Therapy starts Thursday, thinking deeply, I need it to work this time.
I visit the therapist for my first session (of this particular course of therapy) on Thursday... I'm nervous for it. I've never really got much out of therapy because I've always been so closed off. I've always been so closed off because I'm scared to say out loud why I think I'm so depressed. I think I'm so depressed because I'm ultimately a bad person. I know I'm a bad person, I'm selfish, manipulative, immature, attention-seeking, sociopathic, petty, passive-aggressive, uncaring, irritable, unapproachable and antisocial. I've always known this, I even know when I'm about to do something that confirms it, yet somehow unable to resist doing those things because doing them is just my nature.
I hate myself as a result, I know that what I am and the way I act just isn't right. It's why people quickly go off me after getting to know me. I end up lonely, humans are social animals, loneliness makes one less of a human. I don't interact and my empathy skills weaken.
It's a vicious cycle, the worse I am the worse I become, the more depressed I become, the more I act badly, the more people avoid me, the more lonely I become, the worse I get.
Yet I tell myself that deep down I'm a good person. I lie to myself, I know I'm lying to myself. I indulge in fantasies where people think I'm a good person. The elephant in the room is... if I'm such a good person, why am I so depressed?
Un bon coeur nourrit un bon esprit.
All I can say is it's gonna be an awesome new journey. Get excited for therapy because it will challenge you to think in a different way
Two things that help me when I'm really depressed:
1. What evidence do I have that I'm worthless? Can I prove it to an objective listener? I've tried. Believe me, I've tried HARD. Can't do it. Since I have no evidence, and can't prove it, I'm obviously not worthless.
2. Would I let a friend talk about someone the way I'm talking about myself? When I start talking about how I'm worthless, I'm a loser, I may as well not exist, etc., I stop and ask, would I let a friend say those things about someone? Well....no! I wouldn't let a STRANGER talk about someone like that! Then why am I letting MYSELF talk about someone like that? Why am I letting myself talk about ME like that?
@FlamingosWearLipstick
thanks for responding!
to answer question 1, I feel I need no evidence. It's just a thing I know. It's the sinking feeling when i look in the mirror and realise noone will ever love me. It's the inconvenient truth I feel i can't escape in all my attempts to make myself more likeable. It's the obvious, commonsense thing I pretend I haven't noticed.
to question 2, of course I would defend anyone spoken about in that manner, bit then I'm unique in my awfulness and can't be compared to others in that way. I feel bad that I even posted this knowing that someone would refuse to believe anyone could be that awful and try and boost my ego by defending me. Because until someone meets me, of course they will think nobody could be so awful.
@Indigopineapple thanks for replying!
On question 1. Your therapist may want evidence. Hundreds of years ago, everybody knew the sun went around the earth. everybody knew the earth was flat. it was just a thing they knew. until there was evidence proving them wrong. You have over 2500 Compassion Hearts. That's evidence that people at the very least like you. Don't worry about making yourself more likeable. make yourself more YOU. when I started therapy this last time, there were three me's that showed up. there was depressed me, there was manic me, and there was anxious me. None of them were ME me.imagine Cam newton. great athlete, right? Now give him a broken arm. you wouldn't expect him to go out and play his best. Cam couldn't do much of anything if his throwing arm was broken. he'd be Broken Arm Cam. just like you're Depressed Indigopineapple.
On question 2. My dear pineapple, your ego needs no boosting. you've already determined that you're completely unique and the awfulest person who ever awfuled. That, my friend, is ego speaking. Charles Manson. Osama Bin Laden. Saddam Hussein. Jim Jones. Pol Pot. Adolph Hitler. Emperor Hirohito. Attila the Hun. Genghis Khan. Idi Amin. I could go on and on and on. I believe in awful. I believe in evil. I know people could be so awful. But I've seen what you've written on your feed. For you, I believe in severe depression.
Please. Please, please, please, give therapy a chance. I know how hard it is to open up. I know how hard it is to be vulnerable, to share what's deep down inside. And it may not happen right away. But I truly believe that if you give it a heartfelt try, therapy will be able to help you find the REAL you.
@FlamingosWearLipstick
thanks, it's very kind of you to say those things, I feel I'm not worthy of such kind words. I'm really not, maybe a dictator is an extreme example, but there are still people we feel are bad people, that's the level I feel I'm at. I try and tell myself I'm not.
@Indigopineapple I'm not aiming for kind, my friend. If that's what's coming across, I apologize. I'm missing my mark. I'm aiming for more of a bless your heart. you keep saying how awful you are, how you're the awfulest awfuler who ever awfuled. That's where dictators fall. That's where people like Vlad the Impaler fall. Or Ayatollah Khomeini. Or perhaps you're a little less awful... Maybe Timothy McVeigh or John Wayne Gacy? Or Freddy Kreuger, Jason, or Michael Myers?
here's what I'm trying to get at: YOU ARE NOT AWFUL. YOU HAVE AN ILLNESS THAT IS MAKING YOU FEEL THAT WAY. My therapist, gods love her, has the perfect temperment to deal with me. When I'm feeling super depressed and going on about how worthless I am, she'll look me dead in the eye and snap "Well what in the *** makes you think THAT?" And I can't prove it. I have no evidence to support my worthlessness. None. I can only point to the time I cheered this person up, or helped that person with some homework. If I do manage to find something I did that was a teeny tiny bit maybe a little bad, she'll snort and tell me her 8 year old does worse things than that all the time.
"Bad people" may be the level you feel you're at. But you're only correct when you tell yourself you're not. A broken leg would make you run slow. Mental illness makes you think you're a horrible person.
@FlamingosWearLipstick amen person!
@Indigopineapple
What you need to do is acknowledge yourself.
That you are not a good person. That you are what you had said above. Fully acknowledge yourself is the first step of accepting yourself. When you start to accept yourself, you can start to change and improve yourself. Once you can accept the bad parts of yourself, you can strive for the better.
For example, you said you are " uncaring, irritable, unapproachable ". What and why is it making you like that? Work on being more caring, less irritable and become more approachable. Accept that you are uncaring so that you can become more caring. Lying to yourself won't solve any of the problems presented. But telling yourself the cold hard truth will.
Best~
@SenpaiXD I hope therapy can help me answer those questions, but everything I've thought of so far has just seemed like an excuse, and I don't want to be one of those people who uses excuses to avoid truths. In this case, I feel there is a way to save myself.
@Indigopineapple
When you have hope, then there is definitely a way.
What you should do is talk to the therapist and find out more about yourself. Therapy can be a great help if you accept it.
Best~
@SenpaiXD
I guess I'm nervous because I've never been very good at explaining exactly what I'm thinking and how I'm feeling, and it's hampered me getting any real help from therapy. Whether it's shame about how I'm feeling, shame about my personality or not wanting to let the therapist down by admitting if I don't think something's helping. I just smile and nod and say 'thank you, I feel much better now' and then leave.
@Indigopineapple I am so proud of you for seeking therapy, it can be very very hard for someone with sociopathic tendancies to seek therapy or even consider it, well done!! This will change your life and maybe one day you can help other people or men like you:)
@peacefulSoul8
Thanks, I think my issues are made worse by the fact that I'm aware of them. I know exactly exactly what kind of person I am and yet am unable to simply change my ways. I don't offer that as an excuse to allow me to not have to change, just to make the point that it's difficult and trying to do it on my own has exhausted me to the absolute limit.
My ex-girlfriend had possible narcissistic personality disorder (although NPD distorts your perceptions of reality, it may have been me that had it and she was great, my sense of self has a lot in common with Inception). There were other people who thought she had something though, I wouldn't be even saying this if it hadn't been other people telling me they thought she was narcissistic, possibly even showing traits of Munchausen's. In any case, if true she was unaware and perfectly happy in her own self-worth as I imagine most sociopaths are. Although I wouldn't compare the suffering I feel to the suffering I cause in others, knowing what I am causes some suffering,
The first or the first few therapy sessions might not work, but I'm glad that you're persisting to improve yourself! It's not easy opening up to someone so just you able to do that alone is impressive. :) I hope it goes well and learn to eventually love yourself xx
It was today... was quite intense and difficult.
@Indigopineapple
@Indigopineapple I am SO PROUD OF YOU for going through with it today. SUPER PROUD.
Intense and difficult are probably the two best words to describe beginning therapy.
My question....was it helpful? Do you see a benefit in going forward with therapy? I know you were nervous, and didn't think you'd get much out of it. And you thought it would just confirm that you're the awfulest person who ever awfuled. Ever ever. How do you feel about it now?
(I'm starting to think I may want to be a therapist when I grow up. I'd be good at it. Or else a professional neighborhood busybody. 
)
@FlamingosWearLipstick
I don't feel expectant that it will help, but it was something a bit different to what I've had before so I feel like maybe, just maybe, it will work. I wish I could turn off the sources of depression and anxiety and focus a bit harder though, the boss who told me in retrospect I was the wrong person for the job, the client who told me I needed to get more professional, the friend of a friend who told me I was 'probably autistic', the manager who told me that I can't take leave till October (even though I've been working there since January and am yet to take any leave) because they can't cover my position, right now my head is wrecked, I've been working all day and see no end to it.
The therapist did indeed tell me similar things to what you tell me, but it could be some time before I'm able to believe her, or you or anyone else who says nice things about me (who are few and far between).
I feel like just calling in sick on Monday.