my wife left

@whyme11I am sorry this is all going on in your life. If you don't mind(and you don't have to agree what so ever it's just my input) if I share something I feel: Your wife, left but she never really said "bye" for good. She is giving you time to change and is showing that she will come back if you can do so. To me, I feel like this is her showing that she still wants to be with you but she also want's you to get better and for you to take the necessary actions to do so. Still, I can understand why you say it is "crappy" and I do agree that it can be. However, (and still all my opinion) I feel like this is a time for you to also decide what you want; do you want to get better? do you not care? etc. I'd love to hear more of your input... LaurenL

LaurenL, thank you for responding. Sure i want to get better. I do feel as though i have gotten better than i was when i first started feeling this way. I have had a lot of bad events in my life that should have left me depressed but i made it through them ok. I had one that i should have gotten out but left inside for many years. My wife went on night shift earlier this year or late last year. She worked sunday through thursday nights while i slept. Friday and Saturday nights she slept in another room with a baby. The only time i got to sleep with her was on sunday afternoon if i took a nap with her. I would snuggle up to her and rub her to try to interest her in something other than sleeping and nothing would happen. Early last summer my mom passed away and we had to drive 1400 miles for her funeral. We stopped at a motel after the first day of driving. About 2:30 in the morning i woke up because her phone was vibrating on the nightstand. She had just gone to the bathroom so i picked her phone up and saw the name of the boyfriend she had before me. I didnt say anything until recently and she said she never saw it. How could she not have. She said she wish i had said something then. She hasnt ever given me a reason to not trust her or maybe im just too naive. I dont know. Im just so confused about stuff. Again, thank you for caring enough to respond LaurenL

I don't think this is necassarily a matter of wanting to get better or trying hard enough to get better. That's not how clinical depression works. You can't just "snap out of it" and no amount of forced smiling can make it better.

There is a lot of stigma with depression in that the person suffering has a level of control over how they feel. And in some situations, people do - they can get out, try to interact more socially, etc. After a certain amount of time, however, when that doesn't seem to be effective or when people are struggling to find the motivation to even try to do something for themselves to help their mood - you're looking at something much more serious. Another indication that you may need more than self-help is when relationships become strained as a result of the depression.

Depression (particularly clinical depression) is better thought of like a medical illness, like type 1 diabetes. People are born with this disease and they need intervention from medical professionals to guide them on how to live their life with this condition. No one would choose to have this lifelong disease - and no one would choose to feel depressed and put a strain on their marriage and other relationships. This is not your fault. You are not choosing this - no one does. A good place to reference about this topic further is the Self-Help section on this site titled "Depression".

Your wife, like most people, doesn't understand the complexities of this illness. This lack of understanding is making it difficult for her to support you in the way that you need as you go through this. This isn't a one sided situation where you have to do all the work and she's just waiting for you to get better. If you do have clinical depression (which, again, only a professional can determine) it can be a lifelong disease andhave ups and downs. Sometimes people get brief intervention and things are okay from there on, and sometimes it's an ongoing process. Again, just like a medical illness. You may try to control a medical illness through exercise and diet, but you can still have "flare ups" from time to time that need intervention from a medical professional.

What's concerning to me now, is the lack of support you seem to have at the moment. And we're always here at 7 cups to support you emotionally by being good sounding boards and listeners. I also think it's worth a shot to talk to a professional about this, so you can develop a plan of action together, talk to your wife about the expectations of your treatment plan, and what you need from her to get through this together.

I'm sorry you are having a difficult time with depression, and I hope you're able to get help and work together with your wife to get through this.

TaraJean, thank you so very much for also responding. I have been seeing a counselor for a few weeks and she referred me to a group to do some cbt. I saw a psychologist for the first time for this day before yesterday. He says he can get me where i need to be after about 10 visits. I know it could take longer than that as i asked him for an estimate of how long it might take. He said it might take once a month for 6 months after that, then once every 3 months after that. I want to get better. I have had a lot of bad things happen in my life but have never felt like this before. I guess i held it all inside for too long. She ,my wife, kept badgering me to tell her what was wrong and i pointed her to some of the things i had looked at. She got madder than i had ever seen her get, and said no you just tell me. I dont know exactly what she wants me to tell her. Again i thank you for caring enough to respond and i do talk to people on here when i feel the need. I am so thankful i found this place and the people who take the time to talk to people like me. Bobby

That is so wonderful that you've been able to connect with some professionals and get on the path to healing and wellness! I'm excited and happy for you.

It's really positive that you're talking about things here, and with your doctors. You're seeking out to get the support you need and that's really great!

This is completely my opinion, but I feel like people who actively seek support and treatment are more motivated to participate in treatment and that gives them better outcomes. Keep at it and let us know how things are going!