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anikaasad
3 4,087 M Seeking Light 4
PathStep 5 Compassion hearts407 Forum posts256 Forum upvotes274 Current upvotes274 Age GroupAdult Last activeNovember, 2024 Member sinceJanuary 2, 2022
Recent forum posts
Happy Leap Day 🎊😅
Depression Support / by anikaasad
Last post
 February 29th
...See more I need to relearn quite many things. I need to learn to enjoy things, feel a little more, feel hope a little more, see things longer. I need my anxiety to be calmed down. Even as I type this, there's a slight restlessness and uncertainty inside. Since it's a unique day, I want it to be a start of new beginnings. I want to fear less, I want to have good things happen. I want to feel alive. I don't know how much I can do and how much is fate required to handle the rest. I'm confused right now. But I don't want to remain this way for longer. I want liveliness in myself. I want to feel happier again. I also want to be spiritually at peace. Here's to new beginnings, hopefully.
Why I hate my country
Depression Support / by anikaasad
Last post
 December 21st, 2023
...See more So a good thing happened for me personally. I opened my first bank account ever. Whatever documents were needed, my sister helped me with it because it was a savings account and since I'm a student with no source of income, a family member had to be the beneficiary owner and a couple of that person's documents are needed. She helped me out. Help from my father was out of the question. But this account is completely mine, and why I feel as happy as I write this is because in the middle of all the turmoil I'm going regarding my future prospects I feel a sense of independence with this step which my father has forever robbed my mom of and always TRIED to rob my sister of. I could reach here pretty easily and earlier compared to them. Thanks to my sister for making the process a little easier. The main topic of this post is sadly entirely different. I just wanted to get the reason of my good mood out. I would now like to rant about one of the 3 aspects that happened today which actually act as reminders as to why I hate my country. When I had reached my home and was paying the charge of transport, I saw one of the guards kicking away a stray dog who was just coming nearer to our building. Before he could get any up the steep surface he backed off quickly seeing the casual hit by the guard's leg. It was gutting. It was one of the many moments where I saw how casually, how disgustingly people here can be so cruel. Animal cruelty is a thing in Bangladesh. Actually, this subcontinent is very unkind itself and it's moments like this when evil realties resurface. I just couldn't get myself to shake off the absolute hurt and helplessness I felt for this dog, and many other ones out there who could just be possibly craving for nothing but a little love and kindness. I hated the guard. Then also I try to think about this man, who is one of the cruel men in this society. How do they grow up to be this desensitized and casually unkind? I don't think they even realise it is something immoral. I really thought of saying something to him, but you know what, I couldn't. For someone who lives in this country knows how futile it is because they wouldn't register a word. Would he stop doing that? Would he not display unkindness in any other form elsewhere? You can't change anything in the men of my country with just a few words of protest. Maybe it was wrong on my part too because of this belief. What kind of a 21 year old I am I don't know but it's definitely not a sorted or strong one yet, not as strong as I should be. I don't know what my words of protest should have been. I lack this ability to figure out to say the right thing on the spot during moments out of my comfort zone and moments of crisis. I don't know how to be strong and taken seriously. I don't know how to control my emotions when I think I might be creating a scene which I consciously know I am not but it will look like a scene in the context of desi society. Another thing is, I was scared. I am intimidated of men in this country when I see them doing something wrong and thinking about how to handle this situation myself because at the end of the day, I am not only a woman in the *** up South Asian society, I am also an person who comes from an awfully dysfunctional family who has left me traumas that keep acting as obstacles in my process of shaping up my true character and personality in a much stronger and healthier way, which I dream of. Anyway I just really felt terrible with the incident. I have been thinking for the past 2 months now to start volunteering, and I realised the 2 groups I would love to take part as a volunteer in is animal care (feeding stray dogs every week) and something related to environment (planting trees in local areas of the city would be the best one). The former would be for my inner peace. I also wanna learn how to care for them closely because the silly fear/uncertainty of being physically too close to dogs and cats haven't gone away yet, which needs to. I just don't know how to deal with the depressive moods that follow with incidents like this. When I say I am too sensitive, it doesn't come from a place of being overdramatic. What really makes it worse is my lack of coping mechanisms for these emotions. When I'm in a better financial stage in life, with stable income, I would try to do something in a true sense regarding the animal cruelty of my country. I despise this.
I don't know anymore
Depression Support / by anikaasad
Last post
 December 6th, 2023
...See more I think a very important thing that I have forgotten is the practice of cheering myself up. Making my mood better. All this trauma in 6 years has made me let go off that skill when I didn't even know it is a skill. Or is it not? I just remember when I was younger, I could naturally move on to something that helped me feel better. I can't do it anymore. I feel like it's something that needs effort. Now everything is hard. Now I just sit in the *** and everything feels hopeless until I begin to feel recovered. It is not healthy. You wouldn't have a healthy life this way. I fear having an unhealthy life. This is what I have always feared about adults.
Never ending issues
Depression Support / by anikaasad
Last post
 9 hours ago
...See more I have been keeping my mom at an arm's length since November when she failed to show me some support (like she always has) regarding my goal of going abroad in front my father. Also, she checked my igcse results. I took 5 subjects and had straight A-s in all of them. 3A* and 2A. She had seen them when they came out in August and was pleased. But when I went to collect the certificate in November and she saw them again, it was like she was seeing it for the first time. Upon seeing the A in Math, she was like "Then what help did your tutor gave you!" She immediately corrected herself and said she was happy but only I knew the ***-ery of that reaction which just made me mad. That's the first thing you comment? And why it looked like she was seeing it for the first time when she had already known my grades before? Because she is a forgetful person. She is a victim of psychiatric issues and a history of schizophrenia. She takes a lot of medicines, is in a better position now, and hasn't had an attack in a decade. But there are effects of an illness and its treatment, right? So she has the effects now, which include saying senseless stuff, saying the wrong stuff at the wrong moment, forgetfulness, hearing voices that aren't there when she is not busy. Oh Anika then cut her some slack!?" Please do not tell me this when you are not in my position. Just because a person has had mental challenges doesn't mean they cannot be a narcissistic person or parent. It doesn't mean they have no personality, which can be ugly, just like normal people. It doesn't mean they do not have children who have suffered because of them and their personality. It doesn't mean they didn't abuse their children emotionally. I never blame her psychological condition - that's a medical issue. Something no one had a control over. But her personality? I blame. Her spinelessness? I blame. Her hiding behind her illness and using it as a shield for multiple bad attitudes? I blame. Very rare are people whose both parents are narcissistic and only they know how complicated dynamics are and how *** up situations we go through. Her comment on my A is still one of the lightest of the things I have tolerated. There are worse. And my sister has dealt with the worst with being beaten at the age of 3 with her hands tied and what not, and she wasn't even a psychiatric patient then. What I want to emphasize on this post is what a big lack of coping mechanisms I have had for my mom all these years, and I continue to have none. Whatever I have suffered these 5 years and more which are my bad years I went through them painfully, esp in the case of my mom. We would just have ugly fights, then go back to being normal and nothing else. Every relationship needs to be healed, and I deserve a good life. I passed my exams this way, I don't want to pass the remaining life this way, having a problematic relationship with my mom. Any other time, I would still be fighting with her about her comment and the lack of support she shows for my abroad thing. But now I keep my door closed and limit contact and words with her because the stressful position I am in mentally would result in an escalation with her. She does nothing other than dismissing, refusing to admit her fault. A car cannot run on one tyre.  But I still suffer sometimes. Whenever I see her face, I remember the unresolved issues. I began to boil. I just drove her out of my room before I got into a fight. But how many more days like this? Without any coping strategy. I don't see any.
Don't know what to do
Depression Support / by anikaasad
Last post
 January 29th, 2023
...See more For the past few days I have been very doom and gloom. My exam date is approaching. May. I know one would think I have some time, and maybe I do but I feel so low in confidence. I am not someone who is confident and has faith on herself. I can't rely on myself. My 3 subjects are going okay. Physics I can manage if I keep revising. The 5th subject I have trouble with. If I give 5 igcses this May, I'd clear 10th which would be an achievement for me. Chemistry and Business, the thing with these two subjects is I had completed 3 of the 4 units of Chemistry long back when I was out of school. Before the pandemic during my period of gap in education. I got stuck in organic chemistry and.... that was about it. Business seemed easy to me but I have more than 30 chapters left to study first, let alone revise. I don't know which of these two I should focus in these months to prepare myself well. I am confused. I just want someone to shake me and tell me things. One could say I think a lot instead of doing the work, but I have done so much without thinking in a lot of cases where I ended up failing in the job either way. So I just want to have head straight and I don't know what to do.
New Year 2023 🧡
Depression Support / by anikaasad
Last post
 January 1st, 2023
...See more Entering the new year with prayers and some hope. Happy New Year. May God keep us all safe, happy and in a little better place. *
A heaviness in heart
Depression Support / by anikaasad
Last post
 December 5th, 2023
...See more Back here after a month or so. This is gonna be a little lengthy. On most occasions at this stage in my life when things happen, certain things I find hard to accept, which even if I want to share with the few people I am close to and trust, I can't. I try to. So hard. And yet I stop before letting words out of my mouth. One day my sister told me that I have become very guarded in these few years. I realized that's true. I don't know why many things that makes me sad/uneasy/helpless - I cannot share them with my sister or online friends. They are the only people I like to share some things. One may ask what about my parents? I can only laugh. I don't even go there now. So, as I was saying, I cannot share them with my sister. I was deeply thinking about it hours ago and then, I realized it's fear. I fear getting hurt in search for comfort from some people after a negative incident already. I fear being made to feel embarrassment/ashamed for how I feel about that negative incident. I don't like opening up. All these traumas are very alive in me even today. And that stops me from sharing. So yes, I am guarded with my sister and some others. So, again today I am feeling that way. Because I have an event to share that I am not able to digest. It is related to my Math tutor who I really admire a lot. She has been teaching me since August. She is a good person. Kind. Strong. Independent. Practical. Sensible. Perspective. A really skilled teacher. Most of all, she is the one person who saw through my dad and understood his personality which he tries so hard to hide in front of outsiders. She understands my academic situation. Teaches well. And I have shared a lot of things with her and got good advices and comfort. All these things combined made me admire and respect her. But something has been bothering me since my class with her this evening. We were talking about usual things at the end of the class and somehow we started discussing about my mother's illness, dysfunctional home etc - it was kept brief. My last words of the conversation were - "I was so upset last night. I talked to my sister and cried my heart out." I told her this and I could feel my eyes welling up with tears as soon as I shared this because I wasn't still over last night's sad mood. I was trying hard to control crying. I would not be surprised if the person in front of me saw it. In less than 3 seconds, she was like "okay anika, i shall take a leave. take care. i will come tomorrow" good. i bid her bye. opened the door. off she went. After closing the door, I sat there. And my head started hurting with all the questions. "Why did she want to leave immediately?"" Oh well, could she not see my tears?" "Did she just want to escape?" "Since she always says she is a straightforward person, isn't someone who can fake, isn't overly expressive, she didn't know how to react with me and just wanted to run away?" "Did she simply not want to console me with a very few words?" "Was she tired?" "Are 'practical' and 'straightforward' people always like this? Unemotional? Unattached? Don't know how to express or console someone sensitively? Or simply don't want to try and bother because it drains them out? Isn't it selfish? To choose not to comfort?" "Or did she just feel helpless she didn't know what to say and just wanted to leave me alone? Even if that's the case, I don't like it. That's not a good enough reason to me." I JUST COULDN'T DIGEST IT. I felt like I should have thrown a sarcastic question, something like "did i scare you with my emotions?" or something like that. To know why she wanted to take a leave as soon as I was trying to control my tears. Why? Are people always like this? They don't want to comfort and just run away from emotions? And the person suffering will just have to keep tolerating? This is the incident I cannot get my mind out of. The possible unpleasant reasons for her behaviour are making me uneasy. It leaves me realizing and questioning, basically I have no one to hold me, do I? I feel slightly hurt. Overwhelmed. Confused on how to react. I feel like revealing this to her when she comes tomorrow. But oh dear, in the very first of this post didn't I share my first problem : I am not comfortable opening up about things that hurt me. I am guarded. I don't know how to get this out of mind and stop feeling hurt by her. By other people like her too who will come in my life and I'll admire. Whereas the truth is nobody will give a damn whether I live or not. I just don't know what to do. How to feel better.
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