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MusicDraw
1,535 M Little Steps 5
PathStep 120 Compassion hearts66 Forum posts51 Forum upvotes33 Current upvotes33 Age GroupAdult Last activeSeptember, 2017 Member sinceNovember 6, 2015
Recent forum posts
Lost because of the new job
Anxiety Support / by MusicDraw
Last post
 September 23rd, 2016
...See more I'm at this new job, it sort of pays well, colleagues are pretty cool but..... I'm not sure if this work is for me. Here I have to admit that I have no idea what job is for me. I'm so lost and confused that the only thing I want is to crawl under blanket and stay there. I'm always stressed out about the work, thinking what if I fail? What if I don't understand what customer says (I have to use language that I'm not very fluent at)? What if I mess up? Then I think, but where else will I go? I'm a mess and I won't feel good at any work. I got that pressure from family, who tells me that I'd be stupid if I left so soon. I have this 3 month period after which employer might tell me that I can't continue. And I know if he'll do that, I'll be super messed up, because I already feel like I'm not good enough for anything. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I got no one to talk about how I feel about the work, because I got blamed, judged and feel guilty for even feeling like this. Stress has already shown it's influence, hair's falling out, I have to use sedative. And I have a feeling that if I'll quit my job so soon, I'll quit my life too. Because I won't be able to take it anymore.
Two sides of me.
Depression Support / by MusicDraw
Last post
 August 28th, 2016
...See more There are two sides of me. One that wants to change the world, sees a bright future and happiness in it. But then there's the other one. Who on her way to work walks over a bridge and tells herself, "No, not today." I want to jump, end this emptiness and pain, loneliness and misery. But who knows, maybe one day there will be "Today." See, no one knows that I feel like that. All they tell me that I need work, go out more, and be positive. That I'll get through it. Some even laugh when I tell that I'm tired. My own family just ignores the fact that something is truly wrong. Yeah, maybe "Today" won't come till I pay back my student loan so my parents wouldn't have to pay it, they don't have money. But that means 10 more years I have to be alive. I can barely work, but I need money if I want to go to see a specialist. Who am I kidding, I will never go see a specialist. I'm lonely. Friends? Ha..... The moment I feel like I get a friend, they leave me. Everyone leaves me. I hate to be around people, because my "happy, sunny and funny" side comes up and no one has a clue how I actually would want to jump off a bridge than work, go out or clean my room. I hate that happy side of me. I hate it. Because it's all people see. They don't see the tears when I walk over that bridge. They don't see the pain and tears when I feel like a loser at my work, because I can't do something and then can't sleep because of anxiety. I think I only want to go to work so I wouldn't have to stay home with my parents who are jobless. Oh, they say clean person always feels better, Yeah....I don't have a shower or any other chance to wash myself. My skin gets blackish because of all the dirt..... They only way to wash myself is kitchen sink. How cool is that..... Everyone knows how to give advices but no one actually listens. I know same will be here. It's everywhere. I don't know why I even post this.... No one knows how much I want to end my life and how tired I am. That I want to work, be better person, but I can't....
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