Why I hate my country

So a good thing happened for me personally. I opened my first bank account ever. Whatever documents were needed, my sister helped me with it because it was a savings account and since I'm a student with no source of income, a family member had to be the beneficiary owner and a couple of that person's documents are needed. She helped me out. Help from my father was out of the question. But this account is completely mine, and why I feel as happy as I write this is because in the middle of all the turmoil I'm going regarding my future prospects I feel a sense of independence with this step which my father has forever robbed my mom of and always TRIED to rob my sister of. I could reach here pretty easily and earlier compared to them. Thanks to my sister for making the process a little easier.

The main topic of this post is sadly entirely different. I just wanted to get the reason of my good mood out. I would now like to rant about one of the 3 aspects that happened today which actually act as reminders as to why I hate my country. When I had reached my home and was paying the charge of transport, I saw one of the guards kicking away a stray dog who was just coming nearer to our building. Before he could get any up the steep surface he backed off quickly seeing the casual hit by the guard's leg. It was gutting. It was one of the many moments where I saw how casually, how disgustingly people here can be so cruel. Animal cruelty is a thing in Bangladesh. Actually, this subcontinent is very unkind itself and it's moments like this when evil realties resurface. I just couldn't get myself to shake off the absolute hurt and helplessness I felt for this dog, and many other ones out there who could just be possibly craving for nothing but a little love and kindness. I hated the guard. Then also I try to think about this man, who is one of the cruel men in this society. How do they grow up to be this desensitized and casually unkind? I don't think they even realise it is something immoral. I really thought of saying something to him, but you know what, I couldn't. For someone who lives in this country knows how futile it is because they wouldn't register a word. Would he stop doing that? Would he not display unkindness in any other form elsewhere? You can't change anything in the men of my country with just a few words of protest. Maybe it was wrong on my part too because of this belief. What kind of a 21 year old I am I don't know but it's definitely not a sorted or strong one yet, not as strong as I should be. I don't know what my words of protest should have been. I lack this ability to figure out to say the right thing on the spot during moments out of my comfort zone and moments of crisis. I don't know how to be strong and taken seriously. I don't know how to control my emotions when I think I might be creating a scene which I consciously know I am not but it will look like a scene in the context of desi society. Another thing is, I was scared. I am intimidated of men in this country when I see them doing something wrong and thinking about how to handle this situation myself because at the end of the day, I am not only a woman in the *** up South Asian society, I am also an person who comes from an awfully dysfunctional family who has left me traumas that keep acting as obstacles in my process of shaping up my true character and personality in a much stronger and healthier way, which I dream of. Anyway I just really felt terrible with the incident. I have been thinking for the past 2 months now to start volunteering, and I realised the 2 groups I would love to take part as a volunteer in is animal care (feeding stray dogs every week) and something related to environment (planting trees in local areas of the city would be the best one). The former would be for my inner peace. I also wanna learn how to care for them closely because the silly fear/uncertainty of being physically too close to dogs and cats haven't gone away yet, which needs to. I just don't know how to deal with the depressive moods that follow with incidents like this. When I say I am too sensitive, it doesn't come from a place of being overdramatic. What really makes it worse is my lack of coping mechanisms for these emotions.

When I'm in a better financial stage in life, with stable income, I would try to do something in a true sense regarding the animal cruelty of my country. I despise this.