Therapy starts Thursday, thinking deeply, I need it to work this time.
I visit the therapist for my first session (of this particular course of therapy) on Thursday... I'm nervous for it. I've never really got much out of therapy because I've always been so closed off. I've always been so closed off because I'm scared to say out loud why I think I'm so depressed. I think I'm so depressed because I'm ultimately a bad person. I know I'm a bad person, I'm selfish, manipulative, immature, attention-seeking, sociopathic, petty, passive-aggressive, uncaring, irritable, unapproachable and antisocial. I've always known this, I even know when I'm about to do something that confirms it, yet somehow unable to resist doing those things because doing them is just my nature.
I hate myself as a result, I know that what I am and the way I act just isn't right. It's why people quickly go off me after getting to know me. I end up lonely, humans are social animals, loneliness makes one less of a human. I don't interact and my empathy skills weaken.
It's a vicious cycle, the worse I am the worse I become, the more depressed I become, the more I act badly, the more people avoid me, the more lonely I become, the worse I get.
Yet I tell myself that deep down I'm a good person. I lie to myself, I know I'm lying to myself. I indulge in fantasies where people think I'm a good person. The elephant in the room is... if I'm such a good person, why am I so depressed?
Un bon coeur nourrit un bon esprit.
All I can say is it's gonna be an awesome new journey. Get excited for therapy because it will challenge you to think in a different way
Two things that help me when I'm really depressed:
1. What evidence do I have that I'm worthless? Can I prove it to an objective listener? I've tried. Believe me, I've tried HARD. Can't do it. Since I have no evidence, and can't prove it, I'm obviously not worthless.
2. Would I let a friend talk about someone the way I'm talking about myself? When I start talking about how I'm worthless, I'm a loser, I may as well not exist, etc., I stop and ask, would I let a friend say those things about someone? Well....no! I wouldn't let a STRANGER talk about someone like that! Then why am I letting MYSELF talk about someone like that? Why am I letting myself talk about ME like that?
@FlamingosWearLipstick
thanks for responding!
to answer question 1, I feel I need no evidence. It's just a thing I know. It's the sinking feeling when i look in the mirror and realise noone will ever love me. It's the inconvenient truth I feel i can't escape in all my attempts to make myself more likeable. It's the obvious, commonsense thing I pretend I haven't noticed.
to question 2, of course I would defend anyone spoken about in that manner, bit then I'm unique in my awfulness and can't be compared to others in that way. I feel bad that I even posted this knowing that someone would refuse to believe anyone could be that awful and try and boost my ego by defending me. Because until someone meets me, of course they will think nobody could be so awful.
@Indigopineapple thanks for replying!
On question 1. Your therapist may want evidence. Hundreds of years ago, everybody knew the sun went around the earth. everybody knew the earth was flat. it was just a thing they knew. until there was evidence proving them wrong. You have over 2500 Compassion Hearts. That's evidence that people at the very least like you. Don't worry about making yourself more likeable. make yourself more YOU. when I started therapy this last time, there were three me's that showed up. there was depressed me, there was manic me, and there was anxious me. None of them were ME me.imagine Cam newton. great athlete, right? Now give him a broken arm. you wouldn't expect him to go out and play his best. Cam couldn't do much of anything if his throwing arm was broken. he'd be Broken Arm Cam. just like you're Depressed Indigopineapple.
On question 2. My dear pineapple, your ego needs no boosting. you've already determined that you're completely unique and the awfulest person who ever awfuled. That, my friend, is ego speaking. Charles Manson. Osama Bin Laden. Saddam Hussein. Jim Jones. Pol Pot. Adolph Hitler. Emperor Hirohito. Attila the Hun. Genghis Khan. Idi Amin. I could go on and on and on. I believe in awful. I believe in evil. I know people could be so awful. But I've seen what you've written on your feed. For you, I believe in severe depression.
Please. Please, please, please, give therapy a chance. I know how hard it is to open up. I know how hard it is to be vulnerable, to share what's deep down inside. And it may not happen right away. But I truly believe that if you give it a heartfelt try, therapy will be able to help you find the REAL you.
@Indigopineapple
What you need to do is acknowledge yourself.
That you are not a good person. That you are what you had said above. Fully acknowledge yourself is the first step of accepting yourself. When you start to accept yourself, you can start to change and improve yourself. Once you can accept the bad parts of yourself, you can strive for the better.
For example, you said you are " uncaring, irritable, unapproachable ". What and why is it making you like that? Work on being more caring, less irritable and become more approachable. Accept that you are uncaring so that you can become more caring. Lying to yourself won't solve any of the problems presented. But telling yourself the cold hard truth will.
Best~
@SenpaiXD I hope therapy can help me answer those questions, but everything I've thought of so far has just seemed like an excuse, and I don't want to be one of those people who uses excuses to avoid truths. In this case, I feel there is a way to save myself.
@Indigopineapple
When you have hope, then there is definitely a way.
What you should do is talk to the therapist and find out more about yourself. Therapy can be a great help if you accept it.
Best~
@SenpaiXD
I guess I'm nervous because I've never been very good at explaining exactly what I'm thinking and how I'm feeling, and it's hampered me getting any real help from therapy. Whether it's shame about how I'm feeling, shame about my personality or not wanting to let the therapist down by admitting if I don't think something's helping. I just smile and nod and say 'thank you, I feel much better now' and then leave.
@Indigopineapple I am so proud of you for seeking therapy, it can be very very hard for someone with sociopathic tendancies to seek therapy or even consider it, well done!! This will change your life and maybe one day you can help other people or men like you:)
@peacefulSoul8
Thanks, I think my issues are made worse by the fact that I'm aware of them. I know exactly exactly what kind of person I am and yet am unable to simply change my ways. I don't offer that as an excuse to allow me to not have to change, just to make the point that it's difficult and trying to do it on my own has exhausted me to the absolute limit.
My ex-girlfriend had possible narcissistic personality disorder (although NPD distorts your perceptions of reality, it may have been me that had it and she was great, my sense of self has a lot in common with Inception). There were other people who thought she had something though, I wouldn't be even saying this if it hadn't been other people telling me they thought she was narcissistic, possibly even showing traits of Munchausen's. In any case, if true she was unaware and perfectly happy in her own self-worth as I imagine most sociopaths are. Although I wouldn't compare the suffering I feel to the suffering I cause in others, knowing what I am causes some suffering,
The first or the first few therapy sessions might not work, but I'm glad that you're persisting to improve yourself! It's not easy opening up to someone so just you able to do that alone is impressive. :) I hope it goes well and learn to eventually love yourself xx
It was today... was quite intense and difficult.
@Indigopineapple
@Indigopineapple I am SO PROUD OF YOU for going through with it today. SUPER PROUD.
Intense and difficult are probably the two best words to describe beginning therapy.
My question....was it helpful? Do you see a benefit in going forward with therapy? I know you were nervous, and didn't think you'd get much out of it. And you thought it would just confirm that you're the awfulest person who ever awfuled. Ever ever. How do you feel about it now?
(I'm starting to think I may want to be a therapist when I grow up. I'd be good at it. Or else a professional neighborhood busybody. 
)
@FlamingosWearLipstick
I don't feel expectant that it will help, but it was something a bit different to what I've had before so I feel like maybe, just maybe, it will work. I wish I could turn off the sources of depression and anxiety and focus a bit harder though, the boss who told me in retrospect I was the wrong person for the job, the client who told me I needed to get more professional, the friend of a friend who told me I was 'probably autistic', the manager who told me that I can't take leave till October (even though I've been working there since January and am yet to take any leave) because they can't cover my position, right now my head is wrecked, I've been working all day and see no end to it.
The therapist did indeed tell me similar things to what you tell me, but it could be some time before I'm able to believe her, or you or anyone else who says nice things about me (who are few and far between).
I feel like just calling in sick on Monday.
@Indigopineapple If your therapist is telling you similar things to what I've told you, she's obviously brilliant. ;)
Something a bit different is OUTSTANDING. When I started therapy this last time around, I started out working with a perfectly lovely woman. Very sweet and kind. Nurturing. She was like a nice, warm blanket, and cookies and milk. I was terrified when she left that I wouldn't get to work with anybody as nice as her ever ever again.
The new therapist (my current one) is a whole other beast. She just climbed off a Harley, slammed into the kitchen to make something involving bacon and bourbon, threw it on the table, punched you in the arm, and said, "Eat it. Now." She just plain won't let me be miserable. Not on her watch. In my notes I've taken during our sessions, I have repeatedly written a direct quote: "What would the *** tell me to do?" Her exact words. She kicks my tail up, down, and sideways. She's completely different from what I've had before. And she's exactly what I need.
Oh, here are more nice things about you, from this post to which I'm responding: You're tenacious. You're stubborn enough to get things done that need getting done. And you're good enough at doing things that nobody else can do them. Not til October!
Go ahead and call in sick. If you were in a car accident and your head got whacked around, you wouldn't feel bad about calling in, right? A first therapy appointment is like that. Your head just got whacked around but good. Give yourself a little extra time to re-settle.
@FlamingosWearLipstick
Thanks, I hope that the style of help I'm due to get is the right one for me, right now I can't even imagine what might help. It does sound in your circumstances that you're benefited by a therapist who is very forceful with you, but then she believes in you and it might be helping you to have someone who it seems you respect and who believes that you are good enough with so much zeal. She certainly wouldn't get so heated in her words if she didn't believe in them.
I did go into work, but after a couple of days I'm not sure how I'm going to last in this job long-term, or even until the end of the week. It's pretty stressful, and everyone is so stressed. I was chewed out a lot today for not spotting something I should have spotted last week and it's difficult not to feel worthless when everyone is stressed and unhappy doing work they weren't supposed to be doing because they have to put right mistakes you made. Anyway, when I returned to my desk to do some things I'd been asked to do I realised that I don't think it was my mistake after all. In short, I couldn't have noticed the things I was supposed to notice last week, because they weren't even there last week, or in one case, it was there but was so well hidden I guess it's understandable I didn't spot it if I was being rushed. I guess people just assume when something goes wrong that it must be my fault, because I just give off a general air of incompetence, it seems obvious to most people who would be responsible for any mistakes that are made. But I don't know how to bring things up because I'm worried that it will be shown I was wrong after all, I may be mistaken in thinking that I wasn't at fault and it will look even worse if not only am I incompetent, but I try and blame others for my incompetence. On top of this, I have only taken 5 days leave since January (two days to go on an assessment, two to move house and one day for my recently therapy). I'm desperate to have some leave and just relax, but I keep getting my requests denied. I just feel like going home and not coming in again until I'm emotionally ready to return, but I can't do that as I can't afford to leave my job right now, I'm looking for another job, but that's not a quick solution to an urgent problem.
Seems I was clairvoyant when I wondered if I would last in this job till the end of the week. I was sacked on Friday.
@Indigopineapple When I got fired a few years ago, I called a woman who was like a mother to me. I was devestated. Absolutely bereft. She started laughing and congratulating me. I was confused until she explained. She said I'd been so miserable at that job. I was stressed out all the time, driving myself crazy obsessing over what I needed to do and wasn't doing and was I missing things and what would happen and on and on and on. She was so happy that I'd be able to stop being miserable at work.
I kinda feel that way here. *hugs*
@FlamingosWearLipstick
Thanks, I get that too and I have a month's gardening leave (basically they gave me a month's notice and I'm technically still employed by them until the end of that month, and will of course still be paid, but don't have to go into work in that time) so I have a little time to work out what to do next, but still I feel anxious because:
I like where I live at the moment and had just finished getting my apartment all how I want it, I don't want to lose that and go back to living with my parents, that really contributed to my depression.
Even though I will be paid in a month, and therefore it will be the following month (when I don't get paid) before I notice the effect on my bank balance, the clock is still ticking, it's not like I can just relax.
I was sacked for, and I quote 'not having good enough attention to detail'... that sounds to me like the sort of failing that makes me unemployable, even if I find another job, how long will I last in it?
@Indigopineapple In my experience, landlords are generally people. And people occasionally care about others, and may be able to work with you on the rent should that become necessary. IF AND ONLY IF it becomes necessary - which is NOT A GIVEN.
So it's 2 months before your bank balance gets annoyed? Excellent! You have time you can put towards job hunting!
Not every job requires attention to detail. You are absolutely not unemployable. YOU ARE NOT UNEMPLOYABLE.
One thing I work hard to keep in mind: Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength. Focus on what you can do today. When tomorrow becomes today, focus on what you can do today.
