thecosmicchild27 Member Profile

I'm scared

Disability Support / by thecosmicchild27

March 25th, 2021

...See more So idk if any of yall are spiritual or witchy or if you think that sort of sh*t is nonsense, but i do and it's a factor that plays into this also it's like 11:30 something and im tired and my tummy hurts so hardly any of this will make sense anyway just shut up and listen The other night I got the strangest and weirdest gut feeling/premonition that I was gonna go deaf or lose my hearing to some extent in the next 5-20 years. Usually whenever I think of events or see them or whatever and they haven't yet and i get this weird itch on my face/neck or a weird feeling/almost pain in my chest and/or stomach that means it'll more than likely come true. I ended up consulting my pendulum a few times, as well as my tarot cards and some fellow witchy friends, and they said it likely it would happen so now i'm freaking out because i'm a musician and a dancer and my dream is to be a kpop idol and i refuse to do anything else until i've successfully achieved my dream so no i won't make a backup plan and just yeah i'm freaking out and i'm not sure what to do if/when it does happen so um yeah some support would be nice because finding out from the divine powers of the universe is not exactly the best way to find out you'll probably lose a sense like hearing then again what is anyway um yeah hope my incoherent words made some sort of sense i'm so tired anyway yeah some support and/or advice would be nice right about now anyway imma try to go to sleep that or i'm gonna read a bunch of fanfiction because yknow escape yeah ummmmm goodnight oh yeah i dont know anyone i'm related to biologically that has hearing issues apart from my dad but that's just because of when he was in the army so um i'm pretty sure it won't be anything natural that makes my hearing go aight imma head out anyway goodnight again i'm really sorry to bother yall

My online diary (trigger warning)

Journals & Diaries / by thecosmicchild27

March 3rd, 2021

...See more *DIRECTLY REPLY TO SPECIFIC ENTRIES IF YOU WISH TO REPLY. ANY SORT OF DISCRIMINATORY LANGUAGE OR UNNECESSARY HATE WILL RESULT IN YOUR REPLY AND ACCOUNT BEING REPORTED Monday, 7 December, 2020 written from 12:45 am - 1:38 am Things have sucked. But I think they're getting better? I don't know... I've been a bit more productive sometimes i guess. Like, I've been trying to get my schoolwork done more on time and I've been writing music and singing more. I haven't been dancing as much as I should be, but I'm trying. I don't have a lot of energy for it at the moment. I feel bad though because even though I don't have the energy and I'm exhausted I should still be practicing, right? I'm almost 15 and I can barely dance and I wanna be an idol. Ironic huh? Idk. I started dancing almost a year ago and had to stop when covid started because my studio was small and had to completely close. So there went dance lessons. And I can't really learn much from the internet because I have limited space, a lot of other things I have to do, and it's not as interactive for me. I need to be able to have real time instruction and correction and stuff, too. So yeah, dance has been really hard. I am almost finished learning the choreography for "Don't Know What To Do" by BlackPink for my auditions though, so that's good. Now I just need to figure out a song to sing and likely something to rap as well. I have it narrowed down to a few songs: "Way I Am" - Anna Blue & Damien Dawn "Perfect Places" - Lorde "Dear Society" - Madison Beer Those are really some of the only songs I can decently sing and can use for an audition. I'm probably just going to do "Way I Am" and do a few things from Hamilton of English versions of a few kpop raps for the rap portion of things. Idk, at least I'm getting things finalized and stuff for this, I have to send these in soon. Like, by soon I mean in two weeks lmao. I gotta practice everything, record everything and do headshots and stuff either this weekend or next weekend. I hope one of my friends is available and able to, considering the state of the world. I really hope things go as planned I also really hope that I'll be more okay soon. I can't stand hating myself and I can't stand being so lonely and anxious and depressed and tired. I need energy. I need happy. I need nice. I'm trying, I really am. I'm trying as hard as I can to try as hard as I can. I really hope things all turn out happy soon. I hope that my dreams start being realized soon. I need this to happen. I need to be happier. I need to heal. I need to pass. I need to go to Seoul. I need this. This is what I'm living for. It most likely won't be first try, but I'll keep trying and I'll keep trying and I'll keep trying until I do make it. That's all for now. Until next time, with love Blessed Be -Akira

midnight binge

Eating Disorder Support / by thecosmicchild27

April 18th, 2021

...See more So it's currently almost one in the morning here where I live (hint, it's the land of weed, starbucks, and grunge) as I write this post, and I just had a massive binge. To be specific, this is what I ate: [edited by Anomalia to remove specifics/triggers] I was asleep from like 4:30 pm to 10 pm today so I was kinda hungry and ate a spring roll and drank some water earlier when I woke up from my nap and I've been trying to work on schoolwork but it's really stressful and so I've just sorta been f***ing off and watching true crime videos (they're really interesting and I like to study psychology sometimes as a hobby, especially that of serial killers, cult leaders, and general criminals. psychology and true crime is just really interesting to me, though I wouldn't pursue a career in either psych or criminal investigation of any kind. i just find it cool) and I went to go get water and as I'm drinking it I'm suddenly hungry even though I'm not and so uh yeah I ended up binging and I feel absolutely disgusted with myself as I type out this post. Yayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy Honestly I wish losing weight and having a good relationship with food was easier. I'd be [edited] pounds already if it was easier for me, but for some reason it's not and no matter what I do I seem to stay about [edited] lbs. I hate it and I want to be skinny. Like skinny skinny. I'm gonna start a month long diet next week (though Halloween is an exception cause my gf is coming over to watch scary movies and eat candy and we're gonna be Catra and She-Ra and it's gonna be cute) and I'm really hoping that I do actually start seeing results. Who knows though? Maybe if I can't lose it now I can lose it when I finally move to Seoul sometime in the next one or two years. I'm really excited for that day because not only will I be training there to live out my dreams as an idol, I'll finally be free from so much of what's been keeping me down (mostly toxic people and relationships, and I get to start over from scratch on my life and how I present myself). Honestly I don't know why I have this weird relationship with food. It sorta came about around the same time I started showing more symptoms of bipolar. Idk. Tbh I hope I'm eventually able to get better with food and weight and body image stuff. It sucks right now... I'll get through it though, right?

Do I have bipolar disorder?

General Support / by thecosmicchild27

October 1st, 2020

I hate my body

Eating Disorder Support / by thecosmicchild27

September 25th, 2020

...See more I hate my body. I was kinda chubby as a baby and as as kid. I was honestly kinda chubby until I was about 13. The heaviest I've been is about 130 lbs/59 kg. I'm almost 15 now. I've collectively lost about 10 lbs/4.5 kg. My weight has bee fluctuating on and off between 110 lbs/50 kg and 120 lbs/54.5 kg. I'm 5 ft 2 in/157.5 cm by the way. I've been trying to get down to 95 lbs/43 kg. It's really hard though. I have an array of mental issues. Depression. General anxiety and severe social anxiety. Insomina. Narcolepsy. I have nightmares sometimes. I hear voices and ringing in my ears from time to time. I was clean for about 1.5 years before I started cutting again a few weeks ago. I have issues with relationships with my family, friends, and whenever I'm in a relationship, my gf. Now I have to add some eating disorder on top of it. It's really hard. I have really big dreams. I want to be a kpop idol so badly. I'm working really hard towards it, as hard as I can. I dance and sing and workout everyday, and I practice Korean and Japanese when I can. I manifest, and I trust the Universe and whoever is guiding me. But something is wrong with my mind. I don't know what or why. Why am I sick? I had to secretly see a therapist last year. We lost contact once school closed for covid and she switched companies though. I wonder how she's doing. I don't like to tell people about my problems. When I was a kid, I learned to keep my problems inside, and to keep my opinions to myself. I learned that no one can be trusted. Especially when it came to my mental health. When I get really bad, I close off. I ghost people. I lie and say I'm okay. I don't talk to anyone. I hate my body. I don't like the way I look. My body doesn't suit me. Think Nana of After School, Jennie or Lisa of BlackPink, Wheein of Mamamoo, or Gayoon of 4Minute. That's what my body is supposed to look like. Not a pretty face, a small chest, a thicker torso, thicker thighs, weirdly shaped calves (they're small and then halfway up theyre not). I've really been trying to lose weight. Just so I can be happy with my body and wear my clothes and finally be the skinny friend and to feel beautiful. Everyone tells me that I'm beautiful and that I'm perfect as I am. But I don't feel that way. I don't. I want to feel that way. Not for you to. Food is scary, but comforting. I like to eat. I like cooking and baking and the taste and smell and satisfaction of food. But I hate the feelings of guilt and disgust after I eat. I can't go into my bathroom to throw everything back up though, we only have one. I can't get my hands on laxatives either. I can't not eat, my friends and my mom get on me about eating way too much. I exercise a lot. But I get stressd a lot, which doesn't help too much. My depression doesn't help either, I have a bad habit of eating food for comfort. It's not good. I don't like my body. At all. I'm working on it. Probably not all in the best ways, but I'm working on it.

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