Venting my feelings
I am so tired of being unemployed, unaccomplished and living with my Dad. He is great and he has been so generous to myself and my husband since we were laid off last year. I just feel like such a waste of space and resources. All I do is sleep, cook, clean, apply for jobs, submit unemployment claims, and try to distract myself while my husband is working.
I woke up to a couple of strangers at the door today. My Dad had scheduled an appointment for a solar power consultation and forgotten to tell me they were showing up today. I had to answer without fixing my hair and I'm pretty sure they could tell I had just woken up. It was also around 11, so that didn't help. It was the most embarrassing thing that has happened to me in a while, and I could barely handle it. I could see the surprise in their faces when they asked to confirm that I am the daughter of the home owner. It seemed that they expected me to be younger, and I wouldn't fault them for that. I feel like the general opinion is that someone in their 30s would not be living with a parent.
They left a while ago and I just finished sobbing my eyes out while listening to a sad song on repeat. I didn't want to, but I had to let everything out. Sometimes I feel like as much as antidepressants help me not to feel so hopeless, they also numb my feelings to the point where I have to put on a song or a scene that makes me feel emotional before I am able to cry. I have contemplated tapering off my usage of them, but I also worry that I have become too dependent on them. I worry that it would only make things worse. I desperately need to get back into therapy, but there is no way I could afford it without a full time job. The only person I have to talk to about these intense feelings is my husband, and I don't want to put all of this on him. I ended all my close friendships when I was younger because they were not good to me or for me, and it's so hard for me to make new friends, especially at my age. Even if I did manage to make a new friend, it would take a long time for me to feel comfortable sharing these feelings with them. I just feel so stuck and I hope that things get better soon.
I also want to add that I am grateful for everything I have, and I feel guilty even being upset because I know that other people have it much worse than I do. I know I don't have a monopoly on pain. I just wanted to share this to try to connect with anyone who could understand what I am feeling so we could help each other. Please respond if you can empathize with what I am feeling. I am a great listener and I think it would be nice to talk about it.
@Kayla0721 Hi there. I can't imagine how you are feeling but I wanted to say that I think it is beautiful that you have such a supportive father. Sometimes in life we all have low points and some things are just beyond our control. We may not be where we want to be ideally at our age and that is ok. Remember: things won't always be this way. And right now you are so blessed to have such an amazing, supportive parent in your life to help ease some of that burden. And guess what? You are doing the same thing. You say you cook and clean and help out because you do not have a job right now. That is your way of giving back and helping out around the house. Those are just some ways you are letting your dad know that you are appreciative and grateful. You have nothing to feel ashamed about, nothing to feel like a failure. Family is supposed to be there for you during the hard times and you have that. I say you are blessed. Beyond blessed. I applaud the fact that you are putting fourth the effort to look and find your way. I wish you all the best on that. I also wanted to say that I am so sorry to hear that you had to deal with such an embarrassing moment. On the bright side, those people who stopped by may never see you again so it is something that should blow over. I am sorry you had to cry. You deal with things the way you see fit. <3 Sending healing vibes for you and hoping things get better for you, your husband, and your family. All your feelings are valid so you never have to feel bad or guilty. Take care.
I can really empathize with what you are talking about. I too went through a period where I couldn't find a job and it was really hard.
Remind yourself that there is no trajectory for jobs or for healing that is the same for each person. You aren't any less worthy because you are at a low point and living with your dad right now.
If you can't afford therapy, then come here.
This is a great spot to vent. Daily. If you just keep writing on this thread, I will keep responding to it. It can really help. @Kayla0721
Thank you so much to both of you for your understanding and support. I feel so fortunate to have such a caring and supportive father, and I don't know what we would have done without him. I am also very grateful for this platform. I've come here before during another low point in my life and the listener I talked to was very helpful. The people who contribute to this app are providing a very important and essential service.
I am feeling better today. I am a highly sensitive person, so every emotion is heightened. When I'm sad, it feels more like despair, and I just have to let it all out before I can move past it.
I hope the both of you are doing well and that you have a good day 🙂
Remind yourself that highly sensitive is also a strength, not just a weakness. It allows you to see others' pain more easily and be able to react and help.
What does a typical day look like for you?@Kayla0721
Yes, that is a good point. When I'm happy, that is intense too, and it feels great. On a typical day, I take care of various chores around the house, including caring for our cat, cooking, laundry and dishes.
I also search and apply for jobs, but I haven't had much luck there. I had a phone interview last week, but the company was just looking for people to keep on reserve when a position opens up, so I don't know if it will lead to anything. I also watch TV, read and play games. My husband Nik and I have been taking turns playing Hogwarts Legacy and sometimes I play The Sims. I also try to keep up with current events and politics whenever I am able to handle the emotions that come along with that.
Those are all good things. What do you like best - cleaning, cooking, laundry, dishes, or the cat? My favorite would be the cooking.
I try to use those moments to escape the rest of it. The game playing is good too for the same reason - it allows you to rest. You are right about doing politics in small doses. There is tons to feel despair about right now in that regard. But, knowledge is power and fighting back is essential.
It sounds like you are doing well with the job hunt. Doing it in large doses can be really hard. Doing a little bit each day at a steady pace is best. You will find something.@Kayla0721
