Societal Pressures and it's possible affect on depression

I don't know if this is relevant, but I just realized that I probably have been under pressure all this time, or I just overthink about it or take it too much to my heart. I think it will be better for me to share my story here.

I am a middle child in a 5-children household. My first sister is what you call a freak genius. She has a very profound way of thinking, a lot of talents, and so on. My second sister is a successful student. She graduated earlier than my first sister, and is now currently pursuing her master in psychology. My younger sister is a great artist. She learned her digital design ability from me, but now she has taken in to the next level by making money out of it (something I didn't consider since I do it for fun). Then, my only brother, even though he is still in the 8th grade, has a very great interest in animation and application programming. Meanwhile, I am a linguistics student, currently in my third year, and having no clear future plan. That's how I realized that I am not really doing what I like all this time.

Since I was a kid, I often got praised for doing something good, and when my parents praised my siblings, that made me jealous, and I always wanted to do better than them. As I grow older, I realized that I am always trying to please my parents. My parents initially wanted me to become a doctor, just like my mother, but I don't have that much interest in the field, and I can't even look at blood and flesh properly. I tried to get into medical schools in three different places, and I failed all the tests. Until one day, a teacher and two friends nonchalantly said, "You don't suit to become a doctor. You are good in English. Just try that." Instead of feeling hurt, I knew it was right. It was like, I need someone to tell me who I am and what I like. Now I'm a linguistics student, and I don't regret it at all.

However, even now, I still feel this desire to be acknowledged by other people regarding almost everything. I go to classes everyday not only because I love the subjects, but also because I want people to think that I'm diligent. I join several clubs so that I will be called "a student activist." I tried to keep my grades up in order to maintain my reputation in front of my parents, other students, and lecturers, despite having a great interest in all the subjects. Now I know this is all wrong, because I really want to be serious in my study, but I don't have fun at all while studying or doing my homework. I keep thinking about failing behind from my siblings, about my reputation, and I even start to think that it's my pride and honor. Is it?

This is the first time I talk about it this bluntly. I start to doubt my choices in life, and now I feel like falling deeper into this pit. I feel like giving up and quitting, and even running away and escaping, but I know it's impossible. So, I'll just leave it all for now. I really want to discover myself, figure out what to do, and get away from this feeling of anxiety and despression.

I agree.

How did i miss this thread 🤔 it's soooo true. Most times we try conforming to society's view on things and tend to loose a sense of who we truly are.

As a third-culture kid / person who has moved around a lot, it's the pressure from my birth country (and people from there) that hurts the most. They ostracise me for being different and it's hard when a large part of society agrees with them.

@ErikB

The reason why we ask "what about me?" is because somewhere deep down we do know that we are different and unique but in order to fit in and live up to the expectations of those around us, we have to keep doing things against our will. Even though the question stays in our mind forever but we sort of give in to the situation and stop asking that question anymore.

@ErikB

Thanks KS for posting this, good topic.

Theres a lot I could say to this and a lot I usually say on such matters (close to my heart) but today my depression wins.

Live the life , love the life

What types of societal pressures do you notice in your own life?

I come from a low-income family and I still struggle with finances, and I go to an expensive liberal arts school. There's definitely a certain demographic here - white, middle-class, Christian, consumerist, etc. Kids that lived in the 2-floor, 5-bedroom houses in the nice sub-divisions. I really feel like I don't fit in, even though I know there are other broke weirdos like me and that the people I just mentioned aren't necessarily mean or judgemental by default. My best friend had to drop out because the pressure was so intense that she couldn't cope with her PTSD anymore, and I honestly feel like she was right to encourage me to do the same.

The coursework here is also really rigorous and I struggle to keep up. It was hard enough before I had to pay my own rent, and now that I'm working it's almost impossible to scrape by. When I do my assignments, I do well - but 100% on 50% is still 50%.

I'm also president of our school's GSA. I feel like I can't show vulnerability in the club or else I'll be looked down on for being a weak leader, even though I know my depression makes me weak to begin with. Idk. I also feel embarassed to discuss these problems with my professors. I feel like I'd just be wasting their time, and that they have perfect students to cater to over a tiny worm like myself.

What types of societal pressure do you find are the hardest to cope with? What are some that you find are easier?

The pressure to look good is the hardest for me to deal with. I don't have much clothing at all, and I have absolutely zero professional clothes. I can't afford acne treatments or eyebrow waxings. My shoes are old and scuffed. I have split ends and nasty cuticles from my cashier job. My laptop is old, dirty, and the fans are super loud, and I absolutely hate taking it out during class while everyone else has their lovely Macbooks. I just end up feeling really stupid and unwelcome around my peers because of it.

I think that it's easiest for me to deal with societal pressures on how to act and speak. I have a great customer service persona and I'm a good public speaker. I use humor to discuss my vulnerabilities and connect with others. I still feel like an alien in a people suit, but at least I'm an alien who can talk to people.

Do you think that these pressures can be healthy and at what point do they do more harm than good?

Pressure can be healthy as long as it isn't overwhelming. I can think of a lot of people who benefit themselves and all of society because they're pressured to bathe daily even though they don't want to. Once the object of the pressure (success, social relationships, appearance, etc) becomes what defines your worth as a person and the expectations are unrealistic, it starts to hurt rather than help.

Do you think that these pressures can become overwhelming and lead us into depression?

Yep. If you define your worth on your appearance and you don't match up to your experiences, you can feel worthless and hopeless. Cue depression.

Are you afraid to stand out?

Yes, because I'm afraid I'll stand out in a bad way and draw negative attention. I'd rather be invisible than be discovered as the alien slug thing I perceive myself to be.

I don't think you need to stand out, but find a group or friend that you can confide in. I think those with depression or ptsd should have sponsors like they do in a.a. meetings. That online friend that can cheer you on or help you with struggles. I feel this site has helped me a lot, but finding a long term listener has been hard.

I was in an low income family and got grants but I went to a local community college. I have an associate of arts collecting dust. I just wish I had someone telling it was ok to drop a class in order to focus better on the other classes. I also live to color code my notes.

I wish you best on your studies.