Bulimia - Am I faking it?

Hello!

I would like to start this post off by saying that I tried talking to a therapist about this problem once when I was hospitalised for something different, and she basically told me I was faking it and I didn't really have an eating disorder and that I just wanted attention because I had *just* been diagnosed with BPD.

I would also like to start this post off by giving a trigger warning because I will be talking about weight and purging.

So without further ado, here is my story.

This all started when I was 12 or 13, I was at my highest weight, and I was unhappy and doctors left and right were telling me that I needed to lose weight. My parents would constantly pick on what I was eating or that I wasn't exercising or going outside (I never went outside, because of an anxiety disorder and my paranoia). I learned to hate my body at a young age, around 10 or 11 because I went into middle school at age 9. Middle school girls and boys can be rough. I wouldn't go back to middle school if you paid me all the money in the world. Anyway, I started restricting what I was eating. To a normal amount at first, then lower and lower and lower until I was only eating broth during the day and drinking cups and cups of tea. I dropped 50 pounds in a matter of a year (keep in mind I was only 15 at this time), and everyone was so proud of me. They were telling me how good I looked and how proud they were that I was finally taking care of myself. I knew I wasn't taking care of myself, but I loved the encouragement. I loved the compliments. I couldn't stop restricting and purging anything that I ate. I didn't want to go back to being fat again.

Then my dad died when I was 16 and I gained most of the weight back, around 30 pounds of it.

And then I lost it again. I'm at the lowest weight I've been in years and people are giving me compliments and telling me how good and skinny I look, and I don't want to stop again. I just want to be loved and accepted and wanted, and that's the hardest thing about this. I don't purge anymore in the traditional sense, but I do use laxatives and I do fast a lot. I started binging again, and I can't help it, I'll eat tons and tons of food and I can't stop myself at all. It's awful and it makes me feel awful, and then I purge it by using laxatives and fasting.

But ever since I talked to that stupid therapist, I feel like I'm faking it because I binge more than I purge, they're not equal. But I stopped vomiting because I didn't want to rot the teeth out of my skull because, frankly I love my teeth.

I can't stand this, I was wondering if anyone had any input on this topic if you're still reading, and can you tell me whether or not I'm faking it?

I don't want to give my eating disorder up though, and I know that's unhealthy but it's the only thing I have control over at the moment and it's the only thing that's bringing me happiness, even if it's also bringing me despair and probably a host of health problems.

Thank you for whoever made it through this, and I hope you have a nice day. :)