't help either, I have a bad habit of eating food for comfort. It's not good.
I don't like my body. At all. I'm working on it. Probably not all in the best ways, but I'm working on it.
@thecosmicchild27 I don't know much about Kpop, but most of those girls are like underweight, and maybe not a good thing to "strive for", if you catch my drift.
That said: My experience is that the only thing that helps is seeing a good therapist and build trust to and with him/her. I don't trust a lot of ppl. Most ppl don't know I have an ED (or my other diagnoses like schizophrenia, anxiety, depression and so f*ing on), and I rarely trust ppl, but through a therapist (for my schizophrenia) I have learned to trust her at least and get out my feelings. And you know what? That helps A LOT.
I hope you get better! If you ever wanna talk to me, connect with my listener account! 
@TheMadHatterWasHere
yeah ill definitely contact you
@thecosmicchild27 My listener's account is called @TopazPorcelain, if you ever wanna chat =)
@TheMadHatterWasHere
hey i tried searching for you and it wouldn't pull up your listener account
@thecosmicchild27 Hi now I comment with my listener's account, hopefully you can find me this way instead =)
@TopazPorcelain
it wont let me initiate a chat from your page and i can't seem to find you when i try to search for you. im pretty sure i have my settings to where listeners can initiate chats? maybe that would work
@thecosmicchild27 Hmm... weird :S
Hello, @thecosmicchild27. I read your story and It just made me tear up. I feel you. I can't necessarily say that I ever felt bad about my weight, but over time, I got the idea in my head that I shouldn't gain any more weight and that I should do whatever I can to stay like this. This made me have a series of eating disorders, along with depression and anxiety. Every time I ate, I would just go straight to the bathroom and make myself throw up. I used to feel so guilty about eating, and I still do. So I do feel you. I have days when I don't like my body either, and I look in the mirror and think that this is not how I want to look, but there are also days when I'm grateful for how many things my body is doing for me.
You said you are into kpop, right? Me too! I love it so so so much, and it really got me out of my bad place. I used to listen to BTS all day and look up at BangChan's vlives all the time. I love dancing too, and I also sing, but I can't be a kpop idol. I'm so sorry you feel bad, I really am. I wish I could make you feel better, but I know that no matter how many times I'll tell you that you are beautiful as you are, I know you won't believe me, and it's okay. Self-love is a process. And who says we have to look like models? I know that's what the society says, but why should we let it decide who and what we are?
The truth is that you are brave, and strong, and you can do whatever you set your mind up to do. I bet you are an amazing dancer, and I get that your dream is to become a kpop idol, right? I think you should let that dream fill you, and guide you to self-fulfillment. I know all your hard work will be worth it.
So I wish you all the best in the world, please don't ever give up!
Sincerely, a friend.
@ivoryAvocado9867
Thank you so much! This really made me feel better. Things have been tough, and I just need people to tell me things other than "you're beautiful" and "you're perfect as you are" and "you don't need to lose weight." Thank you for your kind words ^-^
And yeah, I love kpop! BlackPink, Mamamoo, Oh My Girl, Itzy, Loona, and Twice are definitely my favourite girl groups. I think my favourite guy groups are BTS (duh), Stray Kids, Tomorrow X Together, and Astro (though I've started listening to NCT and all the subunits, starting with 127 and Dream). Solo artists would include IU, Chung Ha, Younha, Sunmi, Holland, HyunA, and everyone in Mamamoo. I honestly can't wait to audition, I'm gonna start sending in auditions sometime between December and March (depends on the situation with covid), and hopefully I get to do in person auditions and hopefully get in. My dream company is JYP, though I also plan to audition for BigHit and RBW.
And yeah, we shouldn't let society tell us who and what we need to be. Though, my body at the moment really does not suit me. I know I'm supposed to be skinnier than I am (5'2" and 121.2 lbs/157.5 cm and 55 kg currently), and it's hard seeing all these amazing people that I look up to and knowing that I'm not that yet. My lifes purpose is to help make people happy and to just help people in general, and the way for me to do that is by being up on a stage, singing and dancing with my friends. I want to be like the people I look up to, I want to be something more than a teenager in their bedroom in a smallish town in WA, USA on some random rainy day. I want to be more than I am, and not just body-wise.
I'm really not that good at dancing or singing. I'm working on it though, I'm really trying. Thank you ^-^
