Two sides of me.
There are two sides of me. One that wants to change the world, sees a bright future and happiness in it.
But then there's the other one. Who on her way to work walks over a bridge and tells herself, "No, not today." I want to jump, end this emptiness and pain, loneliness and misery. But who knows, maybe one day there will be "Today." See, no one knows that I feel like that. All they tell me that I need work, go out more, and be positive. That I'll get through it. Some even laugh when I tell that I'm tired. My own family just ignores the fact that something is truly wrong. Yeah, maybe "Today" won't come till I pay back my student loan so my parents wouldn't have to pay it, they don't have money. But that means 10 more years I have to be alive. I can barely work, but I need money if I want to go to see a specialist. Who am I kidding, I will never go see a specialist. I'm lonely. Friends? Ha..... The moment I feel like I get a friend, they leave me. Everyone leaves me. I hate to be around people, because my "happy, sunny and funny" side comes up and no one has a clue how I actually would want to jump off a bridge than work, go out or clean my room. I hate that happy side of me. I hate it. Because it's all people see. They don't see the tears when I walk over that bridge. They don't see the pain and tears when I feel like a loser at my work, because I can't do something and then can't sleep because of anxiety. I think I only want to go to work so I wouldn't have to stay home with my parents who are jobless. Oh, they say clean person always feels better, Yeah....I don't have a shower or any other chance to wash myself. My skin gets blackish because of all the dirt..... They only way to wash myself is kitchen sink. How cool is that.....
Everyone knows how to give advices but no one actually listens. I know same will be here. It's everywhere. I don't know why I even post this....
No one knows how much I want to end my life and how tired I am. That I want to work, be better person, but I can't....
@MusicDraw
Sweetie. I'm here. I'll listen.
You are in a lot of pain. It's ok not to be ok and it's more than ok to show it. You are entitled to be seen and heard. That means all of you, not just the sunny happy parts. I'm sorry you don't have that in your life. You can have it here.
It's exhausting to keep pretending. Lay it down for a little while and rest in the company of those who will see you and never judge you.
@Mirea The sad part is that I've used to be invisible. And it's hard to show people the other side, because then comes guilt. "Oh, I shouldn't take up their time, they have problems on their own, I can't ask them deal with mine too, etc...." The fact that my own family doesn't even hear what I say is something that hurts me a lot. What are they for if not for support and help? So, I give up on them.
I wish I could be brave and show weakness at my work, show my fear. But I can't because I'm afraid I will lose it. I'm stressed out, losing my hair because of it..... And that upsets me and it becomes a never ending cycle. And if I show my sad side to anyone else, I get the usual standard package of "Go out more, work, bla bla bla". Maybe it's because I live in a country where mental health is rarely talked about, no good education about it, and t.ex depression is sign of laziness.
The pain is always with me. Maybe except on lunch breaks when I sit, eat and read a book. But as soon as I remember how I have to go back to work, have to go back home, it's back. I wake up with it and got to sleep with pain. At least I don't cut myself anymore. Even though I want to. So, sometimes I drink, not a lot, but just a can of something. I love the diziness, it makes me think less. Overthinking and overanalyzing, it has it's perks but quite often it causes only more problems. I ruin moments, good moments by overthinking why I said this, or why I did that..... I try not to think what other people think of me, but at the same time, I always think what my collegues or my boss think of me. And it's never the good thoughts. And then two other sides fight, one that tells that they were the ones who gave me the job, the ones who give me the chance. And I that I try to do it and it's totally normal that I might not be perfect for it. That I'm still learning.
I'm sorry if this is chaotic and sort of stupid....
@MusicDraw
That's not at all stupid or chaotic. I completely understand about over thinking, overanalyzing. It gets your mind stuck in a loop. I know what that's like and it's painful.
I'm so sorry you have no support in your life. From what you've written here, you're carrying on despite the incredible suffering you're feeling and the loneliness of having no one to talk to. That is so strong and brave! I don't know how I'd carry on if I were in your shoes. I hope you take time to recognize and admire that in yourself sometimes.
@Mirea
Thanks for understanding. It means a lot.
I wish I could stop my thoughts more often, enjoy the moment. Ive tried exercises and meditation, but I dont have patience. I cant force it.
I know its my own fault too that Im lonely. Its because I tend to push people away. Once things seem to be quite good, I began to avoid them, push them away. And then wish they wouldnt give up on me and come back. I have some people who would listen to me and actually hear what I say, but theyre in other country. Skype chats arent the same as real life conversation. But I also dont have friends because Ive always been a loner, more interested in books, life and deeper things, than who slept with who and how many doctors person has. I should people with similar interests, yes, but again, I get attached to people very fast and then get hurt. So, I sort of stopped trying to find friends. I always feel like I never fit in. Though, maybe I simply dont find a way how to fit in. Even in my family I have a feeling that theres the family, and then theres me.
I know I might be strong, but quite often I wish Id be weak. Given up on life. Because everyone help weak ones, but no one helps the strong, because theyll ‘pull through themselves, they are strong, they dont need help. Rarely anyone think about the fact that those strong ones might be carrying a lot more weight than those who are considered 'weak'. I put up smile when I want to die, I go to work when I wish I could sleep, I help others with their problems but never talk about my own. Sometimes I truly hate that Im carrying on. I wish that I could sit down and simply tell I give up. And…. be done. Have that ‘Today moment. Maybe then the hole in my chest would take me over and Id feel really calm, feel light even though I quite possibly be dead the next moment. But yeah, that strong me doesn't let that happen, so I tear myself up between those emotions.
