Binge eating progress and new challanges (also holidays)
I've been dealing with binging for a while and am trying to make steps in dealing with them by spreading out more, allowing myself small treats. So there is less pressure on a single "opportunity" to binge and wanting to make the most of it. Hoping to slowly get rid of the high peaks of binging. And also to feel less bad about myself eating a little treat at times. I got into a situation that inspired me to make this post and get if off my chest. :)
The situation was related to a visit to a all-you-can-eat restaurant. Which is a free-binge card because for everyone its a situation where you eat way too much. In fact, leaving the restaurant not being full might be a sin. So I did really well getting into the mindset of accepting it was going te be too much, and just focus on having fun, not let the food control me and it went really well! Before, I had so many moments where food controlled an event in my head and messed with the fun of the experience. I just went with the flow and ended up even eating less than I usually do in such situations -> yes, full, but there is full and full right? Stomach was ok, went light on the desserts and even skipped a round of getting food. :D
I was really proud of myself, but later that weekend the craving came up slowly to get more food. Thoughts went along the lines of rewarding, but also around thinking I wouldn't be so bad to take something, because it already could've been worse. I came to this theory: going to the restaurant you accept like a bad/overdo score of 10, accepted it and had a good time, mindfull and a great step forward. But you ended up only overdoing it by a score of 8. Great! But being proud, you might crave reward for this, and 2 things happen:
- You think, if I now take this extra snack of eat a lot more of this, I might go from a 8 to a 9 in terms of overdoing, but still not as bad as a 10, which is what I expected and accepted for this weekend, so still better, so it's fine, do it.
- A little regret, even though it was a fun event, you sometimes tell yourself later on you could've eaten more within the limits of that score of 10, maybe 1 scoop of icecream, 1 hand of fries on the side etc.
I figured this is just a new challenge coming with the progress I am making, but especially during the holidays this challenge will be very relevant for everyone. Because the holidays are full with "rounds" of food and you expect to eat wayy to much, so even if you go easy on one thing, something else comes on the table and you face the extra mental baggage of having done better than expected so far, so more room for your mind to tell you to make the most of the next one. Stimulation after stimulation, making every win harder.
Any experience to share or comment is appreciated! :D
@Michelh1996
I love your post and your thinking about it not being black and white, but rather there is gray in between. Eating disorders tend to be black and white where it's all or nothing. That means it is bad or good. Then there is a lot of guilt and shame with it.
I like that there is room for being full, but not over full, and if you do go over-full, that it's not as bad as it's been at times.
Here are some lessons I've learned over the years.
If I binge with this meal, I can start over the next meal with a clean slate. We don't have to punish ourselves for days or give up until we start over (whenever that is) which carries on the continuation of the guilt and shame for many of us. We binged - nothing we can do about history. I can change the next meal I eat, and I can start over right now after the binge. I don't have to keep feeling guilty. I messed up. Okay.
I can look at what happened that I binged and try to figure out what I was feeling, what was going on that I binged, what I was needing that wasn't met, and what was missing, because 99% of the time it wasn't food. If it was food, I would have stopped. The more I understand my binge, the more I can understand what I need before I binge in the future.
The next time I feel like binging, I can ask myself, what do I want or need right now? Am I hungry or am I needing something else? I've identified all kinds of things from comfort, to boredom, happiness, celebration, anger, fear, depression, loneliness and the list goes on.
I can ask myself - did I eat today or did I skip meals so that I am famished and needed to eat so I ate so fast my body couldn't tell when I was full.
You have brought up a great topic, and I'd love to hear from others on what the wins are, what the struggles are, and how we are handling them. Oh, and if I were to say that I don't still have to talk to myself about how much I eat, that wouldn't be true, but I can choose today to binge or restrict or to be healthy. 😃 It took a long time to learn the bit I shared above (and so much more) and to learn about everything under my personal eating disorder which started with anorexia as a teen.
Keep learning more and more about you! You are worth the effort. I'm so glad you posted.
@KristenHR I find your response very insightful and I can clearly tell that you have gained a lot more experience with reflecting on this topic!
I am trying to move away from this black/white kind of vibe for sure.
I find the ability to draw a line after a binge and reset for the next meal something very interesting, amazing that you can do that! I have talked and thought about this a lot, and am trying. But it seems like I do need some things to hold on to in order to get there (I know I might do it, then fail on another occassion because its in that gray area). Seems like for me, this is a hard step that I would love to hear or develop some tricks for!
This reset also made me fantasize about another possible thing that can occur because of it: lets say you binge on your afternoon snack (you can't help it) and eat something really good for dinner, you want to reset, but would have rather you binged on that dinner instead of the afternoon snack. That might be an extreme version of the standard scenario, even more temptation and possibly regret 😱
The part about asking yourself why you binge is very inspiring, because it immediately got me thinking about keeping track of this, because replacing or finding other ways to either reward or take away the feeling seems to make so much sense, but is hard to do. Maybe I can make a list or something for a week 🤔 and then reflect and/or share.
And that's what I was thinking as well about sharing this in order to find insights and have others think about it as well. Because more people might also struggle with this, and especially during the holidays, with round after round of stimulation or so many chances to binge despite maybe you arming yourself against the first few, the fight goes on right...
Appreciate the feedback and kind words! 🤩
@Michelh1996
When I was struggling, I actually tracked what the situation was, what I was feeling, what I was thinking, and then how I handled it. After the fact, was there anything I could have done differently after thinking about it. Like, was there a different thought or behavior I would like to try if this emotion or feeling or situation happened again.
It helped a lot for me. Tracking the exact food helped me to see what I was eating initially but wasn't good for me long-term.
@KristenHR I have been thinking about this, also reflecting a bit on the last few weeks because of course the coming days are very different with all the festivities ;) (I feel like Christmas is an exeption because its not entirely fair to judge those days since they're so different)
Temptations I noticed so far:
- Highs: played a good match, vacation has started (hype, reward).
- Lows: played a bad match, feel bad about something, something bad happened (compensation, weak?).
- Events: going somewhere for fun like shopping or attend something, so for fun. Something happens! something different! kind of like a high, plus a little bit of an excuse to eat in a way.
- Weekends: still a bit related to me trying to be healthier during the week, compensation/a chance you have to take because you wanna do better during the week. Also the idea of freedom during the weekend in general that you have compared to restrictions during the week (work, time etc). And maybe also "boredom", not because I am bored, but some things I like to do in my spare time involve listening music, watching movies/videos/series and those are moments where eating makes sense so your mind goes towards that and its difficult to get it off your mind then.
I guess I need to think about those a bit more in-dept when they occur in the coming period.
But besides those ones, there is that reset I mentioned and you talked about where you learned to do that -> I still struggle very much with that, it for example makes those moments in the weekends worse and might also be very relevant for the holidays. I really feel like I need some things to help me get those resets going at the moment.
@Michelh1996
Those are good observations! I love that you identified highs, loves and events as well.
Know that what works for one person, doesn't always work for another, but also, it's a process. It takes time. I definitely struggled with this initially. It wasn't easy to just reset the next meal. I was a "I blew it - can't restart until X day so I might as well really blow it." person. But that just made me feel worse and more guilty. But with time, I learned that I could manage and feel better about myself and even stop when I had started to binge. What freedom that brought! Definitely wasn't overnight!
You're doing a great job looking at what is happening. Thanks for sharing it. I love what I'm reading.
