Can't see what I'm doing to myself but others can

This is something I've always avoided talking about because I never really felt it was a problem, or maybe I was just too scared. I'm still scared. This is probably going to be a big ramble since I kind of just want to get things off my chest and reflect. Before, I was surviving just fine and that was enough for me to avoid talking about it. But I think about it everyday whether I want to or not. I feel like it's a subconscious thing at this point. I'm not sure if I can go on like this anymore. But at the same time, I can't stop, and maybe I secretly don't want to. There is no easy path for me to choose.

Here I am, feeling hungry but refusing to eat anything because I had breakfast a few hours ago and more time needs to pass before I can let myself eat again. It's stupid how often I do things like this. It's a daily/hourly thing. I'm hungry but I refuse to eat to avoid feeling like a fat pig. I shouldn't have eaten breakfast, I've always made it my plan to only allow myself 1 meal a day and here I am wanting to have another. Sometimes I can't sleep because I'm so hungry but I still won't eat. And then sleep comes and when I wake up the hunger is gone. That means I will wait until the evening to eat something. Sometimes I think that eating bigger portions will make me last a bit longer without the hunger but I know I can't eat bigger portions. I'll either just leave food or finish it all only to feel physically sick. I'm unable to eat more. I don't know if this is just all in my head or if I've messed up my body.

I never thought about this much until I met my best friend over summer and she pointed out how little I eat. I know it worried her. I could tell by the way she looked at me and the way she made sure I ate throughout the day. She didn't let me starve myself. She bought me food. She shared her's with me. I wish she didn't have to worry about me this way.

I think I've always hated myself. The earliest I remember dieting is age 6. It didn't really made a difference. I ate a lot of unhealthy snacks and I remember the time when my parents called me fat for the first time very well. They used to make fun of my weight. Then once I reached high school I had bullies telling me I was fat which only made me feel worse on top of my own negative thoughts. Then when I entered sixth form I got way stricter with myself and I guess the habits stuck. My parents stopped calling me fat at this point and started calling me skinny. I had to buy an entire new wardrobe for myself because all of my clothes were 2 sizes too big for me. I had friends who used to call me fat, once I started losing weight they couldn't stop commenting on how skinny I was. They weren't compliments. They were criticisms and judgements. My weight became a huge focus of conversation with them. Everyday they talked about how skinny I was. I've even had strangers tell me that I'm skinny. I don't think there is any weight or appearance that will make me feel less self conscious. I will always be worried about how I look.

So here I am now, wanting to enjoy my life but feeling too stuck. Wishing to be happy but not being able to.

I wish I could talk to someone but I don't know if I can. There is no one I trust to talk to either (which is why people make big public posts right?) I can't even admit the possibility of me having an ED. In my head i'm just dieting and taking care of myself. But I don't think others would agree. I don't think I could handle talking to a professional about this either. I can't handle another diagnosis on top of my severe depression and anxiety diagnoses'. I don't want to confront these feelings but it's hard not to when I think about this stuff so much every day.

If anyone does in fact read this, I am very sorry that this post exists. I'm ashamed of it but my thoughts are so overwhelming right now that I don't know what else to do.