Help?

@Npepsicola

hey. im sorry this is happening to you. the voices in your head can be really hard to deal with. i understand that it gets you down, and that you are probably so tired of fighting, but a couple of hundred calories a day isn't enough. you burn more than that just sitting in bed all day and your body needs nutrients to function. if your anything like me, you've probably heard this before and disregarded it but i hope it might mean more coming from someone who understands a bit better maybe? I've been fighting for about a year now, and its terrible what we do to ourselves to feel justified and not insecure. i know that this battle is hard, but you can keep fighting

@anabellamia1189

Thank you. Im not really sure what to do. The solution seems so easy and yet its not. Im running out of energy to care honestly. And im not sure what happens next.

@Npepsicola

it may seem hopeless to try, and that restricting is the only option you have. it's not. there are so many things that you can do. its very confronting being in this situation, and discovering how far your mind tells you to go in order to satisfy that need to be thinner or weigh less. the voices in your head can tell you to go so far, but its all about resisting those urges, and starving your disorder not yourself. every time you eat, instead of thinking about what the calories do to your body, think about how you are defying your disorder. how you are fighting every single time.

@anabellamia1189

I just keep telling myself it will fade on its own. even though it may not be true

@Npepsicola

i suppose thinking it will get better and go away gives you hope. but you have to fight it too. it takes effort to fight, and win, and you have to be willing to recover to be able to stop restricting and fasting

@anabellamia1189

I just dont understand where this came from. Youre right tho. Being passive never solved anything.

@Npepsicola

it might have been something you were influenced by at an early age or something genetic. who knows?being passive is kiind of my approach right now and its not going too well

@anabellamia1189

I havent yet accepted that i do in fact have an eating disorder. I guess im still trying to tell myself its a phase

@Npepsicola

oh sorry for using that terminology! what kind of things do you do or what do the voices tell you to do if you don't mind me asking

@anabellamia1189

Oh no its okay. I did come here so that should tell me something i guess. Restricting hasnt always been my thing is all. Ive self harmed since i was 11. When i get depressed i dont eat, or sometimes when i am trying to lose weight. Usually a couple days here, a couple days there. Sometimes i get obsessive with the scale tho, i measure around my stomach or whatever and keep track of inches. Ive felt guilty about eating before but never like this. Not going on 6 days, about to freak out, and still wont let myself eat.

I guess when i write it out it sounds pretty bad. Lol

@Npepsicola

yeah, that does sound pretty bad. the obsession with the scale is something I can relate to. self-harm is also reasonably common for people with disordered eating patterns because of how intense the thoughts we get are. at least for me, I know that's the case.

@anabellamia1189

Thank you for your help. You seem like you have a lot of knowlege about it, and i appreciate you sharing with me. I really dont know much so it is helpful.

I feel ashamed of what im doing, and im not sure why i am listening to the voice. Yesterday was the worst day, hopefully today will be better. Im not sure my reasons for what im doing, if its punishment, if i want to hurt nyself, if i want to be thin, if i think it will solve something.

Does it cycle for other people? Like times of restriction and times of letting yourself eat? I mean how long physically can i even last like this.

@Npepsicola I

@compassionateCandy48

Thank you. I feel so confused about what is happening, and scared. I hope its something i can break free from soon

Hi Npepsicola,

Im so sorry this is happening to you and im so proud of you for reaching out

Getting support and knowledge will help you a long way, this is difficult stuff

And yes, eating problems are not uniform, they are diverse and even for a single person they change through out time, sometimes just through a week. Having cycles of eating and then restricting is not uncommon. Binge/purge cycle is also common.

Other things that are not unormal when you struggle with food is behaviours as binging, purging, restricting, recovery and relapse, feelings of shame, guilt, emptyness, fullness, punishing for not eating, for eating, wanting control, wanting to let it all go, wanting change, not wanting change - all at once or taking turns over and over, it can get messy.

But with knowledge of this it can feel more understandable, even though it still sucks at time. Fighing is easier when you know what you are fighting - know your enemy right? And no, it is not food.

I know you said you are not ready to look at it as a eating disorder, and that is okay, but here are some resources you can still read - if a friend ever comes in a similar situation it can be good to know, right? And its okay to know CPR even thoug your heart is working fine, right?

https://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/information/eating-disorder

https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/

There are a lot of recourses out there, a lot of people struggling and a lot of people wanting to help

Hope im not scaring you, I just want to help, let you know that what you are feeling is hard, but you are not alone

Love from Sara

@LoveFromSara

Thank you, i really do appreciate it. I keep trying to snap out of it. Idk what this voice is or where it came from. Or why I am listening to it. I feel like im being so cruel to myself but it just wont stop. Im leaving town for a week tomorrow so maybe getting out will help.

@Npepsicola

Sounds good, I hope that will help you

Have you looked at this: https://www.7cups.com/eating-disorder-help/

Its a lot in here that wont apply to you at all, but just looking through it and giving it some though can help give you a better understanding and a tool on how to tacle this.

I cant really telll you where that voice is comming from either, often it is something like this:

- need for personal control

- helpes you feel numb

- different form of selfharm

- shame and punishment

- wanting to remain childlike

- wanting to stay thin

- feeling that you can/giving you a sense of accomplishment

- need to control apperance

- feeling that food is in some way bad for you

It can be a bit of everything or none of this at all

Can you talk to someone about this?

@LoveFromSara

I dont really think i am ready to ask for help from someone close to me yet. Ive mentioned it to my therapist who didnt seem very concerned at the time. Im not under weight anyways. I guess thats part of why i dont consider it an eating disorder. I dont think anyone will take me seriously if im not underweight.

@Npepsicola

Thats okay, you dont have to share until you are ready. But thanks for shairing it here

It was brave mentioning it for your theraphist, was this a while back? It sounded like things have gotten worse, if so I would consider saying it again.

Its a common (and sometimes dangerous) myth that you are only struggeling with ED if you are loosing weight. Being underweight is a physical symptom for a mental disorder, and many people struggle for a long time without ever being underweight (especially those with bulimia or other binge/purge problems), it does not mean it shouldnt be taken seriously. If it disrupts your everyday life (skipping meals, restricting calories, obsessing over weight or training) it should be taken seriously, just as you dont have to self harm before depression should be taken seriously.

Please, if things do not get better after your trip, talk to you therapist again, tell him this is bothering you and interfering with your life

@LoveFromSara

Yeah. Ill do that if i dont improve over this trip. At this rate even tho i dont think im too thin, Im closing in quickly on an unhealthy weight. In a week im down [specific weight edited by forum moderator] pounds. I didnt even know that was possible. I just feel crappy all around. I should be packing right now and i dont even have the energy.

[specific weight edited by forum moderator @summertimeSamness] 07/07/18

@Npepsicola

You ok NP? Seams you're over stress...weel hope go over your eating problems I ok understood... What think would be best scenary of this situasion? What's stoping you...

I cant do this anymore.

@Npepsicola

are you alright? please keep fighting I know its so very hard to but please do. you can do this. fighting an eating disorder is like fighting yourself. please try to win. you deserve better than this.

@anabellamia1189

Im not really doing so well. All the thoughts, the punishment, i just dont know what to do. I want it to all stop.

@Npepsicola

i know the feeling. its so easy to give up and give in. it may not seem worth it, but you have to keep fighting, please.

@anabellamia1189

as for the thoughts and punishment, they dont really stop. its about finding something to focus on so that they fade into the background i guess. im still trying to find that thing for me but not going too well;-; oh well. i hope you try and fight, and hope you keep on fighting.

@anabellamia1189

Thank you. I feel like its all out of control. Like im spiraling, still trying to tell myself that its fine, that i can lose more. The voice is so strong its all i can hear. I cant even hear my own voice anymore, it got lost in there somewhere

@Npepsicola

yeah and control is something you want. depending on your weight, its probably not advisable that you lose more. the voices get so strong that you cant even hear your own anymore, and you just are your disorder (sorry i realise im not sure if you know what it is yet). you need to find yourself within yourself. find something you enjoy, or something you used to love. reconnect with who you where and maybe youll begin to find out and figure out who you want to be now.

@anabellamia1189

I dont know what to call it. I dont know if i should just call it an eating disorder, if im just in denial. Ive been self harming more than usual. It just complicates things more. I feel ashamed of it all, embarrassed that im doing this but im in so deep now. Its like standing in quick sand. It all happened so fast.

@Npepsicola

well for me it doesn't matter whether I call it an eating disorder or not, my parents still don't believe me. if you've come here you aren't in denial. self-harm is quite common for people with eating problems I believe, and it does complicate things more, but its all linked. there is no reason to be ashamed or embarrassed about this. you are struggling. it is ok to ask for help. it is ok to not be ok. you hear me? it happens fast. you fall fast, and now all that's left is to get back up. just staying where you are will get you nowhere. it's a slow suicide, and it's not worth it. nothing is worth sacrificing your heath

@anabellamia1189

It did happen fast. I just kept saying that i could stop if i wanted to. I just dont know how to get out of this pit. It feels like its all too hard. Like how am i ever gonna come back from this.

@Npepsicola

yeah i understand. its hard i know ok? i understand. you keep saying you can stop at any time, that you have control, that you choose this. then suddenly you cant stop and you just keep falling and its too hard to come back so you just go along with it

@anabellamia1189

It means a lot to here you say that. I feel really alone. I go see my therapist tomorrow so hopefully that helps. Just have to hold on one more day, though i dont know how much of this i can tell her. Its really hard i honestly feel like giving up. When i eat i feel like crap, when i dont i feel like crap. Its so different than cutting in a way, its much more constant and obsessive. Like with self harm i get the urges, and i either fight with them or i give in. But giving in is a big release even tho i feel shame after. With eating, i feel urges to eat and urges to restrict. My body is screaming at me to eat, my mind says to starve. Eventually i have to give in, and then i feel like i lost control. Theres no winning or satisfying anything. Its just a back and forth over and over.

@Npepsicola

you dont need to explain. ii completely understand. i have the same issues, fight both with eating and with self harm. theres not need to feel shame for self harming, relapse is part of life. its not about that its about whether you pick yourself up and keep fighting after. with eating, theres no shame either, if your body is telling you to eat but your mind says not to then you have two choices. its really up to you, and its about taking back control for yourself, not for the voices, but for yourself and your health and you.

@anabellamia1189

I just dont know how much fight i have left. These days seem so long and hard, and finally one ends, and its just another and another. I feel like i have zero control of what is happening in my own body.

@Npepsicola are you stressed about anything? I normally over eat or under eat when I am stressed. I hope your ok.

@NancySV1

I think i originally was stressed around mothers and fathers day, and it just kind of spiralled out of control. Im hoping i can regain some of that soon.

@Npepsicola

that would be good