Indigopineapple Member Profile

Love, something that happens to other people, like Olympic gold medals.

Relationship Stress / by Indigopineapple

January 17th, 2022

...See more I have a lot of conflicting thoughts about why I'm not, never have been and probably never will be in a genuine relationship. I don't particularly enjoy this aspect of my life, but I know being all 'I'll never get a girlfriend, woe is me' isn't a good look, and I don't want to be too whiny about things'. I don't want to be just another sadboi that people will back away from because it starts to sound a bit incelly; so I tend not to voice my thoughts, and just argue with myself internally instead. Basically, I find it impossible to believe that I stand a chance, ever, of being in a relationship. I have tried to change my thinking; because people will tell me that if you don't believe something can happen then it will never happen. I just can't do it though, it seems too cringe to me, telling myself that I can meet someone who is interested in me and might lead to something just feels like a lie. I can't suspend disbelief enough to believe in it. I feel like there must be something within my pysche that holds me back. Relationships are a normal part of life, not something only ever experienced by an elite few (the gold medal analogy). Surely I'm not just exceptionally unsuited to them. I can't be the ugliest, creepiest or dullest human to ever walk the Earth, I know that these would be ridiculous statements, and people in my situation are generally told that 'you're being your own worst enemy'. At the same time, I know that I'm really nothing special. I'm socially awkward and very uncharismatic; I know for a fact that I'm unattractive because I've been told enough times (people, even sometimes well-meaning people have this thing where they seem to think ugly people have just learned to laugh at themselves) and I have no particular talents, I don't create anything of any real beauty or value, don't play any musical instruments to any degree of competency, and so on, I've tried but I don't really ever get better at anything. I wouldn't be excessively down on myself if I said that I was probably in the bottom 5% or so when it comes to relationship appeal. It sounds like a really pessimistic thing to say but 5% means one out of every 20 people, which isn't really that unbelievable. So I'm conflicted between the desire to understand what it is that is holding me back and what feels like an imperative to just come to terms with who I am, and the fact that there is nothing about me that has ever been considered attractive. I have been in a relationship... once, for 15 months, 12 years ago. I don't feel like it should count though, she was just looking for the next person to come along. I'm wary about claiming it amounted to psychological abuse because that's what incels do, and one time I did bring some of the stuff she did to me up with a therapist and was just quickly shut down and accused of trotting out the crazy ex-girlfriend trope that guys use to blame their mental health issues on women. It was rocky though and I felt on an emotional knife-edge for the majority of it, there was no love there really, some initial co-dependence and then I was made to sleep on the sofa. I also made some very bad decisions which at the time I felt I had no choice in and some of which still impact my life to this day. I constantly felt at fault and that all the punishments doled out to me were justified, I had bouts of total amnesia (like I mean total, entire weeks just erased) I gave up almost everything I had and when the relationship ended I had to rebuild my life from scratch. Since then I had sex a couple of times, about six years ago now... just a FWB thing, we're still friends but long-distance friends who speak occasionally on FB. Even before the relationship though my dating life was very much unsuccessful. First kiss at 21 who turned out to only be trying to make her boyfriend jealous (it worked), almost lost my virginity at 23, with the second girl I ever kissed, but chickened out and it became awkward. I regret that, she was nice and did just want no-strings-attached sex, with me of all people, but by that point I was convinced that sex would just ruin it, I was 23 and would be expected to be good at sex and it would be nice to get to know her but there was no way she would want to ever see me again. I never did see her again but heard from a mutual friend that she was pretty angry at me for not going through with it. Eventually lost my virginity at 27 with the girl I was in a relationship with, the third girl I ever kissed.

Forums are far to complicated (too many subforums, subforums constantly being created and deleted)

Site Updates / by Indigopineapple

September 9th, 2016

...See more I don't know about anyone else but I find the forum to be massively user-unfriendly, simply because there are far too many subforums, and also because it can be difficult to keep track of forum posts as forms are constantly moved, renamed, deleted and created. For me, my frustration at the moment is that I had a really important post in the General Support subforum, I poured my heart out over a period of days and engaged in a really useful conversation with a kind person who took the time to read what I had written. I have a notification saying I have a new response in that forum, but the link goes nowhere because the General Support subforum is gone. I don't know what happened to it, whether it has been moved, renamed or deleted, or what happens to the threads inside a subforum when this changes, but it makes me anxious to know that someone reached out to me and I cannot know what they said, or that I put so much effort into putting my thoughts out there, and that was potentially a waste of time if the thread has now just been lost amidst the shifting sands of the 7cups forum. Besides my problem I think there are some general issues with having too many subforums, that could apply to any forum but especially to one where the users are desperate to be helped and may have issues dealing with complexity such as anxiety, or short attention spans, and can easily become disheartened if the process of seeking help proves too difficult. - Over-categorising things can make it harder to work out which subforum a post belongs in. Say, for example someone has a question about autism. Rather than just posting in the autism subforum, they have to decide which of the six autism subforums is the most appropriate. - Trying to create a specific subforum for every concievable type of post means that the forums are general enough in scope, everything is too specific and it becomes too difficult to find the appropriate forum for a more general or unusual post. - On the other hand, you can end up with overlap between the purposes of subforums, leaving someone with a difficult choice between two subforums, both of which seem appropriate for thier request but have different people using them. - Too many subforums spreads the community too thinly. Instead of having well-used forums with lots of people contributing to a single discussion on a general topic, you get lots of seldom-used forums which have maybe only had a handful of posts in their entire existence. A problem made even harded by the fact that any given subforum can disappear at a moments notice. - Changing the structure of the forum creates lots of broken links with notifications, it really is frustrating to know that someone responded to a post of yours but you can't see it because the forum is gone. I do get that the reasoning behind all the subforums is that mental health is a broad subject area with many very different issues people area facing, and 7cups is trying to bring people as close as possible with others who can empathise. However I don't think we should exclude people from empathising just because of a small difference between their condition and ours. Does we really need different forums under the anxiety heading for each different cause of anxiety, social/performance/health etc. All of these people are experiencing anxiety, the fact they're experiencing it for different reasons doesn't mean they can't help each other. Similar with depression having a specific subforum for seasonal affected disorder, and autism having a specific subforum for autism in literature. Is there really any need for threads on those topics to be placed in a separate subforum away from the rest of the discussion? My suggestion would be please pretty please, create a smaller selection of more generalised subforums (e.g. Autism spectrum / eating disorders / anxiety and depression / psychosis) and stick to that list and stop having weekly reviews (so it seems) where everything is changed around.

Therapy starts Thursday, thinking deeply, I need it to work this time.

Depression Support / by Indigopineapple

July 26th, 2016

My Depression Diary

Journals & Diaries / by Indigopineapple

May 9th, 2016

...See more I just thought I would scribble my thoughts down somewhere where other people could see them, and then someone might relate. Right now I feel meaningless and lost and small and alone. I earn money from doing something I'm bad at, it's an administrative role, requires attention to detail, focus and organisational skills, none of which I have. It's just not 'me' I don't care to tell anyone what I do for a living, I don't like admitting what I do for a living, my job doesn't feel worthwhile it doesn't fit well with the skills I do have. I just go in every day, let everyone else down and leave feeling like a failure. I try and earn money from doing something I'm good at, photography. I did this full-time for 3 years but never earned enough to get my own place and so got a full time job. This makes me feel like a failure as an entrepreneur. I still do paid photography work, but now I feel I'm struggling to find time for two jobs, I don't know if what I'm doing is actually benefiting my career as a photographer and now I question if I'm a failure as a photographer too as I spent years working towards an accreditation and failed, when most of those who go for it get it without even having to spend years at it. So in reality I have no skills, no talents, no value as a human being, nobody cares who I am who isn't biologically preprogrammed to care. I have friends but not close friends, just people to whom I'm another member of the group. Someone who turned up and wasn't objectionable enough to tell to go away. I have never been loved, and never will be because I'm too unremarkable, I'm just a nobody, a blank generic husk with no personality inhabiting it, just an extra in everyone else's life story, there is nothing about me that is worth loving. That has been my thinking for the last few days.

My Mood Journal

Journals & Diaries / by Indigopineapple

July 8th, 2015

...See more For the past few days, I've been keeping a sort of journal of my mood and thoughts. I start cognitive behavioural therapy for the third time in my life next week and felt that having something written down could help. I tend to have a hard time getting what is inside of me, out... especially in therapy; for a couple of reasons. Firstly I have no great trauma to talk about, I suffer from depression but sometimes feel like it's just self-indulgent moaning on my part and am embarrased to share. Secondly my mood varies a lot, and often when I visit a therapist I'm not as low as I have been. Going to see someone feels like a positive step which can brighten my mood a little, and also I tend to feel more positive in the afternoon, when the therapy sessions typically are (and low in the evening and early morning). I struggle to empathise with the version of myself I was when I was low and will give the impression that I'm doing better than I really am. I feel I will need help bringing this out, even with my journal, and feel that sharing here may help me. So I got a small notepad, which I can put in my pocket and take everywhere with me, to make short notes as and when I have something to say. The plan is to reserve the journal for moments of clarity, when I actually have something important to say about what I'm feeling and more importantly why. It isn't to keep a constant log of my many ups and downs and I may go days without writing something if I have nothing I feel I can add to it. Also, it isn't for idle speculation, as I do this a lot and could easily fill it with ramblings about 'why I suffer from depression'. I want to focus on the here and now with this journal. So I'll post each entry here in a new post. I started it a couple weeks ago so I'll post some older stuff first. Comments, especially empathy is welcome. I imagine I might just post everything in my journal into posts on here, but there may be stuff I don't feel it worth putting up. Thanks for your help if you're reading this.

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