Accountability thread 9/2 - 9/8
Hi everyone,
Welcome to the safe space where @Phoenix22k @enigmaticOcean8813 @orangeSpruce9113 and I share our journey together to overcome eating disorders.
Everyone is welcome to join and share their stories and thoughts.
Sending positive vibes and lots of love
9/4 Wednesday
Hi everyone. I know this will probably sound unhealthy lol but I decided to fast until basically 5 pm today. Keep in mind I didn’t eat dinner last night because I binged so I basically fasted for like 24 hours. Yes, I was hungry and felt like *** and weak but I wanted to feel in control again. I ate a huge dinner obviously and it felt really good and satisfying. Again, I know this is not a healthy way to eat but it made me feel mentally better and after having dinner I feel physically better too. Anyone else relate to the feeling of being in control aspect?
Update: it’s like midnight and I just binged. I’m so embarrassed and ashamed. I know everyone will be supportive but I feel like I’m just letting you guys down :( you’re all doing so well and I feel like I’m not making any progress. Sorry to be so negative :(
@orangeSpruce9113
Hey orange! I understand the want to fast and feel in control. I had many of those moments. That also is evidence that you CAN hold back. Use that as you progress when you are eating more regularly.
I wouldn't recommend that you make that a regular habit, only eating once, as I'm sure your ED brain will kick in. But as mentioned it shows you do have a sense of control and I'm proud of you for getting that back!
It may sound silly but perhaps try and plan out what you are going to eat each day. Aim for 3-4 meals, and if you can prepare them ahead of time. Then you know what you are expecting to eat and in proper quantities.
I'm proud of you for sharing and feeling more in control. Try and make it a habit on your more regular days!
@Phoenix22k
Thank you for your advice and positive outlook on a negative experience. I agree with you on having regular meals but sometimes it just feels wrong after a binge because I don’t even feel hungry plus I always feel soo bloated too. That’s definitely something I need to work on though. Again, thank you for your positive outlook it has changed my perspective a bit on the experience.
Thursday 9/5
Got some extra sleep last night and woke up feeling really good! Had a great workout as well. Home now and relaxing some before I eat dinner. As typically the time I get home until the time I eat dinner is when ED brain is most active, I decided to instead turn here to check up on everyone and report in :)
I'm feeling more confident that I'll make the right choices. I typically journal in the morning and I started to tell myself "I WILL WIN" today each morning. Maybe sounds silly, but this little pep-talk has helped. It's almost like I've already started the day with the mental decision to eat right and do the right things. ED brain is still there, but it has less power over me.
The weekend is coming up and I'd love to keep my streak alive, I have been feeling so much better, working out better, and just am more "present" for my students and colleagues at school.
Hoping everyone else is finding success! Going to keep relaxing here, go out on my porch and catch up on some reading, then make dinner.
@Phoenix22k
Hey Phoenix!
I’m so happy to hear that you slept better and are feeling good today! It’s amazing that your workout went well too (well they're all going better and better). I really love how you chose to handle that delicate time between coming home and dinner, when the ED brain usually kicks in. Instead of getting caught up in that cycle, you decided to connect here and share your progress. That’s already a huge victory!
I totally understand the positive effect of your little morning "pep-talk," and I don’t find it silly at all. On the contrary, giving yourself that positive message "I WILL WIN" every morning puts you in a strong position from the start. It’s like you’re building a winning mindset right from the beginning of the day, and it seems to be working! The ED brain might still be there, but each time you fight it, it gets a little weaker.
I’m really proud of you and your commitment to maintaining this streak. I know how tough it is, especially with the weekend coming up, but it seems like you’ve found a nice routine that works for you. Feeling more present and connected with your students and colleagues is proof of how much these changes are having a positive impact on different areas of your life.
Keep going, and don’t forget to take some time for yourself, like you’re doing now with relaxing and reading (what are you reading now, by the way?). I’m sure the weekend will go well, and you’ll keep your streak going. We’re all cheering for you!
@Turtleonmyleftarm
Thanks Turtle :)
It was a good week and a struggle at times but making it through! It is encouraging that ED brain is less active in the afternoon.
I'm currently reading The Stormlight Archive and am in the last book, Oathbringer. It's a really cool fantasy series. It kind of combines "star wars" with light-saber type weapons/armor and fantasy like the Lord of the Rings. The books are HUGE which I like. About halfway through.
9/5 Thursday
Well, I’ve already had a binge episode and its not even 2 pm. I feel so anxious and scared that this is never going to end. I wish I could go to an ED clinic and get like treatment for this cause I’m just so defeated and don’t know how to deal with this ahhh
@orangeSpruce9113
Hi Orange,
I am sorry I haven't been able to reply to a few of your latest messages, I'll reply to all of them (more or less) here.
First of all, I want you to know that you absolutely don't need to feel like you're falling behind or not doing enough compared to us. I started my journey long before you, so it's only natural that we're in different places. The same applies for Phoenix.
Direct comparisons aren't helpful, because each of us is walking our own unique path, full of ups and downs. I can understand why my reports might seem "perfect" to you, but believe me, they aren't. I also have moments when it feels like I take one step forward and a hundred steps back. There are days when I say everything's fine, but if you read between the lines, you'll see that I'm still restricting, even if it's less obvious now.
None of us are perfect, and trust me, we all make mistakes. Every step forward, no matter how small, is an achievement, even if we don't always realize it. And I can see you're making progress too. I see it, even if it’s hard for you to notice sometimes. You have incredible strength within you, and even in the toughest moments, you're still moving forward. Please don't give up.
Phoenix is right when they suggest planning meals in advance. It's a small action that can make a big difference, helping you feel more in control and stay on track, especially during the more challenging times.
Eating disorders are closely tied to the need for control. Studies and psychological research have repeatedly confirmed that this need to manage everything often stems from insecurity and the desire to create order in a world that feels chaotic. You're not alone in this, and your desire to control certain aspects of your life is a common reaction.
Remember: you’re not "behind" and there’s no need to compare yourself to anyone else. You don't need to feel less than me or Phoenix, because we stumble and get back up too. What matters is that you keep moving forward, one step at a time.
And please also remember you deserve to eat even if you feel you don't, or if you feel bloated.
Sending you a big hug.
@Turtleonmyleftarm
Thank you for that🥹🥹 You’re right I need to stop comparing because everyone is on their own path. It makes me happy that you seem to notice progress from me because I certainly don’t see it but hearing it from you is motivating. I’m seeing my therapist tomorrow and I’m hoping we’ll be able to take some steps forward. Thanks again
Hi everyone,
Sorry for being absent yesterday, it was a really busy day at the office. When I can, I prefer to write from my computer at work — it's much more uncomfortable and difficult to do it from my phone, especially in the evening.
As you know, wednesday night I went to my parents’ place for a barbecue, and I’d say it went... okay. Not great, not terrible, just so-so. I had a sausage, a piece of rib, 4 french fries, and a small slice of cake. There were no vegetables or anything “healthy,” which made it challenging for me, but I tried to stay calm and act like a normal person would.
A comment from my mom when I arrived gave me an extra push to do that. She said, "Your grandmother called me earlier. She told me that last week, when you went to see her, your uncle was there too. After you left, he told her he was worried because you looked too thin and asked her to call me to check if you're sick or unwell." My mom’s tone was almost amused, as if the comment wasn’t a big deal. Before I could even respond, she added, "I told her you're fine, not to worry."
I made a face, and a noise that was mix between a laugh and a snort that meant I didn’t really take the comment seriously and actually thought it was b-s-. Then, when we sat down to eat, I made sure to eat, as if to say, "See? I eat like a normal person, how could anyone think I'm unwell?"
Yesterday (Thursday the 5th), I went to the gym to see my trainer and tried to stick to my diet, even though I didn’t eat the exact amounts… I cut down here and there. However, like I mentioned before, I did add a few coffees with milk during the day, and in my head, I keep thinking that this balances out the reductions. This morning, I weighed myself and I’m back to 48.5 kg, so there's been a weight increase, which means I’m eating more. I don’t want to say, "I'm getting fat" (even though that’s what my brain is thinking), but I’m definitely putting on weight. This means that despite the small reductions, I’m still eating more than before.
We’ll keep moving forward, day by day, and see how things go.
Wishing you all a wonderful day, and I hope everything goes well for you! I can't wait to read your updates in the threads. Sending you all a big hug!
@Turtleonmyleftarm
You’re doing great! Don’t let your ED brain tell you manipulative lies. Like you said, day by day. You got this!
@Turtleonmyleftarm
Glad to hear the BBQ went mostly well and despite the different foods and lack of "healthy" options you pushed yourself out of your comfort zone and ate!
I'm sorry to hear about the comments from your family though. Those are always challenging, and hopefully come from a "good" place, but since they truly do not know all that you are going through, it is hard to hear them.
You are doing a great job at adding more foods to your plate, having less concern over the weights of your foods, and sticking to eating your portions the following day, even if it is not perfect. You are an inspiration to us all!
I'd say just stick to what you know is working and try to let the comments go, which it largely seems like you have.
The weight you've gained I would say is most likely muscle or just some water weight. So long as you are seeing gains in your weights/runs and feeling good then you are doing great!
Awesome work Turtle :)
Accountability Report for the week of September 2nd to September 6th:
Friends, really family, I apologize for not being around, but as you know, we've been busy packing up, throwing things away, and donating goods, getting ready to move. There are just a little over two weeks left before we move out.
But this week was particularly difficult. I was motivated by @Turtle's comments above, and I am terribly sorry that you had to go through that @Turtle with your uncle. But I face it every day with my wife who worries about my weight because we're so physically active right now. But I swear to her and to you that, as active as we've been, my weight is not changing at all, which is good. I'm not putting any on, but on the other hand, I'm not losing any.
I do have to admit though that the stress of this all led me to one binge day this week. I plowed through a bag of tortilla chips and a couple of glasses of wine. The tortilla chips were great, but the wine does not mix so well with all of the medication that I take. But this is now two binging episodes since we started our little group here. I don't know whether I can excuse it by all the stress or not, but that's what's going on. So I have to try to keep that under control and maintain a healthy balance of what I've been eating.
The other significant event, or more significant event, was that my neurologist, who I've been seeing for tremors, has sent me to a doctor to have an EMG study done. If you're not familiar with it, it's an electrical stimulation of the muscles. I have been complaining that my hands get stiff and I have significant pain in my feet. I had this test done yesterday, and it was probably the most painful two hours I have ever had. The end result was shocking to me, and I haven't yet shared it with my wife.
The problem with the stiffness in my hands is due to nerves being pinched in my elbows. The cause of that is significant weight loss. There is just not enough fat to protect the nerves going through the elbows out to the hands, and they are being damaged because the nerves are almost being exposed. It's really a very scary thing that he had to say. I have no reason to doubt or challenge what he had to say; it was a very thorough exam. But it was just a sign that my significant weight loss over the years and being so thin now is really causing major health problems that I don't know how to reverse. And I guess I should have asked if this is reversible.
I'm going to have to face the fact that I have to share this information, and it won't go over very well. It's not a good way to end the week. So please keep me in mind, and all of you hang in there.
@enigmaticOcean8813
That sounds very scary and stressful. I’m sorry you have to deal with that :( I really hope things get better for you and that you start to feel more comfortable and relaxed!
@enigmaticOcean8813
Hey Ocean, sending you a hug.
Your news sounds really scary, and I feel proud that you shared it with us. I know eventually you will with your family, but just want you to know I think of you regularly and pray/hope for your strength.
For only have two binge-sessions in the last few months, that is awesome in my book. But I know we are on different paths. It does sound like you really do need to eat more so perhaps it was just your body trying, desperately, to get some calories.
I know you have some challenging conversations ahead, and just decisions in general. Try to keep eating, for reasons of improving your nerves, your overall health, and your mindset.
Wishing I could help more, if I think of anything I'll be sure to add.
9/6 Friday
Hi everyone! I’m happy to report that today was a good day. In regards to my eating I had 3 filling meals, a green smoothie and a peach as snacks, and another green smoothie after dinner as dessert. I’ve found that these green smoothies are a good help in keeping me full and satisfied and they’re easy to make. They’re made of spinach, banana, and chocolate protein powder but it mostly just taste like banana and chocolate. I also had therapy this morning and we covered a lot which I’m happy about. I actually might start taking antidepressant/antianxiety meds. After therapy I did a little workout, then got lunch and did some homework, and then went on a hike with my dog because I got called out from work. So yeah really fulfilling and productive day. I’ve also started journaling again (yesterday and today) and I think it’s actually helped a bit. I hope you all had wonderful days as well!
@orangeSpruce9113
Orange I'm so proud of you!!!! Just awesome.
I'm really glad you had some regular, satisfying meals, and that you found a healthy "treat" in your smoothies which do sound delicious! I added an extra protein shake at the end of my day too and I really look forward to it now. It also cuts down on cravings.
I'm also really glad to hear about your psych appointment and your discussion there. I was on anti-depressants for a time, and to be honest probably should return to them. I did not have any negative side effects or anything but stopped going so my prescription ran out.
Like we shared before, it seems we struggle finding "joy" in what we have/do. I would say mine comes and goes. In the morning, and most of the day when I'm busy, I feel great. But it is the down-time that I just lose focus on that.
So glad to hear of all your success. Build on this and use it as momentum for tomorrow!
Friday 9/6
Another positive day to add to my book. Slept well, did my arm workout focusing again on timing which means lower weights. My "EGO" is a little hurt, but overall I still feel good after the workout and a little more sore (in a good way) so it likely is a positive thing.
School and the day went well. Stopped to see my parents for a bit then came home. The afternoon was quiet and I was looking forward to watching "The Rings of Power" in the evening. It is a new thing that I am looking forward to on Fridays or the weekend.
So watched this after dinner. I did have a small extra portion, just chicken and salad, but this did not lead to a binge! Woo. So I might have ate a little more calories than "suggested" but I tried not to think of this too much.
I am trying to gain some muscle, so need to tell myself that a few more calories is what I need, protein as this choice great as well. I'm mostly satisfied with what I see in the mirror, and just am working on reframing my mindset.
The weekend ahead looks relaxing and I'll be sure to catch up with you all here :)
Hi @enigmaticOcean8813,
It's great to hear from you again after some time! We know you're really busy with the move, so thank you for taking the time to update us.
I'm really sorry to hear about the recent news regarding your health. I can imagine how concerned you are about talking to your wife about it—it's natural to worry about her reaction. For those who don’t share our struggles, it’s easy to say we should eat more, or they might start acting like “colonels,” monitoring everything we put in our mouths and then saying, “Eat more, remember what the doctor said…”. They mean well, but they risk overwhelming us, which could end up making things worse. Best of luck when you decide to tell her—you’re in my thoughts!
Just one question: if you manage to gain some weight (once you've moved and aren’t as physically busy), will the pain improve? Or is the nerve damage irreversible at this point?
Hi @orangeSpruce9113,
It's so wonderful to hear about your positive day! I’m really happy for you!
It's great news that you’ve found some help with green smoothies—they seem delicious and healthy. Well done! And the hike with your dog was definitely a perfect way to end the day, as being outdoors with a four-legged friend is a great way to breathe fresh air, get some healthy exercise, and find peace and calm. What’s your dog’s name? Is he a purebred or a mixed breed? I love dogs, so feel free to tell me more about him!
But the best part of your message was hearing that you had the chance to do therapy and that you’ve started journaling again. These are really important steps that will help you improve day by day. I’m so proud of how you’re handling everything and taking control of the situation. Keep up the good work!
Hi @Phoenix22k,
It’s great to hear you had a positive day as well! I understand how your ego might have felt a bit bruised from using lighter weights during your workout, but if you focused so much on perfecting your form and ended up feeling a bit sore, I believe this workout will yield better results than others! You’ll see! You’re doing an amazing job...
And regarding the food: that little extra chicken will go straight to your muscles—you didn’t eat too much, not at all! Think of it as fuel for your body, and know that it’s exactly what you need to build your muscles and keep improving.
Sending hugs to all of you!
@Turtleonmyleftarm,
Hi @Turtle,
I'm still getting caught up myself in fits and starts. We're down to the last two weeks before moving, so I'll only be able to be on sporadically. And since I can't type, it's hard to find time when I have private dictation time to dictate a message to the group.
I did want to answer your question about my nerve damage. I have the sense that the nerve damage is not reversible. It's irreversible in the sense that the doctor said he could recommend surgery to alleviate the symptoms and compensate for the problem, but my neurological function would not return to normal even if I was able to put on sufficient weight to protect the nerves in my arms, especially at the elbows. So that's the English language version of what he had to say in his written report—somewhat disconcerting and somewhat disappointing.
On another note, I really love your analogy about the eating kernels monitoring everything we put in our mouths. It sounds like you, I, and surely others have them. Yes, they mean well, but my wife's version of dieting isn't what I would consider a healthy diet. Her algorithm is to put on calories anywhere you can find them, which includes plenty of junk food all day long. It's not just overwhelming, as you said, but I find it stifling.
Accountability for Saturday 7th
Today was a rest day, apart from a quick "workout snack" focusing on core and arms. I was feeling a bit sore from my last workout, and tomorrow's run is going to be in a hilly area. The last time I ran there, it was exhausting! I’m hoping that, with today’s rest, tomorrow’s run will feel better than the last time.
I ate today, but I can't deny that seeing the higher number on the scale has been tough. This morning, I weighed myself again, and the number had gone down a little since yesterday. I know it could be anything—water, food, whatever. I also know that gaining a little weight would be healthier for me, and that I shouldn’t be trying to lose weight. But it’s hard to see the numbers going up instead of staying the same or going down.
I’ve never hidden from you that in the past few days, I haven’t always managed to stick to the quantities in my diet. Today was another one of those days.
I measured everything as accurately as I used to. I restricted (not by a huge amount, but still). I felt scared of certain foods. The whole anorexic playbook.
I still ate a decent amount (tomorrow is my long run day, and I don’t want to mess that up), but not as much as I should have, and not as freely as I should have. This is one of those days where it feels like I’m taking steps backward instead of forward, but as we all know, it’s part of the process. Recovery isn’t a straight line—we all have our ups and downs. It happens, and we need to accept it and move on.
I’m also scared that I might be losing control. Last night when I got home from work, I was so hungry that waiting another hour, hour and a half until my husband came home felt impossible. I ended up eating an entire raw bell pepper. I just washed it, chopped it into four pieces, and ate it like that. No seasoning, no plate—just straight from the fridge. And let’s be honest—it’s a good vegetable, but it’s not something you eat for pleasure, like a piece of chocolate. I devoured that bell pepper as if my life depended on it, unable to stop even after realizing how ridiculous it was. So I’m scared I might be losing control and heading towards a binge, and that terrifies me.
I’ll keep you updated on my progress, hoping these bad thoughts stay just that—thoughts.
@Turtleonmyleftarm
Hey turtle! Glad you had a day to yourself to rest, I'm sure you will have a nice run tomorrow! Hills are brutal! I have a 5k run I do on weekends, and it starts mostly downhill... but the return leg is nearly all uphill! It adds a decent amount to my time but I just go one foot in front of the other. It's a good feeling when you reach the top!
I understand your fears on the scale and am sending you a hug. I'm one that likes "clear" answers and also when I see the scale am like what the heck! What did I do wrong? Of course the "wrong" part is mostly in our heads, but it can still be discouraging.
I also know the feeling of "waiting" for a meal and just... giving in. Now I have to applaud you for it being a pepper, but I also feel your sense of anxiety and, here is another hug. There is no shame in feeling hungry and curbing the thoughts is a challenge. Maybe next time have a protein shake or something that is a little satisfying and just have a little less at your dinner, not restricting, just eating part of your daily calories at a different time.
Progress as you said, is not linear. As a math teacher I have yet to find a graph that reflects my progress! Probably more like a sine wave (you can look that up :)
Know that I am still super proud of you and you have made leaps and bound of progress. I/We are here for your ups and downs. As I write my reflection for today, I think you'll see I also had some challenges of my own.
Hoping Sunday brings you peace of mind <3
@Phoenix22k
Hi Phoenix,
Thank you for your support and kind words, and for all the virtual hugs!
I’m familiar with sine waves (although I didn’t know that’s what they were called—I remember seeing them in school since I attended a “liceo scientifico,” a high school with a focus on science). I think they perfectly represent what recovery from eating disorders is like—full of ups and downs. Since you're the mathematician of the group, do sine waves eventually end, or do they go on forever?
@Turtleonmyleftarm
Ahh I love the intriguing question... they go on forever! Though they can be less "intense" and calm down. Quite a good representation of life :)
9/7 Saturday
Hi guys! I’m pretty busy so I’ll just give a short update. Today started off rocky but I didn’t let it derail me. I had a good day especially in regards to my eating so I’m happy about that. This makes day 2 binge free! I’m gonna try keep this streak going!
@orangeSpruce9113
Rock on Spruce!!! Some days there is more to report than others, it's a good thing to hear you are pleasantly busy but you still made some time for us :)
Keep it up! I'd like to make a Week challenge with you, as I recently slipped myself... But YOU, yes YOU are inspiring me to get back up and start a new "streak".
