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discreetAcres6234
3,625 M Seeking Light 2
PathStep 72 Compassion hearts305 Forum posts283 Forum upvotes417 Current upvotes417 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2019 Member sinceAugust 26, 2015
Bio
Hello, I am a 22 year old living in England. Graduated from University.

I love to write, watch movies/tv shows, and listen to music. These things keep me sane.

Life has been challenging, to say the least, but I keep marching forward.
Recent forum posts
Forgetting how it feels
Depression Support / by discreetAcres6234
Last post
 January 28th, 2017
...See more Let me start this off by saying, hi, haven't seen you in a while. The reason why I haven't really been around is because I got so swept up in life that it almost distracted me away from depression. Almost. There were times when I completely forgot what it felt like to be depressed, to have those dark days where everything felt hopeless and giving up and giving in felt like the only way. There were even times when I thought maybe I wasn't depressed at all because the world didn't feel like it was ending. But it's still here. It may not be here in such extreme ways as it was before but it still lies beneath the surface and creeps up on me. I notice it in small things. Things like feeling completely drained and unmotivated to do things I enjoy. Isolating myself on bad days where things go wrong. Making and breaking plans because I'm either tired or feel like it will be mentally draining. Not sleeping enough. Sleeping too much. Depression hasn't left. The difference is that I don't allow it to consume me in darkness anymore. I'm not sure at what point I stopped letting it consume me and fought back, but it seems like I did. It feels like I've gained some control over my life. I guess i'm just trying to say that things do get better little by little. The change isn't dramatic or completely life altering, but it is progress. Life stops feeling like a battle and starts feeling like an actual life. All you can do is keep going with hope in your heart and a little determination. To anyone struggling out there, keep at it. Depression may feel like a monster but the beast can be tamed if you can be patient with yourself. Love always - DA
The future exists
Depression Support / by discreetAcres6234
Last post
 January 14th, 2016
...See more Ever since I started university I haven't been able to stop thinking about one thing. I keep thinking back to when I was 16 and secondary school was ending. It was the first time I really had to think about the future because I honestly didn't believe I had one, and by that I mean I thought I wouldn't be alive at that point. Finishing school was not an idea that really occurred to me. Then sixth form began and I was doing a bunch of classes while also having people around me talking about university and future plans and what they want to do. I guess I always had interests but I never really considered any future so it was hard for me to try to make plans when it struck me so suddenly that the future exists and it's happening now. Flash forward to now. I'm in university. I love my classes. I love what I'm learning. And it just keeps hitting me that I'm alive and doing things that I didn't think possible 3 years ago. I'm close to turning 20 which is a terrifying thought because it just sounds so grown up and I don't feel ready to accept that. I don't feel grown up, I don't feel much different, I'm still depressed, I still have doubts about the future. But somehow I managed to make it here. I have no idea how I did that. When I was young the idea of getting older was unappealing. I didn't want to get older, I didn't want to try navigating my way through life because it looked hard. But the way I've gotten through it all can only be summed up in one quote: Just keep swimming. That's what I've been doing this whole time, trying to swim through it all because I can't let myself drown. I'm not even sure what I'm trying to say here. Just that life keeps going even if you think it'll stop I guess. I have too much reflection time.
Wintertime Sadness
Depression Support / by discreetAcres6234
Last post
 February 4th, 2016
...See more Since it is December 1st and the real countdown to Christmas has begun, I thought I'd make a post for anyone who does not feel in the holiday spirit. It is a hard time for many of us so I think it's important to talk about. Everyone has this fantasy of it being a wonderful time of year. Even though this is the saddest time of the year for me, I still fantasize about what I would like Christmas to be in the future. I imagine a beautiful tree with twinkly lights and unique ornaments that shine. I imagine a warm fireplace and fuzzy socks. I imagine Christmas movies and songs. But most of all, I imagine a warm, loving family and loads of cuddles and joy. The sad thing about my idea of family is that I do not see my own family in that equation, I see a different family that I have created for myself, a group which I choose to call my family. Reality isn't like that. Reality feels cold and lonely. And I know I'm not the only one here. I used to think there was something very wrong with me because I could see everyone around me seemingly so warm and comfortable with the holiday season whereas I wanted it to be over. The holiday season feels like a chore to me because I can't find the enjoyment in it. I have memories of being young and dancing around my room by myself to Christmas soundtracks with tinsel wrapped all around me. We only had a tiny tree at the time so I had plenty of tinsel to play with. I didn't feel lonely because I had an imaginary friend for company. A few years later we finally bought a good sized tree and decorated it together. The years that followed after that were different. My parents didn't see the point in putting the tree up just to take it back down again so I did it all by myself. Some years I didn't put the tree up at all because it started to feel pointless. Then new year would come along and I would have to stop myself from crying when it hit midnight because the thought of the years passing so fast was too much to handle. And I was also plagued by the thought of having to survive another year. I have no idea what this year will bring. I am no longer living at home so already there is a big change in the way the holiday season is going. I will be going home for the holidays in 14 days and have already made plans to meet up with my friends from school to catch up and celebrate together. Most of all, I'm excited to see my cat. There are many reasons why people could feel sad this season so for all of you out there who are feeling sad and lonely, it's okay, you're not alone in this, I understand. When happiness is such a huge holiday expectation, it sets us up for feelings of sadness and inadequacy in some shape or form. Some of us may have imperfect holidays, some may be missing someone at the dinner table, some may not be celebrating at all, some may feel unloved and alone. No matter what the reason is, it's okay to feel that way. It's okay to feel like there is no reason to be celebrating. The best thing you can do for yourself this year is to not let that consume you. Seek out support, watch a silly movie, listen to cheerful songs, whatever you need to get through it, just make sure that you do get through. Lots of love and cuddles to all of you out there - DA :)
Can't see what I'm doing to myself but others can
Eating Disorder Support / by discreetAcres6234
Last post
 December 26th, 2015
...See more This is something I've always avoided talking about because I never really felt it was a problem, or maybe I was just too scared. I'm still scared. This is probably going to be a big ramble since I kind of just want to get things off my chest and reflect. Before, I was surviving just fine and that was enough for me to avoid talking about it. But I think about it everyday whether I want to or not. I feel like it's a subconscious thing at this point. I'm not sure if I can go on like this anymore. But at the same time, I can't stop, and maybe I secretly don't want to. There is no easy path for me to choose. Here I am, feeling hungry but refusing to eat anything because I had breakfast a few hours ago and more time needs to pass before I can let myself eat again. It's stupid how often I do things like this. It's a daily/hourly thing. I'm hungry but I refuse to eat to avoid feeling like a fat pig. I shouldn't have eaten breakfast, I've always made it my plan to only allow myself 1 meal a day and here I am wanting to have another. Sometimes I can't sleep because I'm so hungry but I still won't eat. And then sleep comes and when I wake up the hunger is gone. That means I will wait until the evening to eat something. Sometimes I think that eating bigger portions will make me last a bit longer without the hunger but I know I can't eat bigger portions. I'll either just leave food or finish it all only to feel physically sick. I'm unable to eat more. I don't know if this is just all in my head or if I've messed up my body. I never thought about this much until I met my best friend over summer and she pointed out how little I eat. I know it worried her. I could tell by the way she looked at me and the way she made sure I ate throughout the day. She didn't let me starve myself. She bought me food. She shared her's with me. I wish she didn't have to worry about me this way. I think I've always hated myself. The earliest I remember dieting is age 6. It didn't really made a difference. I ate a lot of unhealthy snacks and I remember the time when my parents called me fat for the first time very well. They used to make fun of my weight. Then once I reached high school I had bullies telling me I was fat which only made me feel worse on top of my own negative thoughts. Then when I entered sixth form I got way stricter with myself and I guess the habits stuck. My parents stopped calling me fat at this point and started calling me skinny. I had to buy an entire new wardrobe for myself because all of my clothes were 2 sizes too big for me. I had friends who used to call me fat, once I started losing weight they couldn't stop commenting on how skinny I was. They weren't compliments. They were criticisms and judgements. My weight became a huge focus of conversation with them. Everyday they talked about how skinny I was. I've even had strangers tell me that I'm skinny. I don't think there is any weight or appearance that will make me feel less self conscious. I will always be worried about how I look. So here I am now, wanting to enjoy my life but feeling too stuck. Wishing to be happy but not being able to. I wish I could talk to someone but I don't know if I can. There is no one I trust to talk to either (which is why people make big public posts right?) I can't even admit the possibility of me having an ED. In my head i'm just dieting and taking care of myself. But I don't think others would agree. I don't think I could handle talking to a professional about this either. I can't handle another diagnosis on top of my severe depression and anxiety diagnoses'. I don't want to confront these feelings but it's hard not to when I think about this stuff so much every day. If anyone does in fact read this, I am very sorry that this post exists. I'm ashamed of it but my thoughts are so overwhelming right now that I don't know what else to do.
Being a superhero
Depression Support / by discreetAcres6234
Last post
 November 17th, 2015
...See more Today was a rough day. The kind of day where you reflect a lot on the past and think about the present. I started thinking about my need to save those around me. I have done this so often. All I do is put others first because I want to help them, no matter how badly it hurts me. It got me thinking about an old friend of mine. She was so much like me, we clicked just like that because of our struggles. But it wasn't equal or balanced. It was all about her. My struggles and tough times were pushed aside by her whereas I had to do everything to help her no matter how I felt. My feelings did not matter in the equation. But that's not all I did. I gave her money and bought her food so she wouldn't starve herself. I wasn't in a place to give her money, my family was struggling. But I gave it to her because she asked me for it. I gave it to her to try and help her, to save her. I starved myself so she could eat. Looking back I know it was stupid. I also knew that she was just using me. No matter how genuine she seemed, I knew that she just wanted someone to make her feel noticed and valuable. And then she got herself a boyfriend and all of a sudden I wasn't needed anymore. I never really thought about it in this way before but now I see it clearly, I see how truly replaceable I was to her. It was never about me as a person, she was only interested in what I had to offer. I have felt guilty for a long time thinking about how I cut her out of my life. I felt like I had abandoned her. I have no idea how she is doing, if she is well, if she is happy. And I felt as if anything bad that may happen would be my fault for not helping. I tried to be a superhero. I just never knew what that would take from me. I still think about her sometimes. I wonder if there was ever a time when I really mattered. In the end I think she made me into a superhero. Except I'm not saving her, I chose to try and save myself instead.
Lost Girl
Depression Support / by discreetAcres6234
Last post
 November 16th, 2015
...See more I've been feeling very lost lately. Although I've always felt lost I feel like I'm really thinking more about it now than I have before. I've never really understood who I am as a person. It's like there are two sides of me and I'm either one or the other on certain days. Sometimes I feel very confident and good about myself and have the courage to be very active and open with people. Other times I feel very shy and reserved and would prefer just to fade into the background. I want to be noticed but I want to be invisible. It's hard to know how other people see me because I'm not just one type of person, I change depending on what kind of day I'm having. It's very difficult to not be able to understand myself and what I want. Another reason why I feel lost is because I don't feel like I have a home. There isn't a place on this earth that I consider my home. Everything is just a place and I can't seem to find my place to fit in within these spaces. Will I ever feel like I'm where I should be? I'm not really sure how to go about dealing with these thoughts. I have no understanding of them what-so-ever.
Emotionally Muted
Depression Support / by discreetAcres6234
Last post
 November 4th, 2015
...See more Yesterday in counselling my counsellor used a very interesting term to describe me that I'd like to share with you guys. She used the term emotionally muted. This got me thinking a lot. I realised that this is a very good way to describe me and how I feel. I went all the way back to childhood and thought about this phrase. I feel like as a child I wasn't allowed to express emotions that would be considered negative. If I cried at a sad moment in a movie, my parents made fun of me. They always said that crying is a weak thing to do. Big girls don't cry. This made me feel like I needed to internalise and hide my emotions. I got good at hiding, I refused to let my parents see me sad because I knew they wouldn't be happy about it. I also feel as if I had this idea drilled into me that I shouldn't be sad because people around the world have more reasons to feel sad than I do. So I spent all my life keeping bad emotions and feelings in. I muted these feelings. I refused to let them reveal themselves. It wasn't until this summer that I realised I lacked other emotions. A friend pointed out that I never laugh at things that I find funny, I just smile a bit. It got me wondering why I don't have the natural reaction to laugh. My body just never has that reflex to laugh, it's not a natural thing to come out of me. And I felt bad because my friend said she couldn't tell if I was enjoying the movie we were watching. I was enjoying it a lot, I just don't know how to express that physically and emotionally. It's as if I muted all of my emotions in order to become invisible. No one notices a person who fades into the background. Sometimes it's easier to be invisible but I know I want to be visible. Everyone wants to feel noticed and valuable. So that's where I am now, trying to understand how to feel emotions and express them like a non-muted person would. It seems impossible at this point but who knows, maybe I'll learn to laugh again
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