Venting my feelings
I am so tired of being unemployed, unaccomplished and living with my Dad. He is great and he has been so generous to myself and my husband since we were laid off last year. I just feel like such a waste of space and resources. All I do is sleep, cook, clean, apply for jobs, submit unemployment claims, and try to distract myself while my husband is working.
I woke up to a couple of strangers at the door today. My Dad had scheduled an appointment for a solar power consultation and forgotten to tell me they were showing up today. I had to answer without fixing my hair and I'm pretty sure they could tell I had just woken up. It was also around 11, so that didn't help. It was the most embarrassing thing that has happened to me in a while, and I could barely handle it. I could see the surprise in their faces when they asked to confirm that I am the daughter of the home owner. It seemed that they expected me to be younger, and I wouldn't fault them for that. I feel like the general opinion is that someone in their 30s would not be living with a parent.
They left a while ago and I just finished sobbing my eyes out while listening to a sad song on repeat. I didn't want to, but I had to let everything out. Sometimes I feel like as much as antidepressants help me not to feel so hopeless, they also numb my feelings to the point where I have to put on a song or a scene that makes me feel emotional before I am able to cry. I have contemplated tapering off my usage of them, but I also worry that I have become too dependent on them. I worry that it would only make things worse. I desperately need to get back into therapy, but there is no way I could afford it without a full time job. The only person I have to talk to about these intense feelings is my husband, and I don't want to put all of this on him. I ended all my close friendships when I was younger because they were not good to me or for me, and it's so hard for me to make new friends, especially at my age. Even if I did manage to make a new friend, it would take a long time for me to feel comfortable sharing these feelings with them. I just feel so stuck and I hope that things get better soon.
I also want to add that I am grateful for everything I have, and I feel guilty even being upset because I know that other people have it much worse than I do. I know I don't have a monopoly on pain. I just wanted to share this to try to connect with anyone who could understand what I am feeling so we could help each other. Please respond if you can empathize with what I am feeling. I am a great listener and I think it would be nice to talk about it.