AN relapse
I feel childish. I feel irrational. I feel like I'm not really realising. But if I try to fight it I feel my whole body and mind repelling food. Even the amount I plan on eating I often don't finish. It doesn't taste like anything, it feels like a chore I don't want to do, it takes forever. Being empty feels so right, the sensation of shrinking feels awesome. I don't know how this is going to end and a huge part of me doesn't care. Ossessions over being sick thin are slowly starting to crowd my head and I know it's just a matter of time before they become all I can think about. I don't know.
@GhostlyLilian
You said it right, obsession. But also a tunnel vision. Hard to snap out of it. Meditations teach us to step away from the center of our thoughts and observe them from outside. Can you do it? Of course if it was easy, i would obsess about emotional overeating myself.
@LostTurtle2 problem is I can't find anything that matters to me anymore. Meditation is particularly hard for someone with ADHD, but I know particular kind of very guided and imaginative meditations that work. But what am I going to do when meditation ends? It's always the same brain, always the same life I'm living, always the same root causes of my ED that I can't flee from and that lead me to refuse life and refuse food altogether. That's why it's really hard to fight it. When your whole being is consciously and subconsciously refusing life, what matters anymore? Only thing would be shaking those root causes, but they ain't moving. And I don't know how it's going to end
You're right Lillian, if there is something unresolved being a root cause, you need to talk about it. Either here or someone on your real life. Can you do it? I'm glad that you like some meditations. It trains your mind to be more disciplined and not a slave to every automatic negative thought you might have. My problem is overeating but it also roots from not being satisfied with my life. Just thinking about it, doesn't grass seem greener somewhere else?
@LostTurtle2 I am kinda talking about it, but it's not solving much at the moment. Usually I'm not believed, even by mental health professionals and now I'm at a point where even if a couple of people around me started believing me, I can't trust this will provide a way out. I may have invisible disabilities disabling me a lot, and I've been trying to function in spite of them for 28 years, to absolutely no avail. I've just been acting disabled for no apparent reason and I've been rejected, hated on, mistreated and abused because of it from as far as I can remember. Called all sorts of names, given all sorts of judgements and pictured as the absolute worse person on earth, a disgrace, a shame, a punishment from god. Objectively, I'm pretty useless and I can't give back enough to anyone trying to help me, I'm not independent, I never managed to be. No one believes I'm not doing it on purpose to take advantage of people, not even mental health professionals. I don't want this life. I've tried a lot, it didn't work
@GhostlyLilian
I see i lot of pain and disappointments. I'm sorry for your hardships. Life is not fair for sure. I'm surprised you can't find anyone to listen to your story without judgements. Have you tried any listeners here? They are hit and miss, but there maybe a few good ones. You can always write more of your story here.
@LostTurtle2 thank you for your answers, they're really kind. I've tried but good listeners are so few and honestly at this point I'm too close to a crisis situation to ethically burden a listener with this amount of heaviness. They're not therapists, if therapists and psychiatrist couldn't help me, I can't expect random volunteers to understand and be helpful. I should call a hotline, but in my country hotlines are seriously a joke. They're open only on specific hours and no one answered when I tried calling. I mean I feel they are kind of missing the whole point of being a hotline 😂
I mean I don't have the answers. I realise I'm not in a positive, cooperative place. I'd come off as "not wanting to be helped" when really I'm just severely depressed, very much out of hope and sick with eating disorders complusions, it's like an addiction. I'm really at a low capacity to help myself right now and this too is really hard to understand even for a professional, let alone a listener
Are you being treated for depression?
