Feeling Like a Failure at 20: Struggling with Loneliness, Self-Doubt, and Finding My Path Forward
I Feel Like I’ve Failed at Life at 20 Years Old: My Story
I'm almost 20 years old now, and I can't help but feel like I've failed at life. If I look back at what I've done so far, nothing seems valuable. I didn't go to school very often because I stutter, and this kept me isolated. Instead, I spent most of my time at home, doing things on my computer. Writing this makes me tear up because I feel like a failure.
I avoided school because my classmates made fun of me. They laughed at my stutter, gave me cruel nicknames, and made me feel different. Because of this, I don’t have any friends. I've always felt like an outsider. In fact, as a 20-year-old man, I’ve never even talked to a girl. I've spent my entire life avoiding social situations because everyone would joke about my stutter.
I failed in education as well. The only thing I found comfort in was my computer. While I didn't go to school much, I did spend a lot of time learning about IT and programming. For some reason, technology was different for me; I could understand it easily. I didn’t remember much of the math, science, or history I was supposed to learn, but I found myself drawn to video editing, design, and eventually, full-stack web development. I’ve gained a lot of knowledge in this area, and I think I’m actually good at it. I can build applications using tools like JavaScript, Node, and Next.js. Right now, I’m working on building a backend portfolio.
But despite this, I still feel like I’ve failed. I failed my country’s main exam once, and the second time I tried, I didn’t even show up because Iwas bitten by a snake, and honestly, I hadn’t studied anyway. Until I turned 18, I didn’t really feel the weight of all this. But now, I do. I feel alone. I feel like my chances in life are gone, and I don’t have another opportunity. Most of the time, I feel like I just need a hug.
I’ve always wanted to go to the USA, find my wife, and live my life there. But now, it seems like that dream is slipping away. When I told this to my friends, they just laughed at me. Everyone says, “You can't do that,” even my online gaming friends. And now, it seems like they were right. It brings me to tears whenever I think about it. I feel so alone. No one chats with me, no one calls me, no one.
I feel like a failure.
I’m from South Asia, and when I was younger, my dream was to go to the USA. I wanted to marry an American girl, have kids, and live a happy life. But now, that dream feels impossible. My family is poor, and I can't afford to get a degree. The cost is just too high. So, I’ve been trying to teach myself.
I’ve had this feeling of failure and loneliness for many months now, and it doesn’t seem to go away. There’s another exam coming up for my country, and I plan to take it, but I’m not sure I have the knowledge to pass.
That’s my reality. I feel alone, and I feel like I’ve failed. Do you think I can still achieve my dreams? Any advice?
You absolutely can still achieve your dreams. No one (especially cruel older school friends or online gaming people who haven't really met you in person) can make that decision for you. You get to make the choice and you can change everything.
In the middle of your message I really felt your passion for what you want to try to do in life. Does that exam help get you there? Most exams you can keep trying until you succeed. I would keep trying and study a bit. Believe in yourself that you do have the talent. If the exam doesn't work, then try to find another way. Maybe there are some more online courses that you could take to get yourself certified in something.
Let the rest of the stuff happen slowly but surely. Life is really a bunch of very tiny steps. And 20 is way too young to give up on taking those steps at all.
But all of this takes some strength from places that you probably currently aren't drawing on. First, are you doing the basics like eating healthy and drinking enough fluids. These give you physical energy to make it through the mentally tough spots. Second, keep coming here. If you add to this thread then I will answer it once per day. Having a place to both vent and plan can make things easier. YOu need someone cheering you on. Third, (and this is the hard one) you need to spend a little less time in the virtual world and more time in the real world. I am not talking about speaking to other people. I am suggesting that you need to get out of the house and just walk. Daily. When you set this up as a practice then your brain begins to loosen and think of new ideas to solve things.
Sending peace and strength. @Caesar2024
@bestVase7265
Hi bestVase7265,
I just created this account today, so I'm still unfamiliar with the website. I've only recently arrived. Why am I unable to send you a message?
Thank you!
You just did send me a message. There are lots of ways to communicate on the app. This version is what I call "the slow version". There are also chat rooms and listeners who will go back and forward with you in real time.
For this one, I will respond at least once per day as long as you add to the thread. I tend to go on the site every evening. Every so often I have to miss a day, but it is pretty rare.
I think this is a good spot to vent and just tell me about your day. How are things for you right now? @Caesar2024
Yes, I understand about the Asian culture part of things. I have worked with multiple people on this app from Asia and your experience is very common. In my opinion, it is the culture that is failing you rather than vice versa.
You've got the better attitude - just keep trying different things until you find success somewhere. Your school culture was toxic for a variety of reasons and was a place that you just couldn't learn. The only way that you learn is if you are offered opportunities to have confidence in yourself.
It sounds that you really do have that confidence in your own path, but taking it is tougher in your culture. That kind of means it is quite natural to have moments of great doubt like you just had. I know those moments of crisis are tough, but you really sound to me like you are headed in an excellent direction.
As far as the school stuff goes, you can actually find great resources online as well for almost any subject. Turn the computer into your friend on this front as well. Which subjects are you most concerned about? There are lots of ways to review. I work in education and could try to lead you towards some resources if you want.
Yes, not being able to change things is one of the more annoying things about 7 Cups. The easiest thing to do is to watch where I upvote your post. You can open up two "upvotes" in separate windows and then toggle between the two until the message looks like you want it to.
There is a slight chance that I might miss tomorrow night because our semester begins tomorrow. But I will definitely be back on Saturday, but I would still go with a 50% or so likelihood that I can get on tomorrow night.
Embracing your passions and utilizing your skills in video editing, design and web development can lead to a fulfilling and dynamic career. When these guys https://www.thefrontendcompany.com/case-studies were also taking their first steps and now they are professionals and earning well. Keep exploring, learning and showcasing your talents - your journey is sure to open up exciting opportunities for you!
@armmeoisa
Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement! 🌟 It means a lot to hear that others see potential in the path I’m on. I’ve always felt a connection with technology, even when other areas of life were challenging.
In Asia, if you don't pass the traditional education system, you're considered a lower-class person, even if you're extremely good at something else. I mean, I don't really care about other people's opinions, but you know, it is what it is.
Lately, I’ve been focusing fully on my education again, especially in science. It’s not easy, and I struggle with remembering what I’ve learned, but I’m trying different methods like creating diagrams with code, watching educational videos, and using Anki to improve my recall. It’s a slow process, and honestly, some of these science terms still feel like Harry Potter spells to me! 😂 But I think I’m making progress.
The example you shared of those who have succeeded despite humble beginnings is inspiring. It reminds me that success is a journey and not something that happens overnight. I’ll keep exploring, learning, and showcasing what I can do, just like you said.
Thank you again for the encouragement—I’ll keep your words in mind as I move forward.
Hoping things are going well.
@bestVase7265
Hey there! It's been a while! 😊
I’m not even sure where to begin. I just haven’t felt like logging in or visiting 7Cups, but after so many days, I wanted to give you an update. 🙌
So, remember that project I told you I was developing for my portfolio? Well, I finished it! But after completing it, I realized I learned *so* much—like really, *a lot*—and now I see that the code, while functional, isn’t as great as I initially thought. This has made me realize how much I've improved! I can now write better code that’s more efficient and follows principles like “Don’t Repeat Yourself.” So, I’ve decided not to use that project for my portfolio. Instead, I’ll work on something new with my improved skills. 😄
Right now, I’m focusing fully on my school education. I started with science, and as you can probably guess, I’m not doing great at it. I struggle to remember what I’ve learned even after just a few minutes.
To help with this, I’ve been creating diagrams using code—because, you know, I’m a developer—and then printing them out. I watch educational videos on YouTube and use software like Anki to help with recall. Another thing is that since I started learning again, I've been getting some headaches. I think it's because I'm reading and studying after so many years.
At first, it didn’t feel like anything was sticking, but after a few days, I think my brain is starting to remember a little more. You know me, I’ve never been much of a study person, so science words feel like Harry Potter spells to me! 😂 But after some effort, I think I’m improving.
I’ve also been feeling the urge to exercise. You suggested morning walks, but that’s a bit tricky here. In my country, if I go for a walk in the morning, people look at me like I’m an alien. Exercise isn’t common here, so they just stare and laugh. I’ve decided it’s better to exercise at home.
Thanks for listening, and I hope you’re doing well! Let’s catch up soon. 😊
You sound so much better than in your first message! I love to see the steps that you are taking forward.
Don't worry about how often you post or not. Do it when you want to report or if you just need a little encouragement after a bad day.
You are right about getting better at the coding if you realize that you can do a project even better. Keep up the good work!
And I love to hear about how you can use your computer training to figure out more science material for the exam. Have you ever tried Khan Academy? They have some great quizzes and learning modules in all sorts of subjects. You could also try Course Hero or Quizlet. Quizlet lets you create your own quizzes.
You might also get some help from the Pomodoro technique if you have any trouble with focusing on what you don't necessarily want to learn. Set a timer and study for 25 minutes. Then close the computer and do something without electronics for 5 minutes before going back to the studying. Repeat that process 2 or 3 times.
But it sounds like my suggestions aren't all that necessary. You are doing great! Go you! Your goals can still happen one step at a time. @Caesar2024
@bestVase7265
Oh man, I really messed up. I tried to pass the exam, but I think I blew it. There's only a short window left—maybe 4 or 5 months. I tried to study, but some subjects, especially science, just don’t stick with me. I pick things up while studying, but after a week, it’s like it’s all gone.
Right now, I have a total of 271 lessons, and I’ve only completed 22. That’s a small amount, and I know I need to work harder. But I got distracted. I started working on my portfolio, thinking I’d spend just a bit of time each day, but it turned into two and a half weeks with no studying. I wanted the code to be professional and scalable, so it took a lot more time than expected. I don’t think it was wasted, but I did neglect my exam prep.
Now I have a plan. I’m creating condensed notes for each lesson. I’ll use AI to help make sure they’re accurate and turn them into flashcards for RemNote. This method will cover all subjects except mathematics, which needs more problem-solving practice, so I'll keep studying math differently. After I finish the notes, I'll review and use the flashcards regularly.
I’ll take the exam, but if I don’t pass, this will be my last try. This will be my third attempt, and I can’t keep failing. If it doesn’t work out, I’ll focus entirely on web development. I won’t keep chasing the exam; it feels like chasing a mirage.
Also, I’ve recently started reading books. I’m a computer guy, always in front of a screen, so this is new for me, but it feels good.
You haven't blown it yet. You could do just fine. Just don't give up between now and the test. You have a plan that sounds quite impressive. You also don't have to finish every lesson to pass the exam. Just do your best.
And you are right - if you don't pass then you have other things you can try next. It's okay. It doesn't make you any less of a person.
I also love the fact that you are picking up some books. Not only is it good to take some screen breaks, but it also increases your creativity overall. I am so glad you are enjoying it. @Caesar2024
@bestVase7265
What do you think? Should I stop all web development and focus entirely on my exams, or should I develop a web development portfolio at a certain time each day? I mean, it might be challenging to step away from building something once I start.
What should I do during the next few months?
I would focus on the exams and give them a complete shot. The web stuff will be easy enough to pick back up afterwards. You deserve to be able to say to yourself that you did the best that you could on the exams. @Caesar2024
@bestVase7265
This morning, when I woke up, tears came to my eyes. I’ve cried a lot during the nights, not with actual tears, but deep within my heart. I cry silently, within my mind and soul. But today, there were real tears, and I couldn’t stop them.
I know why it happened. It’s because I look at my future while feeling like I’m failing right now. Even so, I know I will succeed. I will achieve my dreams. I will, I can, and I will do it. But the weight of these feelings made me cry.
I don’t think I have typical emotions. When most people cry, their faces show their sadness. For me, even though I was crying, my face didn’t change. The tears just kept coming, nonstop.
I always feel the same things: failure, loneliness, and silence. I barely speak many words in my life because I don’t have anyone to talk to. The only time I truly talked a lot was during the year I played video games and chatted with online friends. But those days are gone, and now I’m back to silence.
I’ve noticed that people between the ages of 18 and 25 often feel love and experience relationships deeply. Hormonal changes, brain development, and psychological factors probably play a big part in that.
But I’m not like them. I’m not an alien—I feel things, too. But instead of love or relationships, what I long for is success. At this age, I feel like I should be successful. That’s what matters to me most.
Tears came to me this morning, even though I didn’t want them. Other nights, the tears don’t come, but the feelings are still there, buried deep inside. And today, for some reason, those feelings rose to the surface.
I don’t want to cry. I don’t want the tears. But they came anyway.
I don’t want to become like others. I don’t want to go with tradition. I don’t want to become just another program in the system. I am different. I want to be different. I don’t follow others. I don’t follow human patterns. I choose different paths, different levels, different ways. I think differently. I don’t want to be a typical human.
The background I live in, my family, culture, and tradition, all follow a pattern. They act like a program that does tasks in a specific way. But I don’t want that. I feel, think, act, and do differently. I am not just an average person. I am more.
Yes, you can still absolutely achieve your dreams. I’m 38 years old and live in America and many times I feel like a failure. To be honest, I think it is a natural part of the human condition. Read the book: the power of now. You will gain grand insight into how to learn more about yourself and life and how to work on yourself. When you work from within yourself you will begin to see things line up for you.
Be patient with yourself and your dreams. Make a realistic plan with realistic goals and start by taking small steps toward your achievements. It doesn’t matter how long it takes as long as you stay on the path.
I wish you luck my fellow human!!!
