Seeking Freedom from Depression. I need help though...
I have had depression for the last year and a half, but has always felt a sense of misery in my life since I can remember. I'm currently 25 and feel like crud most the time cause my down spirits make it hard to enjoy anything I do. There must be a way to stop being depressed, and I need help finding a way out of it.
here's what I've had to go and deal with throughout my life. Threwmiddle school and up, I was constantly bullied, as picking on me was some sort of graduation requirement. Id be tortured mentally and physically by my harrassers, whether it were being shot at by rubber band darts, having hard covered books throw at me, to straight up having my stuff stolen from me in front of teachers only for the teachers to side with the bullies. heck I was beaten in a bathroom stall at one point, But things got better for me in high school at least. I thought they did, but I feel perhaps I'm still clinging onto some of that fearful state I had back in middle school.
fast forward through a few good years as things were looking up, I went into college and was doing my best to keep my grades up. It wasn't too difficult, but the only problem I had with my college was they didn't really care about my programs. some of the course heads of the school even went so far to tell her class that anyone studying visual communications and game design in our school were going to be a dead end field. Not to feel disheartened by those words, I pressed forward doubling my efforts to do my best.
I was able to graduate with honors, but by the time I got out of school I felt like despite all my hard work, my school just pushed me out the door in order to abolish my old program as soon as I left. Their equipment was subpar for our work, as most game engines wouldn't even run on the systems. My coding class literally didn't have the programs installed til 6 weeks into the course, yet for some god reason, they gave us a b+...how in the heck can I get a B+ when I couldn't even program a button despite studying my ass off.
it didn't make things easier as midway into my schooling I lost my grandmother, leaving my grandfather alone two doors down from where we live. I would type out it all, but I will just forward a link of what I've already typed. (http://www.7cups.com/forum/GriefLossCommunity_61/LossDeath_50/Feelinghollowandemptybutisstilltryingabitlongbutitsalotoffeels_20601/ )
So now I'm here, after all of these bad moments, and yet I feel so wrong. I don't know what I have to do to regain my joy for life again. Everyday I seem to find myself wishing for death, but isn't suicidal so I don't do anything. I don't want to hurt the ones I love cause I'm not strong enough.
I can completely understand where you are coming from. I can honestly say that having a diary or a journal to write out your thoughts can help immensely! Considering the abuse started at such a young age, I feel as though having someone to speak to, just opening up about how it happened and how it made you feel can make a difference, even if it is a little bit. How about trying to do things you enjoy in life? It can be as small as making yourself your favorite smoothie every morning! There are many websites where you can take courses that can help you with your field. I remember there being a link onRedditabout free courseware! If I can find it I will definitely send you a link. Remember, take it day by day. Depression can be a struggle, but you can definitely get through it. If you need to talk, I'm here.<3
thanks Pandette, I'm trying to keep up with my artwork as of late to try an renew my love for the stuff again. here's a few things I've been drawing
http://imgur.com/WQw7mtn
http://imgur.com/3pBvuyp
http://imgur.com/vZJv9DT
http://imgur.com/u0h74t7
http://imgur.com/IuqPvJJ
http://imgur.com/QVKnND9
I've been trying to do one a day and so far has made one for nearly everyday of the week. Today I'll make the 7th
Stay strongand positive. Don't let the past decide your future. By reading your post I could sense happiness in yoursuccess when you graduated your program. Go with that! Even if it's asmall step, yougraduated college where most people now a days don't take that effort.If you love what you do as a career, make ithappen. Fill your life withthings that you love. Extra curricular activities, art, movies. Cooking,anything! I find for my depression I hit the gym, I found a love for the gym and it's become like anobsession. It's something I look forward to every day where I can release the negativity and focus on beingmyself.When I'm home and feeling alone,I go for a walk, sit ontumblror watch myfavouriteyoutubers, anything to keep a smile on and help me remember what life is withoutfeeling sad. Find your outlet! :) I promise it gets better. If you need to let it out, therapyHelps. It sucks at first but it gets better. So many people seek therapy as a way out of their depression. It's normal. But whatever your goal are, whatever your dreams may be,don't stop chasing them because whatever happened in the past has only made you stronger. Just be yourself and keep smiling :) xo
Thanks man, I do apreciateyour encouragement alot. I do have counciling appointments every week and they do seem to help me vent when I'm not doing that on here. As for dreams, I'm just taking it a day at a time to slowly bring myself back up to an even level. Can't even process a dream for myself right now.
Sigh... Is it bad when I feel like it's a bad day, yet nothing particularly wrong has happened? I'm feeling on the verge of falling into my negativity well of emotions, trying my best not to give the sad thoughts any attention. I keep making more and more art, and I feel good about them all, but I can't help but feel as if it's all pointless. At the end of the day I'm being so cruel to myself mentally, I just wanna bawl up sometimes....
i would like you to know that you aren't alone. i have been struggling on depression too.
maybe sometimes you think you're the only one but truth is you're not. there are still a lot of people with the same condition as you do and we care. Life might behard right now, but someday everything will get better. I promise. You can recover from this.
this is how i try to decrease my depression: every time someone says kind words to me on the internet or wherever, i screenshot it and put it into a special document/album, and when i'm sad, i can re-read it to realize that someone still care.
maybe you can give it a try too! If you need a talk, you can talk to me. Remember that i care and i love you :)
that's actually a pretty good idea, I will have to try that sometimes. I'm better then I was earlier when I posted that sad comment, but I'm struggling in facing my triggers for depression. To name the few more potent ones.
-Looking or hearing about Jobs
-memory of my late gandfather or seeing old people around
-Hospitals
-Education of any sort as I have tried to self teach myself from an online guide, but I just couldn't stick with it long enough.
i hope you feel better soon. :)
i havent had depression for so long, less than a year until now, but i cant everytime i stand up it sends me collapsing down and my family isnt helping they just criticize me because they dont know whats wrong...i told my dad a little bit about it and told him i wanted to see a counselor also for my other disorders...ive never been to one before i hope it works. it is still hard though especially with my exams and anxiety its like i cant be happy anymore i rarely ever genuinely smile. all my friends left me saying that im boring and telling me to get over myself...only if they understood. the saddest thing is that the closest ones are the ones that are sending me crashing down every time i gather the strength and get up.
Hey Scarlett, I'm sorry you're roughing it with your depression as well. I do find myself sometimes unable to enjoy what I have and relax, heck even now as I'm typing this I feel a sense of emptyness on the inside. But then I think to myself, I don't want my freinds/family to be sad if I did something Reckless. So no matter how hard I hit bottom, I can always float back up. Perhaps try explaining your issues to your loved ones in a way you think they would understand? Like, don't sugar coat your feelings to them, and tell them it's not like you don't want to be happy, but mentally you're fighting an uphill battle. All I've learned from all this stress is to have paitence with yourself, and keep trying to make every day better then the last. sometimes you won't be able to do that, but that just makes the days we are able to all the more special.
thanks wild...i'll see how things go
Update 5/19:
I'm still hanging on here, but after yesterdays attempt to apply for work and seeing something that reminded me of my late grandfather has taken the wind out of my sails for today. I'm still drawing once a day as yesterday was Vulpix. I plan to draw again today soon in hopes it will one day revitalize my self confidence. I hope you all are doing well, and I thank you all for your kindness to helping me out. It really means alot.
http://imgur.com/2woRWg0