First moment you realized you may have anorexia?

@Laura I first realised after i hadn't eaten all day and made food I fed to my dogs so my mom would think I had eaten. Shortly after that I knew that I was anorexic when I had to try out again for swim team and my coach asked if I had been sick all summer because I lost a lot of weight.

@Laura I still havent accepted it! I have a normal BMI and I spend hours looking at models and justify my weight loss. Im enjoying my new body and I keep telling myself Ill stop after I lose a few more pounds! Im hoping I will be able to do that!

It all started after I gained a lot of weight in winter because I thought Im not eating nutrient food and thats the reason why I kept getting a cold. I decided to lose the weight in summer and I started by working out so much more than before. Still it wasnt extreme work out. I restricted my calorie intake but its so hard for me to have less than 1000 calories a day! I started to have heart burn. I feel dizzy some days and I feel so afraid of going to my doctor because she mentioned how Ive lost weight last time.

Im loving how I can lose weight! How I look thin and all outfits look good on me. The strange thing is that my mom is also losing weight and its like she is competing with me! She keeps making me feel bad about my weight loss but she has lost a lot of weight herself! I have a feeling that she wants me to look fat so she can look fine. She used to buy me large outfits when I was a teen. I was just a medium. Now Im XS. It feels so good but I need to lose more so that my mom cant take away this one way I found to feel special! Im so angry at her and I can dumb all the anger by restricting myself.

My body image is not disturbed and I dont feel fat, except for my belly and thighs. Its so embarrassing to ask for help for my

What I thought was happening: Stood up too fast, ate something bad, not enough water, allergies, etc.

What was actually happening: I was just not eating. I would forget to eat. I would avoid food. It didn't interest me. I played it off as "I just forgot to eat / I must have eaten something bad"

A friend of mine pointed out that I'd used those excuses several days a week for at least a year. I had to accept the idea that there was a problem.

@Vate - I'm glad you were finally able to actually see the problem for what it is - that can be a really hard step. How have things been since then? Do you feel like you're able to start moving towards healthier patterns?

@Anomalia

Ah, yknow, rocky. I'm trying to eat more, but the sensation of food in my stomach issues panic and anxiety attacks. I'm still overweight, so that's stressful. I've never really eaten much in my life, I was super lean throughout my childhood, but I spent two years in my teens on prednisone for severe asthma.... Bulked me up, learned how mean people are to overweight people... Road to eating enough is still rough, but it's a double edged sword. I really really want to get rid of my gut and gynomastia, but I also don't want to die.

@Vate oh my God me too. Jesus I'm finding my people on here.

I think it was in summer school- I would only bring a cereal bar to eat and school was from 8:00-1:00. I would have trouble waking from my classroom to the cafeteria and all I would think about was food. That's when I started becoming lightheaded all the time.

@OpenFire - How have things been more recently? Have you been able to get your eating a bit more back on track and reclaim that energy and focus that you had before the disorder, or are you still struggling with it?

@Laura hi laura I'm Jessica. I've been dealing with anorexia and bulimia since 2010. The moment I realized I had a problem was the day I couldn't drink a smoothie because I was afraid it would give me a double chin. I was at work and my cousin brought it for me. I stared at it for an hour so it would get warm on purpose so I wouldn't drink it. She was catching on to my patterns so I knew she did it on purpose. It made me mad. I poured it down the drain and "punished" myself the rest of the day for wasting her money. That moment on ive had a "voice" in my head that tells me I'm no good or an ungrateful person. I know my eating disorder enough that she's a mean manipulative thing that doesn't care about me at all. It's sucks cause it's apart of me I'm some weird twisted way. I feel like I get "better" sometimes and then small things trigger me and I'm bad to my old sneaky ways.

My eating disorder's name is "Marg" she stands for "Money. Anger. Rage. Guilt."

@Jessicaml237 - It's hard to see all of that in yourself, but I think you've made a couple big and important steps already. The first is recognizing those patterns in yourself, and the second is reaching out here. Neither of those are easy to do, but both are significant. Now what's the next step to build on those and move towards recovery?

i've been struggling with eating disorders on and off since i was 12 so i've always kinda known.

but in this relapse, i think i realize just how serious it was when i started falling asleep all the time. not eating enough to even keep my body awake, and i really got scared when seeing how much weight i'd lost : (

@poet9 - Since realizing how scary and serious it is this time around, have you been able to seek help to get through it? What do you feel like you need to get on the path to recovery? If you ever want to talk, feel free to reach out to me or to any other listener here.

@Anomalia
not seek help, no. i've decided that i want to recover now. since im going off to university next year i really want to do my best and get in to the school i want and move out, so im really motivated!

i haven't gotten far in recovering yet, but the first step is realizing you want to do it, gotta stay positive!

thanks <3

@poet9 - You're absolutely right - the first (and perhaps hardest) step is to decide you're ready to recover and commit to it. What do you think your next step will be?

@Anomalia

i believe i have to take it slowly and make it fun! like going to a cafe with some friends and ordering a cupcake : )

I'm currently in recovery, but I'm sharing my story so others might learn and not feel so alone.

My anorexia fight started in 2005/2006. I was a freshman in college, and I commuted to a community college an hour or so away from home. I also did ballet 3-5 nights a week. At that time I still ate three meals a day with a good snack in between lunch and dinner. On ballet days the snack was usually a little bigger, as I would be in class/rehearsal for several hours that evening, so I would need plenty of energy to burn.

A few months into school, my mother and older sister started teasing me and constantly talking about my weight. "Oh, you'll gain the freshman fifteen if you keep snacking like that," they'd say. "You'll get fat." And at first I thought they were wrong and ignored them. I was running full speed with classes and travelling and homework and projects and ballet classes, so who had time to get fat?

At this point I should add that my ballet master had something of a personality change. He was always driven, pushing us beyond our abilities and leading to improvement, but he got downright nasty. While we would be at the barre doing exercises, he would always have some snotty comment to say. "Y'all eat too much junk food! Your thighs are so big! The girls at Pennsylvania Youth Ballet don't have thighs like yours!" Never mind that we were usually dancing several nights a week with Saturday morning rehearsals and our big thighs might be the result of barrework, center work and rehearsals. Fatsos, the lot of us. And I absolutely adored him up til this point. He always had a nice word for me after class, always pushed me to improve, and was the best teacher I'd ever had.

So...yeah. Combination of Mom, sis, and dance teacher, along with getting into the groove of college, AND feeling like I had no control over my own life at times, led me down the path of cutting back meal portions. Then snacks. Then skipping snacks. Then reducing my meals to Slim Fast bars. Then getting home late at night after class/rehearsal, and holding a pillow to my stomach to ignore the growling. But even then, during all this, I didn't realize what was going on. I simply saw it as a means of appeasing everyone, staying slim to win approval, and feeling like I had a say over something in my life. The sad irony of this is I had to read a nonfiction piece about an anorexic girl in recovery for a composition class, and I can remember thinking, "What an idiot. Tearing up lettuce into shreds 'cause she'll get fat? No way. How dumb is that."

Anyhow...I want to say the moment I actually realized I was anorexic, it wasn't just something I was doing to make my life better, was when I was taking a bath. And my older sister walked in the bathroom and caught sight of how thin I was. She asked me what was going on, and I denied losing weight on purpose. It was my secret, my possession to keep. Not hers. And why did she care? She said I'd get fat.

So my sister listened to this sad denial, walked out of the bathroom, and found our mom. I believe she said something like, "you need to go look at (my name). I just walked in the bathroom and I can see all of her ribs."

And that was the beginning of things. The 'eureka' moment for me.

@CleopatraElizabethI - Thank you for sharing your story - I know that's not always easy to do. I'm glad to hear that you're in recovery now; what have been some of the most helpful things for you in your recovery? If you ever need some extra support (because I know it's not easy, even when you're doing well in recovery), feel free to reach out. Take care and stay strong, lovely!

Hey guys. This is so hard to actually write about. My friends have been trying to tell me for a long time that I'm anorexic. My response was always that I just wasn't hungry. I get dizzy when I stand up often and the symptoms keep getting worse. I'm cold all of the time for no reason but I thought that was just me. Lately, I'll start shaking really badly. The other day I was shaking too badly to stand and I had to lean on a wall for support and my friend eventually had to help me walk. I also found out that my dry and peeling skin could be a result of my refusal to eat. My friends kept telling me I was anorexic but I refused to believe them. My family makes me eat when meals are eaten at home which I hate because they eat extremely unhealthy so whenever they're not watching me I don't eat. I'm scared to tell anyone because threats have already been made to put me in a mental hospital. I'm the lightest I've been since 2014 and I don't necessarily want to go back but my friends seem to see this as a huge problem. After I about passed out on my friend, I started to think that maybe I had a problem, but I have no idea what to do about it. I'm sorry this is so long but I just really needed to get this all out.

@Deathandallhisfriends - It sounds like you're starting to realize how serious this is and that's a big step. This is a scary disease, but it's also a beatable one. The first step is getting the support you need. What resources do you have available to you? If you're still in school, there may be counselors available that you can talk to. You also may be able to find support groups - in the USA, anad.org is a good place to find them, in other countries, you can search online and find some. If you need help finding resources, I'd be happy to help you look, or you might be able to ask your friends to help, since they are concerned about you.

Try to remember - you don't have to make the change all at once, but taking small steps towards recovery will get you there. You can do this.

@Annaj041 - How are things now? Have you been able to move back towards recovery, or are things still difficult right now?

I just realized within the last few weeks that I have a problem. Since coming to university and being away from my family, I've become more obsessive about my intake. I've lost a significant amount of weight and feel faint/floaty and cold most of the time. However, I'm not "technically" underweight, so I feel like my concerns aren't really legitimate... Which is silly, I know. But I don't know what to do or how to break this cycle...

@raspberrySouth2237 - I can absolutely relate to those feelings that until you're underweight, you can't get help, but that is so so very wrong. Weight is not the best indicator for health, and if you're at the point where it's impacting your life as much as you say it is, then now is the time to get help. You deserve help and support, no matter where things are at, and getting that help now will make recovery easier than waiting anymore time.

If you need to talk about it, don't hesitate to message me. Take care and be strong - you can beat this.

I realized I had anorexia when people started commenting on how thin I was getting and I couldn't see it. Someone took a picture of me and I didn't think it was me... I thought they were lying. And the moment I realized I couldn't stop.

I first realised I had annorexia when my mum told me that's what the doctors had diagnosed me with when I was 5! I'd been struggling with my eating all my life and was diagnosed with EDNOS at about 20 years old but it was only when I was about 25 when my mum revealed I'd been diagnosed with an eating disorder much earlier in my life and then the memories of all the appointments and special meal plans came back to me.

I knew for a while that I had issues with my body, but it was really in college when I noticed more. I started a "lemonade cleanse," where that was all I consumed for 10 days. My friends had to sit me down to talk about it. It was then that I realized the years of restricting, of stomach pains, of pretending I ate- these were all part of it

@MovingForward23 - I'm glad that you had friends who talked to you about it. How have things been since that time? Have you been able to start healing and working through it all?

Where's the line? I'm eating less than I should but still getting a reasonable amount of variety and calories. I have a ton of food issues and negative voices in my head, but I don't know if it's technically anorexia?

@HeyFritters - It sounds like whether it's officially anorexia or not, it's definitely an issue that's having a negative impact on your life and that means it warrants attention. Do you feel like you have people you can reach out to for support to work through some of this?

@Anomalia I drop hints to people a lot, really heavy obvious hints, but no one has been particularly supportive. It might be because I'm a healthy weight now and most of my friends are overweight so they think it's probably not important. I suppose I could try and find a shrink again but none accept my insurance. So, maybe I have someone and I haven't been blunt enough? I really don't know, tough question.

@HeyFritters - It's definitely frustrating when you feel like you're dropping hints and no one is picking them up, and I know it's often especially hard when your body is at a weight that looks healthy because others don't always recognize it. If there's someone you think could be a good support, I'm a proponent of really open and honest conversation rather than hint dropping, though I know that's not always easy.

In terms of finding a therapist, starting with insurance is a great place to begin, but not the only option. If you can't find something covered by insurance, often schools training therapists will offer pro-rated therapy with their students (supervised by a licensed professional) for much cheaper. Another helpful option can be looking at eatng disorder support groups which are often free or small donation-based. I found those incredibly helpful in my recovery. And, of course, connecting here isn't the same as therapy, but can still be a good start to a support system as a place you can speak honestly and openly and receive support along your path to recovery.

@HeyFritters Ive been in this situation too. It is really difficult because you are in so much internal pain and youre trying to reach out to others but its almost like they dont want to believe you because (as you said too) you are a healthy weight so you ‘couldnt possibly be anorexic.

When I found myself in this situation I took myself to the university doctor service who gave me a referral to the university psychologist which was free for 10 sessions. Is there something like that available to you? Perhaps you could even try 7 Cups online therapy service or BetterHelp.

I hope you find help soon. In the meantime if you want to talk to someone who has been there - you know where to find me!

I realized I had anorexia when I was reaching [edited by Anomalia to remove weight specifics] pounds and I was still unhappy. At that moment I realized that I had a problem and I needed help. I felt my health get worse and I still have problems that I see even a year after I got back to almost normal. I got down to [edited] when I should have been [edited]

@LittleBetha - I'm really proud of you for recognizing that you needed help and reaching out for it. It's frustrating when some of the health issues persist even once you're back to a healthy weight, but hopefully most of them will continue to fade with more time. Have the doctors given you an indication of what to expect?

I noticed it this year really. I was young when I had it. And I wasn't taught about it back then and I just associated it with being normal. I knew what I was doing was bad but I didn't know what It was.

@selfconfidentNectarine2379

Proud of you for sharing <3 you can always pm me if you need more support <3

@Laura

(Trigger warning I guess...?)

when I began worrying about my looks, when everyone started saying me that I might need to lose weight. When I was at the mall and saw so many people attractive and skinny and [white].

When I started to stop eating because I didn't deserve it. When I was exercising like too much, and when my parents began worrying why her daughter doesn't eat at all, if she likes to eat? When I was seeking for anabuddys and thinspo and all of that...

Welp.

I think I may be relapsing again...

About three years ago. I heard about people cutting calories to lose weight, and I was dealing with gender dysphoria at that time, so I decided if I lose weight, I'll look less feminine. And so I started that, and then I started eating less and less, and I realized there was a real problem when I felt emotionally compromised whenever I ate something. I just wanted to beat the shit out of myself anytime I ate anything, and I started feeling worthless because of it.

@cyclawins Ive also been in this cycle. Its such a hard place to be in. You feel like you dont deserve food but then you eat and become angry at yourself for having no willpower- its a vicious cycle! I hope you are doing ok now. I know it never really goes away but you are strong!

@Laura it was always, oh that's what an eating disorder is but you don't have it you're normal. Then one day (I remember it, I was just walking into the kitchen and it hit me) I might have an eating disorder. I'd actually struggled for 2 years but put it down to being normal but 2 months leading up to my realisation I was wildly denying it. It was that "but you're in control of this" that did it for me but I saw how unhealthy this mindset was.

@Tallulah4Me - I can definitely relate to that! When it's ourselves, I think it's really easy to keep justifying and saying things are normal until we're way further down a path than we realized.